Feifle.....Feifle who need feifle....are the luckiest feifle etc.

Tterbfan writes:

Blob -Gotta take you to task on your spelling of "Feifle".

[the "f"s seem too sharp for the sound you want there. Ideally, you'd want to mix a "w"s with each of those "f"s, though I guess that might be hard to indicate]

I'll keep thinking about this and you do too.



I couldn't agree with you more Tterbfan. I had such a problem with this that I almost canned the post and was hoping for a comment such as yours so I could go ahead and show any and all who cared my proposed solution. (a solution that has nothing to do with the letter W by the way, what could you have been thinking???).

Sparing no expense I decided to consult famed Hollywood speech and dialect coach Dr. Zbignievhw Krzynzjkzha who was willing to spend a few moments to help me prepare the following on line tutorial (all this at significant expense mind you). Besides his exorbitant hourly rate I'm also required to tout his upcoming memoir but if it helps my readers to better understand the correct pronounciation of Feifle than so be it. This is no time to be counting nickels!!



The Blob On-line Pronounciation Guide to the Word Feifle

On the surface nothing could seem simpler than pronouncing the word Feifle, but not so fast....looks can be deceiving! In order to achieve the proper faux New England/rustic accent care must be taken to follow the following steps carefully (ed. note: you may want to tighten up that last bit).

1. A general nasal and slightly whiny tone must be adopted (Think Dana Carvey doing George Bush Sr.)


2. The F 's must be breathy and well aspirated with the upper teeth barely touching the bottom lip


3. The EI is a dipthong (actually a diphthong) which reminds me this is Thursday...time to soak down my underpants .....and should be pronounced awe-eye trying as best possible to join the two making a one syllable vowel sound


4. The L is barely voiced or to use the musical parlance ghosted. The back of the tongue is pressed up against the palate to produce something of a glottal stop


5. Assume the attitude of a 65-70 year old Maine outdoorsman who after a long day of lobster fishing likes nothing more than sitting around the wood stove spinnin' yarns over a few Sam Adams.

I think this may just work and the humorous impact of the last post will become readily apparent. Good luck and again, special thanks to Dr. Zbig. I just got a hold of his book ad a couple of minutes ago. Frankly I was expecting something more scholarly but a deal's a deal....here it is:

Trash Talk

I can't help it. I guess I need the pain to feel alive but I found myself watching 2 minutes of a show called TMZ last night. TMZ is the celebrity stalker/gossip website best known for out-papparazzi-ing the papparazzi (and may God protect me from ever having to type a sentence like that again!!) Now they have their own TV show that is so overly smug, bitchy, ironic, and sophomoronic that I cringe just thinking about it.

How have millions of people been manipulated into making celebrity worship into a multi-billion dollar industry? When I was growing up there was The National Enquirer and later People magazine which along with TV's Entertainment Tonight should be blamed for this mess more than anyone else. Now it's reached the point when I can only feel impending doom when a breathy fake-boobed reportrix gushes on about Sir Paul being seen with Rosanna Arquette or Jennifer Aniston taking her two dogs in the car as she left Malibu during the big brushfire (which spared her house BTW...phew!!!!). Have people's lives become so meaningless or depressing that this is the desired escape route? Maybe I should just turn my house into a plant filled oasis, throw away my television, and venture out of doors only to work or for the occasional social activity (on my terms of course!).

I think that along with those campaigns for Non-shopping days somebody should also try to institute an Ignore Celebrities Day. These people are attention pigs who have developed a strange type of symbiotic relationship with the parasitic gossip industry. Now I hear that People Magazine is going regional with dozens of new North American franchises specifically tailored to geographical niche markets. I suppose Quebec's will be called Peuple, New Mexico's La Gente etc. Here's one I dug up targeted towards the New England market. Obscure yes but I'm sure it'll fly off the racks.

But is it Kosher??

While I don't keep a kosher home I try not to judge those who do and often attempt to give a historically based explanation of these arcane dietary laws to my baffled yet gentile friends.

