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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Gulf of Messico

In the time it takes to type "BP" enough oil to fill your jacuzzi has blasted out of a drill hole on the sea floor. Under normal circumstances the public would be filled with outrage but during the year 2000, in a remarkable display of marketing foresight, British Petroleum changed their logo from a green shield with bold face, capital letters to a sort of green, leafy, salad with small case letters. It has proven more difficult than expected to get mad at this group of humble veggie lovers.

THE CRISIS SO FAR

No contingency plan was in place for for an event such as this, an event that BP officials assured was impossible (see: Titanic) so now the Louisiana wetlands and fishery are threatened and the plumes of oil seep into the loop current that will gradually spread the oil up the east coast.

All attempts at stopping the spewing slime have failed. The heavy encasement that was supposed too cap the well bombed, the detergent (also toxic) used to break up the oil into little beads was just plain stupid and now there's talk of filling the well with old golf balls, chopped up tires and some sort of thick sludge followed by cement. Given the unprecedented nature of this disaster, none of this has been attempted at depth, ever.

The worst case scenario may end up being the best case scenario; everglades and other wetlands destroyed, east coast beaches befouled, ecological and humanitarian crises of a nightmarish degree and THEN maybe the world will become serious about weaning itself from oil and put the proper amount of money and energy into a viable alternative. With any luck tornados and hurricanes will make things even worse, slathering oil , like globs of sunscreen, all over the fat ass of the US, the American south.


THE BLOB SOLUTION

Warning: the following section is graphic and revolting in nature. The young and the squeamish (not to be confused with the ABC soap opera of the same name) should look away.


This is an advice column so now it's time for me to weigh in.

Other well meaning do-gooders have offered ideas: Using human and animal hair to make booms that soak up or disperse the oil http://abclocal.go.com/wtvg/story?section=news/local&id=7455194 is a quaint and somewhat disgusting notion.
One woman has suggested using specially treated tea bags to do the same thing.
I synthesized the two ideas, hair and tea bags,
( Urban Dictionary definition of "teabag": The act of dunking into or pressing against any object, liquid or bodypart using the male scrotum.)
and discovered that the unshaven human scrotum, with all it's hairy folds and recesses, can mop up an oil slick 8 to 10 times larger than its own surface area!! Teams of appropriately large-balled men straddling low lying catamarans should do the trick. The Danes with their reputed testicular mass and boring, often depressing, Danish lives are ideal candidates.

An even better idea involves cutting our losses. Let's face it, the disaster is upon us and there's no turning back but there is a silver lining.
According to the American Oceanographic Institute of the Culinary Arts, the Gulf is naturally wok shaped and by mid-August it will be primarily filled with oil. It also happens to be the largest shrimp hatchery in the world. Do you see where I'm going with this....a tanker or two filled with soy sauce, a squadron of crop dusters loaded up with 5 spice powder, a lit match, an obese demographic with voracious appetites and voila, the largest stir fry in history!! The shrimp don't go to waste, most of the oil gets burnt off and an economically devastated population gets to hold their heads high once again when the Guinness Book of World Records people come to call as they most certainly will!
Sure this blog is here to entertain but every once in a great while duty calls. I urge all like minded citizens to head south, a brigade of hungry, chopstick toting volunteers that we'll call Appetite for Humanity. Tell 'em The Blob sent you.
Oh yeah, guys...you're welcome to try the first idea as well. If you're worried about your own hygiene there are people already on the ground ready to help with the delicate clean up job. You've seen footage from previous spills...brigades of women with soapy, gloved hands gently massaging the thick oil off of baby otters. You do the math!

18 comments:

Maria Callous said...

Blobber is back with a vengeance! I haven't laughed that hard in literally tens of minutes! And although I like the wok idea, my vegetarianism (ya, ya) is prompting me to opt for the tea bagging idea. If only for the hilarious pictures I could get of thousands of dudes squatting on the Mexican gulf. That would make a good cover for a new Turd Stuffington book: Turd Stuffington's Mexican Nights: A Thousand and One Oily Balls! Our jock straps come off to you Blobby! Keep up the good work!!

Viv said...

Awesome, Blob, you have some great ideas there. Keep 'em coming. I'll be giving them some serious thought as I bask in the music of Mahler throughout the long day today. Thanks!

David said...

Does that mean you will be thinking about oily balls during Mahler 9?

slapper58 said...

Funny you should mention that Davey.
In Mahler's original edition of his 9th symphony there was one of his customary indications of the emotional and musical aesthetic he was going after (during the 3rd movement) that was later removed by an editor at the publishing house. "Wie mit gefetten Kugeln" literally means "as though with greased balls".

Tobias Funke said...

Ready, aye, ready, Capitain Blobeleh!!

In these most difficult times on the Gulf Coast, we must all be ready to do what we can... btw, did you know that BOTH my grandfathers were Danish?

What I'm saying, of course, is that I'm just the man your looking for, Blobbie! AND, I have a beautiful, brand-new pair of leather chaps(!!!), so I'll be able to get "down and dirty" on the beach, and STILL look like a million bucks!!

Yer ol' pal, Toby

Anonymous said...

Does anyone smell I fire?

