A Blob Editorial: Treat or Trick??

Another government budget, another few bucks tossed our way. I suppose we should be grateful....the way your dog would be after he pulled you out of your burning house and you gave him a milkbone. I can hear the pols in the back rooms of parliament; "Most people don't really care about Afghanistan or global warming...just throw them a few bucks and quicker than you can say majority government we'll have a lock on this place!!"

This semi-annual exercise in fiscal cynicism is little more than a carnie scam where we cheer the good news at getting a percentage point here and another half there only to have it clawed back during the year with a new (and environmentally friendly) green tax and the "one-time-only" emergency infrastructure/healthcare/Bombardier bailout surtax.

If, despite this scenario, we do manage to come out ahead this extra money usually goes to pay back debts or do some long delayed home repairs which leaves us more or less right back where we started.

My hat goes off to those disciplined and lucky enough to be able to put some money aside. the vast majority of North Americans, no matter what the tax bracket, have become addicted to spending more than they have.

I'm no economist but I'd like to propose what I call The Blob Theory of Napkin-based Fiscal Responsibility. Allow me to explain:

It occurred to me one day as I sat alone finishing up lunch at a local restaurant that my table was quite a mess. Each table had it's own napkin dispenser and mine was now half depleted with the rest scattered on and around my empty plate. Another nearby restaurant that I frequented would only give you one somewhat larger napkin and getting another was often more trouble than it was worth, especially at the lunchtime rush.

In the "dispenser" type eatery I felt no qualms about using one after another...after all I did have an almost limitless supply. With the one napkin I was much more frugal; using it less often, unfolding it in search of clean areas, and even reusing certain spots that weren't too befouled with gravy. The meal tasted every bit as good and my hands and face were just as clean even with the paltry resources. "This must be how smart people approach money!" I thought. "Even when they have a surplus they act as though there's a shortage."

Thanks to the lowly napkin I figured out how to successfully manage my finances and one day when I have some cash I intend to put this theory to the test!!

An Important BLOB Message to Young Women Everywhere: Stop Bitching!!!

Earlier this week a young female contributor posted a rallying cry in my comment section trying to stir other women readers of The Blob to rise up against some perceived menstruation-related slander and the so called laughing boy mentality. Days later, the silence is still deafening, no hate mail in retribution, no burning sac of bloody tampons on my doorstep and no mystery as to the apathetic response. What today's younger generation of women may fail to understand is that the war of the sexes is over. Sure there's still the occasional skirmish but the major battles were fought by your mothers and aunts in the days when just wanting to be addressed as Ms. instead of Miss or Mrs. created a storm of controversy. You've come a long way baby (to quote an old cigarette commercial). Just look at a snippet from an article in this week's news:

When Discovery arrived at its destination, Commander Pamela Melroy was welcomed aboard by Peggy Whitson, Ph.D., the first woman to ever lead the International Space Station. This female tour de force in the male dominated field of test pilots and astronauts sends an unmistakable message to young women that ''girls are good at math,'' and ''girls can do anything.''




So there you have it....women (with the exception of the approx. 90% who hail from the so-called backwards nations) have never had it so good!

Author David Jerome of the fabulous "Turd Stuffington" series of adventure books for boys agrees wholeheartedly: "I was part of the space program, briefly, in the late 60's and this of course was my inspiration for the Stuffington books. To say that it was an all boys club back then is putting it mildly...they might as well have tacked some crude no girls allowed sign to the front door!" chortled the trim scribe. "It was a macho atmosphere for sure but not without it's fair share of well closeted gay men, or so the rumor has it. Aparrently Buzz Aldrin got his nickname from the vibrator-like sound you'd hear whenever he was in the flight simulator with Eugene Grissom. The boys started calling it the flight stimulator" chuckled the mustachioed raconteur. "I mean...there were a whole lot of type A men in close quarters for days or weeks at a time. Some days it got to be a real snake pit or should I say cockpit!!" guffawed the well tailored wordsmith.

