The Blob is proud to present the first installment in a series designed to fulfill it's educational and cultural mandate. I've applied for a Canada Council grant and this is one of the key stipulations. (another is that I stop hanging around outside the Governor General's residence....Michaelle why aren't you returning my calls???)
As we all know certain instruments attract certain personality types and the trombone is no different, although trombonists fall within a broader range from "gregarious yet troubled" to "moody yet disturbed". Like all instruments in the brass family sound is produced by blowing air through the buzzing lips pressed against a mouth piece. This airstream races around some coiled tubing and comes out of a bell at the other end with a specific timbre, pitch, and volume. The trombone differs in that it has a sliding mechanism (called a "slide") that is used to alter notes and reach for pencils that have fallen on the floor. Most composers use trombones in their orchestrations as an afterthought so the pencil is an essential piece of equipment for doing crosswords and sudokus while awaiting the next loud tutti section. While the trombone is capable of many nuances it's mostly used in loud passages and the impatient and seldom used trombonist makes sure that even supposedly soft moments cause minor brain damage to the unfortunate violists who sit in front of them.
The trumpet section leads the orchestra with blazing glory, the french horns garner attention with their nobility and brawn, the tuba with it's basso profundo range but what of the poor trombonists. They are left to do some of the orchestral heavy lifting, filling out the sound and providing no small amount of oomph...they are the unheralded longshoremen of the ensemble, thick of forearm and low of brow.
This desperation and lack of recognition often leads to alcohol dependency which in turn leads to even louder playing and eventually death. (and in more serious cases conducting) This downward spiral can only be stopped if we, the public, intervene. Next time you see a trombonist, express interest in their instrument and ask a simple question along the lines of "What kind of mouthpiece do you use?" What follows may not be the most interesting hour and a half you've ever spent but the look of appreciation on the faces of these overlooked souls will make it all worthwhile!
As stated earlier this is the first in a series of posts on orchestral instruments. I've chosen to let the trombone go first as an example of practicing what I preach. Trombones never go first in anything.....except The Blob!!!
6 comments:
Blobber, you never cease to impress me. You're humour is some of the best around and your photoshop skills are even better. However, I feel I should point out some inaccuracies in your picture. First of all, poor Dixxx is seen here without his bass trombone. That sexy piece of equipment is half of a guy's manliness and you've taken it away! Also, my dad seems to have lost a considerable amount of weight in this picture, which is fine except that Hogisto seems to have found it! But that's ok, I hear some french girls aren't at all particular. Finally, our beloved Mikexxxster doesn't have a hot chick on his arm. Now, that is a definite mistake. Every time I see the bonemikester it's always on the arm of some brainy beauty (I can't help it if it's usually me!). And that is half of his manliness. And as we all know, a troboner is nothing without his manliness. Unless they're a woman, in which case, she's the phatest chica this side of the tympanies!
Wow MC,
And I thought they were all dashed handsome. I just couldn't figure out what the ropes on their uniforms were for........
Thoughts?
I love it when chicks make reference to my sexy equiptment. It keeps my slide swift and well greased.
I hear you loud and clear Dixxx...hey how's that marriage going??!!??
Mave, I think the ropes are for their mittens. Trombone and certain percussion instruments are the only instruments that can be played while wearing mittens (we don't need the ropes though) which is why my greasy, slidy colleagues and I are such kindred spirits.
Oh. I get it!. It's to make sure trombonists don't lose their mittens after a gig where they collect in some out of the way, dingy bar to knock back beer and scotch and talk about how great it is to be so "horny".
Like it makes a difference if they lose a digit to frostbite.......
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