I'm Leaving for the Party Palace

Somewhere just outside of Kingston, Ontario is where the Clan of the Party Bear (all regular contributors to and readers of The Blob) will be holing up for the holiday period. I'll be inflicting myself upon them for the next few days so I thought I'd leave you with one more post to mull over in my absence. What should it be though, perhaps something travel related, with a party palace theme. Let's go to Taiwan and take a look at a veritable potty palace; the fabled Modern Toilet Restaurant!!

(The reporter in the video succumbed to the temptation but I will try to resist hurling one bad feces related pun after another at my treasured readers)

The menu consists mostly of traditional Chinese fare but for Christmas they've added a spectacular yet troubling Turducken, an interesting peanut-corn fudge loaf, and a realistic Yule log. I can only hope that the food in Kingston will be as appetizing. Merry Christmas!!!!

Element of the Year 2007 edition - and the Mendy goes to.....

Rotterdam Institute of Science and Technology - The Netherlands

With Professors Feith and Jansen hosting the proceedings this year's Mendy Awards celebration went off without a hitch. The veteran Dutch comedy duo kept the audience in stitches with their version of Tom Lehrer's "The Element Song" and kept the evening moving along at a nice clip until it was time for the big announcement; this year's Mendy winner for element of the year. Named after Dmitri Mendeleev, inventor of the periodic table, the Mendy goes to the element that for whatever reason garnered the most notoriety during the preceding 12 months. Last year's victor, Polonium, was on hand to pass on the torch and the suspense built to a fever pitch as sometime around 11 p.m. presenters Paula Abdul and Simon Fuller announced that Lead , good old Pb 82, was taking home the honour.

This war horse of a metal, in use for thousands of years, has seen its star rise during the past several months thanks in large part to the Chinese and their love of inexpensive lead-based paints that give their toys a nice sheen and a dangerously elevated level of toxicity.

Lead was in attendance with Pam Anderson who didn't deny rumors that the 2 were an item. "I don't want to say too much" said the platinum and silicone starlet "but I love heavy metal and this guy is the heaviest!!"

As they zoomed off for the traditional after party and post-after party we were left to wonder if next year would be the year for an inert gas to finally have its moment in the spotlight. With the world helium shortage in full swing don't be surprised if element number 2 is feeling lighter than air some 12 months from now. Remember...you heard it here first!!

Genetic Engineering - A Clear and Present Danger (step 1: read article - step 2: view video)

While the future of genetic technology has both scientists and laypeople alike rubbing their hands in anticipation we must remain ever vigilant lest these applications fall into the wrong hands. In the not too distant future we may be confronted with a situation where a rich, egomaniacal celebrity, a Michael Jackson say, decides to perpetuate his DNA by having it implanted into another equally famous and like-minded megastar. Even though his career is on the skids his essence could get out on stage every night while he and his decaying face could remain in Neverland watching a live closed circuit feed.
No right thinking scientist would foist such a horrendous creature upon an unwitting world and yet there are those who, for the proper remuneration, would do just about anything. Narcissistic hybrids like the one seen above (a worst case scenario) may become the rule rather than the exception with all sorts of symbiotic deals worked out to boost sagging careers.
As George Bush once said: "Don't wish for stuff you want because if you do too hard you'll get it, you'll get the thing but it may not be what....you shouldn't wish."

Putting the Oompah Back in Christmas

The teachers leading the school choir -- made up of Grade 2 and 3 pupils -- have dropped the word 'Christmas' from Silver Bells and replaced it with the word "festive." So, when the choir performs tomorrow at a singalong assembly, instead of singing, "soon it will be Christmas Day," they will sing, "soon it will be a festive day."

So reports The Ottawa Citizen in what is just another example of the war on Christmas that shows no signs of letting up. This is a holiday that celebrates history's most famous Jew and I for one can no longer sit idly by. First they try to take the Christ out of Christmas and now this (from an article in the Lakeland Examiner):

The traditional and festive sound of the euphonium may well become a thing of the past in Minnesota if local commissioners have their way. Apparently the sound of hundreds of kids caroling on their majestic low brass instruments have been coaxing lonely moose out of the forest and occasionaly onto our highways leading so far to one confirmed fatality. Defiant teens have already begun playing their favorite Xmas tunes under the cover of darkness in anticipation of the draconian crackdown.

It's time to fight back and I urge people of all faiths to join me in my campaign to put the oompah back in Christmas. Buy a CD (such as the one pictured below), invite a euphoniumist over for some eggnog and have him play for you, try to smile and look grateful, avoid looking at your watch or cleaning under your fingernails. Any little gesture will help as we try to take back the holiday from the secular and anti-musical forces of evil. The poor lad in the video clip above is but a lone voice in the Godless wilderness. Close your eyes and imagine a world without that velvety euphonium sound. Would we really be better off????

Venezuelan National Penis Week at The Blob Continues

Dixxx said...
Dear Blob,

Is there such a thing as kosher porn?

A few days ago Dixxx, a regular contributor, asked this of me and may have felt that I was ignoring him. The truth of the matter is that I've been researching the question and have had a lot of trouble coming up with what one may actually call kosher porn. Kosher laws are of course dietary and while there is a crossover between food, eating, and sex most famously exhibited in this scene from the Japanese screen classic Tampopo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNB7LLa1BsA I can't honestly say that there's much erotic potential in kreplach, tzimmes, schmalz herring and other Jewish favorites.

I was about to give up when I came across a site devoted to teaching kosher law to today's internet generation using strong images that many of us older folks might find distasteful. Said Lubavitcher Rabbi and creator of the site Mordechai Blaustein; "Sometimes it takes a picture with a little zetz (oomph) to get the kids today to remember. We're not allowed to beat them anymore so we use images of sex and violence just like the machers (big shots) out in Hollywood."

I'm not going to reprint the whole catalogue of rules and accompanying pictures but here's just one example using a kosher salami that I like to call "Hung Jewry".

Breaking News

dateline- Gaza

An angry protest has broken out among women in the Hamas controlled section of the West bank over internet access and in particular a restrictive law that forbids them from viewing a little known blog called The Blob. Spokeswoman Rafiqa Sayagh claims that religious authorities reserve the right for men to see the blog in question but feel that it is inappropriate for women. "This is completely wrong. Why must we be deprived of such favorites as Slimy the slime mold and Turd Stuffington??! We think our men go to this site because there are rumors of Jewish porn.....this we must find out!!"

At present the Israeli army is taking a wait and see approach but the violence is threatening to spread as news of the uprising becomes known in other regions.

