....and Nothing but the Spoof

After a successful transition I'm ready once again to make contact with the outside world. We'll soon be heading off to the weekly Millarville Farmer's Market with it's heavy Mennonite (Prairie Hassid) representation. If we get there early enough we may even get our hands on some world famous Mennonite green onions....you've no doubt already heard the catchy slogan; "Until you've tried a Mennonite Green Onion, you don't know from green onions!!"

Anyways, being separated from the rest of humanity has it's good points but posting on this crude and archaic computer hook-up is a true challenge ("Pedal faster honey, we're losin' the connection!!") Nevertheless, I've managed to keep abreast of world events and here's something that's caught my eye in the wake of the whole Obama/Blitt/New Yorker cover brouhaha.

Radovan Karadzic, the former 1st president of Republika Srpska has been caught after 13 years in hiding. While a fugitive he worked at a private clinic in Belgrade under the alias Dr. Dragan David Dabić. In 2007 he lived in Vienna under the name Petar Glumac posing as the Croatian seller of herbal solutions and ointments and is now fighting extradition on the charges of war crimes and the unlicensed selling of ointments, both punishable by death.

The upcoming trial will be a difficult affair for world court prosecutors. Karadzic is crafty and well informed. Aware of the New Yorker controversy he has chosen a novel defence and will claim that he was merely satirizing Slobodan Milosevic, himself a war criminal and ex-president of Yugoslavia. "What...you don't get it!!??!! It was satire I tell you!!" he exclaimed to the press minions as he was being escorted to a holding cell. Now comes word that holocaust denier Ernst Zundel will be using the satire defence to win Canadian repatriation so here on the home front I've decided to get in on the fun and have been satirizing the loathsome behaviour of your typical lazy, patriarchal, boor (oh, how I hate them!!). For four days running I haven't lifted a finger and have done much bellowing of orders from the comfort of a large sofa. My behaviour is so over the top that Phyllis, a clever woman, is surely in on the joke even as she stoops to pick up my haphazardly strewn underwear or prepare me another meal (more bacon you bitch!! LOL).

Phyllis is out back near the tool shed cleaning up a mess I made earlier (oops!! LOL)...looks like she's sharpening the pick axe and talking to herself. Maybe I'll have her split some logs for a romantic fire this evening. I'm so glad she understands satire!!

Alberta Bound (and Gagged)

For Blobophiles the summer is always a double edged sword*. The early days are a bonanza marked by my lack of gigs and the consequential bounty of posts. Then comes August and my annual pilgrimage to Alberta where I have access to the internet through an archaic dial-up connection. This coupled with the fact that I'll be spending a lot of time catering to the varied whims of my girlfriend means sporadic posting at best.
Of course this is all very exciting for yours truly as expressed by Blob mascot Slimy (the dog vomit slime mold) but after months spent building my readership I can't help but feel a tad remorseful.


Taking a cue from Larry King who is often absent from his own CNN show, I invited Troy Huber to guest host The Blob and had him send in a test post as a kind of audition. He decided to do a send up of the Katy Perry hit song "I Kissed a Girl", (recently skewered on these very pages) and sent along this:

Thanks Troy but I'm sorry, I don't think this is going to work out. Besides, with all the camping you do (outside theatres prior to summer blockbuster releases) they'll be precious little time left for you to devote to The Blob. I'll just have to do what I can from afar.

Farewell and, in my absence, if any of you want to do a complete renovation of my home......just a thought. If you do though, feel free to help yourself to any of the condiments in my fridge (mi catsup es su catsup....sorry).

*Double edged sword: As I wrote that metaphor it occured to me that it didn't make any sense in that the definition; something that can be good on the one hand but bad on the other, didn't seem to apply to a sword that could do harm with either edge.

Of course, this being the internet age, the answer was only a click away and others had voiced similar concerns. The answer lies in the fact that there is a rare second layer of meaning. The double edged sword "cuts both ways" and with that I was satisified and went on about my day.

Maria Callous says:

How is it that we've been spending so much time on T & A (and politics, for some reason), that we've forgotten completely about E!! I hate to be the one to bring this up, but there's a significant lack of Euph(onium) around here.

True enough, with all the goings on I've neglected the euphonium and low brass in general....the very element that has made The Blob such a hit in Bavaria and the stupider parts of Great Britain.

As luck would have it I've got an in with controversial illustrator Barry Blitt who sent me a rejected New Yorker cover that was seen as way to incendiary by editor in chief David Remnick: "The low brass lobby is very powerful and not very subtle when displeased, frankly I was terrified of the consequences of going with this image so we agreed that a Bin Laden/burning flag substitution would be less problematic."

Here's the rejected cover Maria...happy??

Blitt's Krieg

Walk by any newsstand today and you'll see the latest edition of the NewYorker with it's controversial cover art by friend and Blob contributor (under numerous aliases), Barry Blitt.

