THE EDITORS OF THE BLOB WISH TO INFORM YOU OF A TEMPORARY SERVICE INTERRUPTION. FOR REASONS UNKNOWN IT HAS BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO DOWNLOAD AND PRESENT PICTURES FROM THE MAIN COMPUTER.

OUTSOURCING, WHILE AN OPTION , THROUGH THE USE OF MY PARENT`S COMPUTER HAS PROVEN DIFFICULT WHAT WITH THE CONSTANT INTERRUPTIONS; (BOBBY CAN YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS AND REACH THIS PITCHER FOR ME....WILL YOU GO BUY SOME MILK IF YOU HAVE A MINUTE....ARE YOU ALMOST FINISHED, I WANT TO PLAY FREECELL ETC.) A TEAM OF EXPERTS HAS BEEN CONTACTED AND WILL ENDEAVOUR TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION WITH THE SHORTEST POSSIBLE DELAY. THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...YOUR OVERWHELMING OUTPOURING OF CONCERN, THE LETTERS FROM LITTLE CHILDREN, AND EVEN THE GIFT OF THAT STRANGE SMELLING BOX OF CHINESE BEAR PENIS POWDER (TAKE IN MORNING-MAKE LADY HAPPY ALL NIGHT!!) HAS BEEN MOST APPRECIATED.
THANK YOU

Posts from the Edge

Here I am back at my parent's house stationed in front of their computer. Familiar sights and smells abound...a favorite sofa, whimsical knick-knacks, time worn carpets imbued with faint hints of long dead pets and a thousand casseroles. It's all strangely comforting and yet I feel untethered....my own computer is back in the shop after an unfortunate attempt at re-installing Windows XP that included a minor short circuit and an unresolvable Catch 22 type situation. My old room that I shared with my brother is now my parent's office and the computer sits in the exact former location of the bed that some 30 years ago I abandoned in favor of the couch in the den and unfettered late-nite access to the TV.

2 days ago I felt optimistic about getting my comp up and running but after my dismal failure I can't shake the overwhelming feeling of despondency. Sure the days are getting longer and warmer but today is bleak and grey. The rain is helping to melt the snow and leaving behind a winter's worth of thawing, swill- like residue. A stench hangs over the city like a wet elementary school curtain as I sit here, forcing myself to write, trying to fend off the suffocating, fetid darkness. I must find cause for hope....soon the comp technician will call....maybe the news will be good. It's election day here in Quebec. Later I will cast my vote and hold my head high as I participate in that most sacred of democratic privileges and duties. Then there's that coupon for 1$ off on a DQ Blizzard that's burning a hole in my pocket. If oreo/banana can't turn my mood around then nothing will!!

Taking a break from typing I part the faux wood/melamine blinds that had only seconds ago shielded me from the outside world and look up see the sun struggling to pierce the thick layer of stratus. The old lilac tree, still dormant, is now a temporary roost for a handful of wrens who chatter excitedly about surviving another winter and on the nearby sidewalk a gnarled old man horks up a glistening slug of phlegm before he boards the #104 bus for destinations unknown. He is choosing his path and I must do the same....Ah! My cell phone beckons....it must be the repairman with the good news!!

On the Comeback Trail

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, a glimmer of hope, and a newfound reason for optimism. Despite the dearth of recent posts I still haven't lost the ability to pad a sentence with well camouflaged redundancies as evidenced by the first sentence. This was a talent mined in elementary school and polished to a brilliant sheen during high school and university. Indeed, my grade 7 answer "cardboard in general and boxes in particular?" set the tone for much of what was to come later in pop culture including Bart Simpson's famous "corn or as the Indian's call it maize".
As I sit here at my parent's computer in the very room where I, as a youth, learnt about the art of procrastination (more about this later) my own computer is once again at the shop awaiting the installation of a brand new hard drive. Once this is done all I have to do is re-install Windows, transfer old files to the new drive, physically remove the old drive, install my new anti-virus software, await the inevitable flood of error messages, and then break nearby things in anger and frustration.
My loyal readership must be feeling neglected and if it's any consolation I do feel guilty even though, as an uninformed neophyte, my only mistake was not buying a MAC in the 1st place.
As I approach the one year anniversary of The Blob I can take a step back and from this perspective see how I've potentially boxed myself into a corner content-wise by avoiding the traditional "blog as diary" approach in favor of an eclectic blend of just about anything other than my own day to day life. Nothing could be easier for me than to pad out the Blob with mundane personal details on the days where inspiration (an interesting news story, a personal flight of fancy, a reader's contribution, ass jokes etc.) is hard to come by.
I'll leave you with this one thought that may help increase my readership through word of mouth: Currently there are more regular readers of The Blob in Norway than in Canada. This fact alone is shameful enough but add that to their victory over us in the WWII and the 7-1 shellacking they administered to our hockey team at the last winter olympics and a woeful pattern begins to emerge. Get Blobbing Canada...let's show these bloody Vikings that we mean business!!

