Still There But Forgotten

The anticipation was palpable. Journalists and bloggers rubbed their hands with glee. Here's an example of a headline touting the event to be:

"ROAD TRIP
Take one FEMA trailer, add an impassioned man: Washington is about to get shaken up
Saturday, August 19, 2006
By Bob WarrenSt. Bernard/Plaquemines bureau"
Welllllllll....not shaken, not even stirred, just a nice warm kiss to the butt (I think a little tongue even) Read on:
Remember hurricane Katrina? About a year ago in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast??....The devastation.....slow government response???....yeah, that's the one! Well one man named Rockey Vaccarella who lost everything (including a son) to the storm has garnered a lot of attention of late for schlepping all the way to Washington in a FEMA style trailer with hopes of meeting with the president and reminding him of his obligation to help those thousands who still suffer. I figured there was no way Bush or his people would let this guy in the front gate. If you want to talk about bad PR seeing some unshaven prole reprimanding the commander-in-chief with elections on the horizon is a classic non-starter......then again.....not seeing him could have looked even worse so a meeting was hastily arranged. I've got to hand it to the presidential staff. They sized up this guy in a second and realized that he'd make Bush look like a magnanimous genius rather than a buffoonish slacker and that he did. The two men ambled out (amiably) after their tete-a-tete to address the nation and Bush let fly with a few platitudes along the lines of "We understand your desperation but it's only been a year....this will take a long time." (Ground zero was all tidied up after a year. Why are there still shrimp boats on peoples balconies ?)
Up next was Rockey...his moment in the sun...the hopes and prayers of the multitudes riding along with him in that trailer. He thanked the president profusely for the "millions of trailers" (many are still without) with color TV and toilets and such and then wished publicly that Bush could have another 4 years to continue the job that only he can do so well. I saw this on CNN I swear!! Oh yeah...he also asked Bush to not forget about all the good and long suffering people of the Gulf Coast region.
What the hell happened in the oval office? Did an aide slip something into Rockey's drink? Was the grandeur of the White House so overwhelming that he crumbled like a paper thin slice of Greek feta? We'll never know for sure but I bet the powers that be wish they had a Rockey type shill to trot out for all their other problems... Irockey perhaps:
"We wish to thank and praise President Bush for bringing to us the democracy and urge him to stay to course! I speak to survivors in what's left of market and they all agree!! Four more years!!"

The Glory Of Live TV

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQmJCf_sh_c&mode=related&search=

Click on this link and observe how it's done in Belgium (if I'm not mistaken). From what I've been able to decipher this is a clip where the host of the talk show Boemerang recounts the disaster of his 1st and last show and what was ostensibly the end of his TV career. The show appears to be about medical mishaps and his guests and some of the audience members have suffered greatly from malpractice. The host, Erik Hartmann, tries his best to be empathetic but fails miserably in what I think is the all time greatest crash and burn (I'm not one given to hyperbole) in the history of television. Invest the 6 or so minutes it takes to view this clip....you'll thank me in the morning.

Blob on the Bandwagon

With the success of the cyber-hyped new release "Snakes On A Plane" already a marketing legend I feel that I have to move quickly if I want a piece of the action. The idea is to come up with a "low concept" (crappy) premise for a film and name it accordingly, try ot get an A-list star on board, plant the seed of interest in the blogosphere and let it grow into a massive shrub of anticipation. With "The Blob's" growing readership I'm ideally placed to get a groundswell going so please, everybody.....do your part to create a buzz!
At first I thought of making a tie-in with the whole terrorist/liquid ban thing: Ointment On A Plane but there are so many lame "On A Plane" type parodies already and even this title proved too subtle. I needed something a little more "In your face" so I've settled on the idea you see before you. I depend on you, blobophiles, to get the hype going. Once that's done the film will take care of itself. The beauty of this plan is that the movie can be a low-budget piece of garbage but box office receipts from the 1st weekend will put me on easy street. Now get out there and start spreading the news!!!

Whitefish! ........ On YouTube!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sn4w-YQbnN4&mode=related&search=

Here's an amusing little commercial parody I came across. As everyone knows I enjoy a nice piece of whitefish every now and then so it's good to see the 37th ranked most popular food fish (overtaking hake and turbot in the most recent poll) getting a little airplay. Enjoy!

Hope for the Hopeless

Is your kid an under-achiever?...a social outcast with little or no self-esteem?....untalented and unmotivated?....in short a loser?

