But is it Kosher??

While I don't keep a kosher home I try not to judge those who do and often attempt to give a historically based explanation of these arcane dietary laws to my baffled yet gentile friends.

Recently though I decided to delve a little more deeply into this issue and discovered an industry based on incredibly stringent attention to minutiae that would exasperate even the most anal and pedantic among us.

Follow this link and click on "Kosher Video" for an interesting bit of propaganda: http://www.oukosher.org/index.php/professional/videos

Here's an example from Montreal's Kosher inspection service, Vaad Ha'ir on cabbage:

Cabbage -

Cabbage may be prepared in any of the following ways: The heads of cabbage must be placed in the freezer and frozen for 48 hours. Thereafter the cabbage is to be defrosted after which each leaf must be washed under strong running water, ensuring that the water reaches each part of the cabbage. If there are any folds or crevices, the water must also be run over those areas. At that point the cabbage is acceptable. (This system is only good for cabbage that is going to be cooked and not for salads)

OR

The four outside leaves of the cabbage must be removed and discarded. Cut the cabbage into quarters and separate all the leaves. Put into a solution of either a) vinegar and water or b) salt and water. Leave the cabbage in the solution for five minutes. The solution is made up of one teaspoon salt to every litre of water. Should vinegar be used, taste the solution and ensure that it contains a strong vinegar flavor. Thereafter the cabbage should be rinsed off. The water should be shaken off and dried whereafter every single leaf should be inspected to make sure that it is insect-free.

OR

Each leaf of the cabbage should be taken apart. It should be put into a solution of soap and water containing one teaspoon of soap to a litre of water. Stir 2-3 times and leave the cabbage for 5 minutes in the solution. Both sides of each leaf should then be sponged off including folds and crevices, rinsed off very well and then it is acceptable.

OR

Bodek brand cabbage may be used without checking.

Insects aren't kosher (except for certain locusts.....long story, I'll spare you) so the 50 or 60 mites, aphids, and thrips that are in a 3-4 ounce serving of frozen broccoli are bad news. Still though, when faced with that amount of preparation for a cabbage I think I'd rather work at acquiring a taste for thrip (it tastes like very small chicken)

The reason that these laws exist have been disputed by talmudic scholars for generations. Health, hygiene, religious obedience, delineation of Jewish identity, a prank foisted upon Jews by God when he was still a teen (I'm in the latter camp) have all been postulated as explanations and each has held sway at different times. If you speak French here's a report from a local Montreal station that's somewhat less favourable than the 1st clip. My favorite moment is when the reporter approaches a woman outside of a grocery store as she's loading up her car. "Did you buy any kosher products?" he asks her and she replies "No". He then shows her that she did indeed buy many products with the little kosher insignia on them and she is of course concerned and maybe even scared as she realizes that she's been feeding her family Jew food all these years...."Is it bad???" she asks and the question is left to linger. Food cleaned within an inch of it's life? As my grandmother used to say; "Listen...what could be bad?" http://tva.canoe.com/cgi-bin/player/player.pl?titre=Reportage%20J.E.&emission=je&video=http%3A//medias.tva.ca/emissions/je/reportages/19259.wmv&reseau=TVA&promotion

The good people at Munson's tried but failed to convince more Jews to eat their beveled hams as evidenced by the ad up top. In a bid to increase market share they have diversified their line of goods and even managed to get a kosher certification for one of their new products. Bravo to one of my favorite sponsors!!

Lest I Forget

November 22nd, 2007:

44 years ago today a very special man who gave hope to millions was gunned down in Dallas by Lee Harvey Oswald. That man, of course, was president John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

47 years ago today a very special woman who gives hope (and other stuff) to at least one man (me) was born in the west of Canada to a kindly farmwoman who knew little of birth control. That woman was of course my GF Phyllis!!

One year ago today and for no good reason I completely forgot that it was her birthday to no small amount of disappointment and vowed to never let that happen again. In that spirit I wish you, my dearest Phyllis, the happiest of birthdays in this public forum so that all interested parties may bear witness to my love, dedication, and resolve.

Here is a copy of the card that should already be in your mailbox as I write this (as promised by Canada Post....don't blame me if it's late!!). This card is reprinted as is with no touch-ups or photoshop effects:

Dick Wilson Dies - Sheryl Crow Changes Tune

Fine, so maybe you don't know the name Dick Wilson but if you're of my generation you certainly know and love Mr. Whipple, one of the most recognizable faces in the history of advertising. Wilson portrayed the prissy grocer some 500 times in commercials that spanned more than 2 decades and his catchphrase; "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" helped usher in the sexual revolution! (ed. note: it did nothing of the sort!)

I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with my editor on this one. Check out this vintage commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbXPjzM5no4&feature=related

and you'll be amazed by the barely diguised, sexually charged undercurrent. The young, attractive, and most likely married housewives are clearly using the tactile thrill of squeezing toilet paper to sublimate their libidos which are not being satisfied by their loutish husbands. The fact that they were so openly expressing their desire for sensual pleasure, albeit safely to the pseudo-gay and elderly Whipple, meant that liberation (sexual and otherwise) was right around the corner. (Ed. note: I watched the video...OK , you were right...asshole!)

YouTube has other examples of these commercials that bear watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCag_aRx8Hk&feature=related for the patented "Charmin squeeze" where the woman imitates the action of squeezing the buttocks of her partner as they engage in coitus using the traditional man-on-top, missionary position. (ed. note: PUHleeeease!! I said you were right one time and now you are simply taking liberties. You should retract that last preposterous statement immediately! This sort of deconstruction is........OK, I just watched the second clip...I'm going to bed, do whatever the hell you want!!)

Family sources said that Mr. Wilson had been battling ill health for several years but took a turn for the worse recently when he learnt of Sheryl Crow's campaign to save the world from global warming by using between 1 and 4 squares of toilet paper per "bathroom visit", an idea so ridiculous that even ultra-liberal Rosie O'Donnel couldn't believe it responding "Have you seen my ass??!!??"

Dick "Mr. Whipple" Wilson may have not recovered but his death has already had an impact. Earlier today, Crow's publicist announced that the pop singer had been a big fan of the TV character as a teen and would, in his honour, end the campaign. She will instead concentrate on other strategies for saving the planet such as pushing for more government action on renewable energy sources and, in an astonishing turnabout, persuading companies to make even fluffier toilet paper.

"If every roll of toilet paper contained just 7% more air we could save over 50,000 trees a year in the United States alone!!" asserted the preachy milf.