Photoshop Fun - Contest No.1

*All applicants must be over the age of 18 and have liberal attitudes about nudity, moisture and dentistry. The amount of the cash prize will be determined by "the number of entries" times "the amount of advertising revenue earned by The Blob during the contest period" minus "any and all expenses incurred by The Blob as result of the adjudication process i.e. lunch, bus fare, gum etc."
In lieu of a skill-testing question the contest winner will be required to sit through an entire screening of Jersey Girl starring Ben Affleck.

Another International Women's Day has Come and Gone

In honor of the occasion I had a few of the girls over. We read selections from Eve Ensler's (author of The vagina Monologues) latest and watched The View and then Oprah. I served various salads, a passion fruit wine cooler, triple fudge decadence cheesecake, and later we discussed empowerment, the vagina, Oprah and the empowerment of Oprah's vagina. (you go girl!!).
It occurred to me that Spring Break coincides annually with Intn'l Women's Day and that this fortuitous confluence of events says much about the advances women have made over the decades. Indeed, Spring Break as observed in North America by the youth of today affords young coeds with a unique yearly opportunity to strut their stuff and assert their own sexuality in ways that their predecessors in the women's movement could hardly have dreamed of. This is a cause that is well worth it and one that The Blob has championed since the very inception of the site.
Throughout the month of March young people will be streaming south to the resort citites of Florida, Mexico, and the Caribbean. For many this will be a rite of passage and perhaps the most important step on that tortuous road to adulthood. Here at The Blob, and for a limited time only, I'll be making available a fabulous new product line from Grrrlz Inc. aimed specifically at young women embarking on this voyage. For many this will provide just the self-esteem boost needed to get right into the action:
''FunBaggz'' protective aircushion will take the edge off of a drunken fall from a hotel balcony (caution: max. 3 floors, will not work on fat chicks). This form fitting and discreet undergarment lends just the right touch of added security to a night of raucous binge drinking.
"The SafeKini" is a must have. You've spent hundreds of dollars on the sexiest, skimpiest swimwear only to have it ruined after a week of Spring Break festivities. The SafeKini is resistant to oil, jello, dessert toppings, vomit,and most puddings and it's velcro fastening system will help maintain the integrity of the fabric during even the most spirited bout of substance wrestling. You'll be a big hit with the guys in a Safekini!!!
"L'il T's" pre-moistened T shirt (pictured below) is another indispensable item that just screams Girl Power. This is not your Mother's wet T shirt!!
So there you have it....our public service outreach program to 19-23 year old coeds continues. Remember, here at The Blob.... we care!

The Greatest Marimba Orchestra Ever!

Contributor Tim H. sent along this little tidbit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rapKdd6aUI that harkens back to a time and place where people made real music for the sheer joy of it all. Strangely, all the keyboard instruments are backwards (maybe this was a gimmick) but they are played musically and with accuracy nonetheless. At 1 minute and 15 seconds check out one of the most heroic solos ever as the bass player overcomes some sort of horrific seizure and cranks out the notes. (and while your at it check out the babe with the great maracas!!) This is one musical journey well worth taking!