1. If this sounds all too familiar then I'm sure that you as a parent have reason to fear for his future. "What kind of work can there possibly be out there for a kid like this?" you've asked yourself countless times, no doubt looking ahead now that you realize his childhood is a total write off. (Important note to my own children; This does NOT apply to you....I won't have you quoting this post to your shrink in 20 years time.) After doing a bit of typical Blob type research I've come across a vocational placement agency that specializes in just this sort of thing. PERDO SERVICES has a list of several jobs and their respective required aptitudes that will put your mind to rest. Here are just a couple:

• Insecurity guard- Minimal contact with public and a uniform that bestows a somewhat unnatural sense of self. Must enjoy doing nothing punctuated by periods of stasis.

• Un-stable boy - Work extensively with horses who will never mock you or try to dissuade you when inevitably, the voices in your head start telling you to light fires.

...and that's just the tip of the iceberg! So folks, there is hope after all. As Leo Tolstoy once noted; "If it weren't for losers there'd be no winners." How right he was! (I know, I KNOW....I was listening .....now where did I put those damned matches??)

Take THAT Islamo-Fascists

American entrepreneurial spirit will never be daunted by the terrorist threat. Its a dangerous world we live in but as Condaleeza Rice so wisely stated "In every dangerous situation lies an opportunity". "No more drinks allowed to be brought on planes" they tell us? A day after a seeming victory for the terrorists it looks as if our way of life won't have to change at all. The geniuses at Similac (patriots all) have come up with a line of baby formula for adults. Says company CEO Winston Velasquez; "The FAA said only baby formula was allowed on planes and we saw this as an opportunity...we'll have a whole line of flavors by fall....hazelnut, gin, what have you! It says for baby and toddler on the can but it's really for everyone. That's the beauty of it!" So, we'll keep on flying and keep on drinking only now we'll be getting better nutritional value...nice try Al Qaeda.

This Landis Lie Man

Disgraced American cyclist Frank Landis is pictured here during the traditional presentation of the last of his urine samples to the French judges following the 17th and final stage of this year's Tour de France.


(AP) - Floyd Landis took shots at cycling and anti-doping officials in his first interview since a second drug test showed he had synthetic testosterone in his body during his Tour de France victory.


In an interview with USA Today in Monday editions, the American cyclist said he has been treated unfairly and cannot properly defend himself against doping accusations.
"There's some kind of agenda there. I just don't know what it is," he said. (reprinted from the AP article)

That actual quote leads me to believe that Landis is asking us to read between the lines. I assume he's implying that he's been set up by the French who have somehow doctored 2 tests in independent labs in order to keep yet another American from winning their precious race. Landis has claimed that his body actually produces extra testosterone (just look at that manly moustache and attractively sparse chin stubble) but fails to add that it was a synthesized version of the hormone that was found coursing into and out of his urethra. Sure there's tremendous pressure on these athletes but look at me.......here at the Blob there are constant deadlines to meet and critics lurking everywhere waiting for a misplaced apostrophe or a fractured turn of phrase. I swear to you here and now that despite the great temptation I have never yielded to the siren song of performance enhancing drugs or artificial stimulants (unless you want to count muffins....guilty as charged!).

1. Anyone who doesn't know what's going on with Mel Gibson must have been locked in a trunk somewhere. For the rest of us his trials and tribulations of the past week have a strange resonance with "the greatest story ever told". We in the media have been quick to pass judgement but how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another we haven't been caught speeding while drunk and then ranted anti-semitic nonsense to the officer involved? Mr. Gibson has graciously granted the Blob this exclusive interview as part of his well publicized "healing through outreach to Jews" mea culpa. The questions were not discussed beforehand.

Blob: Good evening Mr. Gibson...may I call you Mel?

MG: Be my guest.

Blob: I guess we should start from the beginning. Your father...holocaust denier or misunderstood eccentric?

MG: I suppose you could say he was a bit of both. He never really denied the holocaust but he did say it wasn't as bad as everybody says it was. I can't sit here and apologize for him but if what he said was wrong then I'm sure he'd be the 1st to admit it once he was shown the proof. He was a difficult man....

Blob: Fair enough.... Sexiest man alive, Academy award winner, box office golden boy...why the sad face?

MG: You're not serious are you? If you mean why am I depressed I could give you the 2 hour answer if I was really sure what it was but that's best saved for my analyst....God knows I'm paying her enough (slightly forced laughter). The short answer is that I started drinking again, and heavily. After I did "The Passion" I started looking at my life and in a weird sort of way Judaism became more and more appealing....this despite all my previous beliefs! It was as though I was being ripped in two. As always, for me at least, booze was the answer.

Blob: Listen Mel, we can settle this right here...I have an exacto knife and I'm sure I have some numbing agent left. We can start the conversion! You're not circumsized are you?