Thank you Mr. Wilson on behalf of myself and all my readers for keeping Ms. Crow and her whacked out idea at bay. You'll be remembered, and often (at least once or twice a day anyways).

A Birthday Message from the Governor General of Canada

Nov.17th 2007

From the office of the Governer General of Canada

The Right Honourable Michaelle Jean

Dearest Bob,

On behalf of the Canadian government and her majesty the Queen of England I'd like to wish you a happy birthday and best of luck in the coming year. These are trying days for all Canadians with the war in Afghanistan, a crumbling social and physical infrastructure, the massive personal debt crisis, and the upcoming world tour by Celine Dion. Thanks to your pioneering work on The Blob these bitter pills are just that much easier to swallow. I urge you to continue along the path you have so courageously set out upon especially in light of the upcoming 20% hike in personal income tax which will help pay for medicare . I trust that you will keep this as yet unannounced information to yourself.

On a more personal note I'd like to thank you for the exculpatory letter. I'll admit that I've been a bit taken aback over the last year or two by your lack of response to my emails, phonecalls, and especially the "Panty-gram" (and this is why I never responded to your recent attempts at communicating with me) but your explanation put my troubled mind to rest. Your girlfriend sounds like quite a pistol and I thank you for keeping me out of her crosshairs. I agree that what's past is past and I too will be content to live with the fond memories of that wonderful weekend. It was kind of you to include those photographs as well. Have you been working out???...nice ab!!

yours wistfully yet with dignity,

The Right Honourable Michaelle "michou" Jean

The Blob Healthwatch: C. Difficile, Fecal Transplantation, and You

This is a rather delicate subject but one of increasing interest and importance nevertheless. The rise of the drug resistant superbug is an everpresent worry in the world of medicine and the bacterium C. Difficile is without doubt the poster-germ for this problem. Patients who have been on antibiotics often have intestines that have been cleansed of all bacteria including the good ones (you know..the yogurt ones; acidophilus, bifidus, etc.) which leave them defenseless against a repopulation by unwelcome visitors. Once infected a downward spiral ensues that can lead to pseudomembranous colitis, an illness that is characterized by offensive-smelling diarrhea, fever, and abdominal pain. It can be severe, causing toxic megacolon, (ed. note: coincidentally, Toxic Megacolon is also the name of the next super villain in Spiderman 4) or even fatal.


Now the disgusting part...a new treatment has been developed called fecal transplantation (look it up)whereby a compatible donor's feces, replete with the beneficial flora, are checked for disease, mixed with saline and rectally delivered to the patient's colon via an enema. The few specialists who do this claim success rates as high as 95%!!

The image illustrates a post -antibiotic, barren intest-o-scape and a colonizing cluster of C. difficile bacteria. I have added words and liquified pooh to better illustrate the transplantation technique.

At present there is an actual stool shortage. The procedure will gain in popularity as C. Difficile related illnesses become more prevalent and many gastroenterologists, concerned by the low supply, are predicting a crisis. Lots of hospitals and newly opened feces banks are currently stockpiling and paying donors well for the now precious human waste material. My doctors tell me that my own stool has the specific type of biological blueprint that makes me a universal donor so bottom line...I am literally sitting on a goldmine!!! I knew one day my ship would come in ....(I said ship!).

The people from the Ileitis and Colitis Foundation have set up a donor fund for fecal transplantation or FT and have conscripted former A-lister and recipient of the treatment, Pierce Brosnan, to act as spokesman. Said the inebriated former star: "Listen, when it comes down to losing half your bowel or having them pour a quart of your brother-in-law's rank, liquified, shit into your ass you do what you have to do!" Truer words have never been spoken.

Celine Alert...this is not a test!!!

If we can believe the latest news reports Celine Dion is leaving Las Vegas and setting out to reconquer the pop music world with a vengeance. She was sighted as far east as New York city early this morning and diva watchers forecast that she will soon end up over the Atlantic, picking up strength as she moves on to Europe.
The hype machine that has been lying dormant for years as she miraculously gave birth to an actual human child is back in gear and we will have the usual onslaught of TV appearances, books, CD's, magazine articles, ring tones, perfumes and assorted other products. This is an ego that is very hungry so her legions of adoring fans can look forward to vapid talk show patter and more on-stage histrionics including the patented "chest thump" move which she perfected while frequently helping jumpstart her husband René's ailing heart.
Now word has it that she is thinking of portraying iconic soprano Maria Callas on film. Indeed, in a recent interview she spoke openly of Callas as her muse and a kindred spirit. Designer Karl Lagerfeld and his crew actually photographed her made up as Callas for a magazine spread so it appears as though all systems are go for the film to be made. If "La Celine" wants to do it then no ammount of money will be able to stop her. Watch the video above to get a good idea of the sublime artistry of Maria Callas and then link to the following tribute by Dion (WARNING: The last 50 seconds have been declared "a crime against humanity and all that is holy" by the world court at The Hague. Feel free to skip the first 3 and a half minutes) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujrOVo7J1HA

Consider it Done!!!

Maria Callous writes: (in reference to post of Friday Nov. 9th))

I feel I should point out some inaccuracies in your picture:

-Dixxx is seen here without his bass trombone.

-My dad seems to have lost a considerable amount of weight

- Hogisto seems to have found it!

-Mikexxxster doesn't have a hot chick on his arm



This is exactly the kind of feedback that I want and need!! Thank you Maria for the constructive criticism and the kind words that cleverly preceded it. I hope this updated photo
meets with your approval.

Dial 1 for service in French....Dial 9 to destroy us.

Quebec language activists target English in government phone messages

MONTREAL - The English option on automated government telephone menus has become a hot-button issue for some French-language groups in the province.
Language activists are decrying the fact that callers to many Quebec government offices are told to "press nine" for English before instructions are delivered in French.

Famed satirist Jonathan Swift must be smiling from on high. In Gulliver's Travels he imagined a war between the diminutive but very nationalistic Lilliputians and the equally tiny and daft Blefuscudians over interpretation of scripture. In this case whether to break an egg at the large or small end. This seems as noble a cause as WWII when compared with some of the incredibly petty language disputes that go on in the province of Quebec. We've had the Office de la Langue Francais decree that a bagel should be called a beigne juif (Jewish donut!!) and a hamburger a hambourgeois. All immigrants have been channeled into the French school system, 99% of all English signage expunged from public view (including the dreaded apostrophe!!) etc. etc. and now this latest cause celebre.

Yes there were wrongs that had to be righted but there is a fine line between vigilance and idiocy. This phone deal falls into the latter category.