The Blob has become a popular websearch target in the Arab world of late as unfounded rumors abound about the availability of treasured Jewish porn. Once they find the site many are persuaded to stick around for the timely socio-political commentary, entertainment news, and the mild yet amusing sexual content.

Stay tuned for more infromation as the story unfolds.

Members Only

Maria Callous said...
Blob! What the effseeyoukay? This may be the cosmo talking, but I think you should post a cock shot or something for us ladies. I'm sick of this beaver farm you've created.

This was the gist of the comment that a slightly inebriated Maria C. wrote re: the Dec 11th post. Feel free to read the rest.

I understand her concern but part of me is thinking that she is blowing this issue way out of proportion. Very few posts on The Blob deal with genitalia and the male to female ratio of those that do is fairly well split right down the middle! There is little if any gender bias here.

Still though, I aim to please and it just so happens to be National Penis Week in Venezuela....so declared by Dictator Hugo Chavez in commemoration of a self portrait that he did as a child that his most fervent disciples now see as a prophetic image of future power and dominance.

So there's your "cock shot" Maria, maybe not as explicit as you'd hoped but a hot blooded opera singer such as yourself must at least appreciate the fact that it's not a "flaccido domingo". I've built this site from the ground up always keeping in mind that The Blob is a place for open minded and immature people. If it's porn you want I've heard that some is available, possibly for free even, on the internet. By all means, let me know if you have any success!

Speaking of building I'd like to say a few words about our beloved white elephant, the Olympic Stadium, home to the Montreal Expos before they moved to Washington a couple of years ago. It's a crumbling, concrete behemoth, built in a scuzzy, out-of-the-way part of town. It was supposed to have had a working retractable roof but it only ever worked for a couple of months and has long since been fixed in place all for the low cost of a billion dollars!! The arrogant Parisian architect responsible for this monstrosity is named Roger Taillibert and recently some words he spoke in 2001 have come back to haunt him. Check out the pic....another cock shot for Maria C. and my female readership....happy now????

Forbidden Fruit

One of the most utterly tasteless and comedically brilliant moments in Woody Allen's body of work occurs during the "What's My Perversion" game show parody in the film Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTWJwToMh3E

(SPOILER ALERT: watch the clip before reading on!!!)

At the end of the show an elderly Rabbi gets to live out his perverted fantasy and is bound to a chair while a tall Aryan woman whips him and his wife kneels at his feet and eats pork.

Besides dealing with submission, domination, and humiliation Mr. Allen is speaking directly to the human desire to taste of the forbidden fruit, perceived as being so delicious and desireable precisely because of its unattainable nature.

During the last week or so I've watched as this predisposition is playing itself out right here at The Blob. Using Site Meter I can track how many hits my site has and what country they originate from and it so happens that traffic from Arab countries (Saudi Arabia, Iran, Syria etc.) is way up! We're talking zero to dozens in the space of a few days and it wasn't long before I figured out why. The image at left from a May 22nd, 2007 post about the absence of Jewish porn has been flying around Arab cyberspace faster than a suicide bombers head after a "martyrdom event".

"What's up with that??" I asked myself and sure enough after a bit of internet research I had my answer courtesy of the following article:

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict apparently does not disturb and even encourages Arab internet users from consuming kosher Hebrew porn. Operators of a number of porn sites report that between two and 10% of their users arrive from Muslim countries like Saudi Arabia, Tunisia, Jordan, Egypt, and the Palestinian Authority. Some websites even go as far as offering services in Arabic.

In the past several months we see an increase in traffic from countries that have no diplomatic ties with Israel including Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Egypt," Shahar said.
Due to the demand, Shahar added an Arabic version of the site. Looking at photos
"We get hundreds of hits from surfers that live in countries where porn is prohibited," said Gil Naftali owner and operator of another Hebrew sex site, SexV. "We don't have an Arabic version because users log in to watch photos and video clips that require no explanations."

According to site statistics, last month there were over 2,000 hits from Riad, the capital of Saudi Arabia. The average time a Saudi surfer spends on SexV is 17:23 minutes.

Data also shows that 10 percent of the visitors to the most popular sex site in Israel, Domina, are Arabic speakers. "That is because we offer content in their language," said Tzahi who operates the site.

It seems as though Arabs have been googling "Jewish Porn" and are being directed to the May 22nd Blob post. They in turn tell their friends and relatives all over ther Middle East, Europe, and N. America and voila....my readership numbers have skyrocketed. A hearty Salaam Aleikum to all my Arab brethren. Who knew that a little bit of kosher ass would help bridge the gap between our two great peoples!!

Rethinking Homer

I dont' get it.What guy would want to play with that?

So asks TO Mave in relation to the Homer Simpson photo (dec. 11)

Mikexxster finds it attractive while Waylon Smithers is repulsed and then there's my GF who thinks the element of pedophelia (with the older, meaty and hairy hand pawing at the young girl) is quite distasteful. I had a different take on the picture. To me the guy was just being a helpful gentleman (genitalman??) helping the girl hold her panties out of the way just as a chivalrous man may hold a door open for a woman.

In deference to Phyllis I've reformatted the picture in question but that leaves the whole gender bending issue unresolved. I don't know what to tell you other than Vag-Homer is like a Rorschach ink blot test and beauty remains, as always, in the eye of the beholder

Just when I thought I couldn't like Homer Simpson more...

There are no limits to human creativity, none!! As the new year approaches I can't help but get a little reflective (and I don't mean my sweaty, glistening forehead). Looking back on this past year of Blobbing it's safe to say that I'm still amazed by the heights and depths of human achievement and today's photo manages to exemplify both at once.

I'm sorry if it offends either fans of the Simpson's (this is not at all likely) or the more prudish among us. I happen to think that the human body is a miraculous gift from God and should be displayed unclothed within certain age, gender, and weight limits.

While this photograph provides ample inspiration for dozens of tasteless jokes

(i.e. Homer's 5 o'clock shadow, Homer needing a breath mint etc.) I'll abstain and let this image speak for itself.

Lady Justice Scores the Hat Trick

A simple pig farmer turned homicidal maniac, a star quarterback with a brutal flaw, and a remorseless and greedy billionaire bully boy. Today Lady Justice has seen fit to convict all three and her scales have tipped back towards the prosecution. This is a great day for the rule of law!!

After O.J. walked people lost faith in our legal system but that is all in the past. These 3 men from different backgrounds and socio-economic strata have found common ground and it's sorrounded by electrified fences and razor wire.

With all the sentences handed down within the last 24 hours we now will bear witness to all manner of pundits weighing in about whether the punishments fit the crimes.

