ably took a back seat.Apparently a group of world climate scientists came out with a report today on the causes of global warming and I apologize for not yet having informed myself about its contents. I caught a bit of it in passing but I can't be sure if I heard accurately. For what it's worth I believe the report concluded that the increase in mean temperature is caused by Filipinos but don't go quoting me on this.
Phyllis and I have been anticipating the worst ever since we saw the film The Day After Tomorrow. Prior to my latest visit we decided that with the world coming to an end any day now we should take up a hobby that would be fun, bad for us, but not incapacitating on a day to day basis. Cigarettes were the answer and last week we began smoking 2 packs a day and I left
Calgary wondering why we hadn't thought of this sooner!When I say we I actually mean Phyllis since I can't afford a 2 pack a day habit. We got around this by closing all the windows and vents and having Phyllis puff away while I got the benefits of the 2nd hand smoke.... an elegant solution to a tricky problem.
Phyllis, ever the hedonist, couldn't stop and would smoke till the wee hours of the morning. A bit of sleep and an early start the next day was pretty much our schedule for the entire week. We laughed, hacked, and sputumed our way through six full days and each of us lost more than 10 pounds as an added bonus. For this to work though the world does have to come to an end within a couple of years so please...idle your cars, buy SUVs, stop recycli
ng plastics, anything but let's get this over with!! OK gotta run...time for the nightly news.
8 comments:
Geez, but couldn't she at least wash her hands after sticking her fingers up your ass?
McFinney, you crude, wonderful, Irish bastard!! Those are bona fide nicotine stains but at a certain point we DID run out of cigarettes and Phyllis in her addicted and frenzied state started looking everywhere for her next smoke (and I mean everywhere)I sense some bitterness and jealousy....it may be time to up your dosage again.
I like your life philosophy, Blob. It couldn't be more apt for this gloom-and-doom era. But now that you're home, how are you going to keep up the 2-pack-a-day secondhand smoke habit? Can your kids get part-time jobs so they can start smoking to help you out? Just a suggestion.
Not to worry Viv. My children are seasoned shoplifters and when I get the 3 of them working together,well, there's almost nothing they can't steal (have you seen my new fridge??!!)
Just last night at a nearby convenience store my youngest Daniel induced vomiting near the slushy machine while Lara (the eldest) pleaded for help. Benjamin (son #2) took advantage of the confusion and filled a pillowcase with as many cartons of cigs as he could.
I'm still partial to the 2nd-hand smoke method because it's so exquisitely passive but despite my best intentions cannot force my kids to start smoking. I think I'll just wait till they're in school and burn a couple of packs on the stove thereby turning my kitchen into a carcinogenic sauna. As always I appreciate your concerned commentary.
As appears to be the trend lately (see Christmas photos), I have unwittingly been following in Mother's footsteps yet again. You see, I myself, after hearing the latest IPCC updates on climate change, and after attending a hard-hitting panel discussion on the impending water crisis that we will be experienceing in the near future- have taken up smoking as well... weed that is, coupled with a newfound desire for wearing flowy, colorful clothing woven from alternative threads.
Hi Arielle,
I'm glad to see that you've come on board with the bad habits, soft drugs and granola clothing being two of the better ones, but what ever happened to tradition??
I'm talking of course about Christmas and the "festival of cleavage" that once and for all put some meaning back into a holiday that has become so commercialized. You and your sister should dress like hippies as often as you like but come next December think about putting away the peasant dresses and taking out those special holiday T shirts that your Mom bought for you. After all....what would Jesus want you to do?
Whenever someone brings up tobacco in relation to global warming, I can't help but point out that it's actually an example of something whose burning does not, in principle, contribute to the amount of CO2 in the air, because the tobacco plant absorbs the same amount as part of its cycle. Still, that's both assuming that the tobacco is only harvested sustainably, and it disregards all the non-CO2 pollutants in the smoke (like the kinds that trigger asthma, for example). Oh, the complexities!
Agreed Lenoxus....not only does a sustainably farmed tobacco crop balance itself out in the greenhouse gas dept. but the more people smoke the more people die and that can only be beneficial to the environment. Everyone in China smokes for instance and does their government have a big "Stop Smoking" campaign going? Of course not. They are tacitly advocating smoking as a way of culling the herd without invoking some harsh and controversial social policy. What a great idea!
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