If you call some government offices you are greeted in French and then offered to be served in English by pressing 9. As one patriot on the news said yesterday "this treats the French like 2nd class citizens!!" Honestly now, is the French language in Canada in such great peril that it's worth sinking that low??

As an English Montrealer I've had to live with seeing my stake in this place whittled away to almost nothing despite learning to speak French, marrying a French Canadian woman, voluntarily sending all 3 of my kids to French school, and eating my salads after the main course. No detail is too small to be overlooked by the local nationalist zealots lest in doing so the whole culture should come crashing to the ground. That's why the phone issue is so interesting.

Someone in some government committee had to decide at some point in our history what number should be pressed for service in English.

#1 is a total non-starter...there'd be rioting in the streets.

#2 is a little obvious in its reference to 2nd class citizenhood

#3-8 are too random and would make little if any statement

#9 is an easily defendable, well camouflaged insult that should concievably belittle any Anglophone.

#0 is way too insulting and possibly illegal given the new hate crime legislation.

Seperatists are passionate no doubt but not enough to wage an actual war of independence or place non-Francophones in internment camps. Instead they pracitice passive-agressive disenfranchisement in the hopes of getting enough of us to move so they can win their referendum on nationhood. The phone gambit has been put forth, now they play the waiting game........

Instruments of the Orchestra: The Trombone

The Blob is proud to present the first installment in a series designed to fulfill it's educational and cultural mandate. I've applied for a Canada Council grant and this is one of the key stipulations. (another is that I stop hanging around outside the Governor General's residence....Michaelle why aren't you returning my calls???)

As we all know certain instruments attract certain personality types and the trombone is no different, although trombonists fall within a broader range from "gregarious yet troubled" to "moody yet disturbed". Like all instruments in the brass family sound is produced by blowing air through the buzzing lips pressed against a mouth piece. This airstream races around some coiled tubing and comes out of a bell at the other end with a specific timbre, pitch, and volume. The trombone differs in that it has a sliding mechanism (called a "slide") that is used to alter notes and reach for pencils that have fallen on the floor. Most composers use trombones in their orchestrations as an afterthought so the pencil is an essential piece of equipment for doing crosswords and sudokus while awaiting the next loud tutti section. While the trombone is capable of many nuances it's mostly used in loud passages and the impatient and seldom used trombonist makes sure that even supposedly soft moments cause minor brain damage to the unfortunate violists who sit in front of them.

The trumpet section leads the orchestra with blazing glory, the french horns garner attention with their nobility and brawn, the tuba with it's basso profundo range but what of the poor trombonists. They are left to do some of the orchestral heavy lifting, filling out the sound and providing no small amount of oomph...they are the unheralded longshoremen of the ensemble, thick of forearm and low of brow.

This desperation and lack of recognition often leads to alcohol dependency which in turn leads to even louder playing and eventually death. (and in more serious cases conducting) This downward spiral can only be stopped if we, the public, intervene. Next time you see a trombonist, express interest in their instrument and ask a simple question along the lines of "What kind of mouthpiece do you use?" What follows may not be the most interesting hour and a half you've ever spent but the look of appreciation on the faces of these overlooked souls will make it all worthwhile!

As stated earlier this is the first in a series of posts on orchestral instruments. I've chosen to let the trombone go first as an example of practicing what I preach. Trombones never go first in anything.....except The Blob!!!

It's Beginning to Smell a lot Like....The Same Old Crap

We've just gotten through another Halloween and now head straight towards Chrismukkah with a brief pitstop at Remembrance Day for some serious reflection and gratitude before we become moronic consumers once again. Before I get to the main point of this post I'd just like to say how happy I am that the former Druid harvest festival has become just another excuse for young women to get dressed up as alluring/skanky temptresses. Within 10 years I predict that all Christian and Jewish holidays will go the same route. C'mon Muslim babes.....don't be such party poopers!!!!

Ok...back to the main topic. I'm writing this blog in Quebec, the last bastion of the French language in North America and the area with the most insecure populace on the continent (with the exception of those Mexicans who live at the base of active volcanos). Every few years some seperatist leaning politician or pundit decides to ratchet up the rhetoric and stoke the fears for their own personal gain. We are currently undergoing a resurgence of this type of behaviour with a travelling road show of a commission about "Reasonable Accomodation" for immigrants (read: orthodox Muslims and Jews and BTW doesn't that turn of phrase sound more like something you'd find on a cheap motel sign?) that is basically a soapbox for xenophobes and is only serving to stir up shit. Ever ready to pile on when the time is right, Pauline Marois, the smug and annoying leader of the indepence minded Parti Quebecois, has proposed among other things, that new immigrants learn to speak French before they can vote! Who cares if this is illegal, the point is to throw some jingoistic tinder on the ever smouldering embers of fear-based nationalism. Now we have news reports that the state of the French language among students is of a dismal quality....the state of everyone's language is of a dismal quality...join the club!!!

With this perennial language and cultural tension as the backdrop Remembrance Day approaches and with it the annual sale of poppy lapel pins to raise money for our veterans (of all races and mother tongues) and to offer a public display of the deepest gratitude to these men and women who among other things, saved the world from the nazis through their great sacrifice and heroism.

There is pressure on the French of Quebec to assert their difference from the ROC (rest of Canada) and they often go to great and sometimes ludicrous lengths to assert their distinct society status. Turn on any newscast or talk show and the obvious disparity is plain to see; virtually all the English talking heads are sporting poppies while maybe only 5% (that's being charitable) of their French counterparts are. Yes there was a Quebec conscription crisis before WW1 and another lesser one during WW2 (whipped up by an aging xenophobe and present day national hero, Henri Bourassa) but many Quebecers fought valiantly and proudly. To dishonour them by taking such a petty and misplaced stand is almost criminal and definitely idiotic.

Tomorrow I'm going to find me a shriveled old veteran, hand him a crisp 20 and drive him to the nearest French language TV station where we will donate a whole box of poppies to their on-air staff...anybody want in??

Reassurance from Washington: "Just business as usual in Pakistan"

It's hard to believe but we're already closing in on the 30th anniversary of the Iranian revolution. Remember how the population held mass protests against a US backed dictator until the whole government collapsed and morphed into a despotic and dangerous theocracy?

That misguided and self-serving behaviour has become the cornerstone of US foreign policy and Washington is every bit as addicted to it as these Pakistani lawyers are to their morning cup of coffee. They went after Saddam when he outlived his usefullness, they removed Noriega from the CIA payroll then got rid of him too, there's the aforementioned Shah of Iran and the list goes on.

