The Blob

The Blob's Garden of Death

2010-09-06T19:01:00.009-04:00

Mama Callous said...
I'm getting sick of opening up the Blob and seeing the nudie photos. Time for new subject matter, Blobby!

I have to agree with you Mom Callous and with that in mind I'd like to try my hand at a different type of subject matter while at the same time alerting my readers to a wonderful new blog; Vivian's Tranquil Garden http://viv-thetranquilgarden.blogspot.com/ If you like tranquility and gardens then this site is tailor made for you!

If on the other hand you are more like me, (I enjoy avoiding gardening year round!) then read on:

The Blob's Garden of Death

Well, another September is upon us and what a lovely time of year it is to sit out in my garden with a cup of warm herbal tea (for those cool mornings) or a glass of Bordeaux. It's a time to mull and reflect upon the season past. As Autumn looms I like to look around me, notice the signs of encroaching death that nature is providing and all the while scan the yard for the many signs of benign neglect and chores as yet undone.

Here is a photograph of my basil failures. This years planting has been co-opted by several spiders who keep the flies (most of them anyways) from birthing their young on the tender leaves. This also make for a very "webby" pesto...not for the faint of heart!

Here's a time saving tip I learnt this past summer. Basil comes in those little plastic things with dirt already in them...they are already planted so why bother re-planting them? (helllloooo) Simply plop them in last year's dead plant and then remove it upon it's own inevitable death to be replaced by next year's version. So simple, so elegant! (Time for a little more Bordeaux.)

Here is my decimated patch of rhubarb. I had to stand helplessly by and watch as hordes of Alsatian stink beetles laid waste to a once healthy crop. Nevertheless there is still the macabre beauty of the leaf hole patterns that are slowly killing the plants.

Still in the realm of the potentially edible are this summers big project; a new planting of raspberry bushes graciously donated by Nora, sister of Vivian, the very same Vivian of Tranquil garden fame!!

I followed all of her replanting instructions to the letter; not burying the "rootball" too deep, scattering compost (comprised mostly of Quebec Classique cigarette butts and other deader plants) in with the newly turned soil and still the plants seem to be withering and dying. I was so looking forward to full bushes heavy with fruit but how was I to know that watering every day actually meant every day!! I just figured it was like the dentist telling you to brush every day...who does that??? ??

Wow, how could that Bordeaux be finished alraedy!! (at least there's still a couple of Heinekens left in the fridge)

Here's another time and energy saver:

Do like I do and let your grass go to seed. I haven't mowed my lawn in a month and the way i look at it, it'll only come back stroinger next year once it self-plants itself or whatever the hel that word is. Amd so what if your loser neighbour has a poerfect lawn and a hot wife. there,s m ore to life than that and I bet the guy,s never finished a sunday times corssword puzzle in his life!! I can't even hear nyself think now with his damn lawn tractor amking all that noise..."Hey buddy!! wanna help with with my crossword puzzle?? 65 down, a four letter word for your wife...starts with C...hahahahah"

geez that was good one. But sertiously , he,sd a great guy!! OK later...time for a nap...

Mainstreaming

2010-08-23T19:35:00.010-04:00

On July 24th I posted a little exposé about the American Apparel company and their use of salacious imagery to sell clothing. This is nothing new and whether overt or subliminal, "sex sells" has long been the mantra of Madison Avenue.

In this, the internet age, the envelope keeps getting pushed and we become a little bit more enured each day. Witness this men's perfume ad by Tom Ford from 2007.

Provocative and titillating, this ad helped successfully launch the product and the actual bottle used for the shoot sold for 7,000 dollars on EBay to some guy in Japan.

Like many companies, the Tom Ford website has cached within even raunchier photographs as was the case with the American Apparel site. By hiding what are to many, pornographic images, within their webpages we are being encouraged to troll around and wallow in their brand's on line environment.

Of course I've dug a little deeper once again. Admen love trends and admen love sex as a marketing tool. They've been focus grouping the following idea to death and now seem poised to unleash a flood of very sexual images on an unsuspecting but primed public. Porn is readily available and ubiquitous so why not use it to sell everything! Not just fashion and condoms but food, medicine, cars...everything and anything.

This overt use of sex and erotica is the holy grail of advertising and by digging around in the back pages of some very reputable websites I've unearthed a treasure trove (or dung pile depending on your point of view) of new and very explicit ads.

THE FOLLOWING PICTURES ARE ACTUAL ADS AND CONTAIN CONTENT THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE...ENJOY!

Not sure if that's actually an x-ray of Boniva spokeswoman Sally Field. Let's just say it is and move on.

