A Leap of Faith

As mentioned in the last post I'm dealing with a primitive dial-up internet hookup while on vacation and I'm currently facing my first related dilemma. Dixxx (bless his heart)has sent me a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e647x8xFKTs that contains what I assume are warm Chrismukkah wishes from one Fred Phelps. All that I know of Phelps is that he is an outspoken and orthodox preacher who espouses a literalist view of scripture. As a result he and his devout band of disciples travel across the continent preaching the gospel and evangelizing just as they've been instructed to do in the bible.
While I may not always agree with his views I admire his determination and his steadfastness in the face of criticism. There are many who do not take kindly to him but it's hard to argue with his interpretation of scripture...it's all there in black and white.
I can't view the clip because of the interminable download time but if Dixxx sent it in and it's some sort of interfaith message of hope and tolerance from Phelps (which I'm guessing it is because he is after all a follower of Christ who was a kind, tolerant, and forgiving soul)) then I'm willing to take the leap of faith and blindly post the unvetted video clip. (a first here at The Blob)
I trust that the high standards of moral decency and good taste that I've worked so hard to achieve and maintain will be upheld.

On The Road Again

The Blob is hitting the road early tomorrow morning as I head west to spend a traditional homestyle prairie Christmas with GF Phyllis and her family. Posting from remote Priddis, Alberta will prove a challenge as I'll be in a dial-up type situation but with a bit of perseverance things should work out just fine.

As a card carrying member of "the chosen people" (I'd like to ask God exactly what it was that we were chosen for again) I don't celebrate the birth of Christ unless invited to do so by some of my Christian brethren and/or sistren. With a sudden and unexpected drop in airfare and a partial travel grant from The Inter-Denominational Council of Christians and Jews this trip became possible so off I'll go!

Some time tomorrow the entire Jensen clan will troop off onto the back 40 to search for the perfect tree. Soren, the youngest, gets to have the last word on tree choice (as per tradition) and the trimming and bedecking starts as soon as they all get home and set their boots to dry by the ol' forced air heat ducts.

Phyllis will certainly break out the holiday dinnerware and serve up her famous country-roasted muskrat. "The secret is to cook it with the skin and fur intact because it insulates the meat and helps seal in the juices. Just before serving I like to have one of my girls comb out the fur but that's just for presentation....we're having so many folks over this year that I may have to go out and shoot me another one!" laughed the gleeful carnivore.

The Jensens are of nordic heritage and as such prone to depression. This, to me, is the only explanation for the ceremonial unravelling of the scarf which every year seems to put a bit of a damper on the festivities. This tradition involves an intricately woven scarf, preferably hand-made by an elderly aunt or grandmother, that is passed from person to person and gradually unravelled until it resembles a tangled skein of wool. I'm told that it symbolizes alienation and the disintegration of the family. After this doleful interlude its time for dessert, presents, and party games.

Best Christmas wishes to you all. As always keep those comments and queries coming and feel free to help yourself to my stuff. To be fair let's keep it to only one armload per person so we don't have a repeat of last year's "Dave and the U-Haul" incident.

Douchebag of the Year

Everybody.....Everybody has had their say on the Donald Trump/Tara Conner (Miss USA)/Rosie O'Donnel melee. I felt that it was such an obvious target that I wouldn't even bother to lower myself and comment here at The Blob but then I says to myself "Self (I says) who do you think you're kidding?" Certainly none of you out there who know all too well that there are no depths to which I will not stoop.

Here's a quick recap - Tara wins Miss USA and then gets involved in conduct unbecoming of a beauty queen: hardcore partying, underage drinking and drugs, faux lesbian kissing...you know the routine. Rumors spread that Trump, who owns the pageant, is about to fire her but instead he absolves her at a heavily attended press conference. Ms. Conner breaks down in shame and, overwhelmed by Pope Donald's goodness, pledges to enter rehab (the new satcloth and ashes of the sin crowd) and vows to become "the best Miss USA ever!!" For my money the girl on girl kissing with Miss Teen USA already seals the deal!

Next up comes Rosie who trashes Trump who then trashes right back and a breathless world now waits to see if and when the lawyers get involved.

You had to be a real idiot to believe for one moment that Donald Trump would fire the comely pageant winner. The tainted image of the Miss USA pageant vs. the image of Trump as God the most benevolent, the weeping young hottie practically kneeling before him and giving him a Lewinsky right there for the whole world to see...he lives for moments like this.

For what it's worth I predict that Conner will fulfill her queenly duties and that when the year is over will almost immediately appear nude in some mag or debase herself on a reality TV show. Trust me on this one.

Speaking of White Stuff....

I don't want to start relying too heavily on YouTube for Blob content but damn there's a lot of cool stuff on that site.