They relied on Gen. Pervez "coup-coup" Musharif to aide in their ill conceived war on terror and we all may soon be paying a heavy price. Those opposition members who have not yet been jailed have gone into hiding and rumor has it that Benazir Bhutto has fled the country and is being replaced by a Nana Mouskouri impersonator. By now we all know that the north of the country, Waziristan or something, is the anarchic launching pad for many Al Qaida and Taliban attacks. Let's sit back and see if the country disintegrates into a radical, terrorist friendly,west hating, Islamist theocracy that unlike Iran, already has the bomb!!

If the present Pakistani regime somehow manages to hold on to power will they not emerge from the struggle emboldened and resume the sabre rattling with India over the disputed province of Kashmir? (something to do with tapestries or sweaters I believe).

If any of you have been planning on seeing the Taj Mahal I suggest you book your flights now because the entire region may be a Planet of the Apes style radioactive forbidden zone within a year and a half. This was something I had to get off my chest...the hubris of this American administration and others that preceded it never ceases to amaze me...I'll try to get back to more familiar Blob staples such as tits and trombones ASAP.

It's Official...God Exists!!!

As you all know, The Blob is usually a clearing house for all sorts of useless information, occasionally an advice blog, and on those most rare of instances* a personal web diary (*i.e. an important pie baking contest, my ex mistakenly sending my strapping 15 yr. old son to a winter-break teen activity camp for retarded and handicapped kids). Blogs as public diaries are almost always an exercise in narcissism and boredom which is why I only take The Blob in this direction with a great amount of forethought. Anyways, here it is....true story:

Yesterday I did the 3rd of 6 shows at a medium sized theater in Laval. It's a French comic operetta with a rather talented cast and a small pit orchestra. Earlier in the week I decided to bring my cell phone into the pit as a timer to make sure we weren't getting stiffed on breaks, rehearsal duration etc. I never do this for obvious reasons and have been rather consistent about this rule during the thousands of gigs that I've done over many years. On this occasion I put the phone on vibrate mode during the dress rehearsal and actually received a call which was completely inaudible...I figured "what the hell" and kept on bringing it into the pit for the shows.

I'm using my old cell phone these days (my other one was stolen) and I forgot that when I get a message the phone plays a little 5 second song at full volume no matter what setting I have it on so sure it enough it goes off for the 1st time in my life right during the 1st act. Of course the orchestra wasn't playing at this time and there was only one dimly lit actor addressing the audience at center stage. I was mortified and then completely stunned when I realized what had just happened: at that point in the play the actor, according to script, hears a cell phone and chastizes the audience for not heeding the pre-show announcement. He then sheepishly realizes it's his own phone, reaches for it on his belt, and has a conversation with the supposed caller. My phone rang exactly on the scripted cell phone cue and for the proper duration!!!!

No one in the crowd noticed a thing but the actor and everyone in the pit were baffled. At the intermission I announced to the my colleagues that it was me, it was an accident (and not a practical joke), and that I now believed in God.

post script: I've since reconsidered the whole belief in God thing but my opinion will shift again this Wednesday when I win 35 million in the lottery.

Breaking the God/Brain Barrier

DIXXX writes:

Dear Blob,

Have you ever heard of the God Helmet?

If you're referring to Dr. Michael Persinger's apparatus then yes I have (and thanks for asking by the way.) Experiments using this controversial device seem to indicate that certain areas of the brain, when stimulated with weak magnetic fields, can produce feelings of being visited by a "presence", either God or dead relative like. The topic is fascinating and easily researched on the web.

I agree with you Dixxx that it would be fun to have one of these gizmos at home but the cost is prohibitive. There are other ways of finding religious ecstasy. Some Haitians use voodoo drums and dance, some Catholics use guilt and self -flaggelation and some of my people, the Hassids to be precise, use a ridiculous over-structured lifestyle coupled with frenzied bouts of drinking (weddings, bar mitzvahs, and the holiday Purim). On these occasions they let go and party like it's 1929 then quickly revert to worrying whether their asparagus florets have been washed in vinegar to kill any tiny mites that may lurk therein. (wouldn't be kosher!!)

While Christians claim to have already had one messianic visitation Jews are still waiting. The old testament says we'll return to the Holy Land after the messiah (moshiach in Hebrew) shows up which is why Hassidim don't recognize Israel as a viable state. For these devout zealots the wait can get long and the entrepreneurial among them have come up with some clever solutions for inducing religious euphoria. Here's one that may interest you:

A Blob Editorial: Treat or Trick??

Another government budget, another few bucks tossed our way. I suppose we should be grateful....the way your dog would be after he pulled you out of your burning house and you gave him a milkbone. I can hear the pols in the back rooms of parliament; "Most people don't really care about Afghanistan or global warming...just throw them a few bucks and quicker than you can say majority government we'll have a lock on this place!!"

This semi-annual exercise in fiscal cynicism is little more than a carnie scam where we cheer the good news at getting a percentage point here and another half there only to have it clawed back during the year with a new (and environmentally friendly) green tax and the "one-time-only" emergency infrastructure/healthcare/Bombardier bailout surtax.

If, despite this scenario, we do manage to come out ahead this extra money usually goes to pay back debts or do some long delayed home repairs which leaves us more or less right back where we started.

My hat goes off to those disciplined and lucky enough to be able to put some money aside. the vast majority of North Americans, no matter what the tax bracket, have become addicted to spending more than they have.

I'm no economist but I'd like to propose what I call The Blob Theory of Napkin-based Fiscal Responsibility. Allow me to explain:

It occurred to me one day as I sat alone finishing up lunch at a local restaurant that my table was quite a mess. Each table had it's own napkin dispenser and mine was now half depleted with the rest scattered on and around my empty plate. Another nearby restaurant that I frequented would only give you one somewhat larger napkin and getting another was often more trouble than it was worth, especially at the lunchtime rush.

In the "dispenser" type eatery I felt no qualms about using one after another...after all I did have an almost limitless supply. With the one napkin I was much more frugal; using it less often, unfolding it in search of clean areas, and even reusing certain spots that weren't too befouled with gravy. The meal tasted every bit as good and my hands and face were just as clean even with the paltry resources. "This must be how smart people approach money!" I thought. "Even when they have a surplus they act as though there's a shortage."

Thanks to the lowly napkin I figured out how to successfully manage my finances and one day when I have some cash I intend to put this theory to the test!!

An Important BLOB Message to Young Women Everywhere: Stop Bitching!!!