Crisis Mode

Every blogger I know has the same fear, a feeling of dread in the pit of the stomach, a sense of doom and helplessness should the unthinkable, the unmentionable ever occur. This past week I've been dealing with the very Hell hinted at above....the "spate of work"!!! Actual work, hard work where they pay you for doing stuff. Difficult, time consuming work that keeps me from Blobbing; my one true yet non-paying passion.
I've warned you readers in the past that one day this could happen here at The Blob but never really expected that it would come to pass. Lo and behold it's Spring break during my week with the kids, I'm involved in concerts that require tons of personal practice, there are instrument rentals with their respective deliveries and pick-ups, family matters and other logistical concerns.....all merged into a kind of perfect storm of personal responsibilities and The Blob had to take a back seat. I apologize but until each of my 5 regular readers pony up a solid 15 to 20 thousand that's just the way it's gonna have to be for the next little while.
In the meantime here's a little Spring break story, a 100% true story that happened just yesterday. Benjamin, my 14 year old is a clever, strapping young lad given to monosyllabicism and Nintendo. He had no plans for the break but my ex-wife MC found this teen activity program at the local YMCA that sounded cool. Day 1: pizza making at Domino's followed by a movie. Day2: winter sports....what could be bad. We approached him with this option and even though he had no friends that would be enrolling and it was completely outside his comfort zone he agreed with very little hesitation. I was quite proud of him to say the least. I dropped him off early yesterday morning and picked him up at 4. "How was your day?" I asked. "OK, not great" he replied...."They gave us this tiny ball of dough and we just put a bit of sauce and cheese on it...that was all I had for lunch. The movie was pretty good (Wild Hogs) and there were only 4 other kids there.....I didn't know any of them from school." Later on he told the same thing to his Mother only to have the phone grabbed away by Lara, my daughter, who told her "the rest of the story"! The 4 kids there: 1 hyperactive with Tourette's Syndrome, 1 blind kid with retardation and 2 with Down's syndrome. Benjamin had spent his day in a group activity for the mentally challenged or disabled. In MC's defence there was no way of knowing that the organizers had planned for this to be a mixed group. They didn't tell her when she signed the boy up nor was there any real advertising that indicated the true nature of the project. He was OK and knows that it was a good eye opener and learning experience, not to mention a good story to tell about his well-intentioned but unfortunate Mom. She told him that if he felt out of place there at least he knows how those kids feel every day and that his presence there probably made them happy. He felt that they really didn't notice he was there and were more concerned with, as he put it " staying on the sidewalk". Here's hoping you have a better Spring break.

Another Problem Solved

Hello, my name is Turhan Mirak and I'm the founder and CEO of The SockBin and co-owner of Sockworks and Gilbert's Fine Hosiery for Men. In Istanbul we say "a man would no sooner have a hump than a camel to wear socks" Occasionally though, a man would develop a hump on his back and, using a kind of reverse logic borne of desperation and poor schooling, try to cure himself by actually putting socks on his camel. This usually resulted in his premature death but that's besides the point. The important thing to take away from all this is that socks, coming as they do, between a man and his shoe or the earth have always been a revered part of the wardrobe in my native country of Turkey. Indeed, a drawer stocked to the brim with well maintained socks is an important symbol of status and, after the mole count, one of the first things that a prospective bride will check upon meeting a possible husband.
When I first moved to Canada 8 years ago I was dismayed and puzzled by the lack of respect payed to the sock and made it my mission to elevate the image of this special article of footwear.
At first using aroma therapy strategies in our outlets proved a dismal failure but we quickly rebounded with a techno/rave campaign that brought in the younger, hipper crowd that retailers crave. We went to bolder colors and borrowed designs from some of the most popular tattoo choices of the 15-30 crowd. Indeed our "Tatz" line is now our biggest seller.
We began advertising on The Blob and saw our sales jump by 17% in 2 months. We've seen steady increases ever since. Here is a recent comment from a Blob reader that I found most interesting:
"....who ever thought to play hard driving techno music in the stores must have been a genius. There is nothing like choosing a pair of socks with a slammin groove to nod your head to. It's like saying "Yeah, Yeah, these are awesome socks!" The only problem is when you get home to put them on they don't seem so awesome anymore. What can I do to prolong my socks buying experience?
A perceptive client with a legitimate complaint....I immediately called a meeting and 5 hours later Ecstasox were born. Imagine that you're a 20 year old at a rave. It's 3 in the morning, you've been dancing since 11, and you've met this really hot chick that you'd like to get with. All the bathrooms are packed so you decided to bring her back home but by that time your drugs have worn off and, in the words of our comment writer; "she doesn't seem that awesome anymore." Another hit of ecstasy......problem solved!
All we did was to borrow from this typical experience and incorporate it into our sock manufacturing process. Each Ecstasox unit is impregnated with minute amounts of an ecstasy-type designer drug that is easily absorbed through the skin of a well groomed and moisturized foot. 10 complete wash cycles later and you'll still be experiencing that lighter-than-air feeling you had when you 1st purchased them. When the effect starts to wear off a simple shot of EcstaPep Refreshener Mist and.....problem solved!
In closing I'd like you all to pay a visit to your local SockBin retail outlet. I guarantee you'll have a good time and buy a great sock. Who knows.......you may even find it...... habit forming?