If I were a judge I'd have sentenced the lot of them to a gladiator style battle to the death like in Star Trek when Kirk had to fight for the amusement of those tiny guys with the huge, throbbing, veiny, skulls.

Robert Picton is the wiliest and probably fights really dirty...I'd let him have a cat o'nine tails. The imperious and Darth Vader like Conrad Black would get a shield and trident while the hyper athletic Michael Vick would have to have one of his ankles broken BUT would get to use a long handled hatchet. They'd all get oiled up, don some sort of tunic, and have at it....damn it.....yet another of my posts is starting to sound like gay S and M porn!!

I think I'll go phone my girlfriend.

You want stupid?? I'LL show you stupid!!!

Watch this clip first and we can discuss it afterwards....go ahead, I can wait...................................................................................................OK? All right , I'll wait some more, no problem.............................................................................Ready?? Good.

When discussing personal well being the realms of philosophy and theology often intersect. When this happens on The View and the actress Sherri Sheperd is involved we the viewers can add jaw dropping incredulity to the mix. I suppose there will always be stupid people but surely we can find a way to keep them from having an electronic pulpit where they can preach their ignorance to the masses.
Maybe I'm being a bit too hard on Sherri. It's easy for us to guffaw but she may have been making a very subtle argument for the primacy of the holy trinity where Jesus as one 3rd of the divine triumvirate has existed for all eternity but only appeared as the fleshy, beardy,manifestation of God some 2000 years ago......nah..... she's just stupid!
Then again, who says that just because she's on TV she has to know everything. All of us watch TV every day but how many of us really know how it works. Sherri has just managed to get through life without knowing what the letters BC mean when placed after a year.
These things happen.

Channukah goes Chai Tech

Channukah is here again. In fact we're almost half way through as tonight we light the 4th of 8 candles on the menorrah, the traditional holiday candelabra. Take a look back at the archives from dec.12 2006 for the original dreidel ad and then read on to see what my sponsor has come up with for this year's model. It's all very exciting!

"There are dreidels and there are dreidels and then there is this year's SpinMaster 3000 v.2 Exxxtreme model which keeps all of the original's treasured features and schmeers on a thick layer of hi tech extras that'll have the competition choking on their own phlegm!!"

So begins the latest rave review from the December edition of Tech Times.
Yes this is a new dreidel but not to worry....the same Swiss bevelling, gyroscopic action, and floating beryllium core are back. The craftsmen at Hyman's Judaica along with a team of engineers from Israel's Technion University have spared no expense in fashioning a dreidel for the cyber generation and let's just say this baby isn't made of clay!!
OK, the specs:

1. 4 x 1.8" LCD screens with HD capability
2. 4 x USB ports for all your peripherals
3. A state of the art GPS system with satellite friendly hub axis
4. WiFi ready with fold out keypad and stylus

Even if you're not Jewish this is the must have tech toy of the season. Stand back Nintendo Wi, move aside Play Station 3; There's a new kid on the block.....he's bad and he's circumcised!!

Not kvelling yet??? Maybe you should see a doctor or a mortician better!

Another Blob Exclusive: An Interview with Miss Roberta Flack

Yes she is still alive, working, and sounding as great as she ever did back in the days when she had a string of soulful hits that went on to become classic pop standards. Roberta Flack backed by a fabulous band and an equally impressive 45 piece orchestra conquered Montreal's Bell Centre last night at a one-time-only private performance.

I was lucky enough to be part of the orchestra and managed to get ahold of Miss Flack before the show for a short Blob interview:

Blob-Good evening Roberta I was wondering if I could just have a few moments of...hey buddy get your friggin hands off my arm!! I was only trying to speak to Miss Flack (shows security pass) OK then...thank you. Anyways welcome to Montreal. I'm with a little site called The Blob. Can I ask a few questions?

RF- The what???!!

Blob- It's my blog...it's not important. Ummm....What brings you to our fair city?

RF- Well child it sure as hell isn't the weather (raucous laughter) My lord you people sure know how to handle snow. Back where I come from they would've closed the state down for a week!!

I'm just here for this Future Electronics Christmas show. It's a pleasure to play in Montreal again but I have an issue with a certain Canadian that maybe you could help me with.

Blob- Sure Aretha, I mean Roberta...sorry. What can I do?

RF- Have you heard of this guy called Robert Picton, the mass murderer?

Blob- You mean the one from British Columbia accused of killing and butchering dozens of prostitutes at his pig farm/processing plant, who's year long trial recently ended and who now awaits the verdict from a sequestered jury?

RF- Yeah that's the guy...anyways a fan of mine says that she heard of a rumor about a CD this guy released that supposedly rips off a lot of my stuff. I haven't been able to confirm this... being Canadian do you think there's any way you could help?

Blob- Sure Roberta, I'm something of an expert at web based research. If there's an album out there I'll find it for sure!

RF- Thanks ever so much, you're a real doll and by the way, that shaker groove you layed down at the end of the 1st tune was spectacular. I better go warm up now. God Bless.

After the show I raced home to start my web search and sure enough I had the evidence within minutes. Robert Picton is a monster no doubt and a cheap rip off artist as well. May he rot in prison for eternity!!

Of Stars and Idols

Yet another unfortunate victim of the the entertainment/mass media/industrial complex (or EMMIC) is the superlative. Over the years this verbal currency has been devalued as reporters try to be more effusive than the competition. In this extreme, mega environment words like greatness, idol, and star seem to have lost any real meaning. A recent report of the murder of Emily Sander is a good case in point. She was an 18 year old student and for whatever reason decided to make a few bucks getting nude and raunchy on line. She was murdered last week but the story of this young girl was sensationalized by all major news outlets where she was referred to as a porn star. Talk about an oxymoron. There are thousands and thousands of people doing what she did and none of them should be called a star.....let's reserve that word for a miss Katherine Hepburn or a Mr. Jimmy Stewart. Porn is so ubiquitous on the net that it's almost impossible to avoid (try as I might). Why just yesterday when researching the erudite pundit William F. Buckley I mistakenly typed William B. Fuckley...oy, the things that I saw!!
The video above shows a former American Idol finalist, Kelly Pickler, on a US game show. She is known by million, looked up to as a role model by young wannabees and wears the title Idol proudly. Watch the clip and you'll realize how very wrong this is.
Let's re-empower these words by using them more selectively. We can start here and now: This site is great, fabulous, and terrific while most others are merely fine or good.
A site like MrEquipment. com is excellent, especially since founder Colin Muray gave me a nice mention that has sent a flood of interested brass players my way. I'm still not sure what Mr. Equipment does but the site shouldn't be confused with Mr. Medical Equipment or Mr. Drug Paraphernalia, two sites that some of my jazz buddies tell me are incredibly fantabulous.
If you want to see something truly stupendous (it features the tuba...need I say more?) check this out. It will cleanse the palate if the taste of Pickler is still clinging to the back of your tongue like yesterday's souvlaki. (which was superb by the way!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4_am24J56M

Feifle.....Feifle who need feifle....are the luckiest feifle etc.

