Maybe Barry Bonds isn't so Bad After All

"We all make mistakes," said Michael Vick "Dogfighting is a terrible thing and I reject it ... I found Jesus and turned my life over to God. I think that's the right thing to do as of right now."

I only hope for his sake that God is there when some dog loving prisoners come up with the appropriate ironic punishment for the star QB.

And so, another role model bites the dust. Gone are the days when athletes, actors, pageant winners and other fixtures of pop culture could actually serve as positive role models for our children. Even our lawmakers seem to be getting more loathsomely pathetic every day. Take the latest American hypocrite, Idaho repulican senator Larry Craig. He plead guilty to lewd conduct charges resulting from a sting operation in the Minneapolis airport after he propositioned an undercover cop in an adjoining stall by repeatedly tapping his foot and rubbing his hand along the bottom of the stall divider, apparently common sign language among the anonymous gay bathroom sex crowd. Of course sen. Craig has voted against pro-gay bills and is a staunch conservative. He is now backtracking and should be finding Jesus any minute now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhiP1h8pMZc&NR=1

If you haven't seen the Miss Carolina video yet take a look at this. (warning: this is a bit painful) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiJBKmOWphs They should stop pretending that pageants care about the intelligence of the contestants: nice face, nice tits, nice ass you win!!! period. Let others concern themselves with the state of education, our beauty pageant contestants are way too busy building their hair, vaselining their teeth and taping their bathing suits.

Where will the next role models come from? Who can meet the demanding job requirements? A musician, devoted family man, baker, or an avid blogger?...maybe all of the above. I'm going to watch the Daily Show now. I think I just beat them to the Larry Craig story by 5 minutes.... phew!!!

Photoshop Phun #17

Formal or casual? This young lady is ready for anything thanks to a simple photoshop juxtaposition. Who'd have thought back in highschool that one day I'd be the one "turning heads"!

New Directions...The Birth Pangs of a Cult

Party Bear said...
"You're a prophet, Blob! I worship thee!"

Mama Callous said...

"We need more inspiration. We're drying up here"

I hear you all loud and clear, believe me. If it seems as though I've been ignoring all the boisterous commentary then forgive me but after my voyage to the Rockies, the past few days have been spent in quiet reflection along with a bit of light housekeeping.

Why was I led to pick up a copy of The Book of Mormon, long tucked away on a small book shelf at Phyllis' house? What was revealed to me atop Mt. Edith Cavell etched into Angel Glacier? How was it that I came to bake exactly 5 pies, no more no less? Am I deserving of the praise and adulation that has been heaped upon me like so much sheep manure on a barren suburban lawn in the early days of spring? Where is this all leading me?

It's no wonder I've been absent with all these questions plaguing me. The answers are hard to come by but let me at least make an attempt.

Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism was a brilliant hoaxster but he can't fool me. It's just the Bible with a wacky, dumbed down American spin. Sort of like what the Yanks do with British sitcoms. It sort of got me thinking about what it would take to start my own religion and only days later I received a sign that shook me to the core...there, etched in the massive ice sheet the words "read the Blob" gradually appeared to me and sometime later to my equally stunned partner Phyllis:

After my ascension to the summit I was greeted with another stunning vision; The sun looked for all the world like the top of a pie complete with vent hole. By the time Phyllis reached my vantage point the image was gone!! "Pie in the sky!" I thought....."now there's a solid foundation for a new religion!!" I quickly realized that my earlier decision to enter a pie at the Millarville Fair was not mine alone. Had there been some othwerworldy guidance?? I re-attacked my 5th pie with new found ardour and lo, it was perfect yet the judges were blind to it's excellence. Why 5 pies (no more, no less). 5 perfect circles (Pi!!) each 360 degress for a total of 1800. 1800 was the birth year of John Nelson Darby, father of Dispensationalism, a fundamentalist, largely American brand of Protestantism which would later be espoused by Jerry Falwell and others of his ilk. They believe the Bible is divided into 7 distinct periods (or dispensations) based on Gods dealings with his flock.

Were these revelations telling me to start an 8th? After all isn't it easier to cut a pie into 8ths than 7ths and an 8th of a pie is 45 degrees which is my age plus 3...the exact number of children that I've fathered !!!! Surely this can't be a mere coincidence.

