Fine, so maybe you don't know the name Dick Wilson but if you're of my generation you certainly know and love Mr. Whipple, one of the most recognizable faces in the history of advertising. Wilson portrayed the prissy grocer some 500 times in commercials that spanned more than 2 decades and his catchphrase; "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" helped usher in the sexual revolution! (ed. note: it did nothing of the sort!)
I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with my editor on this one. Check out this vintage commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbXPjzM5no4&feature=related
and you'll be amazed by the barely diguised, sexually charged undercurrent. The young, attractive, and most likely married housewives are clearly using the tactile thrill of squeezing toilet paper to sublimate their libidos which are not being satisfied by their loutish husbands. The fact that they were so openly expressing their desire for sensual pleasure, albeit safely to the pseudo-gay and elderly Whipple, meant that liberation (sexual and otherwise) was right around the corner. (Ed. note: I watched the video...OK , you were right...asshole!)
YouTube has other examples of these commercials that bear watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCag_aRx8Hk&feature=related for the patented "Charmin squeeze" where the woman imitates the action of squeezing the buttocks of her partner as they engage in coitus using the traditional man-on-top, missionary position. (ed. note: PUHleeeease!! I said you were right one time and now you are simply taking liberties. You should retract that last preposterous statement immediately! This sort of deconstruction is........OK, I just watched the second clip...I'm going to bed, do whatever the hell you want!!)
Family sources said that Mr. Wilson had been battling ill health for several years but took a turn for the worse recently when he learnt of Sheryl Crow's campaign to save the world from global warming by using between 1 and 4 squares of toilet paper per "bathroom visit", an idea so ridiculous that even ultra-liberal Rosie O'Donnel couldn't believe it responding "Have you seen my ass??!!??"
Dick "Mr. Whipple" Wilson may have not recovered but his death has already had an impact. Earlier today, Crow's publicist announced that the pop singer had been a big fan of the TV character as a teen and would, in his honour, end the campaign. She will instead concentrate on other strategies for saving the planet such as pushing for more government action on renewable energy sources and, in an astonishing turnabout, persuading companies to make even fluffier toilet paper. 
"If every roll of toilet paper contained just 7% more air we could save over 50,000 trees a year in the United States alone!!" asserted the preachy milf.
Thank you Mr. Wilson on behalf of myself and all my readers for keeping Ms. Crow and her whacked out idea at bay. You'll be remembered, and often (at least once or twice a day anyways).
2 comments:
Heh, that top that she's wearing looks an awful lot like a crocheted tablecloth I made back in my early 20s.
I have to say, it looks an awful lot better on the table that it does on Sheryl Crow.
As least she's doing her bit for the environment - I doubt you need air conditioning when you're wearing something like that.
Does she think that makes up for the gazillion non-biodegradable CDs that she pumps out year after year?
Just one small correction Mave...All Sheryl Crow's CD's are pressed on a tortilla like blank and then, (as per directions on the vegetable dyed, recycled material, cover) are fed to homeless people.
The resulting waste material is shipped off to a purification center and then to Somalia for use as fertilizer. I still think she sucks!!
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