Tterbfan writes:

Blob -Gotta take you to task on your spelling of "Feifle".

[the "f"s seem too sharp for the sound you want there. Ideally, you'd want to mix a "w"s with each of those "f"s, though I guess that might be hard to indicate]

I'll keep thinking about this and you do too.



I couldn't agree with you more Tterbfan. I had such a problem with this that I almost canned the post and was hoping for a comment such as yours so I could go ahead and show any and all who cared my proposed solution. (a solution that has nothing to do with the letter W by the way, what could you have been thinking???).

Sparing no expense I decided to consult famed Hollywood speech and dialect coach Dr. Zbignievhw Krzynzjkzha who was willing to spend a few moments to help me prepare the following on line tutorial (all this at significant expense mind you). Besides his exorbitant hourly rate I'm also required to tout his upcoming memoir but if it helps my readers to better understand the correct pronounciation of Feifle than so be it. This is no time to be counting nickels!!



The Blob On-line Pronounciation Guide to the Word Feifle

On the surface nothing could seem simpler than pronouncing the word Feifle, but not so fast....looks can be deceiving! In order to achieve the proper faux New England/rustic accent care must be taken to follow the following steps carefully (ed. note: you may want to tighten up that last bit).

1. A general nasal and slightly whiny tone must be adopted (Think Dana Carvey doing George Bush Sr.)


2. The F 's must be breathy and well aspirated with the upper teeth barely touching the bottom lip


3. The EI is a dipthong (actually a diphthong) which reminds me this is Thursday...time to soak down my underpants .....and should be pronounced awe-eye trying as best possible to join the two making a one syllable vowel sound


4. The L is barely voiced or to use the musical parlance ghosted. The back of the tongue is pressed up against the palate to produce something of a glottal stop


5. Assume the attitude of a 65-70 year old Maine outdoorsman who after a long day of lobster fishing likes nothing more than sitting around the wood stove spinnin' yarns over a few Sam Adams.

I think this may just work and the humorous impact of the last post will become readily apparent. Good luck and again, special thanks to Dr. Zbig. I just got a hold of his book ad a couple of minutes ago. Frankly I was expecting something more scholarly but a deal's a deal....here it is:

Trash Talk

I can't help it. I guess I need the pain to feel alive but I found myself watching 2 minutes of a show called TMZ last night. TMZ is the celebrity stalker/gossip website best known for out-papparazzi-ing the papparazzi (and may God protect me from ever having to type a sentence like that again!!) Now they have their own TV show that is so overly smug, bitchy, ironic, and sophomoronic that I cringe just thinking about it.

How have millions of people been manipulated into making celebrity worship into a multi-billion dollar industry? When I was growing up there was The National Enquirer and later People magazine which along with TV's Entertainment Tonight should be blamed for this mess more than anyone else. Now it's reached the point when I can only feel impending doom when a breathy fake-boobed reportrix gushes on about Sir Paul being seen with Rosanna Arquette or Jennifer Aniston taking her two dogs in the car as she left Malibu during the big brushfire (which spared her house BTW...phew!!!!). Have people's lives become so meaningless or depressing that this is the desired escape route? Maybe I should just turn my house into a plant filled oasis, throw away my television, and venture out of doors only to work or for the occasional social activity (on my terms of course!).

I think that along with those campaigns for Non-shopping days somebody should also try to institute an Ignore Celebrities Day. These people are attention pigs who have developed a strange type of symbiotic relationship with the parasitic gossip industry. Now I hear that People Magazine is going regional with dozens of new North American franchises specifically tailored to geographical niche markets. I suppose Quebec's will be called Peuple, New Mexico's La Gente etc. Here's one I dug up targeted towards the New England market. Obscure yes but I'm sure it'll fly off the racks.

But is it Kosher??

While I don't keep a kosher home I try not to judge those who do and often attempt to give a historically based explanation of these arcane dietary laws to my baffled yet gentile friends.

Recently though I decided to delve a little more deeply into this issue and discovered an industry based on incredibly stringent attention to minutiae that would exasperate even the most anal and pedantic among us.

Follow this link and click on "Kosher Video" for an interesting bit of propaganda: http://www.oukosher.org/index.php/professional/videos

Here's an example from Montreal's Kosher inspection service, Vaad Ha'ir on cabbage:

Cabbage -

Cabbage may be prepared in any of the following ways: The heads of cabbage must be placed in the freezer and frozen for 48 hours. Thereafter the cabbage is to be defrosted after which each leaf must be washed under strong running water, ensuring that the water reaches each part of the cabbage. If there are any folds or crevices, the water must also be run over those areas. At that point the cabbage is acceptable. (This system is only good for cabbage that is going to be cooked and not for salads)

OR

The four outside leaves of the cabbage must be removed and discarded. Cut the cabbage into quarters and separate all the leaves. Put into a solution of either a) vinegar and water or b) salt and water. Leave the cabbage in the solution for five minutes. The solution is made up of one teaspoon salt to every litre of water. Should vinegar be used, taste the solution and ensure that it contains a strong vinegar flavor. Thereafter the cabbage should be rinsed off. The water should be shaken off and dried whereafter every single leaf should be inspected to make sure that it is insect-free.

OR

Each leaf of the cabbage should be taken apart. It should be put into a solution of soap and water containing one teaspoon of soap to a litre of water. Stir 2-3 times and leave the cabbage for 5 minutes in the solution. Both sides of each leaf should then be sponged off including folds and crevices, rinsed off very well and then it is acceptable.

OR

Bodek brand cabbage may be used without checking.