Even with this powerful evidence and with all the revelations I still don't know if leadership is my bag. What could I tell people, why should they listen to me?? I suppose all of the major religions started out as fringe, nutcase, beautifully marketed cults and they just happened to catch on. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.....

More Advice

Dear Blob,

A while back you mentioned Weird Al Yankovic and Alan Sherman in a post. Both were great parodists but they dealt mostly with pop music. Any ideas for a guy who'd like to break into the business but prefers classical music?

yours truly,

Crazy Alan Sleemowitz*



Excellent question Crazy Alan and I can see by your name that we're going to have a lot of work to do. Just like anything else being a good song parodist requires hard work and a significant investment of time. Sure you could go the "MAD Magazine" route and take the cheap laugh where a Star Trek spoof becomes Star Blech. They just phone that stuff in whereas a more serious jokester would go with Star Dreck thereby adding the treasured NYC, Yiddish edge. (Dreck means shit BTW, for those of you who still buy your so called bagels at the supermarket)
I love classical music as much as the next person but it has an inherent disadvantage in that it is much more esoteric than pop or folk and many of the songs are in a foreign language. The obvious answer is to start with English language favorites: A selection from Handel's Messiah,
"O Death, Where is thy Sting" becomes "O Death, Where are my Keys". Bernstein's semi-classical "Glitter and Be Gay" from the musical Candide becomes "Glitter and be a Fag"....you get the idea. Start doing your homework and get back to me with the results.

*Ed. Note: After receiving a scathing rebuke for his previous post The Blob will temporarily be instituting a new "Playin' it Safe" policy whereby all questions directed towards the site will be composed in house. Rumor has it that several law suits are in the works so the wagons must be circled, the hatches battened down, and loins girded in an attempt to fend off the foe, ride out the storm, and protect loins. The most recent attack came from a usually placid and unlikely source...please bear with us.

Maria, I Just Mentored a Girl Named Maria

Dear Blob,

I am a hot young Brazilian woman in Rio de Janeiro. I spend most of my days on Ipanema beach and partying at night. I have started to find my existence somewhat meaningless of late and am looking for a mature mentor, or failing that just some good advice. What I want to know is; am I contributing anything to society?

Maria del Clevagio

Before I get to the answer I'd just like to say how pleased I am to have a Brazilian contributor. As any blogger would tell you, It's a great day when you finally get to penetrate the South American market. Your name which in English means "sea of cleavage" (where I enjoy the occasional dip) is beautiful and evocative, your question; concise and provocative and wouldn't you know it...you've come to the right place. Either it's serendipity or you already know that I've recently established an outreach program for hot, young Brazilian women (the neediest of hot , young women!) It's a kind of on line drop-in center where my mentoring skills are available free of charge to all qualified applicants.

Now then...my answer, but as a word of warning I should first say that the comment section of The Blob is teeming with all sorts of Lotharios ready to steer a young girl in the wrong direction for their own unhealthy gain. The last thing you need during an existential crisis is some country bumpkin, pompous Anglophile or tangential maniac leading you astray.

I'm far from being any of those types and if anything one could say I was a caring Braziliophile. I delight in all things Brazilian: the coffee, the music, the wax jobs, you name it!!

So....are you contributing to society? There are so many flip and ready answers full of leering double entendres and inappropriately suggestive asides. While others would eagerly wade, hip deep, in that immoral sludge I'll take the high road and answer thusly not simply as a mentor but as the mature mentor that you require. After all wasn't it Rabelais who once famously noted "Heeding the advice of an immature mentor is not unlike buying ones candle wax from the porkman". Need I say more?

I can only hope that I've been of some help and that you will continue to seek out my advice. Now go forth, hone your craft (whatever that might be), approach vice with an eye towards moderation, never, ever, be caught without the proper foundation garment and remember this chiasmus: Ask not what you can contribute to society but what society can contribute to you!