Earlier this week a young female contributor posted a rallying cry in my comment section trying to stir other women readers of The Blob to rise up against some perceived menstruation-related slander and the so called laughing boy mentality. Days later, the silence is still deafening, no hate mail in retribution, no burning sac of bloody tampons on my doorstep and no mystery as to the apathetic response. What today's younger generation of women may fail to understand is that the war of the sexes is over. Sure there's still the occasional skirmish but the major battles were fought by your mothers and aunts in the days when just wanting to be addressed as Ms. instead of Miss or Mrs. created a storm of controversy. You've come a long way baby (to quote an old cigarette commercial). Just look at a snippet from an article in this week's news:

When Discovery arrived at its destination, Commander Pamela Melroy was welcomed aboard by Peggy Whitson, Ph.D., the first woman to ever lead the International Space Station. This female tour de force in the male dominated field of test pilots and astronauts sends an unmistakable message to young women that ''girls are good at math,'' and ''girls can do anything.''




So there you have it....women (with the exception of the approx. 90% who hail from the so-called backwards nations) have never had it so good!

Author David Jerome of the fabulous "Turd Stuffington" series of adventure books for boys agrees wholeheartedly: "I was part of the space program, briefly, in the late 60's and this of course was my inspiration for the Stuffington books. To say that it was an all boys club back then is putting it mildly...they might as well have tacked some crude no girls allowed sign to the front door!" chortled the trim scribe. "It was a macho atmosphere for sure but not without it's fair share of well closeted gay men, or so the rumor has it. Aparrently Buzz Aldrin got his nickname from the vibrator-like sound you'd hear whenever he was in the flight simulator with Eugene Grissom. The boys started calling it the flight stimulator" chuckled the mustachioed raconteur. "I mean...there were a whole lot of type A men in close quarters for days or weeks at a time. Some days it got to be a real snake pit or should I say cockpit!!" guffawed the well tailored wordsmith.

It almost goes without saying that women have made huge advances since those days. Men and women who slugged it out back in the day still carry the scars and are by and large too weary to be moved by any overzealous call to arms. Girls today should focus instead on the basics: finding a good job, a good man, having kids eventually, keeping the job, and travelling a bit. The 60's were tough, fun, and heady times but none of us want to go back there.

One more thing; in lieu of payment for his interview I agreed to place an ad spotlighting David Jerome's latest book. I also went off topic in light of JK Rowling's outing of her Dumbledore character and asked about Turd Stuffington's sexuality. Jerome was forthright and confirmed my suspicions....Stuffington is as straight as they come (phewww!!)

A mining expedition on Anulus 5 has gone horribly wrong killing hundreds. A toxic slime has seemingly infected the main shaft and all the artificial probes have mysteriously malfunctioned. Now Turd and his crew must probe the shaft themselves. Will they survive???

The Land of the Fat

Who's the fattest of them all? We are
63 nations studied. Survey excluded our hefty U.S. neighbours
TOM SPEARS,

CanWest News ServicePublished: Tuesday, October 23
Canadian adults, both men and women, are the most obese in a survey of 63 nations that raises new health warnings for our country.



That this survey didn't include the U.S. of A should immediately set off the alarms (No, that sound doesn't mean the fries are ready) and make even the least sceptical among us question its accuracy. The article quoted above does go on to say that the actual Canadian obesity rate is around 22% (compared to the survey's 36%) and the U.S. rate is 33%. Both are alarmingly high but at least we have a few belt notches to go before we catch up to our portly neighbours to the South.

For those of us trying to lose a few pounds and bring down the national average the mixed message gauntlet is both bewildering and daunting. Never before have we been so well informed about the ill effects of overeating nor has it ever been easier to pig out. Add to this dichotomy the relentless bombardment of ads, the 100s of millions of dollars spent by major corporations to convince us that their concoctions of small amounts of protein smothered in salt, fat, sugar, and processed flour are good for us and it's no wonder we're in this mess.

All fast food restaurants serve salads now but hardly anyone actually buys them. I think corporate psychologists have determined that corpulent consumers feel better just knowing a salad is available as they wolf down their Big Mac or Triple Bypass Bacon Burger....the very same motivation that as kids led us to bring our homework on the family vacation only to leave the books unopened. We are being studied, focus grouped, and manipulated to death. The junk food industry is thrilled but so is the diet and health industry who reap the benefits as well. Yo-yo dieting is the best thing that ever happened to all of them so what are we to do in the face of these forces?

Here at The Blob I espouse moderation and balance. For every gluttonous, cheesecake clogged soirée there must some sort of healthful follow up, ideally the very next day (a light salad and some spirited wrestling perhaps) and if you don't yet have to buy your clothes at a special store you're doing OK. If you are on the fat side and want to shed a few pounds you'll need motivation which means you have to be in a positive frame of mind which means you have to feel better than somebody else....this is where the fat celebrities come in!! Find one who's way fatter than you and allow yourself to bask in the idea that despite their massive wealth and fame they would kill to get down to your weight! Get on that stationary bike....Kirstie Alley just had another donut, she's out of control but you're not!! "Oprah can't keep it together...poor, poor, Oprah... time for your walk!!"

There are literally tons of overweight stars but if you want an easy reference guide check out this magazine. Forget Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slimfast etc. Just pick a fat star and let the motivational boost help get you back into fighting trim.

An Autumn's Outing

tbone mikester said...
Dear Blobele-I had the misfortune to play for "The Velvet Fag" (pardon my French, but he was as queer as a three dollar bill, in spite of your memories-just ask his then oh-so-beautiful jolly-roger of a drummer) at the Montreal Jazz Festival. He was the most loathsome human being I have ever played for. A beautiful voice and musical talent do not give anyone the right to behave like an unbridled arrogant asshole. Even a minimal amount of artistic ability should make a person a better human being-to be able to create beauty (a very rare gift) should (hopefully) make anyone a more thoughtful, more perceptive person. The preening, egotistical, sneering, snarling shit-head masquerading as a sensitive artist on that day was an embarassment to musicians everywhere. To end on a happier note; he is dead!!!

I recieved this post from Mikexxxster on the last glorious, warm day of what they now call Indigenous peoples of North America summer and boy was I thrown for a loop.