Insects aren't kosher (except for certain locusts.....long story, I'll spare you) so the 50 or 60 mites, aphids, and thrips that are in a 3-4 ounce serving of frozen broccoli are bad news. Still though, when faced with that amount of preparation for a cabbage I think I'd rather work at acquiring a taste for thrip (it tastes like very small chicken)

The reason that these laws exist have been disputed by talmudic scholars for generations. Health, hygiene, religious obedience, delineation of Jewish identity, a prank foisted upon Jews by God when he was still a teen (I'm in the latter camp) have all been postulated as explanations and each has held sway at different times. If you speak French here's a report from a local Montreal station that's somewhat less favourable than the 1st clip. My favorite moment is when the reporter approaches a woman outside of a grocery store as she's loading up her car. "Did you buy any kosher products?" he asks her and she replies "No". He then shows her that she did indeed buy many products with the little kosher insignia on them and she is of course concerned and maybe even scared as she realizes that she's been feeding her family Jew food all these years...."Is it bad???" she asks and the question is left to linger. Food cleaned within an inch of it's life? As my grandmother used to say; "Listen...what could be bad?" http://tva.canoe.com/cgi-bin/player/player.pl?titre=Reportage%20J.E.&emission=je&video=http%3A//medias.tva.ca/emissions/je/reportages/19259.wmv&reseau=TVA&promotion

The good people at Munson's tried but failed to convince more Jews to eat their beveled hams as evidenced by the ad up top. In a bid to increase market share they have diversified their line of goods and even managed to get a kosher certification for one of their new products. Bravo to one of my favorite sponsors!!

Lest I Forget

November 22nd, 2007:

44 years ago today a very special man who gave hope to millions was gunned down in Dallas by Lee Harvey Oswald. That man, of course, was president John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

47 years ago today a very special woman who gives hope (and other stuff) to at least one man (me) was born in the west of Canada to a kindly farmwoman who knew little of birth control. That woman was of course my GF Phyllis!!

One year ago today and for no good reason I completely forgot that it was her birthday to no small amount of disappointment and vowed to never let that happen again. In that spirit I wish you, my dearest Phyllis, the happiest of birthdays in this public forum so that all interested parties may bear witness to my love, dedication, and resolve.

Here is a copy of the card that should already be in your mailbox as I write this (as promised by Canada Post....don't blame me if it's late!!). This card is reprinted as is with no touch-ups or photoshop effects:

Dick Wilson Dies - Sheryl Crow Changes Tune

Fine, so maybe you don't know the name Dick Wilson but if you're of my generation you certainly know and love Mr. Whipple, one of the most recognizable faces in the history of advertising. Wilson portrayed the prissy grocer some 500 times in commercials that spanned more than 2 decades and his catchphrase; "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" helped usher in the sexual revolution! (ed. note: it did nothing of the sort!)

I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with my editor on this one. Check out this vintage commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbXPjzM5no4&feature=related

and you'll be amazed by the barely diguised, sexually charged undercurrent. The young, attractive, and most likely married housewives are clearly using the tactile thrill of squeezing toilet paper to sublimate their libidos which are not being satisfied by their loutish husbands. The fact that they were so openly expressing their desire for sensual pleasure, albeit safely to the pseudo-gay and elderly Whipple, meant that liberation (sexual and otherwise) was right around the corner. (Ed. note: I watched the video...OK , you were right...asshole!)

YouTube has other examples of these commercials that bear watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCag_aRx8Hk&feature=related for the patented "Charmin squeeze" where the woman imitates the action of squeezing the buttocks of her partner as they engage in coitus using the traditional man-on-top, missionary position. (ed. note: PUHleeeease!! I said you were right one time and now you are simply taking liberties. You should retract that last preposterous statement immediately! This sort of deconstruction is........OK, I just watched the second clip...I'm going to bed, do whatever the hell you want!!)

Family sources said that Mr. Wilson had been battling ill health for several years but took a turn for the worse recently when he learnt of Sheryl Crow's campaign to save the world from global warming by using between 1 and 4 squares of toilet paper per "bathroom visit", an idea so ridiculous that even ultra-liberal Rosie O'Donnel couldn't believe it responding "Have you seen my ass??!!??"

Dick "Mr. Whipple" Wilson may have not recovered but his death has already had an impact. Earlier today, Crow's publicist announced that the pop singer had been a big fan of the TV character as a teen and would, in his honour, end the campaign. She will instead concentrate on other strategies for saving the planet such as pushing for more government action on renewable energy sources and, in an astonishing turnabout, persuading companies to make even fluffier toilet paper.

"If every roll of toilet paper contained just 7% more air we could save over 50,000 trees a year in the United States alone!!" asserted the preachy milf.

Thank you Mr. Wilson on behalf of myself and all my readers for keeping Ms. Crow and her whacked out idea at bay. You'll be remembered, and often (at least once or twice a day anyways).

A Birthday Message from the Governor General of Canada

Nov.17th 2007

From the office of the Governer General of Canada

The Right Honourable Michaelle Jean

Dearest Bob,

On behalf of the Canadian government and her majesty the Queen of England I'd like to wish you a happy birthday and best of luck in the coming year. These are trying days for all Canadians with the war in Afghanistan, a crumbling social and physical infrastructure, the massive personal debt crisis, and the upcoming world tour by Celine Dion. Thanks to your pioneering work on The Blob these bitter pills are just that much easier to swallow. I urge you to continue along the path you have so courageously set out upon especially in light of the upcoming 20% hike in personal income tax which will help pay for medicare . I trust that you will keep this as yet unannounced information to yourself.

On a more personal note I'd like to thank you for the exculpatory letter. I'll admit that I've been a bit taken aback over the last year or two by your lack of response to my emails, phonecalls, and especially the "Panty-gram" (and this is why I never responded to your recent attempts at communicating with me) but your explanation put my troubled mind to rest. Your girlfriend sounds like quite a pistol and I thank you for keeping me out of her crosshairs. I agree that what's past is past and I too will be content to live with the fond memories of that wonderful weekend. It was kind of you to include those photographs as well. Have you been working out???...nice ab!!

yours wistfully yet with dignity,

The Right Honourable Michaelle "michou" Jean

The Blob Healthwatch: C. Difficile, Fecal Transplantation, and You

This is a rather delicate subject but one of increasing interest and importance nevertheless. The rise of the drug resistant superbug is an everpresent worry in the world of medicine and the bacterium C. Difficile is without doubt the poster-germ for this problem. Patients who have been on antibiotics often have intestines that have been cleansed of all bacteria including the good ones (you know..the yogurt ones; acidophilus, bifidus, etc.) which leave them defenseless against a repopulation by unwelcome visitors. Once infected a downward spiral ensues that can lead to pseudomembranous colitis, an illness that is characterized by offensive-smelling diarrhea, fever, and abdominal pain. It can be severe, causing toxic megacolon, (ed. note: coincidentally, Toxic Megacolon is also the name of the next super villain in Spiderman 4) or even fatal.


Now the disgusting part...a new treatment has been developed called fecal transplantation (look it up)whereby a compatible donor's feces, replete with the beneficial flora, are checked for disease, mixed with saline and rectally delivered to the patient's colon via an enema. The few specialists who do this claim success rates as high as 95%!!