MG: No...at least I wasn't last time I checked (guffaw). Anyways that's the dumbest idea I ever heard and I say that with all due respect to the Jewish community. I'm not interested in converting, only in finding out why I'm such a racist bastard. I was hoping you and other more important Jews could help me in my voyage of personal discovery.

Blob: Well....the circumcision was sort of my only idea....my best one at any rate.

MG: You had others? What were they?

Blob: They were more about penance than penis (general grinning) but I couldn't think of any thing appropriate.

MG: This has pretty much been a total waste of time.

Blob: Sorry.....can you sign my arm?.......Wait!!......Bye Mel.....Mel!!

The Rainforest gals had some interesting questions (see Aug. 3rd) about fashion which were answered by Phyllis (aka brazen beaver) and Viv (aka stretch) so comprehensively that I have nothing to add. I doff my tuque to them and urge you to read their comments. There may be a catfight brewing so let's just sit back and pray quietly.
I did manage to find this magazine that only amplifies what Phyllis was getting at. If any of you are offended please remember...don't shoot the messenger!

SCORE!!! The Blob Goes One on One With Mel Gibson in an Exclusive Interview!!

Sometimes when opportunity doesn't come a knockin' you have to go grab it and pull it towards you by the scruff of the neck. So there I was sitting in front of the TV and hearing about how poor Mel Gibson was reaching out to the Jewish community to help him heal. Here are some excerpts from his letter: ".......But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith...... I'm not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one-on-one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing."
Then the reports come in about the cautious and unaccomodating reaction from said community and then the lightbulb goes on over my head! As a Jew with a growing readership I have more clout than I did at this time last year so a simple phone call to Gibson's publicist and a brief explanation that BLOB was an acronym for a Hebrew phrase (B'nai Lechem Ohevet Baruch - brotherhood of the beloved and blessed bread.....YOU do better!) and I was IN!! Stay tuned to this site for my interview/intervention with Mr. Mad Max himself. If anyone has any questions they'd like me to ask him please submit them in a hurry. He may call at any time.

davidboloton said...
"For someone who claims to love and honour Katie so much, you sure chose an odd photo of her to display. I mean, come ON. Her eyes look close enough together to suggest inbreeding. And her teeth! Can someone in the room perform a phrenectomy, like, now? [I mean, come ON]"


Is this any better David??? The earlier photo of her next to Dan Rather came as a package and I downloaded it unchanged. I suspect that you're a bit of a perve (if this IS The David Boloton I knew from high school) and that what you really want are nudes of Katie. Sorry Bud....no such luck. #1: This isn't that type of site and #2: I've spent hours trolling the backwaters of the internet without so much as a bite(not even a nipple). BTW her teeth are perfect and her eyes are actually wideset giving her that "Pekingese" look that men just love. Remember...35 days to go!!!

Katie on CBS....35 Days and Counting

You've already heard the news no doubt: Dan Rather is out as anchor of the CBS Evening news and Katie Couric is in as of September 7th. She signed the contract worth a reported 65 million not too long ago and after a teary farewell on the Today Show she sort of disappeared. It's no secret that I'm rather fond of the pixyish newswoman so her absence has troubled me enough to find out where she's gone.

I did find out but before we get to that I must say that I had some reservations about this bold move by CBS. Look at that picture of Rather looking every inch the hardened newsman. He of the smoke filled conference room hashing out last minute details before airtime. He of the desert coloured flack jacket, on assignment in Afghanistan embedded with the Mujehaddin. Now look at sweet Katie....the perky girl next door with the killer legs. Will America buy the news from her?? Obviously if I'm asking this question then so are some execs at CBS who may have had second thoughts. That is why Katie has been holed away at a sort of "Gravitas Boot Camp" for the last 3 weeks. (GRAVITAS: substance, weightiness: a serious demeanor) Reports of jowl implants are untrue but she has received botox to tone down the irrepressible grin and undergoes daily beatings by a team of Laotians. "We don't want to hurt her" assures head honcho Sean MacManus "but she does need toughening up. Katie objected at first but then....well... there's that contract. Anyways, she heals beautifully. Come September 7th she'll hit the ground running and this will all have been forgotten."
The stage is set, the countdown is on and I have confidence that the re-education of Katie will have the desired effect. Now I can start worrying about Meredith Viera who will be replacing Couric on the Today Show. Viera is a seasoned TV personality but she IS replacing a legend. Those will be some awfully small and expensive shoes to fill.....only time will tell. As always trust the Blob to keep you up to date on the vital news of the day.

Just when I thought reality TV couldn't get any better....

I'm glad network TV is getting over the whole political correctness thing and giving the viewers what we really need. I will be tuning in and eagerly so.