Wow...Mel Tormé gay and a complete asshole to boot (and he's dead you say!!??!!), I guess I've had my head in the sand. What next? Are you going to tell me that J.K. Rowling outed one of her main characters? (lol)....She did WHAT ????? One sec, I'll be right back............. (cue sounds of frenzied google fact search)

OK, sorry about that. It's unbelievable but true, JK Rowling admitted this week that Albus Dumbledore is gay and I suppose all the signs were there. He was after all "head"master (helllooo) and at a school seemingly named after an anal sex related STD ("hawg warts"?....heLLLOOOOOO) but most importantly he was the top wizard and like most literary and screen wizards before him had many of the trappings of a stereotypical gay man. From the Wizard of Oz to Uncle Arthur of Bewitched we've seen it all before; the confirmed bachelor, always impeccably groomed, the all powerful wand as a rather obvious phallic symbol, and a personal life that is all but absent from the narrative. Santa Claus has his Mrs. Claus, Fred Flintstone his Wilma but do we ever get to see the better half of Merlin or Gandalf?? Kind of makes you think.

This all smacks of one of the most cynical cash grabs in literary history.

With the Potter series over Rowling knows that the largely childless gay population never really turned up in droves to buy what were essentially her children's books. By rebranding one of her main characters as gay after the fact she avoids the sales losses that could have come from a Christian right backlash (they tried with the anti-witchcraft campaign but that never really caught fire) and she gets to tap into a new niche. What can we look forward to now? Sirius Black was actually Black? Hagrid an orthodox Jew?? Throngs of interested new readers will buy the books looking for the hidden clues that validate these assertions. She's a clever woman that JK and her campaign to be "richer than Oprah by 2010!!" looks to be well under way.

Remembering the Swingin' 60's (objects in rear-view mirror may appear hipper than they actually were)

marty paich said...
Blob,

I'm feeling a little low - been this way since Mel passed - I don't even know if I can still call the Dek-tette a dek-tette without Mel......

(Ed. Note: Marty Paich was a legendary pianist/arranger/composer/conductor who, along with Mel Tormé and the Dek-Tette, helped set the lounge music world afire and were 2nd in hipness only to the even more legendary Rat Pack who's last remaining member, Joey Bishop died earlier this week)

Marty it's great to hear from you and sort of a shocker as well because honestly, I thought you were dead. If you'd gone into hiding and had your people send out a false press release I'd certainly understand what with the court ordered castration but seriously, from what I remember of you in the steam room at Caesar's it was no great loss. Like I used to tell the guys; "Marty's balls were the only thing about him that didn't swing!!"

Anyways, your letter certainly brings back a lot of great memories. How many nights did we hit the 3rd set out of the park and then close the bar at the Monte Carlo room (I'm still waiting for you to spring for a round of martinis, you cheap bastard!) and the time trumpeter Jackie Sheldon spiked your PuPu platter with ex-lax at KonTiki's Polynesian...we all laughed so hard, well let's just say you weren't the only one who crapped your pants that night! And dear old Mel, what a lady killer eh?.....if that guy's dick was an inch less than a foot then I'm the f***ing queen of England. (Remember when I got dressed up as the queen of England and convinced the staff at the Aladdin to comp me the presidential suite for 2 nights...you were my man servant and the 3 hookers were ladies in waiting or something. What a lark!!)

BTW Marty, we all miss Mel. What a talent, what a singer, what a musician!! Lot's of people loved him but few knew his dedication to charitable causes and in particular the World Wildlife Fund. Because of this (and also because of the uncanny resemblance) a recently discovered frog species was named after him posthumously.

Thanks again for keeping in touch and for letting me hang with you guys back in the day. It was heady stuff for an impressionable 10 year old boy and most of the time I didn't understand what you guys were saying or doing but I knew it was important and that one day I'd be the better for it.......I could've sworn you were dead.....

Another World Menopause Day has Come and Gone

I don't know how I let this slip by but Oct. 18th was World Menopause Day. I was alerted to this when I happened upon The View during a furious bout of channel surfing. It seems as though one of the hosts, Joy Behar, is this years celebrity spokeswoman and as such the lucky audience members all got free moisture wicking pyjamas (I kid you not!)

This new product actually dates back to the 60's when NASA was looking for a solution to the heat and perspiration generated by the cumbersome flight suits. This is just another example of how the space program benefits us all.....but back to menopause.

They say that in another 20 or so years there will be more than 1 billion women over the age of 50. The health issues that result from this change of life are important and the time for dialogue is now. While this clearly is a woman's problem in reality there is no such thing. The irritability and loss of libido associated with the ovaries shutting off hormone production (estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, provolone etc.) affect men significantly just as second hand smoke can kill non-smokers! Next year I promise to give all my readers a "heads up" as the big day approaches so we can all find a woman in passage and rub her with ice packs while we tell her how beautiful and vital she is. You may even want to buy her some special pj's.

It's Comeback Time

Everybody loves a good comeback, (and no, I don't mean the witty retort or insult...you argument for euthanasia!!) the riches to rags and back to riches again story that we just can't seem to get enough of. We wilfully participate in tearing down successful celebrities and leaders and then root for them to make it through rehab, jail, community service/admit their true sexual preference/find the Lord and get back to whatever it was that they used to do, ideally to succeed wildly only to hopefully fail again.

Sure this is one of the more pathetic aspects of human nature but I have to admit that I enjoy, for instance, the Oprah "Rollercoaster of Fat" as much as the next guy. I'll begrudge her the billions of dollars and applaud when she wheels out the symbolic wagon of fat to celebrate her weight loss but what I'm really waiting for is the inevitable failure (the latest is being blamed on a thyroid condition.)

I had the great misfortune of watching Britney Spears lastest video; Gimme More (which I believe is in reference to pork rinds) and I'm astounded that it's way up there in the N. American pop charts. It's shot in grainy, grimy black and white and she plays a low class stripper. There's no tune, stupid lyrics, some obligatory rapper...even the lowest common denominator crowd out there should object but no....we want a comeback!

And how about Benazir Bhutto?? Was that a triumphant comeback or what?? Throngs of well wishers and supporters, a spectacular Al Qaeda suicide bombing (the radical Islamic world's answer to the 21 gun salute) all there to herald the return of the once and future leader. From the squalid slums of Lahore to the squalid slums of Karachi the celebration/mourning continues while in the USA voters still gnash their teeth wondering whether they are ready for a woman president. Pakistan is an Islamic state with a sizeable population of radicals. It has nuclear bombs and along with Israel is the most likely place for the end of the world to begin and they're already on round three!!

The more I think about it the more I understand the "comeback" rationale. We all want to believe in the possibility of redemption and enjoy playing God, casting people out of the garden then letting them back in. We probably do this for the karma value hoping for similar treatment when we f**k up. I guess this judging/forgiving attitude is part of being human but with your help we can keep The Blob a judgement free (with the exception of some of my more verbose contributors) zone for years to come!