Recently though I decided to delve a little more deeply into this issue and discovered an industry based on incredibly stringent attention to minutiae that would exasperate even the most anal and pedantic among us.

Follow this link and click on "Kosher Video" for an interesting bit of propaganda: http://www.oukosher.org/index.php/professional/videos

Here's an example from Montreal's Kosher inspection service, Vaad Ha'ir on cabbage:

Cabbage -

Cabbage may be prepared in any of the following ways: The heads of cabbage must be placed in the freezer and frozen for 48 hours. Thereafter the cabbage is to be defrosted after which each leaf must be washed under strong running water, ensuring that the water reaches each part of the cabbage. If there are any folds or crevices, the water must also be run over those areas. At that point the cabbage is acceptable. (This system is only good for cabbage that is going to be cooked and not for salads)

OR

The four outside leaves of the cabbage must be removed and discarded. Cut the cabbage into quarters and separate all the leaves. Put into a solution of either a) vinegar and water or b) salt and water. Leave the cabbage in the solution for five minutes. The solution is made up of one teaspoon salt to every litre of water. Should vinegar be used, taste the solution and ensure that it contains a strong vinegar flavor. Thereafter the cabbage should be rinsed off. The water should be shaken off and dried whereafter every single leaf should be inspected to make sure that it is insect-free.

OR

Each leaf of the cabbage should be taken apart. It should be put into a solution of soap and water containing one teaspoon of soap to a litre of water. Stir 2-3 times and leave the cabbage for 5 minutes in the solution. Both sides of each leaf should then be sponged off including folds and crevices, rinsed off very well and then it is acceptable.

OR

Bodek brand cabbage may be used without checking.

Insects aren't kosher (except for certain locusts.....long story, I'll spare you) so the 50 or 60 mites, aphids, and thrips that are in a 3-4 ounce serving of frozen broccoli are bad news. Still though, when faced with that amount of preparation for a cabbage I think I'd rather work at acquiring a taste for thrip (it tastes like very small chicken)

The reason that these laws exist have been disputed by talmudic scholars for generations. Health, hygiene, religious obedience, delineation of Jewish identity, a prank foisted upon Jews by God when he was still a teen (I'm in the latter camp) have all been postulated as explanations and each has held sway at different times. If you speak French here's a report from a local Montreal station that's somewhat less favourable than the 1st clip. My favorite moment is when the reporter approaches a woman outside of a grocery store as she's loading up her car. "Did you buy any kosher products?" he asks her and she replies "No". He then shows her that she did indeed buy many products with the little kosher insignia on them and she is of course concerned and maybe even scared as she realizes that she's been feeding her family Jew food all these years...."Is it bad???" she asks and the question is left to linger. Food cleaned within an inch of it's life? As my grandmother used to say; "Listen...what could be bad?" http://tva.canoe.com/cgi-bin/player/player.pl?titre=Reportage%20J.E.&emission=je&video=http%3A//medias.tva.ca/emissions/je/reportages/19259.wmv&reseau=TVA&promotion

The good people at Munson's tried but failed to convince more Jews to eat their beveled hams as evidenced by the ad up top. In a bid to increase market share they have diversified their line of goods and even managed to get a kosher certification for one of their new products. Bravo to one of my favorite sponsors!!

Lest I Forget

November 22nd, 2007:

44 years ago today a very special man who gave hope to millions was gunned down in Dallas by Lee Harvey Oswald. That man, of course, was president John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

47 years ago today a very special woman who gives hope (and other stuff) to at least one man (me) was born in the west of Canada to a kindly farmwoman who knew little of birth control. That woman was of course my GF Phyllis!!

One year ago today and for no good reason I completely forgot that it was her birthday to no small amount of disappointment and vowed to never let that happen again. In that spirit I wish you, my dearest Phyllis, the happiest of birthdays in this public forum so that all interested parties may bear witness to my love, dedication, and resolve.