This is my blog, I don't have to pull any punches soooo...anybody with half a brain can look at the drawing and see that Blitt is satirizing the ridiculous, insidious attacks on the Obama's that have been ongoing for months. It's over the top and funny (to me at least).

These images and rumors have made it to mainstream media so we're not talking about the blatantly racist lunatic fringe that would show Obama with a noose around his neck or as a monkey...old, disgusting, images that are even too vile for FOX News. Instead we've gotten insinuations based on nothing: His name, carefully enunciated on right wing talk radio is Barack Hussein Obama (they love the Hussein part!!) so he's a Muslim, the fist bump with his wife was a terrorist gesture, she used the word "whitey", he doesn't always wear a flag lapel pin (where does his allegiance really lie??), he wore a traditional African costume in 2006 (SEE....he is Muslim!!). Blitt puts it all there on the cover and is now in the center of a raging shit storm recieving hundreds if not thousands of hate emails and the occasional threat. Just google blitt-obama or some variation on that theme and see for yourselves. It's fascinating and disturbing to see the very wide spectrum of (mostly negative) opinion and amazing to see all the ink this is getting in the States at a time when there are about 10 issues of vital importance that should be getting a lot more scrutiny than this drawing.

I think Americans love this shit because it gives them a chance to divert their thoughts and actions away from the painful truth.

For Barry Blitt the shit is hitting the fan today. For the rest of the nation, content to quibble over meaningless minutiae, that day is not far off.

Oh yeah.....I'm thinking of setting up a series of safe houses for him and his family and call on all Blobophiles to chip in. He cleans up after himself and can be sociable with the proper medication.

Curiouser and curiouser

The title of this post (borrowed from Alice in Wonderland) refers in this case to this video entitled "I Kissed a Girl", a current smash hit by somebody named Katy Perry. I'm afraid that poor Alice, for all her fictional mis-adventures, would be hard pressed to navigate through the strange, real world that young girls and boys inhabit today.

While the song and accompanying video are clearly a blatant attempt at titillation, boundary pushing, and cashing in on the whole faux-lesbian chic craze, the affair leaves a bad taste in my mouth (GOD you guys are so immature...you know what I mean!!).

I'm of two minds on this issue but first let's take a look at some of the lyrics:



Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent


I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it


The party pooper in me is getting all bent out of shape by the poor grammar and ridiculous message, telling young girls that changing sexual identity can be a fleeting kick, like trying on a new pair of shoes or a nifty strap-on. It also helps if this behaviour is alcohol fueled (your "out" position) and at a party or club (major league attention!!).

The typical guy in me (with apologies to author and Analrapist Tobias Funke) can't believe that women have fallen for this once again. It's clear that men have financed and encouraged this song and are overjoyed that our fantasies are becoming acceptable and commonplace. If girls continue to believe that it's OK to get naked and/or make out with each other in public then who are we to complain. This is some kind of golden age...perhaps it's best to just sit back and ogle, to blithely enjoy the spectacle as civilization implodes. And talk about product placement......Cherry Chapstick sales have gone through the roof!! Company execs are tickled pink and are already cashing in.

Remember guys; Mum's the word!!

The Yellow Menace

Quebecers finally get their yellow margarine


MONTREAL -- Quebec is about to become a little less distinct. Le Soleil reports that the provincial cabinet has quietly killed a longstanding regulation that prohibited margarine manufacturers from colouring their product a buttery yellow.
The province had been the last front in Canada's margarine wars, which pitted a protectionist dairy industry against canola farmers and multi-national margarine manufacturers. For margarine consumers here, it has meant starting their mornings with an unappealing white spread -- think lard on toast.
Ontario repealed similar restrictions in 1995, but Quebec had stubbornly resisted. In 2005, margarine manufacturer Unilever Canada Inc. lost a Supreme Court challenge of Quebec's ban. Unilever had argued in part that prohibiting yellow margarine infringed on its "commercial freedom of expression." etc.etc.

With the stroke of a pen the 100 year old, sometimes acrimonious, always ridiculous battle between the Quebec Dairy lobby and the rest of the world has come to an end....or has it??
For ages we've heard the arguments: Consumers will be confused by yellow margarine and buy it when they in fact meant to buy butter, thereby reducing dairy sales which would have a devastating socio-economic ripple effect throughout the province.


Today, finally, some of our elected representatives are trusting that we, the fat buying population of Quebec, aren't total cretins and will be able to tell the difference. I feel like I did on that wonderful day when my parents first gave me the car keys and let me go (minutes before I scraped against the illogically placed mailbox).

I've already zipped off my idea for a new ad campaign, a twist on the famous "butter scene" from Bertolucci's Last Tango in Paris (watch it here if you must)http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=yNjF8otfUQs
and I'm hoping to hear from my pals in the margarine biz real soon.