It almost goes without saying that women have made huge advances since those days. Men and women who slugged it out back in the day still carry the scars and are by and large too weary to be moved by any overzealous call to arms. Girls today should focus instead on the basics: finding a good job, a good man, having kids eventually, keeping the job, and travelling a bit. The 60's were tough, fun, and heady times but none of us want to go back there.

One more thing; in lieu of payment for his interview I agreed to place an ad spotlighting David Jerome's latest book. I also went off topic in light of JK Rowling's outing of her Dumbledore character and asked about Turd Stuffington's sexuality. Jerome was forthright and confirmed my suspicions....Stuffington is as straight as they come (phewww!!)

A mining expedition on Anulus 5 has gone horribly wrong killing hundreds. A toxic slime has seemingly infected the main shaft and all the artificial probes have mysteriously malfunctioned. Now Turd and his crew must probe the shaft themselves. Will they survive???

The Land of the Fat

Who's the fattest of them all? We are
63 nations studied. Survey excluded our hefty U.S. neighbours
TOM SPEARS,

CanWest News ServicePublished: Tuesday, October 23
Canadian adults, both men and women, are the most obese in a survey of 63 nations that raises new health warnings for our country.



That this survey didn't include the U.S. of A should immediately set off the alarms (No, that sound doesn't mean the fries are ready) and make even the least sceptical among us question its accuracy. The article quoted above does go on to say that the actual Canadian obesity rate is around 22% (compared to the survey's 36%) and the U.S. rate is 33%. Both are alarmingly high but at least we have a few belt notches to go before we catch up to our portly neighbours to the South.

For those of us trying to lose a few pounds and bring down the national average the mixed message gauntlet is both bewildering and daunting. Never before have we been so well informed about the ill effects of overeating nor has it ever been easier to pig out. Add to this dichotomy the relentless bombardment of ads, the 100s of millions of dollars spent by major corporations to convince us that their concoctions of small amounts of protein smothered in salt, fat, sugar, and processed flour are good for us and it's no wonder we're in this mess.

All fast food restaurants serve salads now but hardly anyone actually buys them. I think corporate psychologists have determined that corpulent consumers feel better just knowing a salad is available as they wolf down their Big Mac or Triple Bypass Bacon Burger....the very same motivation that as kids led us to bring our homework on the family vacation only to leave the books unopened. We are being studied, focus grouped, and manipulated to death. The junk food industry is thrilled but so is the diet and health industry who reap the benefits as well. Yo-yo dieting is the best thing that ever happened to all of them so what are we to do in the face of these forces?

Here at The Blob I espouse moderation and balance. For every gluttonous, cheesecake clogged soirée there must some sort of healthful follow up, ideally the very next day (a light salad and some spirited wrestling perhaps) and if you don't yet have to buy your clothes at a special store you're doing OK. If you are on the fat side and want to shed a few pounds you'll need motivation which means you have to be in a positive frame of mind which means you have to feel better than somebody else....this is where the fat celebrities come in!! Find one who's way fatter than you and allow yourself to bask in the idea that despite their massive wealth and fame they would kill to get down to your weight! Get on that stationary bike....Kirstie Alley just had another donut, she's out of control but you're not!! "Oprah can't keep it together...poor, poor, Oprah... time for your walk!!"

There are literally tons of overweight stars but if you want an easy reference guide check out this magazine. Forget Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slimfast etc. Just pick a fat star and let the motivational boost help get you back into fighting trim.

An Autumn's Outing

tbone mikester said...
Dear Blobele-I had the misfortune to play for "The Velvet Fag" (pardon my French, but he was as queer as a three dollar bill, in spite of your memories-just ask his then oh-so-beautiful jolly-roger of a drummer) at the Montreal Jazz Festival. He was the most loathsome human being I have ever played for. A beautiful voice and musical talent do not give anyone the right to behave like an unbridled arrogant asshole. Even a minimal amount of artistic ability should make a person a better human being-to be able to create beauty (a very rare gift) should (hopefully) make anyone a more thoughtful, more perceptive person. The preening, egotistical, sneering, snarling shit-head masquerading as a sensitive artist on that day was an embarassment to musicians everywhere. To end on a happier note; he is dead!!!