A bit esoteric for my taste...I think they are touting the Sienna minvan's spacious interior.
The next 2 are more or less self explanatory. This one borrows directly from the earlier tried and true Ford campaign.

As disturbing as these ads are they pale in comparison to the following ones for Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup and Milk (a variant on their "Got Milk?" campaign)...oh no...not her again!!

My Goodness!!! I thought my decor change would help with the tone around here but honestly... I never knew such filth even existed!! And to think that I just had an ice cold Coca Cola earlier today. Horrors!!

I guess The Blob is just catering to his regular readers, the pathetic Bonemikexxster, the even more horrid Maria Callous and their kind.

Speaking of Maria I happened across a picture of her on FaceBook. Lo and behold she's sporting a lovely new hairdo and she's emulating little old me!! While I don't agree with any of her lifestyle choices I must say that imitation still is the sincerest form of flattery. She's got the hair
(a good brush would help too)...now let's see if she can get the perfectly narrow waste and winning smile!! Good luck dear :o)

A Woman's Touch

2010-08-18T08:12:00.002-04:00

For those of you who aren't too fond of Nan Wilkinson what can I say. She's been hanging around here, tidying up, plying me with meat loaf and only asking for a chance to have her say on The Blob once again. What the hell... I'm going for breakfast, take it away Nan!!

GREETINGS fellow Blob lovers. It's a pleasure to be back at my home away from home. Ever since Jim left me ( I told him it was either the beer and scotch or me) I've been trying to find ways of occupying my free time and you can only give your own house the once over so many times LOL :o)
I FIGURED The Blob could use a little spruce up of it's own...a woman's touch if you will because between you, me, and the doorpost every time I logged on (as the kids say) I was appalled by the dreary colors.
MY GOOD friends Barb and Delores always said I should've been an interior decorator but that would've made it hard to be home for my family. Now that Jim is gone and the kids are in school or the rehabilitation center I decided it was time for me to spread my wings!
ANYWAYS, this will be a surprise for Bob when he gets back to the office. I hope all of you out there in cyber land like it too. I can't wait to see how his next post looks in these new sorroundings!!

The Hills Are Alive (with the sound of Alphorn)

2010-08-17T13:09:00.002-04:00

INTRODUCTION:

"The Alphorn, hewn from a single carefully hollowed and bent tree, is considered the most majestic of wind instruments both visually and for its elemental sound. Indeed, it was this very sound that was imitated by the great Richard Wagner in his prelude to Das Rheingold, the 1st opera in his Ring Cycle."

MY STUFF:

Hey annoying sports fans and pathetic trend followers, put away those vuvuzelas. Aging hippies and New Age world music wannabes, pack up your digeridoos. The Alphorn is making a comeback and hipsters all over Europe are riding the wave. It's only a matter of time before North Americans are lugging these sexy behemoths to raves, concerts, and the hottest parties and after parties. Check out this action from Vaterlandpalooza with the babelicious Hofmann sisters :

And let's not forget the even hotter Eliana Burki and her rock/funk approach to the shepherd's horn (you will fall prey to the siren song as have I!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsRE_wp-n-E&feature=related

For those with a more traditional bent there are still Alphorns aplenty to be heard the way they were meant to be and where the only bare legs belong to bearded men wearing lederhosen.

I couldn't help but notice that "Alphorn" sounds a lot like "all porn" so next post will be more related to the latter than the former. This will no doubt rile Mrs. Nan Wilkinson who still seems to be on her crusade to steer me clear of anything remotely sexual (I think it was she using an alias, who asked about the alphorn in my comment section). I contend that I know my audience way better than she does (75 repressed men in Saudi Arabia can't be wrong!!) so stay tuned.

Does Today's Pop Music Really Suck? (a lot)

2010-08-15T20:18:00.005-04:00

As a "tail ender" of the baby boom generation I'm well aware that many of my chronological confreres have certain conceits about the quality of the pop music they grew up with versus the overmarketed tripe that is available today.

Are we merely looking back through a gauzy lens of nostalgia that shades everything with a glow of quality and meaning? Is there even a way to make a comparison that has any validity?

Will Lady Gaga, Green Day, Jay-Z, Fergie and the like, stand the test of time the way Herman's Hermits or Tommy James and the Chandelles did?

Frankly, I'm way too tired to bother even thinking about writing about this. You, my faithful readers, may however want to think or pray on this and get back to me, a discussion will ensue and we'll settle this once and for all.