Unfortunately this is Quebec and while I remember having to grow up in a world where, for a time, my dingy white spread came with a little packet of yellow food dye that we were supposed to mix in (I still recall my Mom sitting me down to explain the dye after I asked her about it and the sting when she told me the truth about how we were different) there are many other people with even better memories. For these people who want Quebec to be a seperate country, allowing our margarine to look like the margarine in the rest of Canada is yet another step towards cultural annihilation, greasing the skids and making a slippery slope that much more slippery.
Tomorrow, in the national assembly, some opportunistic, podium pounding, politician will rise and make an impassioned plea for a return to grey oleo. Don't ask where today's patriots are...they're right here in Quebec making sure we don't mistakenly put margarine on our "beignes Juif" (Literally "Jewish donuts" * the official translation, courtesy of the Office de la Langue Francaise, of bagels)

*Ed. Note - The O.L.F. suggested that translation during a more radical phase of it's existence. It has since softened it's stand and now accepts the more reasonable but still quite silly "baguel".

Helping Kids Cope

This is another post in The Blob Scholastic Outreach series that has been so popular with adults and kids alike.

Children today have great difficulty (perhaps moreso than at any time in history) negotiating the treacherous minefield that is their parent's lives. Not only are divorce rates skyhigh but alternative sexual lifestyles are becoming almost normalized, at least here in the West.

A sensitive child may be well aware, on some level, that there are problems in the home but only has remedial understanding of what are often complex issues. More certain still is the fact that that he/she doesn't yet possess the coping strategies and that's where the Scholastic Outreach series hopes to be of help. We've already dealt with bedwetting and homosexuality so let's move on.

Just yesterday, as you'll see in this link, a "man" now named Thomas Beatie gave birth to a cute little baby girl. He'd been a woman who had a sex change operation and kept the womb but.....just watch the video:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2247089/Pregnant-man-Thomas-Beatie-leaves-hospital-after-birth.html

Transgenderism is today accepted as a fact of life, just another stop along the continuum that is human sexuality, but how to explain this to our children. Prolific author David Jerome (you may know him from the Turd Stuffington adventure books) has penned an insightful, gentle, an truthful recounting of one family's journey from mom, dad, and child to sort of mom, dad, and child after Theresa (the mom in question) had gender re-assignment surgery to become a male.

It's compelling reading and treats a difficult subject with a sensitivity that will be most beneficial for those of all ages.

Whether you're dealing with the transgender issue or not this is a fascinating story and will make a worthwhile addition to your home library.

Gneiss Cock!!

Granite slab with image of Jesus to be donated to church
12:00 AM CDT on Saturday, June 28, 2008
By DAN X. McGRAW / The Dallas Morning News

John Ganster has watched cars creep, crawl and park in front of his East Dallas stone company as their occupants try to catch a glimpse of a granite slab stained with what some think is an image of Jesus.
"Some customers and people have just wanted to take a look for themselves," said Mr. Ganster, a co-owner of Verona Marble Company.

At first, no one at the company noticed the image, Mr. Ganster said. Then a customer called and asked about buying the "Jesus slab," a 1,000-pound hunk of granite that comes from Brazil.
"We said, 'What are you talking about?' " he said. "We went to see for ourselves."
The stone had been in the company's Tulsa, Okla., store. It was moved to the Dallas office in December, after builders in the Tulsa area kept passing on it because of cosmetic imperfections.
"That's kind of ironic," Mr. Ganster said. "Christ said that he would build his church on the stone that the builders rejected."
The company hopes to donate the stone to a Catholic church in Oklahoma. The church could then use it as a fundraiser or as part of a building.
"This came to us for a reason," Mr. Ganster said. "I don't know why, but it did."

For a video look at this fascinating story that is more about the power of suggestion than anything else have a gander at this:

http://www.dallasnews.com/video/index.html?nvid=258565

These images are always Rohrschach inkblot tests but on a larger, more public scale. People make of them what they will and religious figures are often at the top of the list. When I look at the section of granite which I have reprinted, cropped from the original larger slab, but otherwise competely untouched (I swear!!) I can just make out a Jesus -like figure or maybe Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes, perhaps it's a medieval knight clad in chainmail or a British judge in wig and robe.

Whatever the case, all these images have one thing in common; look back up top....there....right in the middle...that thing that looks like a huge dick. Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't it seem almost impossible to miss?? I mean, it's right there, clearly delineated and even appears to have balls. And it's not just a penis but an erect one...rock hard (sorry) and, contrary to those who believed that Jesus had a liberal bent, it's quite clear that he leaned to the right.

If you want to be mean you'll tell me that you see no such thing, that I'm phallicly obsessed and should seek counseling but I'd spot such a cruel prank a mile away. Anyways, If it is Jesus it looks like even he has decided to cash in on the whole internet porn thing. Look for church attendance to rise in the next little while. Jesus: prophet....perhaps, son of God....who knows, marketing genius....definitely!!