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Monday, August 02, 2010

Say It Ain't So Benny!!

Benny Hinn said...
Bolivia??? ...What the heck are you talking about, Blob?? Where do you comedians get this stuff?? BOLIVIA?!?!?! That's kooky talk!!! Why, I don't even know where Bolivia IS!


I SWEAR!! So... to summarize... no more goofy, silly, TOTALLY NOT TRUE irresponsible stories about Bolivia (wherever THAT is, and where I've NEVER EVER been)





While I'm flattered to have anybody writing in to my blog I will freely admit that televangelists are not my favorite type of people. They are an easy target and while nothing makes me happier than seeing one fall from grace I must give credit where credit is due. These guys are brilliant scam artists in so many ways. Every bit as egomaniacal as cult leaders but smart enough to avoid the hassle of starting their own religion, they hitch a ride on the biggest cult of all and ride it to glory, wealth, power, sex and all of it tax free! (praise Jesus!!)

They also seem to be making millions of followers happy so what could be bad?? Well, if squeezing money out of poor people is bad then you may have a point (or being cynical, hypocritical, whoremongering, homophobic but gay, crack using, lying, tax cheating messengers of God is bad you have a point too).



So Benny Hinn decides to write in and deny everything. The Blob broke the story about his tryst with a Bolivian woman known to us only as Xochamaro. She's an Indian midget from a mountain village not far from La Paz who travelled many miles by foot for an audience with Hinn hoping that he could bestow upon her the miracle of growth...he kind of did but not quite in the way she expected. She did get a free trip to Nevada though for their so called "consultation" but we don't have the resources here to do a follow up or even to repudiate Mr. Hinn's vociferous denials.

Luckily the National Enquirer is always at the ready to help me out (thanks guys) so go get yourself the latest edition and while I've got your attention, say what you want about Jim Baker but at least he went for a babe in Jessica Hahn to help bring down his empire with a touch of elegance while Hinn and Swaggart...let's just say they could've done better.

7 comments:

slapper58 said...

Editor's Note: We believe he meant Bolivian indigenous little person.

Righteous Soldier #2305 said...

Dear Blob,

the angels do weep for thee in thy lowly and immoral state. To prey upon a soldier of God whilst he is down is truly a sin worthy of eternal punishment. If thou wishest to redeem theyself, just send $14.99 a month to thy local Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Sikh, Hindu, or Bah'ai house of worship and they shallt pass it along to us.

Now that I've done my solemn duty, I will add a personal note: That midget thing was hilarious!

Yours in Righteousness,

#2305

Anonymous said...

I can't help but think that Righteous Soldier #2305 (which, by the way, is an alias, so how can we believe anything s/he says!?) is barking up the wrong tree. I think what s/he doesn't get is that the little midget was first of all, asking for it, obviously! I mean, she came to see the guy in person, what did she expect?? I mean, Benny Hinn?? Everyone knows he's a sleazebag. She was just hoping to become one of his closer acolytes. End of story.

Benny Hinn said...

Look, Blob... Blobbie!... believe it or not, we're both on the same page here! Really! Let me explain...

I love The Blob! Always have!! Here's the thing... I've always been a sucker for maps, for some reason; I find them to be absolutely fascinating! The Sitemeter world map highlighting your readership world-wide was like cat-nip to me... but I couldn't help noticing that The Blob's South American "share" was virtually non-existent... I thought to myself, "what can I, as the world's Most Important Christian, do to help improve this situation, AND win souls for Christ at the same time?" I prayed to God...

It came to me in a flash! Do a series of "Billy Grahams" all over South America, and talk up God and The Blob at the same time! You know, a kind of, "if you build it, they will come", kind of thing... and with my uniquely personal, "hands-on" approach, they came, Blob, oh, how they came!!! PRAISE HIS NAME!!!

I was just trying to help you penetrate the South American market, Blob! That's all I wanted to do... I just wanted to bring souls to Christ and readers to The Blob... if that's a crime or a sin, well, guilty as charged, I guess...

They say no good deed goes unpunished... I guess I'm gonna find out about that... but, as one of my favourite hymns goes, "this one thing I know, this one thing I know... God in His Mercy pardoned me, snapped sins fetters, and set me free..." AMEN to that, brother!

BTW, Blob, that "Christian Soldier #2305" sounds to me like a COMPLETE hypocrite... there's no room for that kind of nonsense in God's Kingdom, I assure you!!!

Benny Hinn said...

One more thing, Blob... boy! That Jessica Hahn was some kind of hot, wasn't she??? Jim Bakker... you da mannnnn!!!!!!!

Yours in Christ,

B H

slapper58 said...

Benny, Benny, Benny....
Not here, not now, not buying the snake oil. No amount of obfuscating, equivocating, or sugar coating can hide the fact that you got caught with your hand in the plantain basket.
Nice of you to claim to have been trying to help out The Blob but I have no use for hypocrites like you. Give me Satan's acolytes any day...at least they're honest!

UnderworldPrincess said...

Amen!