You know that innocuous looking box of cornstarch in your pantry? This vid features a bit of the starch, some water, and a variable speed, lab-issue vibrator (sorry guys...no Asian chicks). Watch it till the end and I guarantee that it will freak you out!!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MILgZLzJVw

The Inconvenient Truth That Dare Not Speak It's Name

Dixxx said...
Why is nature taking the form of a penis again? I hate it when it does that.

With that one short question Dixxx has put his finger on something (let's hope he's washed his hands) that until now has only been spoken of in hushed tones among earth scientists.

Embedded in rock and locked away in the ice shields of the Antarctic are remnants of organic compounds with a strikingly similar molecular structure to testosterone. Dating back some 3 million years to a period of the Earth's last great warming these mysterious fossils are only now yielding clues that may give us some insight into the current state of our planet.

As we belch record amounts of greenhouse gasses into the upper atmosphere thereby depleting the ozone layer and causing an incremental rise in the Earth's mean annual temperature scientists, as early as 15 years ago, began detecting small amounts of the testosterone-like compound across the globe.

As Dixxx so insightfully pointed out, the effects are already being felt. The pictures above are but a few examples but more threatening still is the looming spectre of "global penising"! The weather patterns associated with the El Nino are beginning to transform into a more menacing El Pino and the North and South American west coasts are feeling the brunt this winter with thrust after thrust of inclement weather. As we on the east coast prepare for a green Christmas weary pedestrians in the desert city of Las vegas are dealing with snow of all things!! Sights of these streetwalkers wiping the white stuff out of their hair and eyes are common and incidents like this will be on the rise unless matters are taken into hand in the very near future. Paying lip service will no longer suffice but with those such as Al Gore pounding home the message at every opportunity there is still hope. His recently founded "Institute for the Study of Phalliform Geomorphology" shared this alarming picture of El Pino with The Blob and I post it as a warning...it's time to do something people!! Like an inmate in a prison shower about to drop the soap the Earth is heading unknowingly for an awful surprise!!

Bert Parks Remembered

If you're of my generation you'll probably remember Bert Parks as the perennial MC of the Miss America beauty pageant. He wasn't particularly talented and I never saw him do anything else on TV or in film but he did provide a sort of paternal feel to his role as host/harem eunuch. Parks also got to sing "There she is...Miss America" as the newly crowned winner took her walk of victory.

A good friend who has contributed to the Blob as Steiner, the Stern Brothers, kent@verbagecontroldata etc. has sent me a video that shows how untalented Parks truly was! (his own take on a McCartney and Wings classic that probably has Sir Paul spinning in his grave) This must see is a classic of poor directing and an over reaching ego and had me wanting to dust off my bazooka. The back-up dancers are every bit as bad and there's a great trumpet faux pas at the very end by the lead player who was probably so distracted by the preceding debacle that he entered early with what sounds like a very small and squeaky fart. http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=nJBDcb7kq_g

Element of the Year - Polonium

The sun rose on a new day, the last of the after-party revellers made for home and the surprise winner of this years "Mendy" award glowed just a little bit brighter. The Mendy is awarded annually to the element of the year after a nation-wide mail in vote of scientists, science writers, and the Hollywood foreign press.
Named after Dmitry Mendeleyev, (the inventor of the periodic table) the Mendy is the most prestigious and only prize available to the elements. As such we are subject to the perennial PR campaigns with different elemental camps placing ads in such august publications as the journal Science and the industry paper The Chemical Times.
This year saw Ytterbium take an early and seemingly insurmountable lead only to have victory snatched away at the last minute by the improbable winner: POLONIUM.
Last night's star studded ceremony was hosted by actor and raconteur John Ratzenberger, better known as the beloved postman Cliff Clavin from TV's Cheers. He presided over a fast paced evening that featured a lifetime achievement award to Carbon (or "the big C" as it's affectionately known) and a touching tribute to Mercury, a once popular element that has fallen on hard times since the introduction of the digital thermometer. Another of the evening's highlight featured Dr. Randolph Guthbertson, Dean of Chemical Sciences at Wesleyan University, who brought the house down with his whimsical take on the discovery of Thalium.
The murder by polonium poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko, Russian ex-pat and outspoken critic of the Putin regime, helped put the media focus on this year's winner. The press and public alike took immediately to the story that has all the earmarks of a John LeCarre spy thriller.
Polonium was discovered by Marie and Pierre Curie in 1898 and is in fact the only element named to highlight a political controversy, namely the partition and non-independence of Poland, Marie's native land. Pound for pound it's around 5 million times more toxic than cyanide and yet has remained a little known square on the periodic table until just a few weeks ago. Despite it's high toxicity it was used (until 1982) to extend the shelf life of fruit juices and certain dairy products.

That's Some Dreidel!!

