While I don't keep a kosher home I try not to judge those who do and often attempt to give a historically based explanation of these arcane dietary laws to my baffled yet gentile friends.
Recently though I decided to delve a little more deeply into this issue and discovered an industry based on incredibly stringent attention to minutiae that would exasperate even the most anal and pedantic among us.
Here's an example from Montreal's Kosher inspection service, Vaad Ha'ir on cabbage:
Cabbage -
Cabbage may be prepared in any of the following ways: The heads of cabbage must be placed in the freezer and frozen for 48 hours. Thereafter the cabbage is to be defrosted after which each leaf must be washed under strong running water, ensuring that the water reaches each part of the cabbage. If there are any folds or crevices, the water must also be run over those areas. At that point the cabbage is acceptable. (This system is only good for cabbage that is going to be cooked and not for salads)
OR
The four outside leaves of the cabbage must be removed and discarded. Cut the cabbage into quarters and separate all the leaves. Put into a solution of either a) vinegar and water or b) salt and water. Leave the cabbage in the solution for five minutes. The solution is made up of one teaspoon salt to every litre of water. Should vinegar be used, taste the solution and ensure that it contains a strong vinegar flavor. Thereafter the cabbage should be rinsed off. The water should be shaken off and dried whereafter every single leaf should be inspected to make sure that it is insect-free.
OR
Each leaf of the cabbage should be taken apart. It should be put into a solution of soap and water containing one teaspoon of soap to a litre of water. Stir 2-3 times and leave the cabbage for 5 minutes in the solution. Both sides of each leaf should then be sponged off including folds and crevices, rinsed off very well and then it is acceptable.
OR
Bodek brand cabbage may be used without checking.
Insects aren't kosher (except for certain locusts.....long story, I'll spare you) so the 50 or 60 mites, aphids, and thrips that are in a 3-4 ounce serving of frozen broccoli are bad news. Still though, when faced with that amount of preparation for a cabbage I think I'd rather work at acquiring a taste for thrip (it tastes like very small chicken)
The reason that these laws exist have been disputed by talmudic scholars for generations. Health, hygiene, religious obedience, delineation of Jewish identity, a prank foisted upon Jews by God when he was still a teen (I'm in the latter camp) have all been postulated as explanations and each has held sway at different times. If you speak French here's a report from a local Montreal station that's somewhat less favourable than the 1st clip. My favorite moment is when the reporter approaches a woman outside of a grocery store as she's loading up her car. "Did you buy any kosher products?" he asks her and she replies "No". He then shows her that she did indeed buy many products with the little kosher insignia on them and she is of course concerned and maybe even scared as she realizes that she's been feeding her family Jew food all these years...."Is it bad???" she asks and the question is left to linger. Food cleaned within an inch of it's life? As my grandmother used to say; "Listen...what could be bad?" http://tva.canoe.com/cgi-bin/player/player.pl?titre=Reportage%20J.E.&emission=je&video=http%3A//medias.tva.ca/emissions/je/reportages/19259.wmv&reseau=TVA&promotion
The good people at Munson's tried but failed to convince more Jews to eat their beveled hams as evidenced by the ad up top. In a bid to increase market share they have diversified their line of goods and even managed to get a kosher certification for one of their new products. Bravo to one of my favorite sponsors!!
21 comments:
hahah good stuff on this blog, I just read quite a few, and find it to be very entertaining. I'll have to stop back. I just started blogging, but I think I've got some good stuff, check it out if you like....http://ddesa.blogspot.com/2007/11/illegal-immigration.html
Hey, Blobbie! The word obviously is getting out about your fine product (I don't mean the bevelled ham); and clearly, ddesa123 knows quality when he or she sees it! To the subject at hand- it seems to me that all one really needs to know about all things kosher (or, for that matter, all things) can be found in the Seinfeld Canon. Of course, I'm referring to the television episode that takes place on an airplane, and the conversation turns to the subject of kosher food-a woman sums things up, quite nicely, it seems to me, when she says that whether something is kosher or not depends on how the rabbi kills the pig. What could be simpler? Jerry Seinfeld- truly a spiritual maven for all seasons, and all the right reasons!!! And who do I thank for my Seinfeldian Enlightenment? Blobber himself!! To me, Blobbie is a sort of John the Baptist to Jerry's Jesus, if you will. Praise his name!!! All Hail Jerry!!!!!
