Of Mouse and Man

I try to stay away from the "blog as diary" approach as much as possible. Nobody really cares what I had for supper last night or how my boys did in their football playoff games (roast squab, lost, and lost). Every once in a while I feel that one of my life events bears recounting and in this case I'll tell the following story as a means of coming clean and confessing my sins against nature hoping against hope that in time you'll all be able to forgive me.
With October comes the cold weather and with the cold weather there usually comes a mouse or two seeking food and shelter. Last year the mouse insurgency was a startling success with raid after raid and not one kill. The traps I'd purchased were inferior and I'd routinely check in the morning only to find them unsprung but with the tasty morsel of cheddar or dab of peanut butter nowhere to be found! After a while I gave up and the mice moved on.
This year, like clockwork, I was awoken one night by sounds of scurrying in the pots and pans section of my cupboards. Twice now I've seen the offending rodent, no bigger than a ping pong ball, flit across the kitchen floor while I was talking on the phone and the droppings...Oy!!!....droppings everywhere!!
Two days ago I decided to put an end to this nonsense and ponied up the extra dollar for the proverbial "better mouse trap" pictured here.
The trigger mechanism sits ever so precariously in the yellow tray and even a mouse with the deftest touch has no chance. For some reason I thought that no bait was needed (I think I mis-read the display at the hardware store) and even convinced myself that the tray smelled a bit like cheese....looking back I now realize that it smells like plastic. Needless to say, night one was a dismal failure. Yesterday I left my house at 1:30 but before doing so I reset the trap and added a strategically placed slug of peanut butter. Surely this would do the trick.
In the past, my succesful attempts have been announced by a loud SMACK as the device crashes down at lightning speed onto the neck of the unsuspecting rodent. Five seconds or so of struggle and it's over...violent but as humane as I'm prepared to go (YOU live trap!!) I figure as long as it's a quick death the mouse, who is after all invading my house, stealing my food, and shitting on my cutlery, is getting what he deserves.
I arrived to a darkened house at 11 p.m. hoping and half expecting to be rid of the pest. Entering the kitchen I could make out vague shapes and forms barely illuminated by ambient light from another room. What looked like the outline of a mouse in a trap lay before me but it couldn't be.....it was ten feet away from where I'd placed it!! I quickly flicked on the lights with a sense of anticipation and dread and was greeted with a sight so tragic, so pathetic, that I'm sure it will haunt me till the day I die. The mouse had sprung the trap all right and almost managed to jump clear from the spring loaded arm......almost. His left foot didn't make it and what was now a tiny, bloody, and mangled stump was pinning him to the trap which in his panic he'd dragged all the way across the kitchen to where he now rested...alive!!!
Exhausted as I was having come from 2 rehearsals and a couple of hours of moving instruments I was not ready to deal with this situation in any cogent, heroic, or humane way. Not knowing how much fight the mouse had left in him I donned an oven mitt, gingerly grabbed the trap and threw it and the mouse into my bushes. He died during the night as I slept the fitful sleep of the guilt ridden. For those of you who care about such things I apologize deeply and sincerely. For those of you who don't I wonder if there's anything good on TV tonight.

Death of a Tubist

Tommy Johnson passed away last week at the age of 71. "Tommy who??!" some may ask and others more rudely "Who the f**k was Tommy Johnson!??" To a large portion of my readership however he was a known commodity....a legendary tuba player who will be sorely missed. Based for much of his career in Los Angeles, Tommy layed down the tuba parts on dozens of movie soundtracks and is responsible for what are perhaps the two most recognizable notes in cinematic history as heard in the theme from Jaws. Tubists and their low brass comrades are by and large a sentimental (at times even maudlin) bunch. In the world of classical music if woodwind players could be characterized as neurotic poodle types the low brass are affable St. Bernards. That being the case I've prepared this memorial tribute with them in mind.