With Chanukkah fast approaching it's time to think of gifts for your loved ones. Nothing says "I care" more than a beautiful, hand-crafted dreidel from Hyman's Judaica. Israeli artisans have overlooked no detail and are proud to present this numbered, limited edition dreidel that is sure to become a cherished family heirloom through the generations.

Look carefully at the gorgeous craftmanship.....the spindle and upper plate have been knurled and polished to a mirror finish. The side panel artwork by Moishe Ben Levitan has been commissioned expressly for use on the SpinMaster3000 and the original molds are on permanent display at the Beir Sheebah Museum of Modern Art! The tapered bottom panels have been Swiss-bevelled and the spin point has been laser sharpened to 15 microns.

The dreidel itself is composed entirely of 100% Sterling silver with precision engineered gyroscopic action and a floating beryllium core (pat. pend.) for double the spin life compared to that of a standard model. It will undoubtedly provide hours of fun and a lifetime of memories.

Similar works of functional art can be purchased at auction for more than a thousand dollars but by ordering today through The Blob the SpinMaster3000 can be yours for only 5 easy payments of $99.99 (tax, shipping, handling, customs duty and a little something extra for the wife not incl.)

Chest, Nuts, Roasted on an Open Fire

Penis-Burning Woman Ordered Detained in Montreal Until Next Court Appearance

Peter Rakobowchuk, Canadian PressPublished: Monday, December 11, 2006








MONTREAL (CP) - A woman who used fondue fuel to set her boyfriend's penis on fire will spend the holidays in jail. Police arrested Andree Rene last week after she failed to turn up in court for sentencing arguments on a charge of aggravated assault. In April 2001, Rene's boyfriend went to bed following a heated argument between them. As he snoozed, Rene doused the man's private parts with fuel and set them aflame.
The 52-year-old spent a month in hospital after suffering third-degree burns in the pelvic area and on his chest.

This is an excerpt from an actual story culled from the wire services (go ahead...google it) that caught my attention for obvious reasons. I guess I won't be complaining about girlfriend troubles any more and actually consider myself blessed that I've avoided that level of anger and vindictiveness. While the report itself is interesting I especially enjoyed the headline writer's brilliant turn of phrase: "Penis-Burning Woman" just begs to be the title of an up-tempo, riff driven rock anthem along the lines of "Born to be Wild" don't ya think??

She's a penis-burnin' woman and she's playin' with fire
Penis-burnin' woman object of my desire
Matches in one hand, fuel in the other
Say hi to your sister, used to be your brother
Penis-burnin woman, I'm the moth and you're the flame. etc etc.

Anyways, you get the idea...if you need me I'll be in the recording studio.

More B.S. - As in Britney Spears

I have no interest in Britney Spears or her music (OK "Toxic" wasn't a bad song and her crotch shots were oddly compelling) other than a certain fascination with her being the embodiment of the ever-growing celebrity as product phenomenon. Watch this interview (pre-divorce) and you'll be tempted to empathize with poor Britney, misunderstood and harrassed to the point of tears by the relentless paparazzi http://disloyal.org/?show=976 . Okay?? Now juxtapose the teary young mom with the recent spate of photos featuring Britney and Paris Hilton partying away with nary a pair of underpants between them. (see Dec 4th)

Let this be a lesson to us all: the majority of so called celebs are emotionally needy exhibitionists who live and die by the PR that they can generate.

I too make my living as a musician and have never had to resort to the crass display of my gentalia to garner publicity. "Oh Yeah?!?" I hear you ask, "what about Japan??" By now it's a well known fact that the incident in Tokyo's Suntory Hall was either a complete accident or the drunken result of a lost bet (damn you Mr. Fujikowa!!). My memory of the event is a bit fuzzy but I've been assured by the proper authorities that my work visa will be reinstated this coming spring provided I sign a sworn statement proclaiming that I will never again be naked within the internationally recognized boundaries of the Japanese nation. (yes ...that includes bathing.)

At any rate, that was a few years ago and I've since changed my ways. Only time will tell if several years hence, Ms. Spears will be able to say the same.

Chrismukkah???

I actually saw a municipal electronic message board announcing an upcoming Chrismukkah party and gift exchange. Now I'm all for the interdenominational, brotherhood of man stuff but please....leave my holiday alone!! This is yet another example of the war on Hannukah (or Chanukka, Channukah, Hannukha etc.) that shows no sign of letting up.

Jesus was no doubt a great man but he may have been a cross between motivational maven Tony Robbins and magician David Copperfield rather than the son of God. Hannukah on the other hand...now there's a miracle! A thimble full of oil lasting a full 8 days?? I get shivers just thinking about it....I mean really....OIL.......8 full days!!......and it was only a tiny bit!!! Imagine the power of 5 D cell batteries crammed into only one AAA and you'll begin to appreciate the scope and grandeur of this holiday. Honestly, it wasn't even enough oil to fry up a pork chop let alone consecrate a temple for more than a week and now the powers that be are trying to hybridize the Festival of Light and deprive us of it's singular glory. It's bad enough that the obligatory seasonal shopping trips leave me feeling less like a human being and more like a cow headed for slaughter (the retail outlet as abbatoir where we are herded, manipulated, and processed by forces way beyond our control) but please....don't go cutting my potato latkes with bits of fruitcake or wassail (whatever the hell that is).