I recieved this post from Mikexxxster on the last glorious, warm day of what they now call Indigenous peoples of North America summer and boy was I thrown for a loop.

Wow...Mel Tormé gay and a complete asshole to boot (and he's dead you say!!??!!), I guess I've had my head in the sand. What next? Are you going to tell me that J.K. Rowling outed one of her main characters? (lol)....She did WHAT ????? One sec, I'll be right back............. (cue sounds of frenzied google fact search)

OK, sorry about that. It's unbelievable but true, JK Rowling admitted this week that Albus Dumbledore is gay and I suppose all the signs were there. He was after all "head"master (helllooo) and at a school seemingly named after an anal sex related STD ("hawg warts"?....heLLLOOOOOO) but most importantly he was the top wizard and like most literary and screen wizards before him had many of the trappings of a stereotypical gay man. From the Wizard of Oz to Uncle Arthur of Bewitched we've seen it all before; the confirmed bachelor, always impeccably groomed, the all powerful wand as a rather obvious phallic symbol, and a personal life that is all but absent from the narrative. Santa Claus has his Mrs. Claus, Fred Flintstone his Wilma but do we ever get to see the better half of Merlin or Gandalf?? Kind of makes you think.

This all smacks of one of the most cynical cash grabs in literary history.

With the Potter series over Rowling knows that the largely childless gay population never really turned up in droves to buy what were essentially her children's books. By rebranding one of her main characters as gay after the fact she avoids the sales losses that could have come from a Christian right backlash (they tried with the anti-witchcraft campaign but that never really caught fire) and she gets to tap into a new niche. What can we look forward to now? Sirius Black was actually Black? Hagrid an orthodox Jew?? Throngs of interested new readers will buy the books looking for the hidden clues that validate these assertions. She's a clever woman that JK and her campaign to be "richer than Oprah by 2010!!" looks to be well under way.

Remembering the Swingin' 60's (objects in rear-view mirror may appear hipper than they actually were)

marty paich said...
Blob,

I'm feeling a little low - been this way since Mel passed - I don't even know if I can still call the Dek-tette a dek-tette without Mel......

(Ed. Note: Marty Paich was a legendary pianist/arranger/composer/conductor who, along with Mel Tormé and the Dek-Tette, helped set the lounge music world afire and were 2nd in hipness only to the even more legendary Rat Pack who's last remaining member, Joey Bishop died earlier this week)

Marty it's great to hear from you and sort of a shocker as well because honestly, I thought you were dead. If you'd gone into hiding and had your people send out a false press release I'd certainly understand what with the court ordered castration but seriously, from what I remember of you in the steam room at Caesar's it was no great loss. Like I used to tell the guys; "Marty's balls were the only thing about him that didn't swing!!"

Anyways, your letter certainly brings back a lot of great memories. How many nights did we hit the 3rd set out of the park and then close the bar at the Monte Carlo room (I'm still waiting for you to spring for a round of martinis, you cheap bastard!) and the time trumpeter Jackie Sheldon spiked your PuPu platter with ex-lax at KonTiki's Polynesian...we all laughed so hard, well let's just say you weren't the only one who crapped your pants that night! And dear old Mel, what a lady killer eh?.....if that guy's dick was an inch less than a foot then I'm the f***ing queen of England. (Remember when I got dressed up as the queen of England and convinced the staff at the Aladdin to comp me the presidential suite for 2 nights...you were my man servant and the 3 hookers were ladies in waiting or something. What a lark!!)

BTW Marty, we all miss Mel. What a talent, what a singer, what a musician!! Lot's of people loved him but few knew his dedication to charitable causes and in particular the World Wildlife Fund. Because of this (and also because of the uncanny resemblance) a recently discovered frog species was named after him posthumously.

Thanks again for keeping in touch and for letting me hang with you guys back in the day. It was heady stuff for an impressionable 10 year old boy and most of the time I didn't understand what you guys were saying or doing but I knew it was important and that one day I'd be the better for it.......I could've sworn you were dead.....