Here is a copy of the card that should already be in your mailbox as I write this (as promised by Canada Post....don't blame me if it's late!!). This card is reprinted as is with no touch-ups or photoshop effects:

Dick Wilson Dies - Sheryl Crow Changes Tune

Fine, so maybe you don't know the name Dick Wilson but if you're of my generation you certainly know and love Mr. Whipple, one of the most recognizable faces in the history of advertising. Wilson portrayed the prissy grocer some 500 times in commercials that spanned more than 2 decades and his catchphrase; "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" helped usher in the sexual revolution! (ed. note: it did nothing of the sort!)

I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with my editor on this one. Check out this vintage commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbXPjzM5no4&feature=related

and you'll be amazed by the barely diguised, sexually charged undercurrent. The young, attractive, and most likely married housewives are clearly using the tactile thrill of squeezing toilet paper to sublimate their libidos which are not being satisfied by their loutish husbands. The fact that they were so openly expressing their desire for sensual pleasure, albeit safely to the pseudo-gay and elderly Whipple, meant that liberation (sexual and otherwise) was right around the corner. (Ed. note: I watched the video...OK , you were right...asshole!)

YouTube has other examples of these commercials that bear watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCag_aRx8Hk&feature=related for the patented "Charmin squeeze" where the woman imitates the action of squeezing the buttocks of her partner as they engage in coitus using the traditional man-on-top, missionary position. (ed. note: PUHleeeease!! I said you were right one time and now you are simply taking liberties. You should retract that last preposterous statement immediately! This sort of deconstruction is........OK, I just watched the second clip...I'm going to bed, do whatever the hell you want!!)

Family sources said that Mr. Wilson had been battling ill health for several years but took a turn for the worse recently when he learnt of Sheryl Crow's campaign to save the world from global warming by using between 1 and 4 squares of toilet paper per "bathroom visit", an idea so ridiculous that even ultra-liberal Rosie O'Donnel couldn't believe it responding "Have you seen my ass??!!??"

Dick "Mr. Whipple" Wilson may have not recovered but his death has already had an impact. Earlier today, Crow's publicist announced that the pop singer had been a big fan of the TV character as a teen and would, in his honour, end the campaign. She will instead concentrate on other strategies for saving the planet such as pushing for more government action on renewable energy sources and, in an astonishing turnabout, persuading companies to make even fluffier toilet paper.

"If every roll of toilet paper contained just 7% more air we could save over 50,000 trees a year in the United States alone!!" asserted the preachy milf.

Thank you Mr. Wilson on behalf of myself and all my readers for keeping Ms. Crow and her whacked out idea at bay. You'll be remembered, and often (at least once or twice a day anyways).

A Birthday Message from the Governor General of Canada

Nov.17th 2007

From the office of the Governer General of Canada

The Right Honourable Michaelle Jean

Dearest Bob,

On behalf of the Canadian government and her majesty the Queen of England I'd like to wish you a happy birthday and best of luck in the coming year. These are trying days for all Canadians with the war in Afghanistan, a crumbling social and physical infrastructure, the massive personal debt crisis, and the upcoming world tour by Celine Dion. Thanks to your pioneering work on The Blob these bitter pills are just that much easier to swallow. I urge you to continue along the path you have so courageously set out upon especially in light of the upcoming 20% hike in personal income tax which will help pay for medicare . I trust that you will keep this as yet unannounced information to yourself.

On a more personal note I'd like to thank you for the exculpatory letter. I'll admit that I've been a bit taken aback over the last year or two by your lack of response to my emails, phonecalls, and especially the "Panty-gram" (and this is why I never responded to your recent attempts at communicating with me) but your explanation put my troubled mind to rest. Your girlfriend sounds like quite a pistol and I thank you for keeping me out of her crosshairs. I agree that what's past is past and I too will be content to live with the fond memories of that wonderful weekend. It was kind of you to include those photographs as well. Have you been working out???...nice ab!!