Negroes Explained (but what of the Mexicans)

Color me astonished! Years of schooling and TV viewing had led me to believe that our species emerged, (somewhat darker skinned) in Africa and that whiteness was an evolutionary adaptation as some among us meandered north over the millenia.
Leafing through the Book of Mormon (don't ask) the other day I came upon a passage so succinct and thorough as to leave me dumbfounded and questioning all my previously held beliefs on the subject. Please read the passage in question which concerns itself with the Laminites and their failure to heed a directive from God:

NEPHI 5:15-24
Wherefore, the word of the Lord was fulfilled which he spake unto me, saying that: Inasmuch as they will not hearken unto thy words they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord. And behold, they were cut off from his presence.

21 And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.

22 And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.

23 And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done.

24 And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become an idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey.

25 And the Lord God said unto me: They shall be a scourge unto thy seed, to stir them up in remembrance of me; and inasmuch as they will not remember me, and hearken unto my words, they shall scourge them even unto destruction.

So there you have it. Millions of righteous Mormons can't be wrong!
Reading along in the Book I happened upon another passage that rationally makes a strong case for polygamy. I have half a mind to convert and procure for myself at least 4 wives and what man wouldn't do the same? Imagine the good-natured give and take, the unexpected (and delightful) hormonally induced mood swings, the kindhearted suggestions for better ways to do everything, the refreshing use of intuition and emotion instead of tired, old logic. Imagine all this and then multiply by 4.....Where do I sign up??!!

The Death of Pie

I wish I could say that I was sitting here staring at my first prize check of 1000 dollars but today just wasn't my day. Am I feeling humiliated? No. Vindictive? A little. Sick of saskatoon berries? Yes!!
As we walked into the food display area of the arena I had this sinking feeling for there overhead, graciously donated by the local Mennonite community, was a large banner that read "Kochen Macht Frei". I knew then and there that I didn't have a chance.
Sure enough my beautiful pie didn't even merit an honorable mention. The winner, 13 yr. old Teagan Keegstra, (that's right...Keegstra!) deserved 3rd place at best but I'm an outsider (auslander) and had no recourse after the fact.
Small consolation...I did get the Tenderflake Bursary ($50.00) for "Best Use of Lard by a Jew" but as the only Jew I was the odds on favorite. Unfortunately I can't download pictures from Phyllis' comp but in a few days I'll be home. You can be the judge....I was robbed!!!
My filling had the perfect ooze quotient (finally) with a strong Saskatoon flavor bolstered by hints of ginger, lemon, and almond extract. The pastry crust positively shattered under slight pressure from a fork only to reveal it's more tender underside. The delicate braid along the circumference and small leaf shaped pastry ornaments only hinted at the splendor within.
I come away from the Millarville Fair having seen anti-Semitism at its hateful worse. This is a card that I never play (exceptions: orchestral auditions, failed relationships, Jeopardy tryouts, all Quebec-based lotteries, and now this!).
I'll recover in time but for now I feel like an utter fool. Only hours ago my right hand was coated in lard...LARD...in all its porcine unctuousness. I tried and tried but couldn't wash it off....I feel it even now between my fingers and beneath my nails....its essence clings to my eyes!! It might as well have been the very blood of my ancestors after I'd stabbed them in the back!!!
Back in Montreal the support of friends will help speed the healing as will a complimentary meal at Schwartz's and a dozen St. Viateur bagels.
Next year, undaunted, I will enter once again with an identical pie save one new ingredient; a goyish family name.

All Over but the Waiting

We navigated the final dirt road that brought us into the Millarville fairgrounds at a cautious pace so as not to disturb our precious cargo. The final triumphant chorale of Mahler's 5th symphony blared from the car's speakers as I held the pie aloft as a symbolic offering to the gods. The majesty of the moment didn't escape the many exhibitors who were there, as were we, to register their wares.
Once signed in we headed to the viewing arena and straight for the baked and cooked goods display, past the patronizing For Men Only area to the multi-tiered Saskatoon Pie table that would soon hold some 89 crusty delicacies. Competition for prime tier position was polite yet I must admit that my hockey playing experience came in handy. These farm women are fiercely proud and will become violent if provoked!
And so, Phyllis and I placed our entries with care and an eye for aesthetics all the while scouting out the other pies and oh what pies there were!! I'm not saying we're overmatched but we're talking 80 dollar ceramic plates and pies with ornate pastry appliques and cutouts. I stand by my creation but the jury, as they say, is still out. Tomorrow will surely come and with it results of the big contest. There is one bursary that I'm sure to win (more later) but as for the grand prize.....it's anybody's guess.
Rumor has it that Marnie Bigelow, the slut of Priddis, spent 10 minutes "looking for her contact lens" under the judges table and that old Reilly Mullins is offering up his prize sow for a weekend getaway. Country life isn't so different from city life after all.