Yes word is spreading like lard on a hot skillet!! I checked out this DDSEA123's blog out of courtesy and will reserve comment suffice to say that his post on relationships should be required reading for any girl who's going off to university.
I agree with you about Seinfeld...anything you need to know about life can be found within his show and like Jesus I believe he is also Jewish. That can't just be a coincidence!
Blobby, I'm trying to access that dude's blog but ddesa123 (if that's your real name) didn't enter the address right. Can you help me out? I'm all curiosity as we all know.
A message to Mikester:
I've developed what I like to call a "girl crush" on an actress who fits the stereotype of loner/goth--thin, greasy hair, piercing eyes, nice rack...ahem... and I was wondering what your stance was on the goth phenomenon? Are we to assume that they are people of the hot persuasion or are they another example of a fad gone horribly wrong? I think, being one myself, that oftentimes they're just what the doctor ordered! But what do you think oh wise one, oh king of bacherlordom?
Udderworldprincess,
While I am usually not one to take umbrage I awoke this morning to find your post and am now disheartened to say the least.
I've dispensed nothing but useful information for more than a year and a half and yet you seek out Mikexxster on MY page and on a topic that, once again, is in my wheelhouse.
Today I not only take umbrage but seize it, wrap it in a double layer of grease-proof butcher paper, bind it tightly with cord and place it in my safe under lock and key to be removed only when I see fit or when you apologize (whichever comes first).
The idea of Mikexxxster sitting there, gloating, over his bowl of Bran Buds with psyllium is also not a good way to start my day!!
Maria my dear,
I just copied and pasted his address. Surely a web savvy young woman such as yourself has figured this out by now and been treated to the sexist/racist but heartfelt musings of mr. ddesa.
Write if you are still having problems (not all the other stuff, just this one)
The only reason I asked Mikester was because I hear about his on-going joke with Maria about how much of a ladies' man he is, and I thought we would be well-versed in the subject matter. Since you are a one-woman man, I wasn't sure your expertise spread so wide. AND since Mikester claims that he has all the answers (or at least the complete seinfeld collection on dvd) that I would attempt to stroke his ego just for the fun I would get out of it. Surely a humour-savvy person such as yourself would understand and appreciate this!
Yours in Satan,
Underworld Princess
Ouch, you've got quite the bitcharoony-doony on your hands blobby!
And yes (!!!) I copied and pasted the damn thing but on my screen the entire address is not shown!! For some reason it stops right at the leave you comment box. So there!!!
*sulks*... *pouts*... I just wanna be in on the joke too! Someone give me the damn address!
Maria, as much as I hate to reprint this stuff I can't stand the thought of you being frustrated so here it is, a post from that hard to get to blog that I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH!!! The basis of the blog I think is an asshole blaming everyone else for his being an asshole....a pretty cool party trick if you ask me.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Modern Relationships
Sure, everything has been said before. Love is great, love is grand, love is pain, love is fear; and on and on. Human interaction in the form of love/relationships has been covered by every thinker from the beginning of time, including most recently, legendary philosopher, Dr Phil.
Yet "relationships" as we know them, are definitely not the same as those of our parents, and far different from the long drawn out courting process of our grandparents. It seems that the "Me" Generation has really actually taken the "me" thing to heart, most disastrously, in the form of the relationship.
Now I'll be the first to admit, I'm no saint when it comes to relationships. I've gone through more women than I can remember, half of which I don't think I ever had a meaningful conversation with. And at one point in my life, this actually seemed like a viable alternative to the pain of the "long-term relationship". I, like most adolescents growing up in the "Me" generation, didn't care much for anyone other than myself, and the natural reaction to pain is self-preservation.
To accomplish my forray into selfishness, I thought up a recipe consisting of 4 parts beer, 2 parts apathy, and 1 part random girl. Sometimes, on good days, I would even add another 4 parts tequila into the mix (although this shouldn't be tried often as it can greatly affect the rest of the recipe).