yours wistfully yet with dignity,

The Right Honourable Michaelle "michou" Jean

The Blob Healthwatch: C. Difficile, Fecal Transplantation, and You

This is a rather delicate subject but one of increasing interest and importance nevertheless. The rise of the drug resistant superbug is an everpresent worry in the world of medicine and the bacterium C. Difficile is without doubt the poster-germ for this problem. Patients who have been on antibiotics often have intestines that have been cleansed of all bacteria including the good ones (you know..the yogurt ones; acidophilus, bifidus, etc.) which leave them defenseless against a repopulation by unwelcome visitors. Once infected a downward spiral ensues that can lead to pseudomembranous colitis, an illness that is characterized by offensive-smelling diarrhea, fever, and abdominal pain. It can be severe, causing toxic megacolon, (ed. note: coincidentally, Toxic Megacolon is also the name of the next super villain in Spiderman 4) or even fatal.


Now the disgusting part...a new treatment has been developed called fecal transplantation (look it up)whereby a compatible donor's feces, replete with the beneficial flora, are checked for disease, mixed with saline and rectally delivered to the patient's colon via an enema. The few specialists who do this claim success rates as high as 95%!!

The image illustrates a post -antibiotic, barren intest-o-scape and a colonizing cluster of C. difficile bacteria. I have added words and liquified pooh to better illustrate the transplantation technique.

At present there is an actual stool shortage. The procedure will gain in popularity as C. Difficile related illnesses become more prevalent and many gastroenterologists, concerned by the low supply, are predicting a crisis. Lots of hospitals and newly opened feces banks are currently stockpiling and paying donors well for the now precious human waste material. My doctors tell me that my own stool has the specific type of biological blueprint that makes me a universal donor so bottom line...I am literally sitting on a goldmine!!! I knew one day my ship would come in ....(I said ship!).

The people from the Ileitis and Colitis Foundation have set up a donor fund for fecal transplantation or FT and have conscripted former A-lister and recipient of the treatment, Pierce Brosnan, to act as spokesman. Said the inebriated former star: "Listen, when it comes down to losing half your bowel or having them pour a quart of your brother-in-law's rank, liquified, shit into your ass you do what you have to do!" Truer words have never been spoken.

Celine Alert...this is not a test!!!

If we can believe the latest news reports Celine Dion is leaving Las Vegas and setting out to reconquer the pop music world with a vengeance. She was sighted as far east as New York city early this morning and diva watchers forecast that she will soon end up over the Atlantic, picking up strength as she moves on to Europe.
The hype machine that has been lying dormant for years as she miraculously gave birth to an actual human child is back in gear and we will have the usual onslaught of TV appearances, books, CD's, magazine articles, ring tones, perfumes and assorted other products. This is an ego that is very hungry so her legions of adoring fans can look forward to vapid talk show patter and more on-stage histrionics including the patented "chest thump" move which she perfected while frequently helping jumpstart her husband René's ailing heart.
Now word has it that she is thinking of portraying iconic soprano Maria Callas on film. Indeed, in a recent interview she spoke openly of Callas as her muse and a kindred spirit. Designer Karl Lagerfeld and his crew actually photographed her made up as Callas for a magazine spread so it appears as though all systems are go for the film to be made. If "La Celine" wants to do it then no ammount of money will be able to stop her. Watch the video above to get a good idea of the sublime artistry of Maria Callas and then link to the following tribute by Dion (WARNING: The last 50 seconds have been declared "a crime against humanity and all that is holy" by the world court at The Hague. Feel free to skip the first 3 and a half minutes) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujrOVo7J1HA

Consider it Done!!!

Maria Callous writes: (in reference to post of Friday Nov. 9th))

I feel I should point out some inaccuracies in your picture:

-Dixxx is seen here without his bass trombone.

-My dad seems to have lost a considerable amount of weight

- Hogisto seems to have found it!

-Mikexxxster doesn't have a hot chick on his arm



This is exactly the kind of feedback that I want and need!! Thank you Maria for the constructive criticism and the kind words that cleverly preceded it. I hope this updated photo
meets with your approval.

Dial 1 for service in French....Dial 9 to destroy us.