Until then we can look forward to a blockbuster remake of a famous musical, (hip-hopped and techno-ed up, melody and lyrics simplified) recast with some of today's hottest talent. My inside sources tell me to expect a Christmas release and check it out...I got my hands on the friggin' poster!!!!

I do and do for you people.....

The Magic of the Triangle - An Unsung Instrument gets its Due

2010-08-05T23:28:00.004-04:00

The triangle has long been the butt of jokes, the go to instrument when a cheap laugh is needed (see the clip below). Yes, it's but a simple bent metal rod, practically anyone can make a reasonable sound on it and from there people make the unfortunate leap and believe that it is easy to play.
Nothing could be further from the truth and only a true artist can consistently evoke the proper colors from this unappreciated, three-sided gem of an instrument.

In the orchestra, the best composers have long known where to turn when a woodwind chord need to be given that shimmering, ethereal boost or a rousing brass fanfare needs a glorious, jubilant, and silvery brush stroke to truly deliver the spirit of the moment! It's the humble triangle to the rescue time and time again.

With this in mind The Blob is glad to announce that another new sponsor has joined the fold. Isosceles magazine is a serious publication dedicated to all aspects of the triangle arts. They never shy away from tackling even the most controversial issues. Here's a brief exerpt:

Do Jews Make Better Trianglists?

It's long been contended that Jews make better lovers. It's an established fact that they make better husbands...thousands of years of oppression and servitude have had their effect. But what about the triangle? Can this cultural baggage produce beneficial results in this realm as well?

According to Alan Abel, the legendary trianglist with the Detroit Symphony, the answer is a resounding yes! "The triangle is an outcast in the orchestra, ill considered and annoying to some but always a soloist and always heard, no matter how loud the rest of the group is playing.

With the history that we Jews have it makes us ideal candidates to properly play this little instrument. Mahler would only have Jews play triangle whenever he conducted...he understood. Today the finest trianglist is Robert Slapcoff, a Canadian Jew. http://www.radiobremen.de/kultur/dossiers/kammerphilharmonie/blog128.html

Is it just a coincidence? Do we make better triangle players? Who am I to say, but listen...it couldn't hurt!!" ...

That's just the kind of well crafted, insightful article that Isosceles magazine provides for it's loyal readers, four times a year. Get yourself a copy today!!

Say It Ain't So Benny!!

2010-08-02T23:23:00.002-04:00

Benny Hinn said...
Bolivia??? ...What the heck are you talking about, Blob?? Where do you comedians get this stuff?? BOLIVIA?!?!?! That's kooky talk!!! Why, I don't even know where Bolivia IS!

I SWEAR!! So... to summarize... no more goofy, silly, TOTALLY NOT TRUE irresponsible stories about Bolivia (wherever THAT is, and where I've NEVER EVER been)

While I'm flattered to have anybody writing in to my blog I will freely admit that televangelists are not my favorite type of people. They are an easy target and while nothing makes me happier than seeing one fall from grace I must give credit where credit is due. These guys are brilliant scam artists in so many ways. Every bit as egomaniacal as cult leaders but smart enough to avoid the hassle of starting their own religion, they hitch a ride on the biggest cult of all and ride it to glory, wealth, power, sex and all of it tax free! (praise Jesus!!)

They also seem to be making millions of followers happy so what could be bad?? Well, if squeezing money out of poor people is bad then you may have a point (or being cynical, hypocritical, whoremongering, homophobic but gay, crack using, lying, tax cheating messengers of God is bad you have a point too).

So Benny Hinn decides to write in and deny everything. The Blob broke the story about his tryst with a Bolivian woman known to us only as Xochamaro. She's an Indian midget from a mountain village not far from La Paz who travelled many miles by foot for an audience with Hinn hoping that he could bestow upon her the miracle of growth...he kind of did but not quite in the way she expected. She did get a free trip to Nevada though for their so called "consultation" but we don't have the resources here to do a follow up or even to repudiate Mr. Hinn's vociferous denials.

Luckily the National Enquirer is always at the ready to help me out (thanks guys) so go get yourself the latest edition and while I've got your attention, say what you want about Jim Baker but at least he went for a babe in Jessica Hahn to help bring down his empire with a touch of elegance while Hinn and Swaggart...let's just say they could've done better.

Viva la Revolución - of Dressing and Undressing

2010-07-24T00:28:00.007-04:00

We live in an age of speed. Reams have been written about this, much of it boring and repetitive and the rest, mind numbing and redundant. I'll spare you my theories on the subject suffice to say that groundhog day isn't really only about what you think it is!! (My cousin's friend's uncle worked for the CIA...I can get the documentation)

In the time it's taken you to read this, 7 new products have been introduced to the marketplace. Capitalism has long been the engine that propelled Western society forward but now it is careening and mutating, almost out of control.