Pie are Round

It's good to see that even in my absence the excitement continues to build as the Saskatoonberry Pie baking contest approaches. The 100th edition of the Priddis-Millarville Country Fair is set to begin and all entries must be in no later than friday at midnight. As such tonight I will make my 5th and final test pie before the main event. In a subtle psychological jibe at the competition I leaked the fact that I'll be going with only 1-2 tbsps of tapioca...a bold move that one local critic called "foolhardy at best". Whether or not I actually go that low is my little secret.
I had planned to attempt a pork crust but upon a carelful re-reading of the contest rules I came upon this little used clause:
5055A: Pies may be one or two crusted with the optional top crust being either pastry(lattice or full), or crumb. No meats, meat pastes or meat substitutes may be used .
What a bunch of countrified bastards!! If it's any consolation I'll be using lard in the crust (kosher laws be damned..there's $1,000 bucks at stake here!!)
And so as we speak the Twin Counties are abuzz with pre-fair activity as preparations enter their final stages. Farmers groom their livestock for showing, craftspeople ready there goods, and housewives and predominantly gay men put the finishing touches on their kitchen delicacies.
The Saskatoon is an unwieldy beast of a berry. I climbed the mountains of Jasper looking for guidance and enlightenment and came down knowing that I'll need skill, cunning, and no small quantity of good fortune (and much less tapioca) to succeed. I promise you this: I will do my very best and return to Montreal with my head held high.

News of The Blob

A Dream Deferred
reuters Aug. 15

Any hopes of a pan-global Blob community based on the little known blog of the same name have been put on hold indefinitely. Bob S. , the reclusive and charismatic founder took leave of his duties recently as he undertook a much publicized trip to the Rockies in search of enlightenment. In his absence Blob contributors were left on their own and activity in the all important comment section fizzled to an almost total standstill.
On his return to civilization Bob S. , never one to mince words, couldn't help but voice his disappointment: "To be honest I was afraid this would happen. My contributors are largely alcohol fueled and protein deprived and without guidance have a tendency to lose focus. I had hopes of The Blob becoming a unifying force for all races and creeds (except of course the Libyans) based on juvenile humor and funny pictures....everything seemed to be in place too; the obsequious,lonely devotees, the easy international access, I was optimistic to say the least."
So where did The Blob go wrong? Analysts point to the western Canada trip as a major factor. Sporadic posting became the norm and a crude dial-up connection made presenting even the simplest photoshopped image an impossibility.
Can the project be salvaged and a once unpopular blog return to its former glory? Only time will tell.

The Life of Pie

The idyllic country life is doing me a world of good. My emphyzema has cleared up, the gout is but a thing of the past, and the mysterious rash, while still spreading, has taken on a marvelous, rosy hue.

Today Phyllis and I replanted a mugho pine and harvested a trunkload of woodchip mulch from a roadside pile. I took some time of from pie baking to go catch a couple of frogs down by the creek for a young, tow headed boy name of Henry.

About those pies...I just happen to be here for the 100th anniversary of the Priddis & Millarville County fair. http://www.millarville-ab.com/Fair.html This year only there's a special $1000 prize for the best Saskatoon berry pie so spurred on by Phyllis we ponied up the 5 dollar entry fee and I've been perfecting my technique for the past few days using friends and relatives as pie tasting guinea pigs.

The saskatoon is a Western delicacy and is drier with a more pronounced almond note than the blueberry. Getting a filling with the proper "ooze quotient" has proven a challenge but I'm not about to give up. Last year's winner Louisa Webb (that smug, gingham clad bitch) better not be resting on her laurels cause I'm coming after her with all the resolve and Eastern know how that this city boy can muster!!

