World Date UpCup

(ed. note: We think he meant World Cup Update but he's tired and cranky... didn't have the heart to mention it)

The World Cup of soccer is in full swing. Africa, at long last and to the great joy of her citizens, is now first among equals in the great family of nations.
During the opening ceremonies as we were welcomed back, with open arms, to the source of our origins I couldn't help but get a bit choked up. First Obama and now this...bye bye White guilt and good riddance!!
I watched a short film clip about the vuvuzela, new to me and apparently some kind of indigenous instrument that the locals played with great delight. It looked and sounded almost identical to the plastic blowhorn I had as a kid, but what did I know.
I still remember my last blowhorn; I was 11 years old and brought it to a sparsely attended Expos game. I played it loud and lustily and around the 7th inning a nearby drunk asked to take a look at it. "Sure" I said and watched as he calmy held an end in each hand, broke it in two and handed it back to me!!
Well...there are thousands of 11 year old me's at any given world cup match and the rest of the planet has turned into that ballpark drunk. Infuriated and vengeful but this time with no recourse. Commentators, columnists, and bloggers have raled and foamed at the mouth. FIFA tried to ban the instrument from all stadiums but all to no avail. The horrid, annoying, loud buzzing noise is with us for another 3 weeks, like it or not.





This clip is more or less typical of the bitter tone that has characterized the uproar.

"What can they possibly be thinking?" you may well ask. The source of so many of our most engaging and enduring forms of popular music and THIS is what they come up with??

Its like the nerdy, poor kid from a backwards family who's parents finally let him have a party in their basement because they won a 50" 3D plasma TV and everybody wants to come check it out and they serve sardines and cream soda and he pulls the chairs out from under the cool kids as they're about to sit down and cracks up and squirts them with water pistols all night (and cracks up).

That's pretty much how it seems on first glance but here at The Blob we like to scratch below the surface to see what worms of truth we can unearth.

My South African operatives put me in touch with Mbuko Seke Ngolobasele, and elderly gentleman who was there at the beginning of what he calls "the vuvuzela movement".

"The instrument was invented some 10 years ago ... a plastic version of a horn that has been used for many years by the Duduk tribesmen to talk across great distances while tending to their herds. Then we got the World Cup the people in the slums and shanty towns started to talk. "We will get nothing from this " they said "but still, the world will come to our doorstep!" And so it began. We are a poor continent, maybe backwards in the eyes of some, but we understand revenge as well as anybody else. We were all encouraged to buy the vuvuzela, it is not expensive, and in churches and elsewhere we were taught to play it as loud as we could and with the most brittle of tones. After centuries of exploitation at the hands of imperialists...enslavement, rape, pillaging, plundering of our wealth, support of the most bloody and corrupt regimes... No we are not rich and cannot afford many bombs but we would have our revenge!!"

And so the African fans, in a tremendous display of passive/aggressive retribution are ruining our party and clearly delighting in doing so. I guess we deserve it but in 3 weeks it'll be all over, the playing field will be even once again and we will all emerge winners!

EUPH!! 2!!

The date was July 24th, in the year 2007 and The Blob made special mention of a little show that could on the occasion of its 5000th performance http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/07/landmark-show-reaches-5000th.html

Almost three years later and with legions of fans clamoring for more, producer Burton Scheissman has delivered the goods with a spectacular new musical that is only two weeks away from its official opening.

"Of course there will be lots of euphonium but we've changed the setting to Paris and there is a love story too. I can't give too much away but...have you ever had to choose between the woman you love and an instrument that looks better than she does??!!"

Critics who've seen the preview have raved and tickets are almost impossible to come by after low brass lovers snapped them up in record time.

New songs like the poignant "Oh Papa, (without you I'm but an Oom)", the bluesy tuba feature "You Can't get No Lower", and the boisterous and hilarious "Euphonium Can Can, Can't" will haves fans of the original EUPH!! tapping their toes and lining up yet again for a return visit!!!

While We're on the Subject

You know how it goes...I post something, a couple of people find it interesting enough to send some related questions my way, and before you know it there's a whole week of Blob on the same subject. I guess it's relationship week:

MARIA CALLOUS writes:

That's great Blob, thanks for clearing all that up. But can you write a post that helps the young unmarried types feel the love? And not the kind of love she can get at the bar any time she wants. The kind of love where she can get off AND have someone do her chores for her. Any suggestions? (nothing expensive neither!)

