The Di-efication of Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson was first and foremost a superb entertainer. He could sing really well and dance even better and in tandem with the more talented Quincy Jones came up with one of the best pop albums of all time. Second and foremost he was a tragic figure, a nutcase, a drug and alcohol abuser, and a pedophile. There may have been something weird going on with that chimp too.

Now he's dead and though everyone is expressing shock it seemed kind of inevitable. Despite a projected comeback there was really nowhere left for him to go.

We all know the sad tale, we know about the avaricious, abusive dad, hawking some Blue-ray product on the BET Award red carpet only days after his meal ticket had died. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7im37UtGHkA Looney tune times to be sure but what are we to make of the massive outpouring of grief, mourning and reverant celebration? Puff Daddy (P Diddy?) or as my good friend Troy Huber refers to him; Pap Smeary, even went so far as to suggest that MJ had some degree of responsibility for Obama getting elected. I didn't hang around for the logical explanation. (I'm thinking it may have had something to do with chaos theory in which case I too am in some way responsible ).

Anyways, now we are being subjected to the traditional media orgy in symbiosis with the throngs who hold vigils hoping against hope to be asked a question by a TV reporter.

Tha over reaction to Lady Diana's death has now become the gold standard and Americans will seize upon any opportunity to try to better their former colonial masters in the self flagellating, satcloth (CORRECTION!! the previous word should actually have been Sack cloth. "Satcloth will remain in this post only as a reference for the pedantic and self-laudatory comments that followed) and ashes department.

These people are in fact mourning their own lives, a sad sign of the times. back in the day this kind of thing would never have happened, and would be unheard of today if only more people would believe in our Lord Elvis!

Fallen Victims

Quite a day, quite a week. This may be far from the proper forum for discussion of varying degrees of tragedy but is after all my forum so....let's go!

For people of my generation that's two icons of our youth gone in one day: Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Both in their own way were tragic figures and victims; Jackson supremely talented and troubled, Fawcett supremely beautiful, in the end a surprisingly good actress,the inventor of mall hair, and winner of the Eberhard-Faber "Nippy" Award (for most outstanding nipples) so many years running that they finally decided to can the ceremony and grant her victory "in perpetuity". Propriety prohibits me from providing any links to this natural phenomenon nor would it be wise of me to suggest typing "farrah fawcett nipples" in the search window of an unfiltered Google images. Not today anyways.

You couldn't help but feel bad for both of them...MJ was designed by his abusive dad to be a creature, not of this earth, but of the stage and Farrah, despite bouts of bizarreness, was finally taken seriously in her career only to be felled by cancer.

Tragic yes but the real tragedy is going on in Iran....not time for me to pontificate, just check the internet for reams of brilliant prose, gut wrenching and inspiring images and tales of people martyring themselves for the very things that we take for granted: http://shooresh1917.blogspot.com/

At times like this it's easy to long for simpler, sepia toned days: a healthy Farrah Fawcett, a 10 year old, black, Michael Jackson, and a pre-Mohammedan Persia....maybe somewhere this still exists.






















Speaking of tragedy, how about the US Republican party?
Another day, another sex scandal, this one involving South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, a potential 2112 presidential hopeful : http://www.examiner.com/x-3555-LA-Independent-Examiner~y2009m6d25-Mark-Sanford-wonders-how-do-you-solve-a-problem-like-Maria

The same old story you've all heard a thousand times before: head of state goes AWOL telling no one of his whereabouts other than a cryptic "I'm going hiking in the Appalachians", taking off for a 5 day tryst with some hottie in Buenos Aires then sneaking back home only to have is ingenious plan ruined by some nosy bitch of a reporter...ho hum.






There....I got my "Sanford and Sin" joke in 10 minutes before the Daily Show (I think they'll be going in this direction).












(with apologies)

0% Financing and a Guaranteed Spot in Heaven *

(*subject to life review. based on availability at time of actual entry. good works will not be taken into account. those of the more ancient mid-eastern faiths are ineligible as are residents of Quebec as stipulated in bill 75.2a)

As we are all well aware, the U.S. auto industry is in a shambles and teetering on the brink of catastrophe. The reasons are many: American complacency, Japanese ingenuity, German ingenuity, Korean ingenuity, Swedish ingenuity, Latvian underhandedness, and the solution thus far has been to throw piles of tax payer money at 2 of the Big 3 auto giants, GM and Chrysler.

Indeed, the latter company, now in 4th place among car manufacturers has partnered with Fiat after declaring hubris, I mean bankruptcy, earlier this spring.