Today's Word of the Day: PESSARY

dixxx said...
Dear Blob,

Did you know that the first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.?

Leave it to Dixxx, our very own "Crocodile Dung D" to come up with this gem and talk about your crazy coincidences. I just happen to have a small tub of croc dung sitting in my freezer. I procured it at the zoo and used half of it last summer as a poultice for my bursitis (BTW it didn't work...don't believe everything you read on the internet!) . Being a bit of a pack rat I couldn't part with the rest.

The idea of using excrement as a contraceptive intrigued me so late last night I attempted to fashion a condom out of the stuff and failed miserably. Try as I might I just couldn't get the damn thing to stay on or even hold together. Just the slightest twitch sent clumps of it breaking off so after about 5 attempts I said to myself "It's time to pack it in". That was the eureka moment I'd been waiting for!! Of course you couldn't use crocodile shit as a condom, it must have been used as a pessary or vaginal suppository!

Just think about it, 4,000 years ago, the hot Egyptian sun, no pasteurization....as bad as processed croc crap smells today it must have been positively rank back in the day. A small amount of dung, strategically inserted would have dispelled any procreative notions from even the horniest soldier back in town on leave, especially with all the comparitively fragrant camels and goats roaming around.

We may be living in a high tech, fast paced world but we still can learn a thing or two from our distant ancestors.

A Return to my Roots

I never go to synagogue unless invited to work or attend a bar mitzvah and even then there must be a spread afterwards or even better, a cheque. I'm not proud of this nor am I contrite but like other lapsed Jews there is always a smidgen of guilt lurking just below the surface (with each rasher of bacon I stab a dagger right through my Grandmother's heart!!)

The Blob affords me the opportunity for some free self-administered therapy so away I go!!

There are wonderful Jews and annoying Jews, great looking Jews and others who should consider a strategically placed prayer shawl, talented,creative, funny,artistic Jews and a handful of boring nebbishes. (like my Dad's accountant Milton Speiderman...and even he had a movie made in Tel Aviv based on his heroic efforts to balance the books for the NYC head office of Bank Leumi after an embezzlement scandal threatened to scuttle the whole operation.)

The Judaic culture (holidays, meals, comedians) is great but I can do without the religious aspects. If I wanted every little moment of my day spelled out by someone else's arbitrary rules I'd have re-married long ago!!

The food (Oy the food!!) while in no way high end is still delicious and filling. A bite of a smoked meat sandwich or a toothsome knish never fails to satisfy and take me back, at least for a moment, to the old country.

The legions of the self righteous will surely protest: "Judaism (nor any other religion except for Buffeterianism) is not a buffet! You can't pick and choose the elements that appeal to you and forsake the others." and yet this is exactly what many of us do. If it turns out that we're all wrong I guess we'll all be meeting down below one day...I hear they serve a wicked matzoh ball soup!!

The Wedding That Was...A Look Back

As mentioned a couple of days ago, Dixxx (a habitual contributor) finally got married to the radiant Tesssa (his habitual cohabitator). The very nature of a blob-type object is it's ability to shape shift with ease and as such The Blob today becomes something like the social page of your local newspaper.

Despite the gray, cold October day the mood inside the chapel was festive and warm. Good taste and simplicity were the order of the day with Dixxx providing the latter leaving the good taste to be taken care of by others.

The Unitarian ceremony was both moving and inclusive of all faiths. A Torah hung on the wall artfully encased in glass and a pentagram was displayed handsomely not far from the alter. The handful of children in attendance were well behaved but I did detect a few muffled cries during the bloodletting of the goat (a time honoured Bantu tradition). Music was provided by an outstanding brass quintet who hit the only sour note of the entire day by failing to include a euphonium in any of their arrangements. This is not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but when one considers that it was Dixxx's euph sound that first attracted Tesssa to him, as she puts it: "Like a turkey vulture to a rotting marmot in August!" well...let's just say it would have been appropriate.

The reception, held in a refurbished old theater, was the perfect blend of good speechifying, delicious food and drink, and hot babes doing the Macarena. It also afforded me the opportunity to continue researching my next book; Short Like Me. In the grand tradition of John Howard Griffin (Black Like Me) and Tyra Banks; http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=1280787 I managed, through a series of easily reversable surgical procedures, hormone treatments, and several well placed mirrors to appear to be well below 5 feet tall despite my usually robust 5'9".

On this particular occasion I set my sights on a reasonable cross section of the female population with the unwitting participants running the gamut from blonde to brunette, 21 to 46, and coming from different socio-cultural and geographic backrounds. On this special evening and despite my diminutive stature it's readily apparent from even a quick look at the picture that I could have scored with any of them. Only my high standards of journalistic integrity kept me from following through. Sometimes ethical professionalism can be such a buzz kill!! At any rate the wedding was fabulous, the research gruelling yet rewarding and the book should be out in time to stuff those Chrismukkah stockings/support hose ("Oy...again with the phlebitis!!")

p.s. Dixxx the wedding is over, you finally got to do it with Tesssa, now get back here dammit!!!

The Blob Saturday Morning "Barrel 'O' Monkeys"

Hi Kids, Slimy the Slime Mold here to guide you through The Blob's very 1st Saturday morning activity page for all of you out there who are afflicted with ADD.

The Blob is normally for consenting and immature adults so please don't look at the other posts. Hey...just to be on the safe side make sure your parents aren't around. OK???...great then...let's get this party started!!

CRAFT TIME

Everybody go get your crayons and 3 sheets of construction paper but first let's take a look in Dad's tool box...what's that cool noise?? Is Mr. Leamington using his new riding mower? Go take a look but come right back!! Terrific!!

SHORT STORY CORNER - Meet the Smugs

Cindy and Daniel Smug lived in a perfect little house with two perfect little children named Sam and Samantha. One day their cousin came to live with them but just for the summer. He had a note attached to his suitcase and it said: "My name is Riley Wiley and I'm going to live with the Smugs because my Grandma is sick and can't take good care of me anymore. The people at social services said that maybe she'll be better if she rests this summer because Grandma says I'm a handful."

Anyways, Riley at first caused a lot of problems because he was a handful and the Smugs were mad until they realized that he had ADD and got him on ritalin and learned to accept him for his good qualities and everybody learned something and his Grandma got better and she and Riley made Thanksgiving dinner for everybody.