Well Maria, that's quite the question and you are far from the first to ask it.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qhjmHioPH8&feature=related

My sources tell me that you are an attractive, intelligent young woman and the fun kind of bi-polar. You can either stay the course and wait it out or go ahead and date a much older man. There are benefits and drawbacks to either option.

If you choose to wait it out then you'll be stuck doing your own chores....guys you pick up at bars will not do this. Maybe while you're waiting you can move back in with your parents and they can do the dog walking, cooking, and cleaning for you!

The older, more grounded man will satisfy all your needs but be dead by the time you're 70 leaving you time to take that scultping class you always wanted to try and to go on a cruise. Actually there is no down side to plan B.

Anonymous in Saskatchewan writes:

Dear Blob,

I've got a strange boyfriend related problem and I'm at my wits end. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful guy; romantic, thoughtful, and he does chores but there's a habit of his that is driving me crazy!

We have an active and fulfilling sex life but when he has an orgasm he sort of does this spasm thing and raps me in the head with his knuckles. He swears it isn't so but it feels for all the world likes he's giving me a noogie. If that isn't bad enough he also giggles and points after he cums...this can go on for a few minutes and is extremely annoying!!

I'm being transferred from Regina to Phoenix soon (he giggles when I say either of those places as well :o( and need to know if I should just abandon ship. Thanks for your help.

Dear Anonymous,

Far from the Dickens inspired song I linked to above (Dickens...hehe!!!) you have found love but not without its complications, in this case, medical complications.

The good news is that with therapy and the proper medication your boyfriend can change his ways. I'm not a doctor but I will recommend Gravitrol, the latest in a line of sexual behaviour inhibitors that basically help men with his condition (Immature ejaculatilon) to grow up. There are some minor side effects...abnormal interest in the works of Syliva Plath and Kurt Cobain, inappropriate philopsophical musings, staring meaningfully at inanimate objects, but all the things you are having trouble with will, in time, disappear. Best of luck!

For Ladies Mostly

For almost 3 years now, The Blob has meant so much to so few. Useless advice and information have been doled out, jokes told, fake products hawked and all free of charge. (don't worry...I'm not about to ask you for money)

With that in mind let's all take a deep breath as we wade into the murky waters of relationships. A subject that perhaps, amidst all the frivolity, I've neglected.

Problems are many and solutions are hard to come by, after all ... people, including women, are involved. I'll now attempt to clear a couple of things up where so many others have made vast fortunes failing.

Back in the day a modest and successful kids show called Romper Room had a segment where the host/teacher would peer out through the TV screen using a "magic mirror". As little kids we were convinced she could see us!

I too have such a device, specifically tailored to look out from behind my computer and into the psyches of my female readership. Doctor Phil would kill for such a thing but again, don't worry... it's metaphorical.

THE PROBLEM

What I see from this vantage point is that women in commited, heterosexual, relationships are by and large missing the boat. The majority who complain of not being loved properly or validated sufficiently need only broaden their scope and look around their own houses. Are their rules being followed by their spouse? ... cabinet doors and drawers closed, clothes picked up, towels rehung etc. etc. If so this is one of the many ways your man is telling you that he loves and respects you. For many men these behaviours do not come naturally.

For your husband, NOT forgetting his used underwear on the kitchen table while he stops by the fridge on the way to the laundry room is every bit as valid a loving gesture as leaving a single rose on your pillow and yet women continuously overlook the obvious.

Why would we put the toilet seat down if it wasn't out of respect for you? Have the stray hairs been cleaned from the bathtub, the beard stubble rinsed from the sink, the very sink that he pees in without telling you??? The floors or dishes washed and any other number of chores completed during the course of a given week? And all this on top of saying he loves you, opening the occasional door and making sure your physical and emotional needs are met....as far as he can tell.

There is so much love going on and you aren't even aware of it. Soon enough and as a consequence, the husband starts to feel invalidated and the downward spiral begins.

THE SOLUTION

The answer of course is to start noticing and embracing these loving gestures, not keying in on the odd fault. That twinge in the pit of your stomach you felt when I mentioned "a single rose left on your pillow" can happen all day long if you choose to notice what is already there and trust me ladies, the twinges compound and build until you feel like exploding. Some women I've spoken to who have adopted this attitude have actually climaxed using this technique. I call it a "choregasm" and according to them it's every bit as good as the real thing!

Does he wash your walls, polish your floors, scrub your carpet, degrease your oven, lather your cat??? He loves you!! Now leave him alone and let him watch TV.