Quebec language activists target English in government phone messages

MONTREAL - The English option on automated government telephone menus has become a hot-button issue for some French-language groups in the province.
Language activists are decrying the fact that callers to many Quebec government offices are told to "press nine" for English before instructions are delivered in French.

Famed satirist Jonathan Swift must be smiling from on high. In Gulliver's Travels he imagined a war between the diminutive but very nationalistic Lilliputians and the equally tiny and daft Blefuscudians over interpretation of scripture. In this case whether to break an egg at the large or small end. This seems as noble a cause as WWII when compared with some of the incredibly petty language disputes that go on in the province of Quebec. We've had the Office de la Langue Francais decree that a bagel should be called a beigne juif (Jewish donut!!) and a hamburger a hambourgeois. All immigrants have been channeled into the French school system, 99% of all English signage expunged from public view (including the dreaded apostrophe!!) etc. etc. and now this latest cause celebre.

Yes there were wrongs that had to be righted but there is a fine line between vigilance and idiocy. This phone deal falls into the latter category.

If you call some government offices you are greeted in French and then offered to be served in English by pressing 9. As one patriot on the news said yesterday "this treats the French like 2nd class citizens!!" Honestly now, is the French language in Canada in such great peril that it's worth sinking that low??

As an English Montrealer I've had to live with seeing my stake in this place whittled away to almost nothing despite learning to speak French, marrying a French Canadian woman, voluntarily sending all 3 of my kids to French school, and eating my salads after the main course. No detail is too small to be overlooked by the local nationalist zealots lest in doing so the whole culture should come crashing to the ground. That's why the phone issue is so interesting.

Someone in some government committee had to decide at some point in our history what number should be pressed for service in English.

#1 is a total non-starter...there'd be rioting in the streets.

#2 is a little obvious in its reference to 2nd class citizenhood

#3-8 are too random and would make little if any statement

#9 is an easily defendable, well camouflaged insult that should concievably belittle any Anglophone.

#0 is way too insulting and possibly illegal given the new hate crime legislation.

Seperatists are passionate no doubt but not enough to wage an actual war of independence or place non-Francophones in internment camps. Instead they pracitice passive-agressive disenfranchisement in the hopes of getting enough of us to move so they can win their referendum on nationhood. The phone gambit has been put forth, now they play the waiting game........

Instruments of the Orchestra: The Trombone

The Blob is proud to present the first installment in a series designed to fulfill it's educational and cultural mandate. I've applied for a Canada Council grant and this is one of the key stipulations. (another is that I stop hanging around outside the Governor General's residence....Michaelle why aren't you returning my calls???)

As we all know certain instruments attract certain personality types and the trombone is no different, although trombonists fall within a broader range from "gregarious yet troubled" to "moody yet disturbed". Like all instruments in the brass family sound is produced by blowing air through the buzzing lips pressed against a mouth piece. This airstream races around some coiled tubing and comes out of a bell at the other end with a specific timbre, pitch, and volume. The trombone differs in that it has a sliding mechanism (called a "slide") that is used to alter notes and reach for pencils that have fallen on the floor. Most composers use trombones in their orchestrations as an afterthought so the pencil is an essential piece of equipment for doing crosswords and sudokus while awaiting the next loud tutti section. While the trombone is capable of many nuances it's mostly used in loud passages and the impatient and seldom used trombonist makes sure that even supposedly soft moments cause minor brain damage to the unfortunate violists who sit in front of them.

The trumpet section leads the orchestra with blazing glory, the french horns garner attention with their nobility and brawn, the tuba with it's basso profundo range but what of the poor trombonists. They are left to do some of the orchestral heavy lifting, filling out the sound and providing no small amount of oomph...they are the unheralded longshoremen of the ensemble, thick of forearm and low of brow.

This desperation and lack of recognition often leads to alcohol dependency which in turn leads to even louder playing and eventually death. (and in more serious cases conducting) This downward spiral can only be stopped if we, the public, intervene. Next time you see a trombonist, express interest in their instrument and ask a simple question along the lines of "What kind of mouthpiece do you use?" What follows may not be the most interesting hour and a half you've ever spent but the look of appreciation on the faces of these overlooked souls will make it all worthwhile!