The image illustrates a post -antibiotic, barren intest-o-scape and a colonizing cluster of C. difficile bacteria. I have added words and liquified pooh to better illustrate the transplantation technique.

At present there is an actual stool shortage. The procedure will gain in popularity as C. Difficile related illnesses become more prevalent and many gastroenterologists, concerned by the low supply, are predicting a crisis. Lots of hospitals and newly opened feces banks are currently stockpiling and paying donors well for the now precious human waste material. My doctors tell me that my own stool has the specific type of biological blueprint that makes me a universal donor so bottom line...I am literally sitting on a goldmine!!! I knew one day my ship would come in ....(I said ship!).

The people from the Ileitis and Colitis Foundation have set up a donor fund for fecal transplantation or FT and have conscripted former A-lister and recipient of the treatment, Pierce Brosnan, to act as spokesman. Said the inebriated former star: "Listen, when it comes down to losing half your bowel or having them pour a quart of your brother-in-law's rank, liquified, shit into your ass you do what you have to do!" Truer words have never been spoken.

Celine Alert...this is not a test!!!

If we can believe the latest news reports Celine Dion is leaving Las Vegas and setting out to reconquer the pop music world with a vengeance. She was sighted as far east as New York city early this morning and diva watchers forecast that she will soon end up over the Atlantic, picking up strength as she moves on to Europe.
The hype machine that has been lying dormant for years as she miraculously gave birth to an actual human child is back in gear and we will have the usual onslaught of TV appearances, books, CD's, magazine articles, ring tones, perfumes and assorted other products. This is an ego that is very hungry so her legions of adoring fans can look forward to vapid talk show patter and more on-stage histrionics including the patented "chest thump" move which she perfected while frequently helping jumpstart her husband René's ailing heart.
Now word has it that she is thinking of portraying iconic soprano Maria Callas on film. Indeed, in a recent interview she spoke openly of Callas as her muse and a kindred spirit. Designer Karl Lagerfeld and his crew actually photographed her made up as Callas for a magazine spread so it appears as though all systems are go for the film to be made. If "La Celine" wants to do it then no ammount of money will be able to stop her. Watch the video above to get a good idea of the sublime artistry of Maria Callas and then link to the following tribute by Dion (WARNING: The last 50 seconds have been declared "a crime against humanity and all that is holy" by the world court at The Hague. Feel free to skip the first 3 and a half minutes) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujrOVo7J1HA

Consider it Done!!!

Maria Callous writes: (in reference to post of Friday Nov. 9th))

I feel I should point out some inaccuracies in your picture:

-Dixxx is seen here without his bass trombone.

-My dad seems to have lost a considerable amount of weight

- Hogisto seems to have found it!

-Mikexxxster doesn't have a hot chick on his arm



This is exactly the kind of feedback that I want and need!! Thank you Maria for the constructive criticism and the kind words that cleverly preceded it. I hope this updated photo
meets with your approval.

Dial 1 for service in French....Dial 9 to destroy us.

Quebec language activists target English in government phone messages

MONTREAL - The English option on automated government telephone menus has become a hot-button issue for some French-language groups in the province.
Language activists are decrying the fact that callers to many Quebec government offices are told to "press nine" for English before instructions are delivered in French.

Famed satirist Jonathan Swift must be smiling from on high. In Gulliver's Travels he imagined a war between the diminutive but very nationalistic Lilliputians and the equally tiny and daft Blefuscudians over interpretation of scripture. In this case whether to break an egg at the large or small end. This seems as noble a cause as WWII when compared with some of the incredibly petty language disputes that go on in the province of Quebec. We've had the Office de la Langue Francais decree that a bagel should be called a beigne juif (Jewish donut!!) and a hamburger a hambourgeois. All immigrants have been channeled into the French school system, 99% of all English signage expunged from public view (including the dreaded apostrophe!!) etc. etc. and now this latest cause celebre.

Yes there were wrongs that had to be righted but there is a fine line between vigilance and idiocy. This phone deal falls into the latter category.

If you call some government offices you are greeted in French and then offered to be served in English by pressing 9. As one patriot on the news said yesterday "this treats the French like 2nd class citizens!!" Honestly now, is the French language in Canada in such great peril that it's worth sinking that low??

As an English Montrealer I've had to live with seeing my stake in this place whittled away to almost nothing despite learning to speak French, marrying a French Canadian woman, voluntarily sending all 3 of my kids to French school, and eating my salads after the main course. No detail is too small to be overlooked by the local nationalist zealots lest in doing so the whole culture should come crashing to the ground. That's why the phone issue is so interesting.

Someone in some government committee had to decide at some point in our history what number should be pressed for service in English.

#1 is a total non-starter...there'd be rioting in the streets.

#2 is a little obvious in its reference to 2nd class citizenhood

#3-8 are too random and would make little if any statement

#9 is an easily defendable, well camouflaged insult that should concievably belittle any Anglophone.

#0 is way too insulting and possibly illegal given the new hate crime legislation.

Seperatists are passionate no doubt but not enough to wage an actual war of independence or place non-Francophones in internment camps. Instead they pracitice passive-agressive disenfranchisement in the hopes of getting enough of us to move so they can win their referendum on nationhood. The phone gambit has been put forth, now they play the waiting game........

Instruments of the Orchestra: The Trombone

The Blob is proud to present the first installment in a series designed to fulfill it's educational and cultural mandate. I've applied for a Canada Council grant and this is one of the key stipulations. (another is that I stop hanging around outside the Governor General's residence....Michaelle why aren't you returning my calls???)

As we all know certain instruments attract certain personality types and the trombone is no different, although trombonists fall within a broader range from "gregarious yet troubled" to "moody yet disturbed". Like all instruments in the brass family sound is produced by blowing air through the buzzing lips pressed against a mouth piece. This airstream races around some coiled tubing and comes out of a bell at the other end with a specific timbre, pitch, and volume. The trombone differs in that it has a sliding mechanism (called a "slide") that is used to alter notes and reach for pencils that have fallen on the floor. Most composers use trombones in their orchestrations as an afterthought so the pencil is an essential piece of equipment for doing crosswords and sudokus while awaiting the next loud tutti section. While the trombone is capable of many nuances it's mostly used in loud passages and the impatient and seldom used trombonist makes sure that even supposedly soft moments cause minor brain damage to the unfortunate violists who sit in front of them.

The trumpet section leads the orchestra with blazing glory, the french horns garner attention with their nobility and brawn, the tuba with it's basso profundo range but what of the poor trombonists. They are left to do some of the orchestral heavy lifting, filling out the sound and providing no small amount of oomph...they are the unheralded longshoremen of the ensemble, thick of forearm and low of brow.

