Post #501 - A Blob Fall Testimonial

It's Autumn and we're rounding the corner and heading for the big post #1000! High time then, that I signed on another new sponsor to provide the life blood of all blogs (and all things of any importance); advertising dollars.

On this occasion I was so smitten by the product that I decided to do the shilling myself! Give a listen:

You know how it is guys, big back yard with lots of trees meets a few cold October days and before you know it you have so much leaf ground cover that even the thought of raking makes you want to shoot youself in the head. For the last few years now I've found the only solution is to tackle the problem with power and lots of it. The BLOWMASTER v.7 is the most powerful and versatile leaf blower on the market and I highly recommend it for any of your blowing jobs. As you can see from the picture , I have an overabundance of fallen leaves so the extra power is appreciated. The entire unit straps on so I can have both hands free to operate the long, carbonite grade, black PVC nozzle. I was so satisfied with the BLOWMASTER v.7 that I won't be going back to the v.6 any time soon...I'm sold on the black, PVC strap on model. The Rolls Royce of leaf blowers!

Check out this "point of view" shot. Here I had it on "Turbo" and would you look how it cleans the lawn right down to the top soil!!

Now, you're probably all saying to yourselves "What the hell does he know about blowing leaves!!" so I've gone right ahead and asked BLOWMASTER spokeswoman and adult entertainer, Jenna Jameson, to talk some sense into you all. Take it away Jenna!


" A special Jenna hello to all Blobophiles, many of whom are no doubt familiar with my body of work! Trust me guys and girls, The Blobster knows what he's doing...you saw what his lawn looked like at the top of the page. Now check out how it looked after he finished blowing it (with the BLOWMASTER v.7). A truly professional job!!"

Thanks Jenna!

And in closing, here's a cheery little number about all the dying leaves complete with lyrics and visuals http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2s2tPORlW4&feature=related. Who knew this song actually had words!!

What's Going On - segment #2

OK ..where was I? Oh yeah!

When we last left off the wedding was just around the corner, the cake looked like a giant piece of pink sidewalk gum, and I was lying on the couch, post-tantrum, looking for inspiration from afternoon TV. "What would Martha do"? I asked, but the moment a potential solution popped into my head an even more compelling reason for its inevitable failure would emerge in its place. 3 minutes turned to 4 and soon to 6 and still no answer, then it hit me, the one word, the one thing that would save the day: ribbon!!

WARNING: The following section deals with behaviour suggesting an alternative lifestyle. Small children and fundamentalists should leave the room in a quick and orderly fashion.

This of course would require some bold and quasi-gay action on my part but when push comes to shove one does what one must! Now, unlike what many of you typical Blob readers are thinking I didn't **** with a ***** while some anonymous man ****** *** **** in my ****.

Nor did several youngish **** **** me with a *** while *****ing on ** ****!!

What I actually ended up doing was going to a fabric store in search of the proper type of ribbon and carrying with me a piece of the troublesome pink fondant to do some color matching. I was, of course, the only male in the store except for one guy who the sales staff kept referring to as "Cynthia" and I did feel like a straight fish in a gay pond. Just when I felt like chickening out I thought of the bride and how she'd kill me on her special day and this was all the motivation I would need. I found my ribbon, asked some kind and matronly women for a 2nd and 3rd opinion and was on my way. Soon the transformation was complete...the cake that is..... not me.

I didn't start ******* an ***** or ***ing a ***** with a greased ***** just cause I went to a fabric store with a piece of pink icing to buy some red ribbon.

And so it was that the cake was rendered presentable and the wedding saved. The premiere of Quebec, the honourable Jean Charest, never got to taste a piece, opting out of the meal when he learned that a leading mafioso would also be in attendance.

Here he is with the bride and a ridiculously small dog. He shook my hand on the way out so he is now assured of my vote in the upcoming election.

(I'm easily swayed, what can I say??)

The guests ate the wedding cake with gusto and were wholely unaware that the ribbon was covering a multitude of decorative sins.

While I received many words of thanks and a healthy round of applause I mustn't forget to thank my sous-chef (pictured below) and the restaurant staff for all their help.

I also want to thank the mafia Don (pictured below) for getting me that deal on the ribbon and for not having one of his boys nail my hand to the restaurant's kitchen counter after an incident with the raspberry coulis.

And what of the comely "neurosis" of sopranos that some of you (one of you) has been clamoring to know more about?

Well it was hot in the church and as the ceremony wore on and on one thing led to another. You know how sopranos are....(pictured below)

What's Going On? (segment #1)

2 weeks without a post, without a peep or even a blurt. I suppose an explanation is in order and especially to the loyal Blob readers who, in vain, have coaxed, threatened and cajoled me into providing them with the free diversions to which they've become accustomed. (cheap, needy, bastards!!)

I was thinking of going with a vague hockey type excuse and claim a "lower body injury" but why lie when you can tell the truth? The real story is that I've been busy learning and playing music so difficult and time consuming that it cut into my wedding cake baking and on-line gaming time leaving little room for Blob related activities.

"Wedding cake baking?" you ask and rightly so since this is not something I normally do, especially for a wedding party that includes a leading mafioso, the premiere of Quebec, around 15 comely sopranos (and other voice types who all sang opera choruses), and a narcoleptic chihuahua puppy. At this point you must be wishing I stuck with the "lower body injury" angle but all details and photos are completely authentic, unembellished, and un-retouched. Listen up:

The bride, a voice coach, the husband, a personal trainer. I knew neither but was invited as a guest of a woman who was supposed to bake the cake and then asked me for help. I had a conception which changed when I was informed that the bride wanted a cake that was chocolate AND vanilla and pink!! I would make a 3 layer masterpiece, the middle layer being vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream, the outer 2, dense chocolate truffle cake, all covered in pink fondant; a substance as mercurial and difficult to handle as, well....as a soprano who's planning her own wedding.

It wasn't long before disaster struck and I was forced into doing probably the gayest thing I've ever done, and I say this with apologies to my gay friends and relatives (Uncle Sheldon, you're not fooling anybody!) A day before the wedding, in the AD stage (assembly and decoration) the fondant proved too much for me to handle. I went into a panic, became chair kickingly (see photos below) enraged and then despondant.

It wasn't a pretty sight and there was no time to start over. Premiere Jean Charest would be seated at my table, the mafia king not far away. The bride needed nothing less than a very special cake for her very special day and now there was no time to start over. How could I possibly extricate myself from this impossible situation and how gay of a thing did I actually have to do as part of a potential solution. Come back soon for the 2nd installment!!