Another World Menopause Day has Come and Gone

I don't know how I let this slip by but Oct. 18th was World Menopause Day. I was alerted to this when I happened upon The View during a furious bout of channel surfing. It seems as though one of the hosts, Joy Behar, is this years celebrity spokeswoman and as such the lucky audience members all got free moisture wicking pyjamas (I kid you not!)

This new product actually dates back to the 60's when NASA was looking for a solution to the heat and perspiration generated by the cumbersome flight suits. This is just another example of how the space program benefits us all.....but back to menopause.

They say that in another 20 or so years there will be more than 1 billion women over the age of 50. The health issues that result from this change of life are important and the time for dialogue is now. While this clearly is a woman's problem in reality there is no such thing. The irritability and loss of libido associated with the ovaries shutting off hormone production (estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, provolone etc.) affect men significantly just as second hand smoke can kill non-smokers! Next year I promise to give all my readers a "heads up" as the big day approaches so we can all find a woman in passage and rub her with ice packs while we tell her how beautiful and vital she is. You may even want to buy her some special pj's.

It's Comeback Time

Everybody loves a good comeback, (and no, I don't mean the witty retort or insult...you argument for euthanasia!!) the riches to rags and back to riches again story that we just can't seem to get enough of. We wilfully participate in tearing down successful celebrities and leaders and then root for them to make it through rehab, jail, community service/admit their true sexual preference/find the Lord and get back to whatever it was that they used to do, ideally to succeed wildly only to hopefully fail again.

Sure this is one of the more pathetic aspects of human nature but I have to admit that I enjoy, for instance, the Oprah "Rollercoaster of Fat" as much as the next guy. I'll begrudge her the billions of dollars and applaud when she wheels out the symbolic wagon of fat to celebrate her weight loss but what I'm really waiting for is the inevitable failure (the latest is being blamed on a thyroid condition.)

I had the great misfortune of watching Britney Spears lastest video; Gimme More (which I believe is in reference to pork rinds) and I'm astounded that it's way up there in the N. American pop charts. It's shot in grainy, grimy black and white and she plays a low class stripper. There's no tune, stupid lyrics, some obligatory rapper...even the lowest common denominator crowd out there should object but no....we want a comeback!

And how about Benazir Bhutto?? Was that a triumphant comeback or what?? Throngs of well wishers and supporters, a spectacular Al Qaeda suicide bombing (the radical Islamic world's answer to the 21 gun salute) all there to herald the return of the once and future leader. From the squalid slums of Lahore to the squalid slums of Karachi the celebration/mourning continues while in the USA voters still gnash their teeth wondering whether they are ready for a woman president. Pakistan is an Islamic state with a sizeable population of radicals. It has nuclear bombs and along with Israel is the most likely place for the end of the world to begin and they're already on round three!!

The more I think about it the more I understand the "comeback" rationale. We all want to believe in the possibility of redemption and enjoy playing God, casting people out of the garden then letting them back in. We probably do this for the karma value hoping for similar treatment when we f**k up. I guess this judging/forgiving attitude is part of being human but with your help we can keep The Blob a judgement free (with the exception of some of my more verbose contributors) zone for years to come!

Today's Word of the Day: PESSARY

dixxx said...
Dear Blob,

Did you know that the first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.?

Leave it to Dixxx, our very own "Crocodile Dung D" to come up with this gem and talk about your crazy coincidences. I just happen to have a small tub of croc dung sitting in my freezer. I procured it at the zoo and used half of it last summer as a poultice for my bursitis (BTW it didn't work...don't believe everything you read on the internet!) . Being a bit of a pack rat I couldn't part with the rest.

The idea of using excrement as a contraceptive intrigued me so late last night I attempted to fashion a condom out of the stuff and failed miserably. Try as I might I just couldn't get the damn thing to stay on or even hold together. Just the slightest twitch sent clumps of it breaking off so after about 5 attempts I said to myself "It's time to pack it in". That was the eureka moment I'd been waiting for!! Of course you couldn't use crocodile shit as a condom, it must have been used as a pessary or vaginal suppository!