Unleashing the Artist Within

With all the talk about art (watercolor mostly) going on I decided to try my hand, at art that is. We'll talk about my long distance relationship another time. Seeing as I can't draw a straight line I was glad to see the link to the jacksonpollock.org website in my comment section. After spending an hour or so splashing cyber-paint around I realized that without being an alcoholic/rageoholic I'd never approach the intensity evident in the works of the great master.
It occurred to me that "photo-shopping" will be an accepted form of fine art within 5 to 10 years and seeing as I've already gotten a head start with all my work on The Blob my metier seems to have chosen itself! As a more serious artiste I'll have to take a step back from the visual puns and humorous collages that have become a staple on my site and occasionally delve into the adult world of socio-political commentary as expressed by the juxtaposition and superimposition of photographic images all the while maintaining a refined sense of aesthetics. Since my best work to date involves "leave it to beaver" with a dog turd this should prove a real challenge.
My first image, presented for your approval, is already stirring up some controversy. "Simple and bold yet enigmatic and timely, "Oaken Bucket with Pontiff" is a thought provoking work that stands alone as a serious statement by an otherwise ridiculous man" heralded Mark Dinsmore of the London Times earlier this week. Take a look and let me know what you think.

The "MUST HAVE" Toy of the Year

With Ramadan now over we can safely turn the page and look foreward to another joyous holiday season. Christmas and Hannukah sort of creep up on you. Before you can say "inter-denominational" there are but two days to go before your festivities of choice and many gifts yet to be bought. If you're at all like me you'll find yourself in some God-forsaken mall crammed full of like minded, last minute shoppers searching for "that perfect gift" and settling for much less...."Uncle Morton likes golf...I'll get him this golf calendar!" Then the calculations start, based on some mysterious value system that I believe has become hard wired in us over the generations, and we realize that a calendar is not enough so we have to "top up" the gift with some filler (sort of like adding baby's breath to a bouquet) to make us appear more generous...."Arnold Palmer fleece lined slippers!!...only 8 people to go!!"
It usually only takes me a few minutes to realize, once again, that the mall is full of stupid people whom I hate because they are procrastinators, rushing around mindlessly buying horrid, mass produced crap, praying for inspiration just as fervently as I pray for a loaded Uzi. Of course I'm mostly mad at myself but it's better while at the mall to hate everyone else (and their pathetic children too!!). Be it resolved that this year will be different. I've already started my list and will share some of my finds with you as yet another service that I can provide here at The Blob. First up is a new, adult angle on a classic toy from Tyco ....a company that seems to have a firm grip on the needs of at least this consumer.

Watercolor...not just for Sissies any more!

Trombonist, billiard player, third baseman, lady's man....now we can add watercolor artist to the long list of Mike Wilson's many accomplishments. I say now because his website is finally up and running and he is this month's featured artist in no less a publication than Watercolor Weekly!! http://michaelwilson.groovinmusic.net/ Click on this link and prepare to be transported into a pastoral world so subtle that you'll feel like a crass pig just for breathing. To me, this refined quality alone is a major accomplishment after the incident in 10th grade where my geography teacher accused me of being "as subtle as a turd in a punchbowl". Add this to the artistic expertise and I'm proud to say that you heard it here first! If Wilson isn't a household name within 5 years I'll be very surprised and here at The Blob I intend to tout and shill for him whenever possible (did somebody say 10%??). The paintings themselves are a joy but the website seems to be a work in progress...I'd add a few fake blurbs and critiques: "The artist's delicate yet moving juxtaposition of light and shadow remind one of DelaCroix before he contracted syphyllis" -M.J.Clark- Fine Arts Quarterly.... that sort of thing....anyways, Check it out!!

Pressed into Action

A free press is one of the cornerstones of democracy (the other is pay-per-view "Jerry Springer Uncensored!!") and as such I stand before you shamed and humbled by the press release that came out earlier this morning. While it's largely you, my readers and contributors, that are to blame for the tone of The Blob, I suppose the buck stops here and I will accept all slings and arrows that come my way. I was hoping to announce my new and improved clean-up campaign with all the hulabaloo and festoonery that it deserves (there was even to be tinsel!!) but Timothy Gardner's article (read below) beat me to the punch and took all the wind out of my sails. As always, I remain undaunted and the important campaign will go ahead as planned. There is much work to be done so with out further ado I present the beloved mascot DJ Slimy to kick things off:

This Just In......