This desperation and lack of recognition often leads to alcohol dependency which in turn leads to even louder playing and eventually death. (and in more serious cases conducting) This downward spiral can only be stopped if we, the public, intervene. Next time you see a trombonist, express interest in their instrument and ask a simple question along the lines of "What kind of mouthpiece do you use?" What follows may not be the most interesting hour and a half you've ever spent but the look of appreciation on the faces of these overlooked souls will make it all worthwhile!

As stated earlier this is the first in a series of posts on orchestral instruments. I've chosen to let the trombone go first as an example of practicing what I preach. Trombones never go first in anything.....except The Blob!!!

It's Beginning to Smell a lot Like....The Same Old Crap

We've just gotten through another Halloween and now head straight towards Chrismukkah with a brief pitstop at Remembrance Day for some serious reflection and gratitude before we become moronic consumers once again. Before I get to the main point of this post I'd just like to say how happy I am that the former Druid harvest festival has become just another excuse for young women to get dressed up as alluring/skanky temptresses. Within 10 years I predict that all Christian and Jewish holidays will go the same route. C'mon Muslim babes.....don't be such party poopers!!!!

Ok...back to the main topic. I'm writing this blog in Quebec, the last bastion of the French language in North America and the area with the most insecure populace on the continent (with the exception of those Mexicans who live at the base of active volcanos). Every few years some seperatist leaning politician or pundit decides to ratchet up the rhetoric and stoke the fears for their own personal gain. We are currently undergoing a resurgence of this type of behaviour with a travelling road show of a commission about "Reasonable Accomodation" for immigrants (read: orthodox Muslims and Jews and BTW doesn't that turn of phrase sound more like something you'd find on a cheap motel sign?) that is basically a soapbox for xenophobes and is only serving to stir up shit. Ever ready to pile on when the time is right, Pauline Marois, the smug and annoying leader of the indepence minded Parti Quebecois, has proposed among other things, that new immigrants learn to speak French before they can vote! Who cares if this is illegal, the point is to throw some jingoistic tinder on the ever smouldering embers of fear-based nationalism. Now we have news reports that the state of the French language among students is of a dismal quality....the state of everyone's language is of a dismal quality...join the club!!!

With this perennial language and cultural tension as the backdrop Remembrance Day approaches and with it the annual sale of poppy lapel pins to raise money for our veterans (of all races and mother tongues) and to offer a public display of the deepest gratitude to these men and women who among other things, saved the world from the nazis through their great sacrifice and heroism.

There is pressure on the French of Quebec to assert their difference from the ROC (rest of Canada) and they often go to great and sometimes ludicrous lengths to assert their distinct society status. Turn on any newscast or talk show and the obvious disparity is plain to see; virtually all the English talking heads are sporting poppies while maybe only 5% (that's being charitable) of their French counterparts are. Yes there was a Quebec conscription crisis before WW1 and another lesser one during WW2 (whipped up by an aging xenophobe and present day national hero, Henri Bourassa) but many Quebecers fought valiantly and proudly. To dishonour them by taking such a petty and misplaced stand is almost criminal and definitely idiotic.

Tomorrow I'm going to find me a shriveled old veteran, hand him a crisp 20 and drive him to the nearest French language TV station where we will donate a whole box of poppies to their on-air staff...anybody want in??

Reassurance from Washington: "Just business as usual in Pakistan"

It's hard to believe but we're already closing in on the 30th anniversary of the Iranian revolution. Remember how the population held mass protests against a US backed dictator until the whole government collapsed and morphed into a despotic and dangerous theocracy?

That misguided and self-serving behaviour has become the cornerstone of US foreign policy and Washington is every bit as addicted to it as these Pakistani lawyers are to their morning cup of coffee. They went after Saddam when he outlived his usefullness, they removed Noriega from the CIA payroll then got rid of him too, there's the aforementioned Shah of Iran and the list goes on.

They relied on Gen. Pervez "coup-coup" Musharif to aide in their ill conceived war on terror and we all may soon be paying a heavy price. Those opposition members who have not yet been jailed have gone into hiding and rumor has it that Benazir Bhutto has fled the country and is being replaced by a Nana Mouskouri impersonator. By now we all know that the north of the country, Waziristan or something, is the anarchic launching pad for many Al Qaida and Taliban attacks. Let's sit back and see if the country disintegrates into a radical, terrorist friendly,west hating, Islamist theocracy that unlike Iran, already has the bomb!!

If the present Pakistani regime somehow manages to hold on to power will they not emerge from the struggle emboldened and resume the sabre rattling with India over the disputed province of Kashmir? (something to do with tapestries or sweaters I believe).

If any of you have been planning on seeing the Taj Mahal I suggest you book your flights now because the entire region may be a Planet of the Apes style radioactive forbidden zone within a year and a half. This was something I had to get off my chest...the hubris of this American administration and others that preceded it never ceases to amaze me...I'll try to get back to more familiar Blob staples such as tits and trombones ASAP.

It's Official...God Exists!!!

As you all know, The Blob is usually a clearing house for all sorts of useless information, occasionally an advice blog, and on those most rare of instances* a personal web diary (*i.e. an important pie baking contest, my ex mistakenly sending my strapping 15 yr. old son to a winter-break teen activity camp for retarded and handicapped kids). Blogs as public diaries are almost always an exercise in narcissism and boredom which is why I only take The Blob in this direction with a great amount of forethought. Anyways, here it is....true story:

Yesterday I did the 3rd of 6 shows at a medium sized theater in Laval. It's a French comic operetta with a rather talented cast and a small pit orchestra. Earlier in the week I decided to bring my cell phone into the pit as a timer to make sure we weren't getting stiffed on breaks, rehearsal duration etc. I never do this for obvious reasons and have been rather consistent about this rule during the thousands of gigs that I've done over many years. On this occasion I put the phone on vibrate mode during the dress rehearsal and actually received a call which was completely inaudible...I figured "what the hell" and kept on bringing it into the pit for the shows.

I'm using my old cell phone these days (my other one was stolen) and I forgot that when I get a message the phone plays a little 5 second song at full volume no matter what setting I have it on so sure it enough it goes off for the 1st time in my life right during the 1st act. Of course the orchestra wasn't playing at this time and there was only one dimly lit actor addressing the audience at center stage. I was mortified and then completely stunned when I realized what had just happened: at that point in the play the actor, according to script, hears a cell phone and chastizes the audience for not heeding the pre-show announcement. He then sheepishly realizes it's his own phone, reaches for it on his belt, and has a conversation with the supposed caller. My phone rang exactly on the scripted cell phone cue and for the proper duration!!!!