Just think about it, 4,000 years ago, the hot Egyptian sun, no pasteurization....as bad as processed croc crap smells today it must have been positively rank back in the day. A small amount of dung, strategically inserted would have dispelled any procreative notions from even the horniest soldier back in town on leave, especially with all the comparitively fragrant camels and goats roaming around.

We may be living in a high tech, fast paced world but we still can learn a thing or two from our distant ancestors.

A Return to my Roots

I never go to synagogue unless invited to work or attend a bar mitzvah and even then there must be a spread afterwards or even better, a cheque. I'm not proud of this nor am I contrite but like other lapsed Jews there is always a smidgen of guilt lurking just below the surface (with each rasher of bacon I stab a dagger right through my Grandmother's heart!!)

The Blob affords me the opportunity for some free self-administered therapy so away I go!!

There are wonderful Jews and annoying Jews, great looking Jews and others who should consider a strategically placed prayer shawl, talented,creative, funny,artistic Jews and a handful of boring nebbishes. (like my Dad's accountant Milton Speiderman...and even he had a movie made in Tel Aviv based on his heroic efforts to balance the books for the NYC head office of Bank Leumi after an embezzlement scandal threatened to scuttle the whole operation.)

The Judaic culture (holidays, meals, comedians) is great but I can do without the religious aspects. If I wanted every little moment of my day spelled out by someone else's arbitrary rules I'd have re-married long ago!!

The food (Oy the food!!) while in no way high end is still delicious and filling. A bite of a smoked meat sandwich or a toothsome knish never fails to satisfy and take me back, at least for a moment, to the old country.

The legions of the self righteous will surely protest: "Judaism (nor any other religion except for Buffeterianism) is not a buffet! You can't pick and choose the elements that appeal to you and forsake the others." and yet this is exactly what many of us do. If it turns out that we're all wrong I guess we'll all be meeting down below one day...I hear they serve a wicked matzoh ball soup!!

The Wedding That Was...A Look Back

As mentioned a couple of days ago, Dixxx (a habitual contributor) finally got married to the radiant Tesssa (his habitual cohabitator). The very nature of a blob-type object is it's ability to shape shift with ease and as such The Blob today becomes something like the social page of your local newspaper.

Despite the gray, cold October day the mood inside the chapel was festive and warm. Good taste and simplicity were the order of the day with Dixxx providing the latter leaving the good taste to be taken care of by others.

The Unitarian ceremony was both moving and inclusive of all faiths. A Torah hung on the wall artfully encased in glass and a pentagram was displayed handsomely not far from the alter. The handful of children in attendance were well behaved but I did detect a few muffled cries during the bloodletting of the goat (a time honoured Bantu tradition). Music was provided by an outstanding brass quintet who hit the only sour note of the entire day by failing to include a euphonium in any of their arrangements. This is not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but when one considers that it was Dixxx's euph sound that first attracted Tesssa to him, as she puts it: "Like a turkey vulture to a rotting marmot in August!" well...let's just say it would have been appropriate.

The reception, held in a refurbished old theater, was the perfect blend of good speechifying, delicious food and drink, and hot babes doing the Macarena. It also afforded me the opportunity to continue researching my next book; Short Like Me. In the grand tradition of John Howard Griffin (Black Like Me) and Tyra Banks; http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=1280787 I managed, through a series of easily reversable surgical procedures, hormone treatments, and several well placed mirrors to appear to be well below 5 feet tall despite my usually robust 5'9".

On this particular occasion I set my sights on a reasonable cross section of the female population with the unwitting participants running the gamut from blonde to brunette, 21 to 46, and coming from different socio-cultural and geographic backrounds. On this special evening and despite my diminutive stature it's readily apparent from even a quick look at the picture that I could have scored with any of them. Only my high standards of journalistic integrity kept me from following through. Sometimes ethical professionalism can be such a buzz kill!! At any rate the wedding was fabulous, the research gruelling yet rewarding and the book should be out in time to stuff those Chrismukkah stockings/support hose ("Oy...again with the phlebitis!!")

p.s. Dixxx the wedding is over, you finally got to do it with Tesssa, now get back here dammit!!!