Group Lists 10 Most Polluted Places on Earth
Wed Oct 18, 6:05 PM
By Timothy Gardner


NEW YORK (Reuters) - A Russian city where chemical weapons were once manufactured, a town in Zambia's copper mining belt, and a little known weblog called The Blob are among the 10 most polluted places on Earth, a U.S. environmental group said on Wednesday.
GreenWatch spokesman Garth Halvorsen was particularly upset about The Blob; "The VFC (verbal fecal coliform) count at that one site was the worst we've ever seen and has already caused serious skin diseases in several readers. We're talking impetigo, scabies and that's just the S's! This speaks to a complete lack of self-regulation and discipline......... don't even get me started on Zambia." When asked why he thought impetigo started with the letter S, Halvorsen quickly fled the room bringing the press conference to an abrupt end.
Upon further investigation The Blob does indeed show grossly elevated levels of fecal contamination but moderator and arbiter Bob Slapcoff claims that this is not entirely his fault. "I've tried policing the site and appealing to people's inner sense of decency but that works about as well as one-ply toilet paper. I'm hoping to get government regulators involved" said the burly Jew. When pressed further he conceded that a marketing campaign was already in preparation using beloved mascot DJ Slimy as it's principal spokesperson. Said Slapcoff; "Slimy is a good thing, an honest thing, and the first ever dog vomit slime mold to be awarded a coveted mascot position. If HE can't clean up my site then no one can".
GreenWatch has targeted The Blob to spearhead its campaign feeling that a success on the popular internet front will give more visibility to the other places that nobody really cares about.

Leave it to Beaver

...as in "leave it to beaver (aka my GF Phyllis) to once again lower the tone of the Blob with her poop talk". I'll plead guilty for having set her off with my "Count Fistula" ad and honestly, I never would have done it had I known the consequences. Leave it to Dixxx for blending scatology and eschatology (the branch of phliosophy/religion dealing with the end of days and the coming of the messiah) into one coherent post.
The comment section is and has always been a free forum for discussion. I see myself as a moderator and occasionally an arbiter but now that the backwaters of my Blob have become more of a sewage system I may have to put my foot down (albeit very carefully!).
Sure, there's a time and place for this type of humor....Vegas in the 60's for instance. Half of Buddy Hackett's act was scatological and the late Redd Foxx's album "You Gotta Wash Your Ass" with a grimacing Foxx and a mule on the cover was perhaps the pinnacle of scat humour. That being said I know that I shouldn't be looking a gift horse (or mule for that matter) in the mouth and should be thankful for any and all commentary no matter how distasteful. I guess I'll be more careful about inspiring tasteless thoughts while Dixxx counts his blessings and Phyllis (bran-eatin' beaver) stocks up on psyllium. The arbiter has spoken.

Forever Young

General Mills in their infinite wisdom have seized upon a marketing opportunity that has been exploited by other industries such as toy manufacturing and TV but not by food suppliers. As Gord MacMalmum, VP of marketing for General Mills (Canadian division), tells it this is an idea who's time has come. "The baby boom generation is a demographic powerhouse that still has a lot of financial clout. Nostalgia marketing has been around to cater to this group for years now but the cereals these folks ate as kids just don't provide for the needs of an aging population. Here at General Mills we've taken some of our old brands and re-engineered them by pumping them full of fibre and other ingredients that promote regularity. I had a bowl this morning and I know that eating these products will make you feel like a kid again in more ways than one........now will you excuse me a minute."
As he ran off MacMalmum reminded me that the Blob readership was the perfect test market for the new brands which is why they'd chosen to advertise here first. Next time you're at the supermarket look for one of these new cereals and tell 'em Blob sent you for a 15% discount!!