THE END

CARTOON CENTRAL

Everybody loves cartoons, especially really short, action-packed ones that don't have complicated stories. Watch 'em one at a time then go do a few other things, come back a minute or so later and watch another one!! What could be better??? click here for your cartoons: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJYxCSXjhLI

Sorry about that kids...those really sucked didn't they. I suppose I should have checked but I was making lunch while doing a sudoku and texting a couple friends. Maybe you'll like this one more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=575T2V5VJkc&mode=related&search=

Ok, so that one sucked too. Maybe you should all go play outside or something. This is Slimy saying "you're all special, almost all of you!!"

The Social Event of the Season!!

The Blob has been around for almost one and a half years now and has built up a healthy core of around 4 to 6 regular contributors. I'd like to think of these devotees as the life blood of my blog but let's face it...I am. They are however an essential component of what goes on here so I'll graciously concede that they are the very saliva of my blog, welling up and issuing forth with each tasty morsel that I offer.

Although he has been absent of late Dixxx was one of the earliest and most frequent scribes to artfully grace the comment section. I'd like to think that he hasn't abandoned The Blob but has merely been preoccupied for tomorrow, at long last, are the much anticipated Dixxx nuptials. Yes, Dixxx will be marrying Tesssa and I couldn't be more thrilled for the 2 of them.

Here they are in Brazil where Dixxx insisted he looks better without sunglasses and....Jesus H. Christ guys will you get your eyes off the chick in the tight yellow shirt??!!?? (what a bunch of pigs!!)

Let's try that again....

Congratulations and best wishes from The Blob and remember; just because you'll be married doesn't mean you have to stop participating in this blog. Many couples have incorporated The Blob into their pre-sex ritual as an aperitif (and you can trust me on this one). Just a couple of lines from a Turd Stuffington post read aloud to my GF almost always leads to some frolicking in the boudoir. Best of luck to you Dixxx and to Tesssa, the lovely bride-to-be!!

"From Lennoxville to Cowansville is 15 miles" -Tales of a Traveling Musician

Those of you with a good map will realize that the title of this post is off by a good distance. It's merely my take on the famous Alan Squire poem "From Wilverton to Wolverton (is 15 miles)". Squire was a traveling poet (a brief vignette of the master appears above) who's style of free association back in the 1940's paved the way for Ginsburg, Ferlinghetti, and myself. I too will be traveling the next couple of days to points east not to spread the written word but rather to introduce a whole new generation of teenagers to the wonders of the orchestra. 7 school concerts in 2 and a half days is a nice chunk of work and it's importance can't be overrated. Industry analysts contend that providing a positive orchestral experience for today's youth pays big dividends for all concerned. Not in the much cherished potential for a new audience (let's get serious here...this is probably the only live orchestra they'll ever see!) but in a general spirit of good will. The kids get to miss one or two classes and in return one day we musicians may get spared a beating by roving gang members simply by flashing an oboe or any other of the so called "gay" instruments.
While I enjoy the romance of the troubador lifestyle it does mean that I won't be able to Blob for at least a couple of days. This trip is following closely on the heels of Thanksgiving which itself followed Succoth. "What" you may ask "is a succoth??" and who could blame you. Succoth is the Jewish harvest festival which commemorates the annual pilgrimage to the holy temple in Jerusalem where all Jews were obliged to tithe with a percentage of their bounteous harvest and partake heartily in the feast as well.
"...and though shalt remove from thy grainery a portion and carry it thereof, along with all manner of beast and fowl and make thee a route to Yerushalaim and giveth thee of thy harvest. Shouldst the journey be of length then build thee a Succah of lintelwood for shelter and bed thee therein and admonish not thy neighbour should he overindulge and gorge himself in my bounty for I am the lord God and I say unto thee; Let he who is without chins throw the first scone." Eccl. 4:15
Bottom line; a lot of cooking and eating has gone on in the past few days and precious little blogging. Seeing as I'll be out of commission for a while here are a couple of clips to help you pass the time. 1st up is Art Metrano who back in my youth had an entire generation copying his act http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-SNrvHdZJE followed by Brother Theodore, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9OXF3REb7U a curmudgeon who makes noted misanthrope Mikexxxster look like the blessed St. Barnabas himself! A little Norwegian history finishes off the triptych; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ&mode=related&search= See you soon.

Naughty Maria

Blobby, you filthy smut-peddler. I didn't know you could be such a sell-out! Did my story teach you nothing? You must not give your readers, faithful as they are, everything that they ask for. BHB! ....... have you got any priest-on-priest videos?

I addressed Maria's concerns in the comment section and mentioned the unfortunate absence of gay priest videos on the net. I did manage to find a little something that she may find suitable. Maria, a psychologist friend of mine says that women who fantasize about gay priests tend to be a tad cautious about men as GP's are the safest, most non-threatening guys ever!! Any thoughts? comments?

BTW, WTF does BHB mean??

The Road to the Stanley Cup - Hockey's Holy Grail

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When Nuns Go Bad

Italian Archbishop Closes Convent After Nuns Come to Blows

Sep 30 02:53 PM US/Eastern

A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows, press reports said Sunday.
Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior's authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now.

This story is appealing on many levels: the irony,the power struggle, the cat fighting by sexually repressed women but it came as no surprise to those familiar with the goings on at the now infamous convent. My sources in Bari tell me that rumors of debauchery have been swirling for years with tales of drinking, smoking, gambling on dog fights and even the creation of a paramilitary wing by the paranoid Mother superior.

Locals have pleaded with Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri to keep the convent open. "Not much happens in Bari" said greengrocer Alvaro Vizzutti, "the nuns and their lewd ways give us something to talk about and they're good for business. Just last week Sister Antonia came in and ordered 120 bananas. I told her it's actually cheaper to order 144 and she says ``I guess we can always eat the other 24`` It doesn't get any better than that!!"

Alvaro also mentioned that he made 1000 lira at the weekly dog fight that the sisters operate. "They are very crafty" said constable Giuseppe Pandolfo, "The cat fights are one thing but these dog fights are always staged as a kind of parable, good vs. evil, the eternal struggle for our souls. Yes, there is gambling but the money is used for good which is not unlike the game of bingo in American churches, no?"

There is already talk that the World Wrestling Federation

has offered the sisters a contract but at press time this is yet to be confirmed. Reports from Hollywood suggest that the heady mix of religion and violence is the next potential project for well known Cathoholic Mel Gibson. Should he win an oscar it would be a magnificent tale of redemption after a dismal fall from grace. Jerry Bruckheimer is said to be interested in acquiring the rights.