In a day or so I'll be heading even further afield with a 3-4 day excursion that will take us through Banff, Jasper and the West Edmonton Mall. As such I'll not be able to do any posting. I leave feeling more hopeful than I have in days as the name calling, taunting, and chastizing that has gone on between my contributors, their alter egos, and myself is all but a thing of the past. May The Blob continue to be the oasis of love (and pie)that it was meant to be...... Piece be with you.

Another New Sponsor

You're about to spend your first night with that special someone but how to break the ice?? Nothing says "Let's get this party started" like the MediMate fun date kit !! All materials are hospital tested and hospital approved (Purell not incl.) to ensure hours of faux doctor fun. Take turns being practitioner or patient, re-enact scenes from your favorite medical TV show, one of you can be a baboon being prepped for vivisection who escapes and wreaks havoc on the cowering nurse (ironically using the very instruments meant for him!), ever wanted to be a sadistic prison physician on cavity search day? Go ahead....let your imaginations run wild!!! The basic starter set pictured here is only $199.99. Did someone say "The doctor is in"!!??

For more advanced couples why not try our Lady Intima Collection at $249.99. It's Gyne"cool"ogical!!!

Summer Safety with Turd Stuffington (and Turd jr.)

Hi kids and welcome aboard!! Our mission today is safety and in fact, that should be our mission every day. My son Turd jr. and I have a couple of tips that will help you have a fun yet safe summer.

As crew commander the men who serve under me and I often find it necesarry to engage in dangerous, high risk activities where maximum protection is an absolute must.

Those of you who read my most recent adventure "Turd Stuffington and the MegaGerbils of Zebulon 7" surely know what I'm talking about!

While you kids may not have close calls like that, accidents can happen anywhere. Summer is a season of pool parties, barbecues, tailgate parties (my favorite), or just hanging out in the park at night. Choking and gagging is a constant threat which is why a firm knowledge of the heimlich maneuver is a must. It's the single most important weapon in our safety arsenal. I taught Turd jr.about it and now let him teach you:

Thanks Dad!! I remember that lesson like it was yesterday...stand behind the victim, clasp your hands firmly under the rib cage, use a series of jerking motions with the wrists and whatever blockage was there should come spewing out. We practiced a lot in scouts too so now I'm an expert!! Over and out Dad.

Great work Junior, now let's look at some actual demonstrations of the right way:

The next picture shows the wrong way... The boys and I down at mission control call it the "Heineken maneuver" and to be honest I get very uncomfortable just looking at it...it's just so very wrong.

So kids,this is Turd Stuffington signing out and reminding you to learn the Heimlich properly and maybe even take a first aid course. Help isn't always close at hand and one day, whether you're battling MegaGerbils on the distant planet of Zebulon 7 or saving a buddy at a secluded picnic after he gagged on a piece of meat I'm sure you'd rather be a safety hero than a safety zero!!

Let us Spray

OK everybody, it's time to round up the kids, throw them into the van and head over to your nearest cineplex. Hairspray is this summer's must see hit, a double dose of Dr. Feelgood's Happy Tonic and just the cure for those of us depressed by the slaughter in Darfur and the slow but inexorable death of our planet. This sweetly subversive film is an homage to the idealism of the early 60's and the importance of non-conformity all artfully choreographed to an infectious rock and roll back beat....vive la difference!! When John Waters first began writing this film years ago he had little idea that it would be turned into a broadway musical and then into another movie based on the show. Waters has long been a champion of the underdog (often the transvestite underdog) and his body of work is testament to the power of American popular culture which, despite the urge to conform, always makes room for the rebel with some talent and a cause.

The cherry on top of my cinema sundae was a post-film fact finding mission to the men's lavatory at the insistence of my GF. A mysterious and compelling noise was coming from within (sounded like they were sand blasting a urinal) and as I neared the entrance I'll have to admit that my curiousity was piqued. After washing my hands I sidled over to the air dryer but this was just your regular and ineffective model. Across the room though and looking more imposing and streamlined was The XLERATOR. I placed my wet hands beneath the machine, it detected their presence, and 10 intense seconds later they were bone dry. This was power! This stream of air could clean your driveway, pile your autumn leaves and most likely exfoliated the top layer of skin from my hands. I left the washroom feeling completely dessicated and sanitized, ready to grab the escalator handrail that only minutes before had been held by hundreds of acne infested teenagers. This was the feel good hand dryer of the summer!