Preamble from the President of the United States of America:
Why The Blob? Why Valentine's Day? These are questions that would instantly come to mind and let me assure you that I am well aware of this.
Look...The Blob was one of my many grassroots supporters, a blog that backed me 100% after backing Hillary 100% and jumping ship when it became clear that I'd get the nomination. That being said, I have a few thoughts about Valentine's Day that I need to vent, The Blob has an exceedingly small readership so therefore any damage from my possibly incendiary comments will be minimal. Let's begin the interview.
Bl.- Welcome Mr. President, it's an honor and a privilege to have you here and may I add my belated congratulations on your
B.O.- Let's get on with it please...you've probably heard that I'm rather busy these days.
Bl.- Sorry sir. Ok then...I'm just a bit nervous is all (nervous,muffled laughter).
I've heard tell that you have a problem with Valentine's Day...could you elaborate please?
B.O.- Sure. I'm all for celebrating love but it has to be a 2 way street and these days, well, have you seen the commercials on TV? It's always about the man getting something for the woman, never the other way around. I've had a couple of my staffers researching this and they reckon that it's 100% of the ads that skew this way. What are we being told? That women's affection has to be bought with flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, what have you and on the day that we're told?? I haven't bought Michelle a thing on February 14th in years and she's fine with it...trust me on this one.
(Michelle Obama enters office and pulls up a chair)
M.O.- Good afternoon gentlemen (wry wink).
Happy Valentine's Day to the both of you. Barack honey....check under your pillow....you'll be glad you did.
B.O.- What a surprise dear. We were just talking about this special day! But then again I try to make every day Valentine's Day.
M.O.- Not that cop out again. You know that I expect this day to be special darling and I'm sure you're going to surprise me. It's too early in your presidency to be putting our relationship on the back burner and even though you've been fighting like mad to save this economy of ours I know you've taken a couple of minutes to think of me. I'd be pretty upset if you hadn't actually....I'd turn your stimulus package into a severance package if you know what I mean.
B.O.- (nervous, muffled laughter) Well you realize hon that it's not how much you love the people you know, it's how much you know the people you love.
M.O.-President puhleease!!! Spare me the lofty rhetoric....it won you an election but that's about it. I want a dozen roses or some chocolate truffles, maybe a teddy bear on my side of the bed by 9:30 or you can say goodbye to Hot Toddy (ed. note: pet name for her genital area named after Abe Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd) for the rest of this fiscal quarter. (Michelle turns and makes a hasty exit)
BL- As you were saying sir?
B.O.- There's no need to be a smartass now, is there? This interview is over!
BL.- OK Mr. President...I've got a box of chocolates in my car. I bought them for my Mom then remembered that she's a diabetic...OOPS!! (entire room convulses in riotous laughter) Do you want em??
B.O.- Ummm, yeah...sure.
What an interview, what an honour!! I agree that Valentine's day is a crock of shit BUT just to be on the safe side I'm sending out this song to the one I love. I mean every word that these other people have thought of, written down, and set to music. Phyllis...you're the greatest!!!
4 comments:
I fucking hate Valentine's Day. I spent it with a happily married couple and their visiting daughter thinking I could avoid the whole thing.
The only other alternative was hanging with 2 guys whose wives are in Canada and another whose gf just split up with him. I'll be damned, dinner was over by 9 and I got stuck with the boyz anyway!
I wuz happily in my bed launching into a good book when what do I hear? Twittering and mumbling, fumbling and stumbling. The poor bastard whose gf (my new roommate) sent him packing was so fucking hammered he couldn't get up the stairs. I heard a feminine voice urging him to get on his hands and knees and crawl up said stairs.
"O shit! He picked up a chick at Calicoes???" I mused.
She left, thank gawd, guess she does have her standards as we women do. Think reverse boys? You'd have stayed, eh?
I blame this whole thing on fucking St Valentine and urge all to boycott this barbaric, depressive eve!!!
Well I like Valentine's day. I've been single for every valentine's day but one, so I developped a tradition for myself. On valentine's day, I buy myself a bottle of nice wine and a box of chocolates and I dig in! It turns into the best holiday! Anyway, just some food for thought.
Hey, Paradisegirl, I feel bad for you and your hearty dislike of Valentine's Day. Admittedly a stupid, made-up (come to think of it, aren't they all?) celebration, mostly benefiting Hallmark, Valentine's ain't all bad. If you happen to have someone you love in your life, who happens to be a romantic, and you both happen to be off work that day, it can turn out rather well, trust me! (And neither of us bought a Hallmark card OR chocolates Or flowers!)
Dear Paradisegirl,
It's so nice to have you grace these pages once again and I'm glad that things are still fun and lively down in the Turks...why you chose to reside in a frat house is beyond me though.
Alas, there's almost no escaping these intrusive holidays; Valentine's, Christmukkah, Birthdays, Simchas Torah (talk about forced happiness)
If I were you I'd take the advice of the Callous girls and either find someone to love you or do it yourself, or do as I do and combine the two. Come nighttime, you'll sleep better.
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