By the end of college I had succesfully, or so I thought, blocked all real relationships out of my life, and had even developed a complex rating system in which I could pretty much accurately predict the most susceptable target to a good line of b.s. Usually, I would choose a freshman, and would be even happier when finding out they were in a long-term relationship back home. These girls, were always easiest both to get in the sack, and for my rationalization process. This would always consist of me convincing myself that I was "doing the right thing" by exposing this chic for the evil slut that she really was. And it would always be driven home by the fact that each girl would say the same things:
"I just want to get out and like experience college, you know, go crazy, like party, and like have a good time, and like my bf's boring, and uh, like, all he does is care about me, it's like what's his problem".
In between doing a shot of tequila off of her neck, I would agree with her, and make some comment about how we're too young to be tied down. I would point out that this is the one time in our lives that we can really live like this, and that we should just go with our present feelings, because if we're happy now, we can't be wrong. She would then throw out any last moral doubt she had, I would throw away any moral doubt I never had, and we would walk away happily, hand in hand.
Happy all the way to my bed.
Of course what would follow, would be neither romantic, or particularly fulfilling, and would always result in one of the following excuses:
1. At her Dorm Room/ Apartment: "Oh Shit! I just realized, my friends in from out of town and my apartments locked, I've got to go"
2. At my Apartment at Night: "I'm really sorry, but my parents are coming in really early tommorow morning to visit, I'd hate to kick you out at 6 in the a.m., I'll just call you a cab now"
3. At my Apartment in the Morning:
Me: "Sorry you've got to go, I've got to go to the gym"
Her: "But it's 6:00 in the am!"
Me: "All the top weight trainers say you should lift really early in the morning to awaken the muscles.....especially after heavy drinking"
Her: "umm..ok"
And this, would be the usual cycle. She would then leave, and I would go back to sleep, happy about my latest conquest.
See, I had already realized that the "Me" generation, was in a word, fucked. I was just playing my part in an ever-rotating cycle of moral degeneration. I realized that while men, have always been pushed by their sex-drive, something different was happening these days. Women were also giving into it. Gone were the societal checks that used to say "oh well its ok if he's having an affair, he's a man, but her...what a slut". Feminism, and stupid ass shows like "Sex in the City" allowed women to turn the cards around on us. And when they did, well things took a turn for the worse. Combine that with the fact that we are part of a generation that has been given everything we could ever want, and expects to get anything we want; the typical lonely, bored, freshman, becomes all too common. And I, as the senior, would provide her excitement. See, women unlike men, need mental stimulation, which long distance long-term relationships, usually don't provide. Get rid of the moral checks, and you have a group of women acting just as men would.
Take one of my freshman for example, we'll call her Kelly. Jack, Kelly's boyfriend at a different college, may be doing the same thing she is, living it up, and not caring, because after all, he's in college, and has probabaly already realized that it's not going to work anyway. If he isn't, though, then there is a good chance he really cares about his girlfriend, but is becoming increasingly possesive, due to the long distance of their relationship and new found freedom of his girlfriend. It's only a matter of time before he stops getting his usual phone calls, and begins to realize something isn't right; while meanwhile "sorority initiate Kelly" is busy getting gang-banged by half of the rugby team.
Of course Jack finds out eventually, the relationship ends, and another generation of apathetic, freshman fuckers are created, thus continuing the cycle.
Kelly temporarily feels "loved", Jack temporarily feels "good", while both end up empty.
This is how the "Me" generation actually works.
In trying to get whatever we want, whenever we want, we end up with nothing. We are unable to have stable relationships, because half of us don't even understand what that is to start with. Gender roles are gone as we both attend college, and both eventually end up in the workforce. If and when we do get married, half of us get divorced, because college taught us that there is no such thing as a relationship anyway, and if we didn't have college to nail that home, we could always just take a look at our parents. Meanwhile, we vow that we will change things, and spend more time with our children, but that of course would greatly interfere with a thing called "corporate profit". So our children also become expendable, and in the course of it begin to think they have 47 brothers and sisters, and "day care Sue" is actually mommy. Actually as it turns out, mommy is busy working 80 hours a week, and fucking her boss, while daddy is busy working 80 hours a week and fucking his secretary. And since women in the workforce have taken half of all jobs, the cycle actually becomes dependent upon two incomes. So now, women actually must work, just to provide a stable "life-style" if it can even be called that.
Hippies/Feminism/Liberalism/and freshman fuckers have all succeeded.
But of course, we have a much better life than our grandparents did.