No one in the crowd noticed a thing but the actor and everyone in the pit were baffled. At the intermission I announced to the my colleagues that it was me, it was an accident (and not a practical joke), and that I now believed in God.

post script: I've since reconsidered the whole belief in God thing but my opinion will shift again this Wednesday when I win 35 million in the lottery.

Breaking the God/Brain Barrier

DIXXX writes:

Dear Blob,

Have you ever heard of the God Helmet?

If you're referring to Dr. Michael Persinger's apparatus then yes I have (and thanks for asking by the way.) Experiments using this controversial device seem to indicate that certain areas of the brain, when stimulated with weak magnetic fields, can produce feelings of being visited by a "presence", either God or dead relative like. The topic is fascinating and easily researched on the web.

I agree with you Dixxx that it would be fun to have one of these gizmos at home but the cost is prohibitive. There are other ways of finding religious ecstasy. Some Haitians use voodoo drums and dance, some Catholics use guilt and self -flaggelation and some of my people, the Hassids to be precise, use a ridiculous over-structured lifestyle coupled with frenzied bouts of drinking (weddings, bar mitzvahs, and the holiday Purim). On these occasions they let go and party like it's 1929 then quickly revert to worrying whether their asparagus florets have been washed in vinegar to kill any tiny mites that may lurk therein. (wouldn't be kosher!!)

While Christians claim to have already had one messianic visitation Jews are still waiting. The old testament says we'll return to the Holy Land after the messiah (moshiach in Hebrew) shows up which is why Hassidim don't recognize Israel as a viable state. For these devout zealots the wait can get long and the entrepreneurial among them have come up with some clever solutions for inducing religious euphoria. Here's one that may interest you:

A Blob Editorial: Treat or Trick??

Another government budget, another few bucks tossed our way. I suppose we should be grateful....the way your dog would be after he pulled you out of your burning house and you gave him a milkbone. I can hear the pols in the back rooms of parliament; "Most people don't really care about Afghanistan or global warming...just throw them a few bucks and quicker than you can say majority government we'll have a lock on this place!!"

This semi-annual exercise in fiscal cynicism is little more than a carnie scam where we cheer the good news at getting a percentage point here and another half there only to have it clawed back during the year with a new (and environmentally friendly) green tax and the "one-time-only" emergency infrastructure/healthcare/Bombardier bailout surtax.

If, despite this scenario, we do manage to come out ahead this extra money usually goes to pay back debts or do some long delayed home repairs which leaves us more or less right back where we started.

My hat goes off to those disciplined and lucky enough to be able to put some money aside. the vast majority of North Americans, no matter what the tax bracket, have become addicted to spending more than they have.

I'm no economist but I'd like to propose what I call The Blob Theory of Napkin-based Fiscal Responsibility. Allow me to explain:

It occurred to me one day as I sat alone finishing up lunch at a local restaurant that my table was quite a mess. Each table had it's own napkin dispenser and mine was now half depleted with the rest scattered on and around my empty plate. Another nearby restaurant that I frequented would only give you one somewhat larger napkin and getting another was often more trouble than it was worth, especially at the lunchtime rush.

In the "dispenser" type eatery I felt no qualms about using one after another...after all I did have an almost limitless supply. With the one napkin I was much more frugal; using it less often, unfolding it in search of clean areas, and even reusing certain spots that weren't too befouled with gravy. The meal tasted every bit as good and my hands and face were just as clean even with the paltry resources. "This must be how smart people approach money!" I thought. "Even when they have a surplus they act as though there's a shortage."

Thanks to the lowly napkin I figured out how to successfully manage my finances and one day when I have some cash I intend to put this theory to the test!!

An Important BLOB Message to Young Women Everywhere: Stop Bitching!!!

Earlier this week a young female contributor posted a rallying cry in my comment section trying to stir other women readers of The Blob to rise up against some perceived menstruation-related slander and the so called laughing boy mentality. Days later, the silence is still deafening, no hate mail in retribution, no burning sac of bloody tampons on my doorstep and no mystery as to the apathetic response. What today's younger generation of women may fail to understand is that the war of the sexes is over. Sure there's still the occasional skirmish but the major battles were fought by your mothers and aunts in the days when just wanting to be addressed as Ms. instead of Miss or Mrs. created a storm of controversy. You've come a long way baby (to quote an old cigarette commercial). Just look at a snippet from an article in this week's news:

When Discovery arrived at its destination, Commander Pamela Melroy was welcomed aboard by Peggy Whitson, Ph.D., the first woman to ever lead the International Space Station. This female tour de force in the male dominated field of test pilots and astronauts sends an unmistakable message to young women that ''girls are good at math,'' and ''girls can do anything.''




So there you have it....women (with the exception of the approx. 90% who hail from the so-called backwards nations) have never had it so good!

Author David Jerome of the fabulous "Turd Stuffington" series of adventure books for boys agrees wholeheartedly: "I was part of the space program, briefly, in the late 60's and this of course was my inspiration for the Stuffington books. To say that it was an all boys club back then is putting it mildly...they might as well have tacked some crude no girls allowed sign to the front door!" chortled the trim scribe. "It was a macho atmosphere for sure but not without it's fair share of well closeted gay men, or so the rumor has it. Aparrently Buzz Aldrin got his nickname from the vibrator-like sound you'd hear whenever he was in the flight simulator with Eugene Grissom. The boys started calling it the flight stimulator" chuckled the mustachioed raconteur. "I mean...there were a whole lot of type A men in close quarters for days or weeks at a time. Some days it got to be a real snake pit or should I say cockpit!!" guffawed the well tailored wordsmith.

It almost goes without saying that women have made huge advances since those days. Men and women who slugged it out back in the day still carry the scars and are by and large too weary to be moved by any overzealous call to arms. Girls today should focus instead on the basics: finding a good job, a good man, having kids eventually, keeping the job, and travelling a bit. The 60's were tough, fun, and heady times but none of us want to go back there.

One more thing; in lieu of payment for his interview I agreed to place an ad spotlighting David Jerome's latest book. I also went off topic in light of JK Rowling's outing of her Dumbledore character and asked about Turd Stuffington's sexuality. Jerome was forthright and confirmed my suspicions....Stuffington is as straight as they come (phewww!!)

A mining expedition on Anulus 5 has gone horribly wrong killing hundreds. A toxic slime has seemingly infected the main shaft and all the artificial probes have mysteriously malfunctioned. Now Turd and his crew must probe the shaft themselves. Will they survive???