The Blob Saturday Morning "Barrel 'O' Monkeys"

Hi Kids, Slimy the Slime Mold here to guide you through The Blob's very 1st Saturday morning activity page for all of you out there who are afflicted with ADD.

The Blob is normally for consenting and immature adults so please don't look at the other posts. Hey...just to be on the safe side make sure your parents aren't around. OK???...great then...let's get this party started!!

CRAFT TIME

Everybody go get your crayons and 3 sheets of construction paper but first let's take a look in Dad's tool box...what's that cool noise?? Is Mr. Leamington using his new riding mower? Go take a look but come right back!! Terrific!!

SHORT STORY CORNER - Meet the Smugs

Cindy and Daniel Smug lived in a perfect little house with two perfect little children named Sam and Samantha. One day their cousin came to live with them but just for the summer. He had a note attached to his suitcase and it said: "My name is Riley Wiley and I'm going to live with the Smugs because my Grandma is sick and can't take good care of me anymore. The people at social services said that maybe she'll be better if she rests this summer because Grandma says I'm a handful."

Anyways, Riley at first caused a lot of problems because he was a handful and the Smugs were mad until they realized that he had ADD and got him on ritalin and learned to accept him for his good qualities and everybody learned something and his Grandma got better and she and Riley made Thanksgiving dinner for everybody.

THE END

CARTOON CENTRAL

Everybody loves cartoons, especially really short, action-packed ones that don't have complicated stories. Watch 'em one at a time then go do a few other things, come back a minute or so later and watch another one!! What could be better??? click here for your cartoons: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJYxCSXjhLI

Sorry about that kids...those really sucked didn't they. I suppose I should have checked but I was making lunch while doing a sudoku and texting a couple friends. Maybe you'll like this one more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=575T2V5VJkc&mode=related&search=

Ok, so that one sucked too. Maybe you should all go play outside or something. This is Slimy saying "you're all special, almost all of you!!"

The Social Event of the Season!!

The Blob has been around for almost one and a half years now and has built up a healthy core of around 4 to 6 regular contributors. I'd like to think of these devotees as the life blood of my blog but let's face it...I am. They are however an essential component of what goes on here so I'll graciously concede that they are the very saliva of my blog, welling up and issuing forth with each tasty morsel that I offer.

Although he has been absent of late Dixxx was one of the earliest and most frequent scribes to artfully grace the comment section. I'd like to think that he hasn't abandoned The Blob but has merely been preoccupied for tomorrow, at long last, are the much anticipated Dixxx nuptials. Yes, Dixxx will be marrying Tesssa and I couldn't be more thrilled for the 2 of them.

Here they are in Brazil where Dixxx insisted he looks better without sunglasses and....Jesus H. Christ guys will you get your eyes off the chick in the tight yellow shirt??!!?? (what a bunch of pigs!!)

Let's try that again....

Congratulations and best wishes from The Blob and remember; just because you'll be married doesn't mean you have to stop participating in this blog. Many couples have incorporated The Blob into their pre-sex ritual as an aperitif (and you can trust me on this one). Just a couple of lines from a Turd Stuffington post read aloud to my GF almost always leads to some frolicking in the boudoir. Best of luck to you Dixxx and to Tesssa, the lovely bride-to-be!!

