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Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Blob's Revenge

Imagine this setting; A sultry Montreal night, 30 or so people gathered in a visual and aural gem of a small chapel to hear artfully interpreted baroque music for 2 violins and guitar, a thoroughly enjoyable 1st half and then, post-intermission, all hell in it's own freakish and maddening way, breaks out.

Someone had taken my seat so I moved across the aisle to a pew who's only occupant was a very attractive woman, unfortunately she didn't return for the 2nd part. Still...a pew to myself, an aisle seat at that and an empty row in front of me. Let the show commence!!

"Not so fast" said God as he sent yet another trial my way, this time in the form of a couple of very-much-in-love, fat cretins. They had been sitting away from me and behind earlier but now they plunked themselves directly in front as the musicians took the stage. I managed to find an acceptable sight line but then the two round, jut jawed, ham fisted (like this guy)

lovebirds started their own show a mere 2 feet from my face.

Whisperings followed by knowing, oily, glances, a fat, raised eyebrow here, a tender rub of the arm or haunch there, a touch to the nose followed by a mimed picking of same nose followed by laughter and an audible slap to the arm, head scratching, incessant program reading (they shared one and it was only one page long), a lull for some hand holding which quickly led to some sort of lover's thumb wrestle.

Changing seats in a such a small and intimate setting wasn't really an option, nor was closing my eyes for an hour. It was technology that rescued me...the powerful combination of my cell phone camera and The Blob's global outreach..... the world would feel my suffering and know of their sinfulness, I would have my revenge!!!

Then I heard yet another voice, it seemed to be coming from the altar!! "Jesus, is that you??" (this guy)

"Yes, my child" answered the voice. "Behold the miracle of love before you. These two lonely, portly souls whom I have joined as one. Look not askance, nor cast ye not aspersions as thou woudst stones unto a sinner for they share with you the mystery and glory of their union. Thou shalt not be given to vengeful acts for that is my Father's dominion and his alone...we have this good cop bad cop thing going!!" "But Jesus" I implored, "come sit a while in my shoes" and at that I felt overcome by a warmth that seemed to radiate outwards from deep within me. (skeptics have attributed this to my Bean 'n' Beef burrito grandé combo) 15 seconds later it had passed and the voice returned. "Jesus??" I asked. "yeah, it's me. On further review, go for it and by the way, my Dad just sterilized her. Up, up and awayyyy!!"


Chair, Search Comittee, Jews for Jesus said...

Dear Mr. Blob Blobstein,

As you no doubt are aware, Moishe Rosen, the beloved founder and leader of Jews for Jesus, has moved on to his Eternal Reward in Heaven. Happily, He is now with our Beloved Jesus!

The Board of Directors of Jews for Jesus is now in the process of preparing a very short "short-list" of possible successors to fill the vacancy left by Mr. Rosen's untimely passing.

Mr. Blobstein, if I may speak personally, man-to-man, for just a moment... we've been hearing nothing but good reports about you from our operatives in the field... for example, that you consume vast amounts of delicious pork-flesh (delighting especially in bacon, we understand!), often washed down with a frosty glass of milk. That you have dated (with, from what we understand, more than your fair share of success! Wink! Wink!) myriad numbers of beautiful shiksas ("forbidden flesh", indeed, eh, Mr. Blobstein? Well done!)

And now, according to several written reports, Jesus Himself speaks to you while you sit quietly in Church...

Mr. Blobstein, we here at Jews for Jesus feel that you may well be just the man to lead our organization into the 21st century and beyond... with your permission, we will be contacting you to arrange a meeting at your earliest convenience. Thank you in advance for your time.

Praise His Name!

Mikexxxster said...

Hey, Blobber; HELP!!!

Graham James, the notorious hockey coach/sexual predator, a number of years ago was granted a full pardon by our Federal Government...

You know me, Blob... like most people, I have always tried to do The Right Thing whenever I can...

Once, years ago, while waiting for a train in the Metro, I noticed a young couple under the stairs, making out like bandits... no news there, of course, except that the girl was wearing a Muslim head-covering... WELL!! You can imagine my shock and outrage, Blob! As all three of us were "People of the Book", and there being no Imam in sight, it seemed to me that there was only one thing to do... yes, of course...!!! I STONED HER!!! All the while crying, "ALLAH AKHBAR!!! ALLAH AKHBAR!!!" What civilized human being wouldn't have done the same thing???

They arrested ME, Blob, ME!!!! THEY ARRESTED ME!!! And now, decades later, I can't get a pardon... I could diddle teenage hockey players in the shower 'til the Final Buzzer, but doing God's work here on Earth is a Permanent Stain on my record... is that fair, my very well-connected friend?

Blobbie... can you talk to your Buddy Jesus, ask Him to speak to His buddy Stephen Harper, and get me a pardon? Please...???

UnderworldPrincess said...

I could get you a pardon, Mikexxxster, but it'll cost ya....



slapper58 said...

Dear Members of the Search Committee,

Flattering though it is to be considered for such a position I will unfortunately have to decline the offer. I've never combined a glass of milk and a rasher of bacon (feh) and as I've been meeting all sorts of Jewish women of late, the moniker "Shiksa-Bob" no longer applies.
You may want to have a word with your research team. Yes Jesus spoke to me but I was in his house, I was having a rough time, and I think he was just displaying some Christian hospitality.
Besides, you guys are a little creepy. Talk about fence sitters....gimme an agnostic any day!!

slapper58 said...

Dear Buried Beaver,
Sorry but I don't have a direct line. The Lord has been working overtime here with day after day of glorious, mid-summer, weather. He actually managed to send a brief, very localized stormburst to the wealthy, predominantly Jewish enclave of Hampstead and flattened a house with a single lightning bolt. Now THAT guy must've been enjoying bacon and milk!

Dixxx said...

Holy Crap! Six posts in a week! Okay Blob, you have proven yourself worthy of being re-instated onto my bookmarks tool bar, don't let me down. Again.

Yours in Christ.

Mama Callous said...

I don't know, Blob, maybe you should reconsider your decision to reject the job offer the fine people at Jews for Jesus has made to you. You aren't exactly rolling in shekels these days, from what you tell me. Think about it! Just don't tell your Mom.