Chrismukkah?? I think not!

NBC Stays the Course

Displaying uncommon resolve, NBC decided thursday morning to stay with their regularly scheduled programming rather than switch over to a live press conference featuring Tony Blair and George Bush. All other North American networks carried the event but NBC ignored the herding instinct and stuck with Martha Stewart.
"I was completely against the idea at first" said anchorman Brian Williams "but when I saw that fabulous cheesecake she was making.....well, it was a call I wasn't willing to make...I backed off immediately".
Stewart, a reformed convict and the high priestess of homemakers followed the cooking segment with another devoted to inexpensive, fun fashions for the holidays. Meanwhile frustrated viewers across the nation were missing The Price Is Right and The View. "I'd just yelled out my bid on a home juke box and then they cut to that Katie Couric woman...I never knew if I'd have won or whatnot!" Betsy Munson wasn't the only unhappy customer as switchboards lit up at nearly all the stations who'd cut away.

Bush and Blair,as expected, had little if anything of substance to say (the Iraq Study Group report notwithstanding) so NBC won the day by being resolute and remaining loyal to their morning fan base of bored, overweight women. (and me)

Out on a Limb

Call me crazy but I have a sneaking suspicion that darkhorse candidate Stephane Dion will emerge from this weekend's Liberal leadership convention with a stunning upset victory. As unlikely as this seems I've spent some time analyzing the situation and the numbers seem to add up. Pundits and editorialists aside, poll leader Michael Ignatieff has been in damage control mode ever since that now infamous drunken brawl at Teezer's strip club in Oshawa and Ontario's Bob Rae while running a respectable 2nd has failed to capture the public's imagination with his repeated references to "The snuggly, patchwork quilt of love that is our great nation of Canada!"

Toiling tirelessly in the background, Dion has been wheeling and dealing and is prepared to pounce when an opportune moment arises. Look for also ran Gerard Kennedy to fork over the large passel of delegates that Dion will need to put him over the top. Remember...you heard it here 1st!

The Blob endorses Stephane Dion as leader of the Liberal opposition and as future prime minister. His winning combination of keen logic, dogged determination, and a sickly pastiness are but a few of his assets. In time he will win over the rest of Canada, yes even his home province of Quebec, where he is regarded as something of a traitor for having had the nerve to demand the truth of the people who wanted to dismember the country a few years back. If I'm proven wrong about all this I'll get out of the business of political prognostication and shut this blog down for good.

Leave it to Beaver 2: The Brazilianing

Any regular reader of the Blob knows that one of my most frequent contributors is the Beaver Woman (GF Phyllis in her many guises). Well look out Phyllis because fresh from her divorce and hoping to re-establish her party girl image, new mom Britney Spears is fixin' to give you a run for your money.
By now everyone knows that Brit has started partying with Paris Hilton and baring her pre-pubescent beaver to paparazzi in a calculated and cynical attempt at some product (namely herself) re-imaging. Now I'm no prude and have nothing against nudity (I was actually naked twice yesterday and again today!) but this is just pathetic. What's worse is that it works!! I'm writing about it, it's all over the web and TV...we're talking millions of dollars worth of PR for a couple of crotch shots. The message is clear to all of today's young women: Talent is no longer enough and often unnecessary. Click on this link (then on the Listen button)to hear an interview that applies to this post as well as those of Nov.19th, June 14th and June 12th.http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6549015

DiscomBlobulated

No posts in almost a week, difficulty sleeping, a hankering for Chinese food...these are just a few of the effects that publishing ( and the repeated quality control viewings) "The Greatest Orchestra Ever" have had upon yours truly. I spent many of my formative years in youth orchestras and music schools while at the same time suffering from a chronic case of Yellow Fever (my 1st two girlfriends were in fact Oriental). The video in question caused a sort of post traumatic stress reaction that really threw me for a loop and in a way had me thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't seen it or anything like it when I was a teenager. (has anyone ever died from excessive self-abuse??)

I'll try to get back to Blobbing on a more regular basis despite a slew of Christmas related work in the coming weeks. I think I can do it if I budget my time wisely and stop checking the NACO (Naked Asian Chick Orchestra) video. After all, it really does get old after the first 20 or so viewings. Remember.....the original Blob charter mandates that I give advice to my readers so feel free to ask me about anything. BTW Dixxx, the girls of NACO wore high heels to one-up the Hanshu Academy for Gifted and Naked Musicians orchestra who were completely nude (no class if you ask me).