"From Lennoxville to Cowansville is 15 miles" -Tales of a Traveling Musician

Those of you with a good map will realize that the title of this post is off by a good distance. It's merely my take on the famous Alan Squire poem "From Wilverton to Wolverton (is 15 miles)". Squire was a traveling poet (a brief vignette of the master appears above) who's style of free association back in the 1940's paved the way for Ginsburg, Ferlinghetti, and myself. I too will be traveling the next couple of days to points east not to spread the written word but rather to introduce a whole new generation of teenagers to the wonders of the orchestra. 7 school concerts in 2 and a half days is a nice chunk of work and it's importance can't be overrated. Industry analysts contend that providing a positive orchestral experience for today's youth pays big dividends for all concerned. Not in the much cherished potential for a new audience (let's get serious here...this is probably the only live orchestra they'll ever see!) but in a general spirit of good will. The kids get to miss one or two classes and in return one day we musicians may get spared a beating by roving gang members simply by flashing an oboe or any other of the so called "gay" instruments.
While I enjoy the romance of the troubador lifestyle it does mean that I won't be able to Blob for at least a couple of days. This trip is following closely on the heels of Thanksgiving which itself followed Succoth. "What" you may ask "is a succoth??" and who could blame you. Succoth is the Jewish harvest festival which commemorates the annual pilgrimage to the holy temple in Jerusalem where all Jews were obliged to tithe with a percentage of their bounteous harvest and partake heartily in the feast as well.
"...and though shalt remove from thy grainery a portion and carry it thereof, along with all manner of beast and fowl and make thee a route to Yerushalaim and giveth thee of thy harvest. Shouldst the journey be of length then build thee a Succah of lintelwood for shelter and bed thee therein and admonish not thy neighbour should he overindulge and gorge himself in my bounty for I am the lord God and I say unto thee; Let he who is without chins throw the first scone." Eccl. 4:15
Bottom line; a lot of cooking and eating has gone on in the past few days and precious little blogging. Seeing as I'll be out of commission for a while here are a couple of clips to help you pass the time. 1st up is Art Metrano who back in my youth had an entire generation copying his act http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-SNrvHdZJE followed by Brother Theodore, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9OXF3REb7U a curmudgeon who makes noted misanthrope Mikexxxster look like the blessed St. Barnabas himself! A little Norwegian history finishes off the triptych; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ&mode=related&search= See you soon.

Naughty Maria

Blobby, you filthy smut-peddler. I didn't know you could be such a sell-out! Did my story teach you nothing? You must not give your readers, faithful as they are, everything that they ask for. BHB! ....... have you got any priest-on-priest videos?

I addressed Maria's concerns in the comment section and mentioned the unfortunate absence of gay priest videos on the net. I did manage to find a little something that she may find suitable. Maria, a psychologist friend of mine says that women who fantasize about gay priests tend to be a tad cautious about men as GP's are the safest, most non-threatening guys ever!! Any thoughts? comments?

BTW, WTF does BHB mean??

The Road to the Stanley Cup - Hockey's Holy Grail

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When Nuns Go Bad

Italian Archbishop Closes Convent After Nuns Come to Blows

Sep 30 02:53 PM US/Eastern

A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows, press reports said Sunday.
Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior's authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now.

This story is appealing on many levels: the irony,the power struggle, the cat fighting by sexually repressed women but it came as no surprise to those familiar with the goings on at the now infamous convent. My sources in Bari tell me that rumors of debauchery have been swirling for years with tales of drinking, smoking, gambling on dog fights and even the creation of a paramilitary wing by the paranoid Mother superior.

Locals have pleaded with Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri to keep the convent open. "Not much happens in Bari" said greengrocer Alvaro Vizzutti, "the nuns and their lewd ways give us something to talk about and they're good for business. Just last week Sister Antonia came in and ordered 120 bananas. I told her it's actually cheaper to order 144 and she says ``I guess we can always eat the other 24`` It doesn't get any better than that!!"

Alvaro also mentioned that he made 1000 lira at the weekly dog fight that the sisters operate. "They are very crafty" said constable Giuseppe Pandolfo, "The cat fights are one thing but these dog fights are always staged as a kind of parable, good vs. evil, the eternal struggle for our souls. Yes, there is gambling but the money is used for good which is not unlike the game of bingo in American churches, no?"

There is already talk that the World Wrestling Federation

has offered the sisters a contract but at press time this is yet to be confirmed. Reports from Hollywood suggest that the heady mix of religion and violence is the next potential project for well known Cathoholic Mel Gibson. Should he win an oscar it would be a magnificent tale of redemption after a dismal fall from grace. Jerry Bruckheimer is said to be interested in acquiring the rights.