Fact Czech

The comment section attached to my Tofurky post is roiling with all sorts of mis-information and false assumptions. First of all we have the arbitrary limits on my super hero choice, flight or invisibility, as if those were the only two options. In the immortal words of Shaniqua Jefferson: (Jerry Springer Show- June 7, 1991) "You don't know me!!!" I'll have you know that I considered many super powers including exceptional glibness (we're talking extremely glib here), ultra-fast walking, and toxic sweat but in the end settled for invisibility....OK, OK .....you were right! The way I look at it no matter how great your strength or how well you can fly you'll still be caught ogling the unclothed models in their changing room and be viewed with pity and disdain. Invisibility, however, frees you up for the models and all sorts of other stuff.... on the whole it's pretty much a no-brainer.
Famed conductor Bernard Haitink guessed flight (WRONG!!) and Dixxx mistakenly thought Haitink was Czech goalie Bernard Hasek fusing the two into one mythical creature, a Condoalie. He was in fact thinking of Dominic Hassock (pictured here) the famed minor league goaltender who suffered a horrible accident at a furniture warehouse when an entire shelf of hassocks collapsed on him and his wife. She didn't survive and he was told by doctors that removing the hassock would cause permanent paralysis. Dominic has learnt to live with the burden and on the bright side he hasn't given up a rebound in 4 years.
It's nice to see the Blob community growing and interacting, albeit on a rudimentary level. I look forward to more of the same in the weeks, months and days (not necessarily in that order) to come.

A recent comment from Dixxx included a question about whether I was preparing a Munson's beveled ham or a turkey for Thanksgiving. He also wanted my turkey recipe.

As many of you now know Munson's has had to cease operations for the forseeable future due to an outbreak of trychinosis that followed quickly on the heels of it's E coli scare. For the unfortunate people of Lumbridge, Kentucky this is the 1st time in some 70 years (the great Botulism outbreak of 1937) that the beveling machines have fallen silent. I was afraid that our holiday dinner without the world famous angle-sliced ham would be a non-event but my Dad the vegetarian came to the rescue and supplied a large Tofurky butterball loaf. This artificially flavored, pressed soy derivative/spackling compound proved a healthy alternative to that tired, old standard; the turkey. I offered my Father the first scoop and then served up the rest to my hungry and eager family. A more grateful bunch you never did see and we all agreed that, in the absence of a Munson's Beveled Ham, nothing says "Thank you, oh Lord" better than a piping hot ball of Tofurky.

For Dixx and other interested readers I do indeed have a recipe that is guaranteed to make the juiciest and most tender bird imagineable....read on:

Turkey Ativan Style

Ingredients;

15-20 lb. turkey, cleaned and patted dry

1 bunch of fresh Italian parsley

1 carrot

1 onion

1 celery stalk

cajun spice rub

600 mg. of Ativan(or any other generic muscle relaxant) dissolved in 1 cup of melted butter

Place 1st 4 ingredients in cavity, rub exterior liberally with cajun spices, baste with Ativan/butter solution (Ed. note: if you have a flavor injector this works even better)

Cook at 325 until meat thermometer reads 175 degrees. The breast meat will be so tender you'll have to eat it with a spoon!

Thanksgiving is out of the way which means that Hannukah can't be too far off. Stay tuned for another favorite seasonal recipe "Potato Latkes a la Rommel". The Desert Fox had his own take on a holiday classic....who knew??!!??