Welcome to the "Me" Generation, where relationships are as expendable as our Chinese stocking stuffers. There ya go Dr. Phil, have at it.
Nevermind I found it. May I just say, it's nice to see that blogging is up for grabs to any kind of idiot! Once again my faith in the smellier sex is reaffirmed. You don't see so many class-acts around campus these days! It's nice to see a man who not only KNOWS he's an asshole, but publicly announces it, providing examples and intimate details!! Thank you d(ickhead)dsea for your honesty. Now I finally know who to run to when I fall into the darkest circle of desperation! (And no Blobby I'm not already there!!! ha ha maria's single blah blah blah). ps, fuck illegal immigrants eh? Said the american. Better go back and read your history books again bub. I can't find the rolling-eyes button on this keyboard...
Thanks blobby, you know I love you :P
Right back at ya Maria and as far as the class acts on campus go I have a hunch (just a hunch mind you) that while they may be a rarity in the insulated world of the music department they may be found in droves in other disciplines, business or engineering for example. Stay in music!!
BTW I hope you all noticed that despite my need for an expanded readership (and an eventual media empire) I called out this ddesa123 guy as an asshole.
There is an I in integrity!!
two actually
Do you suppose this guy's for real? if so, why does he want everyone to know about it? My poor Maria's already pretty disheartened by the attitude of many (I can't say all, because of some of my friends being pretty nice guys) of the world's other half and now she's decided she has to read this guy's self-and-women-hating rant,. Don't worry, Maria, they're not all like that!!
BURN!
Hey Mama C,
There's no reason to doubt that this guy is for real which is why I said his rant should be required reading for any college girl.
O Blob!! I assure you; I am most certainly NOT gloating (that is not the Mikexxxster way; because that would be wrong)!!! Also, Bran Buds with psyllium is, I feel, somewhat lacking nutritionally to be considered for The Most Important Meal of the Day!!! OATMEAL (with blueberries, crushed flaxseed and a banana!!!!!)=is The Key to a Happy Life!!! And, may I add, the preferred breakfast cereal of (just slightly) older, yet still amazingly stylish men-about-town whose life-experience and accumulated wisdom is held in the highest esteem by young hotties everywhere!!! Please!!! Find it in your heart to forgive Underworldprincess2007......... would you blame the moth for being attracted to the flame??????? Anyhoo......... gloating?!?! Not on my watch!!!! If it's of any comfort to you, your wonderful Blob is the finest in intellectual oatmeal-with all the fixin's (mmm, mmm, good!!)!!!!!
Maria I agree with your Mom about them not all being like that. I'll tell you the best way of at least getting the odds in your favour of finding a so called good guy, (there are about 15 left at last count)there's no such thing as a guarantee though. I think you truly have to know yourself and then love yourself (not that kind of self love guys....geeez!!). Things tend to fall into place a lot easier after that.
The relationship rant that I reprinted is disgusting and even a bit upsetting to me as a member of the smellier sex and the father of a 17 year old girl. The guy is using convoluted sociological/anthropological bullshit to excuse his reprehensible woman hating behaviour and all this just to cover up his own insecurities. That he is college educated and ever so slightly clever is the scary part. The internet is full of this sort of thing. I guess in a way I'm glad to have lifted the rock and point the flashlight now lets get back to talking about stupid stuff!!
and BTW....I'm not implying that I know whether or not anyone in particular out there knows and/or loves themselves or doesn't or whatever. Just a general observation...shit!!! gotta run...I'm missing TMZ!!!
MIkexxster I'm an oatmeal man myself although my fixin's (banana, raisins, brown sugar,a shot of 1%) are no where near as omega 3 and anti-oxidant rich as yours. (you win)
As for your claim to not be gloating, your boastful glee at being the so called flame for the moth-like young hotties speaks volumes to the contrary.
I have already forgiven UnderwearPrincess. Her reply blaming the whole incident on your morbid fascination with the young, attractive, and teasing Maria C was not an actual apology but her defensive/combative tone sufficed. I didn't need to see her grovelling on hands and knees (so unbecoming).
So go ahead and gloat but as you do keep in mind that I am a chosen person. Whether by fate or a clever parent I have won the honour of stuffing Maria C's stocking in little less than a month. Put that in your oatmeal and eat it!!!
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