Imagine this setting; A sultry Montreal night, 30 or so people gathered in a visual and aural gem of a small chapel to hear artfully interpreted baroque music for 2 violins and guitar, a thoroughly enjoyable 1st half and then, post-intermission, all hell in it's own freakish and maddening way, breaks out.
Someone had taken my seat so I moved across the aisle to a pew who's only occupant was a very attractive woman, unfortunately she didn't return for the 2nd part. Still...a pew to myself, an aisle seat at that and an empty row in front of me. Let the show commence!!
"Not so fast" said God as he sent yet another trial my way, this time in the form of a couple of very-much-in-love, fat cretins. They had been sitting away from me and behind earlier but now they plunked themselves directly in front as the musicians took the stage. I managed to find an acceptable sight line but then the two round, jut jawed, ham fisted (like this guy)
lovebirds started their own show a mere 2 feet from my face.
Whisperings followed by knowing, oily, glances, a fat, raised eyebrow here, a tender rub of the arm or haunch there, a touch to the nose followed by a mimed picking of same nose followed by laughter and an audible slap to the arm, head scratching, incessant program reading (they shared one and it was only one page long), a lull for some hand holding which quickly led to some sort of lover's thumb wrestle.
Changing seats in a such a small and intimate setting wasn't really an option, nor was closing my eyes for an hour. It was technology that rescued me...the powerful combination of my cell phone camera and The Blob's global outreach..... the world would feel my suffering and know of their sinfulness, I would have my revenge!!!
Then I heard yet another voice, it seemed to be coming from the altar!! "Jesus, is that you??" (this guy)
"Yes, my child" answered the voice. "Behold the miracle of love before you. These two lonely, portly souls whom I have joined as one. Look not askance, nor cast ye not aspersions as thou woudst stones unto a sinner for they share with you the mystery and glory of their union. Thou shalt not be given to vengeful acts for that is my Father's dominion and his alone...we have this good cop bad cop thing going!!" "But Jesus" I implored, "come sit a while in my shoes" and at that I felt overcome by a warmth that seemed to radiate outwards from deep within me. (skeptics have attributed this to my Bean 'n' Beef burrito grandé combo) 15 seconds later it had passed and the voice returned. "Jesus??" I asked. "yeah, it's me. On further review, go for it and by the way, my Dad just sterilized her. Up, up and awayyyy!!"