As stated earlier this is the first in a series of posts on orchestral instruments. I've chosen to let the trombone go first as an example of practicing what I preach. Trombones never go first in anything.....except The Blob!!!

It's Beginning to Smell a lot Like....The Same Old Crap

We've just gotten through another Halloween and now head straight towards Chrismukkah with a brief pitstop at Remembrance Day for some serious reflection and gratitude before we become moronic consumers once again. Before I get to the main point of this post I'd just like to say how happy I am that the former Druid harvest festival has become just another excuse for young women to get dressed up as alluring/skanky temptresses. Within 10 years I predict that all Christian and Jewish holidays will go the same route. C'mon Muslim babes.....don't be such party poopers!!!!

Ok...back to the main topic. I'm writing this blog in Quebec, the last bastion of the French language in North America and the area with the most insecure populace on the continent (with the exception of those Mexicans who live at the base of active volcanos). Every few years some seperatist leaning politician or pundit decides to ratchet up the rhetoric and stoke the fears for their own personal gain. We are currently undergoing a resurgence of this type of behaviour with a travelling road show of a commission about "Reasonable Accomodation" for immigrants (read: orthodox Muslims and Jews and BTW doesn't that turn of phrase sound more like something you'd find on a cheap motel sign?) that is basically a soapbox for xenophobes and is only serving to stir up shit. Ever ready to pile on when the time is right, Pauline Marois, the smug and annoying leader of the indepence minded Parti Quebecois, has proposed among other things, that new immigrants learn to speak French before they can vote! Who cares if this is illegal, the point is to throw some jingoistic tinder on the ever smouldering embers of fear-based nationalism. Now we have news reports that the state of the French language among students is of a dismal quality....the state of everyone's language is of a dismal quality...join the club!!!

With this perennial language and cultural tension as the backdrop Remembrance Day approaches and with it the annual sale of poppy lapel pins to raise money for our veterans (of all races and mother tongues) and to offer a public display of the deepest gratitude to these men and women who among other things, saved the world from the nazis through their great sacrifice and heroism.

There is pressure on the French of Quebec to assert their difference from the ROC (rest of Canada) and they often go to great and sometimes ludicrous lengths to assert their distinct society status. Turn on any newscast or talk show and the obvious disparity is plain to see; virtually all the English talking heads are sporting poppies while maybe only 5% (that's being charitable) of their French counterparts are. Yes there was a Quebec conscription crisis before WW1 and another lesser one during WW2 (whipped up by an aging xenophobe and present day national hero, Henri Bourassa) but many Quebecers fought valiantly and proudly. To dishonour them by taking such a petty and misplaced stand is almost criminal and definitely idiotic.

Tomorrow I'm going to find me a shriveled old veteran, hand him a crisp 20 and drive him to the nearest French language TV station where we will donate a whole box of poppies to their on-air staff...anybody want in??

Reassurance from Washington: "Just business as usual in Pakistan"

It's hard to believe but we're already closing in on the 30th anniversary of the Iranian revolution. Remember how the population held mass protests against a US backed dictator until the whole government collapsed and morphed into a despotic and dangerous theocracy?

That misguided and self-serving behaviour has become the cornerstone of US foreign policy and Washington is every bit as addicted to it as these Pakistani lawyers are to their morning cup of coffee. They went after Saddam when he outlived his usefullness, they removed Noriega from the CIA payroll then got rid of him too, there's the aforementioned Shah of Iran and the list goes on.

They relied on Gen. Pervez "coup-coup" Musharif to aide in their ill conceived war on terror and we all may soon be paying a heavy price. Those opposition members who have not yet been jailed have gone into hiding and rumor has it that Benazir Bhutto has fled the country and is being replaced by a Nana Mouskouri impersonator. By now we all know that the north of the country, Waziristan or something, is the anarchic launching pad for many Al Qaida and Taliban attacks. Let's sit back and see if the country disintegrates into a radical, terrorist friendly,west hating, Islamist theocracy that unlike Iran, already has the bomb!!