Chrylser in paticular has tried all sorts of stop gap measures and gimmicks over the years but those days are gone says Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne; "We are very happy to be back in the US market, so different from Europe but in many ways the same. Nothing the company has tried over the past 30 or so years really ever worked, with the possible exception of the air rifle give away, so we will be instituting a revolutionary policy shift and shall be announcing an important new partnership in the coming days!"

Of course here at The Blob we have sources who do our bidding (yes, the winged monkeys) and I've got my hands on the latest campaign....there will be some major retooling, and in ways that you can scarcely imagine. Here, have a look:

Let's get real. Maybe we here at Chrysler did get a little too big for our britches. Maybe somewhere along the way we got lost and in doing so have only ourselves to blame now that we've fallen on hard times. By teaming up with Fiat and paring down our operations we will be making major strides to remedy the situation but today Chrylser is proud to announce an important new partnership and a rebranding that fits with the American vision. We've gone upstairs, to the big man himself, as almost any troubled soul would do when nothing else seems to work.

Welcome to Christler....pray with us!!!"

Anything You Can do I Can do Bitter

Experts Recommend Classifying Bitterness As A Mental Disorder

Arlington, VA (AHN) - Mental health experts are recommending the reclassification of prolonged bitterness as a mental disorder.
The mental ailment is described is a pathological reaction to one negative life event like conflict at work, being laid off, divorce, ailment or separation in which the victim views the event as unjust and a violation of his basic belief and values.

Dr. Michael Linden, the German psychiatrist who named the behavior, explained to CanWest News Service, "People feel wronged, humiliated and that some injustice has been done to them... The critical part is this lasting and very intensive emotional embitterment, a mixture of depression and helplessness and hopelessness.... It's a very nasty emotion." http://www.calgaryherald.com/Health/Bitterness+touted+sanctioned+mental+disorder/1649023/story.html

I usually think of bitterness as one of the 4 tastes that we can perceive along with sweet, salty, and sour. The supposed 5th taste or "Umami" is a bogus attempt by the Japanese to assert their self-proclaimed sensory superiority over those of us in the West....or is it?
Umami is produced by Glutamic acid, also known as "xianwei" to the Chinese (literally; "Fresh Flavor"...which just turns out to be the name of 17% of all Deejays) This so called flavor, meaty and savory, actually has specific taste receptors on our tongue.
Big deal!! I bet there are thousands of receptors all over our body that we have yet to discover. Wait!!!...I just invented a new flavor
so now there are 6. It's called Steven and is reminiscent of the flavor of high school gym clothes.(it's a long story which I won't be discussing here, so I was f***ed up in high school...sue me!!!)
Thanks to the discovery of "umami" in 1908, by a Japanese scientist working with seaweed, we now have MSG. Those headaches and that mysterious white rash on your tongue after eating oriental food...thank the Japanese!!

But enough about taste. The bitterness referred to in the article is a whole other story. We all know a bitter person or two and are they fun to be around or what???

Whereas someone like myself may feel that life is too short to harbor this type of resentment the bitter person feels that life is too short because there is not enough time to right wrongs and get back at all those who have caused him harm. This is why the older an embittered person gets the worse the problem becomes. We all know about the biological clock but this is more a psychological timepiece and one of the few human processes that can ripen and mature well into the 80's.
I'm glad bitterness is finally getting it's due and officially achieving recognition as a treatable condition. All those years of languishing in unofficial limbo....somehow I'll never be able to forgive the bastards and assholes who were responsible for this!

Making the Cu t

Eaton Beaver said...
Dear Blob,

Thank God you're back! I have been trying to talk my girlfriend into getting a Brazillian wax, but she is hesitant and thinks it will hurt way too much. Normally I wouldn't care, but she's Greek you see, and needs some serious bushwackin' if you catch my drift. What can I say or do to convince her?

Yes Eaton, looks like I'm back in the nick of time, heaven forbid you should choke on a pube!!
There's no getting around it; a Brazilian wax job hurts, especially for those women who happen to be members of the more hirsute ethnicities. Take a look at the following video and give pause for a moment's thanks as you watch this parade of intrepid gals taking one for the team.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKRKo113xwA
That being said I do appreciate your concern and have been working overtime to help find an answer. My researchers (a crack team if ever there was one) have come back with what promises to be a virtually painless solution and have found me a new sponsor in the process!!



Intimate grooming has long been a concern for many women and here at Groomsman Inc. we've been catering to your depilation and lawn care needs since 1955. 25 years ago a revolution in miniaturization allowed us to shrink down our basic technology and bring our fine products literally "from the back yard to the front door!"
Now thousands of husbands and non-militant lesbians swear by our products as do multitudes of women who still nurse the scars of Brazilian waxings gone wrong.
You'll turn this:

Into this:


in no time!!!