New Directions...The Birth Pangs of a Cult

Party Bear said...
"You're a prophet, Blob! I worship thee!"

Mama Callous said...

"We need more inspiration. We're drying up here"

I hear you all loud and clear, believe me. If it seems as though I've been ignoring all the boisterous commentary then forgive me but after my voyage to the Rockies, the past few days have been spent in quiet reflection along with a bit of light housekeeping.

Why was I led to pick up a copy of The Book of Mormon, long tucked away on a small book shelf at Phyllis' house? What was revealed to me atop Mt. Edith Cavell etched into Angel Glacier? How was it that I came to bake exactly 5 pies, no more no less? Am I deserving of the praise and adulation that has been heaped upon me like so much sheep manure on a barren suburban lawn in the early days of spring? Where is this all leading me?

It's no wonder I've been absent with all these questions plaguing me. The answers are hard to come by but let me at least make an attempt.

Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism was a brilliant hoaxster but he can't fool me. It's just the Bible with a wacky, dumbed down American spin. Sort of like what the Yanks do with British sitcoms. It sort of got me thinking about what it would take to start my own religion and only days later I received a sign that shook me to the core...there, etched in the massive ice sheet the words "read the Blob" gradually appeared to me and sometime later to my equally stunned partner Phyllis:

After my ascension to the summit I was greeted with another stunning vision; The sun looked for all the world like the top of a pie complete with vent hole. By the time Phyllis reached my vantage point the image was gone!! "Pie in the sky!" I thought....."now there's a solid foundation for a new religion!!" I quickly realized that my earlier decision to enter a pie at the Millarville Fair was not mine alone. Had there been some othwerworldy guidance?? I re-attacked my 5th pie with new found ardour and lo, it was perfect yet the judges were blind to it's excellence. Why 5 pies (no more, no less). 5 perfect circles (Pi!!) each 360 degress for a total of 1800. 1800 was the birth year of John Nelson Darby, father of Dispensationalism, a fundamentalist, largely American brand of Protestantism which would later be espoused by Jerry Falwell and others of his ilk. They believe the Bible is divided into 7 distinct periods (or dispensations) based on Gods dealings with his flock.

Were these revelations telling me to start an 8th? After all isn't it easier to cut a pie into 8ths than 7ths and an 8th of a pie is 45 degrees which is my age plus 3...the exact number of children that I've fathered !!!! Surely this can't be a mere coincidence.

Even with this powerful evidence and with all the revelations I still don't know if leadership is my bag. What could I tell people, why should they listen to me?? I suppose all of the major religions started out as fringe, nutcase, beautifully marketed cults and they just happened to catch on. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.....