If the present Pakistani regime somehow manages to hold on to power will they not emerge from the struggle emboldened and resume the sabre rattling with India over the disputed province of Kashmir? (something to do with tapestries or sweaters I believe).

If any of you have been planning on seeing the Taj Mahal I suggest you book your flights now because the entire region may be a Planet of the Apes style radioactive forbidden zone within a year and a half. This was something I had to get off my chest...the hubris of this American administration and others that preceded it never ceases to amaze me...I'll try to get back to more familiar Blob staples such as tits and trombones ASAP.

It's Official...God Exists!!!

As you all know, The Blob is usually a clearing house for all sorts of useless information, occasionally an advice blog, and on those most rare of instances* a personal web diary (*i.e. an important pie baking contest, my ex mistakenly sending my strapping 15 yr. old son to a winter-break teen activity camp for retarded and handicapped kids). Blogs as public diaries are almost always an exercise in narcissism and boredom which is why I only take The Blob in this direction with a great amount of forethought. Anyways, here it is....true story:

Yesterday I did the 3rd of 6 shows at a medium sized theater in Laval. It's a French comic operetta with a rather talented cast and a small pit orchestra. Earlier in the week I decided to bring my cell phone into the pit as a timer to make sure we weren't getting stiffed on breaks, rehearsal duration etc. I never do this for obvious reasons and have been rather consistent about this rule during the thousands of gigs that I've done over many years. On this occasion I put the phone on vibrate mode during the dress rehearsal and actually received a call which was completely inaudible...I figured "what the hell" and kept on bringing it into the pit for the shows.

I'm using my old cell phone these days (my other one was stolen) and I forgot that when I get a message the phone plays a little 5 second song at full volume no matter what setting I have it on so sure it enough it goes off for the 1st time in my life right during the 1st act. Of course the orchestra wasn't playing at this time and there was only one dimly lit actor addressing the audience at center stage. I was mortified and then completely stunned when I realized what had just happened: at that point in the play the actor, according to script, hears a cell phone and chastizes the audience for not heeding the pre-show announcement. He then sheepishly realizes it's his own phone, reaches for it on his belt, and has a conversation with the supposed caller. My phone rang exactly on the scripted cell phone cue and for the proper duration!!!!

No one in the crowd noticed a thing but the actor and everyone in the pit were baffled. At the intermission I announced to the my colleagues that it was me, it was an accident (and not a practical joke), and that I now believed in God.

post script: I've since reconsidered the whole belief in God thing but my opinion will shift again this Wednesday when I win 35 million in the lottery.

Breaking the God/Brain Barrier

DIXXX writes:

Dear Blob,

Have you ever heard of the God Helmet?

If you're referring to Dr. Michael Persinger's apparatus then yes I have (and thanks for asking by the way.) Experiments using this controversial device seem to indicate that certain areas of the brain, when stimulated with weak magnetic fields, can produce feelings of being visited by a "presence", either God or dead relative like. The topic is fascinating and easily researched on the web.

I agree with you Dixxx that it would be fun to have one of these gizmos at home but the cost is prohibitive. There are other ways of finding religious ecstasy. Some Haitians use voodoo drums and dance, some Catholics use guilt and self -flaggelation and some of my people, the Hassids to be precise, use a ridiculous over-structured lifestyle coupled with frenzied bouts of drinking (weddings, bar mitzvahs, and the holiday Purim). On these occasions they let go and party like it's 1929 then quickly revert to worrying whether their asparagus florets have been washed in vinegar to kill any tiny mites that may lurk therein. (wouldn't be kosher!!)

While Christians claim to have already had one messianic visitation Jews are still waiting. The old testament says we'll return to the Holy Land after the messiah (moshiach in Hebrew) shows up which is why Hassidim don't recognize Israel as a viable state. For these devout zealots the wait can get long and the entrepreneurial among them have come up with some clever solutions for inducing religious euphoria. Here's one that may interest you: