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Monday, June 29, 2009

The Di-efication of Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson was first and foremost a superb entertainer. He could sing really well and dance even better and in tandem with the more talented Quincy Jones came up with one of the best pop albums of all time. Second and foremost he was a tragic figure, a nutcase, a drug and alcohol abuser, and a pedophile. There may have been something weird going on with that chimp too.

Now he's dead and though everyone is expressing shock it seemed kind of inevitable. Despite a projected comeback there was really nowhere left for him to go.

We all know the sad tale, we know about the avaricious, abusive dad, hawking some Blue-ray product on the BET Award red carpet only days after his meal ticket had died. Looney tune times to be sure but what are we to make of the massive outpouring of grief, mourning and reverant celebration? Puff Daddy (P Diddy?) or as my good friend Troy Huber refers to him; Pap Smeary, even went so far as to suggest that MJ had some degree of responsibility for Obama getting elected. I didn't hang around for the logical explanation. (I'm thinking it may have had something to do with chaos theory in which case I too am in some way responsible ).
Anyways, now we are being subjected to the traditional media orgy in symbiosis with the throngs who hold vigils hoping against hope to be asked a question by a TV reporter.
Tha over reaction to Lady Diana's death has now become the gold standard and Americans will seize upon any opportunity to try to better their former colonial masters in the self flagellating, satcloth (CORRECTION!! the previous word should actually have been Sack cloth. "Satcloth will remain in this post only as a reference for the pedantic and self-laudatory comments that followed) and ashes department.
These people are in fact mourning their own lives, a sad sign of the times. back in the day this kind of thing would never have happened, and would be unheard of today if only more people would believe in our Lord Elvis!


Party Bear said...

Satcloth? Depends on who sat there I guess...

Anonymous said...

Satcloth? How's about faluzio!? See, I can make up fancy words too sister...

Sir Elton John said...

Bonsoir, Sir Blobalot!

Don't let these (no doubt very ugly indeed!) Philistines get you down! I've just this evening purchased a new peignoir; I know you'll be quite, quite squiffy once you see it!! At what o'clock shall we cross swords? En Garde, my oh, so special friend!!

Your Very Parfait Knight, Elton xxx

Maria Callous said...

Wtf? What the hell does peignoirs have to do with Michael Jackson?... wait... actually scratch that. Also, I think that Mikester's latent homosexuality is seeping through the molding at a steadier rate these days. He's always masking himself as Tobias Funke and that other gay guy and now dear Sir Elton? As a long-time fag hag I can only urge poor Mikester to step out of damp dank darkness of the closet and into the light of the bedroom as the truly proud and inspired gay man inside him (how proud Tobias would then be!). Either that or start writing in as Hulk Hogan or something for fuck's sake.

Hulk Hogan said...

Hey (How do you Solve a Problem Like) Maria!

WTF, indeed!!!!! It seems to The Hulkster that SOMEBODY might benefit from a serious spanking!!!!!! And trust me; I won't, as they used to say, "spare the horses".......(!!!!!!)

Hello!!!!! Grammer counts, you know!!! One can only get by for a while with a smokin' bod and a pretty face...... believe me; I know all about that (although I'm cleanin' up on the Old Age Home circuit, if you catch my drift!!!!!)!!!!!!

Do you truly believe that that fuckin' weirdo M J got that chimps (I believe his name was Bubbles...) attention by wearing a monkey-suit*??????? COME ON!!!!!!

Clearly; anyone who sings love songs to rats has issues...... so, to answer your question....... THAT'S what peignoirs have to do with Michael Jackson!!!

One final thought, dear girl..... have you ever thought about becoming an officially sanctioned** Hulkomaniac??? There are many, many, many side-benefits....... wink, wink!!!!! (ha ha! Just kidding....... not really!!!!!!!) The Hulkster

* 1950's jargon for tuxedo, or white tie and tails.

** some restrictions apply.

slapper58 said...

OK OK "Sackcloth you f***ing losers! I've managed to live my entire life under the false impression that there was something called satcloth and now you guys come along and ruin it for me!
I liked that non-existent word so much that I even thought of anglicizing my family name, from slapcoff to what???
Sack cloth makes sense of course, too much sense as far as I'm concerned.
BTW "Faluzio" IS a word. It's slang in Calabrese and means "pedantic asshole" as in:
"l'orso del partito è uno faluzio".

It's nice to see that passions have flared anew amongst that most unholy couple; Maria C and Mikexxster. I like the Maria inspired Hulk Hogan version (Mikexxster v. 12) because even though he's a steroid addled brute he's a lot less frightening than that Funke fellow. (creeeepyyy)

Maria Callous said...

Dear Hulk,

I'd rather not become a "Hulkomaniac" because I can only guess that in order to become as you put it, "officially sanctioned" as one, then I'd have to let you pee on me. Thanks but no thanks you steroid jacking bastard.


kudos on the italian or spanish or whatever language you're trying to make a joke in. However, in italian it would actually be "l'orso della festa è un faluzio". And if after this post you want to call me a faluzio then you'll have to use the feminine.


Hulk Hogan said...

Dear Maria,

That's a very interesting suggestion (!!); why don't we discuss it if ever we meet? You should know, however, that the Hulkomaniacs is actually the name of our book club (I'm just guessing here, but perhaps books aren't your "cup of tea"?).

Right now, we're reading the 18th century essayist and poet, Oliver Goldsmith... a wonderful writer! One of his most interesting essays, "On Dress", is a humourous complaint about the very bad fashion sense of the women of his time. In particular, he rails against older women trying too hard to look younger, in part by exposing far too much cleavage (plus ca change, n'est pas?...).

He describes a chance encounter with his elderly cousin, Hannah, in the park; in his opinion, she's exhibiting far too much "bosom". He goes on to write that, "her bosom, lo these twenty years, has felt no hand but the Hand of Time...." gripping stuff, wouldn't you agree, Maria? Are you sure you won't become a Hulkomaniac?

Just so you know, I'm not a "steroid jacking bastard" (neat turn of phrase, though!). It's all about clean living, to my mind; Tai Chi, Yoga, early nights and plenty of raw garlic and carrot juice... the keys to a happy and fruitful life!!

All good wishes, dear girl! Hulkster

Maria Callous said...

I couldn't agree more about the boob thing but if you're trying to imply that mine are like that and that I show way too much of them then you're wrong on one count. My boobs are young, perky and they're spectacular!!!

Dr. Spaceman MD said...

Dear Maria,

As a medical man of many years standing, I have come to know first hand the dangers of self-diagnosis.

Sadly, many, many young women mistakenly believe that their boobs (how charming that you know that obscure medical term!) are "young, perky and spectacular". This unfounded (medically speaking) belief can often lead to tragic consequences later on...

Maria, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of what we doctors call, "a second opinion"... why, the vast majority of my own patients are very quick indeed to seek out a "second opinion"!

I would be very pleased to help ease your mind regarding this delicate situation. A second opinion from a trusted professional = no second thoughts!Pop by the office any time... I'm at 30 Rockefeller (or however you spell it!) Plaza. You're welcome!

Mikexxxster said...


Make another post ASAP if only to spare us that inhuman, hideous face in that gawd-awful photo.......

truth to tell, the late, demented MJ doesn't look so hot either......

Party Bear said...

O.K., everybody calm down. I am sure Blobby will come up with a new post as soon as his confidence returns. How devastating it must be to have one's ignorance so cruelly and justifiably exposed!
Nice work, Hulkster! We missed your macho antics- keep em comin'

Ecce Homo (that's you Mikester)

Bobby Slayton said...

Hey Blobber, z'up, my man?

Generally, I love yer site, LOVE IT!! Nasty, but not TOO nasty... believe me, I know nasty! It's a fine line, right? Lately though, I gotta tell ya... you've been slippin', buddy... too nice....... too nice, an' WAY too slack........... lazy fucker!!!! Get off yer fat ass, an' photoshop somethin', fer Chrissakes!!!!

So; maybe it's time ya stopped cryin' yer pretty little eyes out over your beloved (yet, ya gotta admit; very creepy) MJ, wipe them peepers, come out of your bedroom, and have a laugh or somethin', right?

Here's one......ya ever hear about the song Mikey loved, but never recorded? It's called, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"............ get it? NO????......COME ONNNNNN!!! Work with me here, loser ........ the guy (I think he was a guy!) was a weirdo!!! An' he LOVED that chimp!! Now do ya dig? Hello.........(!?!?)

Tell ya what...... give me a buzz when ya stop bawlin' yer eyes out, homo!! The zombie's dead, man! Get over it!! Bobbie

RJ said...

Damn! That's some burn! I love this Bobby Slayton character! C'mon Bob, get yer arse in gear and surf us up some photo shopped turds or sumpin!


Tobias Funke said...

Hello, Blobber!!! Greetings and salutations, HOMO (I have NO idea why, but writing that felt just super!!!)!!!!!! Ha ha!! Just kidding.......... LOSER!!! Ha ha ha!! Still with the joshing and the kidding................... LAZY FUCKER!!! Ha ha!!! THIS IS GREAT!!!!!!

WOW!!! That Bobby Slayton is a PISTOL, wouldn't you say, Blobbie? Major "'tude" right up the ol' wazoo (funny... writing that felt good, too... anyhoo... I've found that it's never a good idea to dig too deeply into the ol' psyche; after all... who knows WHAT one might find down there, eh, Blobber? Scarey!!!)!!!!!

What really caught my eye, though, was the reference to that old Broadway song, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"; we sing it ALL THE TIME at the Hot Cops Glee Club... do you think Bobby might like to join? We're always short of high tenors, and I'm sure he'd love the cameraderie!!! And, next week is Costume Night, so the post-rehearsal party (we call it "The After-Glow"!!!) will be especially fun!!!

Blobbie, both you and Bobbie are hereby officially invited to our next rehearsal, By Order of Tobias Funke!!! Something tells me that's just the thing to get you out of your post-MJ funk!!! THE ZOMBIE'S DEAD MAN!!!!!!!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!


your (always sensitive) pal, Toby

Michael R. Wilson said...

Well, that's it for me... I give up. Goodnight, Mr. Blobeleh, wherever you are. I'm outta here...