Everybody into the Pool

The trees proudly display their seasonal finery, the air is as crisp as a freshly picked Paula Red, and a thick paste coats the roof of my mouth (probably a side-effect from my medication). The sense of anticipation we all feel can only mean one thing; It's hockey pool season once again.
Hockey Pool season (sometimes referred to as Autumn by the Eskimos) is that favorite time of the year when men and women of all ages hunker down with their stat sheets and try to figure out ways of giving me their money.
Three years ago I won the well known Wingell Cup and more than $600 dollars as top point getter in our pool. One year later: NHL players strike and last year a change to a live draft format that I was unable to be involved with. So here we are....2006-2007 season underway and I'm ready to defend my title. When I say I that should actually read WE but more about that later.
Many of you have asked how I did it. If you'll recall I lead from the very beginning and by the all-star break had built up an insurmountable advantage. If I don't perform up to expectations this year then we can just say that it was beginner's luck. Obviously there is a lot at stake, so much in fact, that it would be foolish of me to divulge any secrets. I will say this though; If you can find a sports statistics whiz kid like I did you'll be doing yourself a big favor. Mine is named Soren (son of GF Phyllis) and we'll be attempting to repeat as a tandem once again. He made the picks and I rubber stamped them after making a couple of key changes. One was choosing Marc Savard as my ace in the hole and the other was picking a defenceman who had already retired. The latter move worked to our advantage as I held on to the retiree at trade time (hailed by The Hockey News as "A bold psychological manoeuvre"). So there it is...get someone who knows a lot about hockey to make your picks and choose a least one retired, injured, or dead player. Good luck to you all.

When in Islamabad.....

OK then...time to come clean about those ads for counter-terrorism once and for all. Yes, CSIS has a file on me which means so do the CIA and many other intelligence organizations now that they've learnt to share. Yes, I did have a weekend tryst with the current Governor General of Canada when she was still a reporter and yes, I did dump her because she seemed too needy. The strange thing is, however, that neither of these two points have anything to do with each other.
Some years ago I was in Paris to perform some contemporary music. The per diem was pretty skimpy so I did a lot of eating in my room by boiling water and adding it to ramen and other such instant meals. A small East Indian grocery next to my hotel had a good selection of curries and soups and one of these had a scratch and win contest that, lo and behold, I scratched and won!! The prize was a trip for 2 to Islamabad but since I couldn't find a willing travelling partner I went by myself.
Islamabad was something of a disappointment because most of the tourist sites were closed during some sort of religious festival. One of the pleasant surprises was that raw sewage, given the proper conditions of high humidity and 47 degree temperature, gives off quite an intoxicating aroma. Anyways, with the festival dragging on for days on end I decided to join in on one of the ubiquitous street parades. As I ventured into the throng I couldn't help wondering why, on this day, people seemed very angry so I oozed my way (I was sweating a lot) to the front of the crowd and soon realized that this was an anti-American protest that was threatening to get out of hand. I joined in with gusto hoping to avoid getting hacked to pieces and it worked except that CSIS got a picture of me in full frenzy and put me on a terrorist sympathizer list. The rest is history and the ads in the sidebar are just a friendly reminder that big brother is still watching me.
Here's hoping that we can now put this issue to rest.

Re-Viv-ified

Fresh from the over-indulgence and subsequent atonement that are the Jewish high holidays I feel refreshed and ready to resume the Blob albeit with a cold and laryngitis and GF Phyllis in town. My Rosh Ha Shanna resolution for 5767 is to stop referring to all oriental peoples as Chinese. It should be easy enough although that's what I said last year before failing dismally in the celebrated incident at "The Saigon Garden" that got me banned for life. (apologies to Mr. Ng and his children; Kn, Bt, and little Vb jr.)
It's a pleasure to see Viv back in print after what seems like an eternity without her insightful commentary and pointed questions. Viv...it's OK....no need to apologize. I realize that people who have jobs, kids, and absentee husbands have less time for posting comments.
Both Viv and Dixxx have questions about my sidebar ads and in particular the ones relating to counter terrorism. I'll get to that in an upcoming post but before I do I should point out that I too have questions about the ad choices made by my parent company. Today's juxtapostion of fast food and blood diarrhea advertisements can only be the work of a twisted practical joker at AdSense.( but to be on the safe side stay away from Wendy's Spinach Caesar Tartare for a while) BTW I hear that every 10th person to click on the latter ad gets a free "I beat blood diarrhea" T shirt. Good luck to you all!!