Tobias Funke said...

BTW Blobber, just one question...

These "brigades of women with soapy, gloved hands gently massaging", etc., etc.; you know, the clean-up after the clean-up... ummm... they're not ALL women, are they? Because, well, excuse my salty language, Blob, but Holy Dinah!!! In this day and age, that just wouldn't be right!

dr.No said...

It takes balls to write something of this caliber ( fairly large caliber ones at that). Move over The Daily Show, take a hike Cobert Nation , here comes the Blobster back in full force. One question is nagging at me though. When you volunteer are you opting for the eating or the beating?

Mikexxxster said...

Well Blob,

According to my watch, your "television story" (as my Grandma would have called it) should be over in a couple of minutes... any plans for a new post?

No pressure, just asking...

Adolph Hitler said...

Schoene Maria!

Bless you for being a vegetarian! You know, all the best people on Earth are vegetarians (except for that disgusting Ghandi and his tens upon tens of millions of ignorant, foolish dupes... I WILL KILL THEM ALL, AS GOTT IS MINE WITNESS!!!)!

Something tells me you are quite tall, have beautiful blue eyes and long, long blonde hair! You want to have many, many kinder, and are a firm believer in "Kirch und Kutchen"... am I right? OF COURSE I AM RIGHT!! I am DIE FUHRER!!!!!!!!!!!

So sorry for that outburst... I get SO ANGRY sometimes... I don't know why...

But, you know, here in Germany, as soon as we are done with the Jews, the Communists, the gypsies and the homosexuals, the "sausage eaters", as we laughingly call all meat-eaters, are next on our to-do list. Oh! How so very exciting, eh, Maria? Ja? JAAAAAA???????????

Maria, you can help by denouncing to the authorities, right now, all the "sausage eaters" you know, or even those "sausage eaters" you might suspect! It is just so easy!! Und... won't you feel so, so gut?

Maria, won't you please help me in this very important project?

Your loving Fuhrer, A H

UnderworldPrincess said...

Sorry folks, we gotta keep a tighter leash on that one... Adolph! Get back down here before Big Papa comes a-huffin' and a-puffin' round your cage looking for his nightly good old-fashioned reach-around. If you're not there by curfew he will be maaaad!

slapper58 said...

OMG, all my old friends commenting and even a new one!! Tobias...Toby, so good to see you back here as ambiguous and closeted as ever. (I know, you have no idea what I'm talking about!)
I'm not too crazy about seeing Adolf Hitler but hey, a reader is a reader. I hear some of the Taliban are big fans too.
Undereworld Princess is back helping me keep the riff raff in line, sort of the way those sucker fish clean the scum off the bottom of an aquarium. Keep on sucking U.P.
And Dr. No....finally some input from an American chick, and we are opting for the eating (not beating). As Canadians we are repelled by violence, except in hockey. I hope you find the Canadian point of view around here refreshing and quaint.
Welcome aboard or welcome back. Let's see if I can keep this going....

Adolph Hitler said...

Herr Slapper58, Fraulein Princess,

You do not understand... no one can understand... all I ever wanted was to paint beautiful pictures in Vienna... but would they let me? NEIN!! THEY WOULD NOT!!!... that bit of unpleasantness 70 or so years ago... ach, never mind, never mind... such an old, tiresome story... so.

Ja, UnderworldPrincess, I will be back on time... did I not make the trains run on time (wait, though... that was that schweinhund Mussolini... how he did that I will never understand... boy, what a dumbkopf he was!! Gott in Himmel!! So, so stupid! Hahaha!!)?

Upon my return, you will join with me in a rousing chorus of the "Horst Wessel" song, ja, Princess? I am told that you sing like an angel, und, you know, the melody is quite, quite jolly! It always cheers me so! I will close mein eyes and pretend you are Eva... oh, what fun we will haf!!

UnderworldPrincess said...

I'm really not good with men, Adolph, but my good friend Maria Callous is. So here's a line she swears works for her: FUCK OFF ASSHOLE!!!

Adolph Hitler said...

Oh ho... so... Kitty likes to scratch....... how amusing....!! So like Eva... so, so like Eva......

But perhaps you do not like my choice of song, UnterweltPrincess, ja? Of course, the "Horst Wessel" song is not for everyone... I understand that... please forgive me!

What about Lili Marlene, or Eidelweiss? A good German song, good German company and a bottle of good German schnapps... ach... such happiness!! What do you say?

Oh, but do you know the so achingly beautiful "October in Dusseldorf", Princess?

A darkened sky,
The rain-soaked streets,
Our old cafe
With empty streets...

Yet the man with his euphonium
Played on...

His tattered hat
Upon the floor,
I tossed a mark,
I had no more...

Well... (sniff)... high art indeed, don't you agree, Princess (sniff)?
You know where to find me, of course...
A H

slapper58 said...

"Our old café with empty seats" was the original line Adolf. You're still screwing up even in the after-life only this time you can't kill yourself. Suicide is what's known as "a one shot deal".

Viv said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
slapper58 said...

Viv said she liked my "one shot deal" joke and then inexplicably removed the comment. Could've been demands made by a jealous husband, we may never know....