Great inventions have changed the way we live but so have some rather terrible ones. Take the proliferation of salad dressing varietals for instance.

When I was a kid Kraft made a manageable assortment of salad dressings: oil and vinegar...(red wine vinegar was considered exotic), Thousand Island, Russian (which was thousand island without the pickle relish), French, Catalina (exactly the same as French but for people who hated France, and something called Ranch which is still the most unappetizing sounding of all the dressings. That was pretty much it

Today Kraft alone makes 65 types of dressing including the 8 types of ranch pictured above!! Other products have followed suit...Kit Kat bars have hybridized like so many of it's chocolate bar cousins. We have Kit Kat in milk, dark, or white chocolate. Kit Kat infused with caramel, flavored with raspberry, orange, coffee or mint. Giant Kit Kats, chunky ones, or Kit Kats pre-broken into individual sticks. Do we really need all these choices. Will we soon see Kit Kats especially for women... or the Lebanese??? ("Now with Chawfa!!")

Some would argue this is all in the natural order of things, indeed Mother nature herself experiments and provides an overabundance of variety. Do we really need a nectarine to be happy...it's merely a peach with a Brazilian and yet, we have nectarines.

Not that this type of proliferation is always a bad thing. A fortuitous confluence of social, environmental, and economic events has brought about a major revolution in women's pants and leggings.

Madonna and now Lady Gaga have encouraged women to embrace their sexuality and to be hot and nearly naked as often as possible. Global warming has made hardly wearing anything (while still feeling empowered) an imperative and tough times have paved the way for savvy entrepreneurs to offer up some inexpensive yet provocative (and liberating) twists on the old stockings and shorts wardrobe staples.

My extensive research points to the American Apparel company as the leaders in this field and after several hours I've been able to come up with what I feel is a representative sampling:

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/misc/002/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/jillian/003/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/britney2/009/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/Sasha/001/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/debbie/003/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/meg/001/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/mallory2/005/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/sophie2/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/Hyunha/002/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/genny/001/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/xochielt/

And so this hottest of all summers is just that but in in more ways than one. In fact....oh crap!! That shrew Nan Wilkinson (http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2008/08/important-message-from-editorial-staff.html) just showed up in the office...one sec...."yes Nan...I see what's on my computer, it's for research....NO...the hand cream is because I have dry skin...hey get away from my keyboard. I told you you weren't allowed back here!!! EVER!!

Hi Gang,

I wish I could say that it was nice to be back but I assume that you are as appalled as I with the base tone of this post in particular. I know smut when I see it and American Apparel or not, this is filthy smut, (im)pure and simple. Blob, I implore you...you're better than this. Now go to bed and get a fresh start come morning! And put on a happy face!! :o)

"Yes Nan" :o(

Best triangle Note Ever!!! Happy 150th Gustav

2010-07-07T23:19:00.008-04:00

Anyone who knows anything about The Blob knows that at any given moment the juvenile sex jokes could stop and and heavy, almost evangelic zealotry could set in with regards to my idol and one of the top two or three greatest composers to ever grace the face of the Earth; Gustav Mahler.

Today, July 7th, 2010 I'll succumb to my daily urge and pontificate away... after all he only turns 150 once and a little leeway can be afforded me every century and a half. If I waited till his 200th they'd have to regenerate me from my hologram-plasmatrix lunapod and what fun would that be?

How much of a genius was Mahler? Give a listen to the stormy opening of the 4th mvt of his very 1st symphony. All hell is breaking loose in this battle scene that is a metaphor for man's struggle to find redemption and peace. During a climactic moment at 1:37 he decides to give a single solo note to the triangle...and it works!!

That would be enough in my books but there's so much more!

His 3rd symhphony finale, conducted below by Leonard Bernstein, is a huge work divided into 6 movements. Initially he had subtitled each one starting with "What the Rocks Told Me" and ending with "What Love Told Me".... a veritable blueprint for the evolution of human consciousness and spirituality. Mahler wasn't religious in the traditional sense, more of a pantheist actually and for him God, love, music, and nature were all the same thing.

The clip above starts right after another crushing defeat in the human (and we can assume his own)attempt to find meaning.
In a typical Mahler move the human voice is given to a single wind instrument, in this case the flute, to dare once more ask the question followed even more plaintively by the child like piccolo.
Another regularly used device is a heavenly choir of trumpets as the voice of "god"... Mahler uses archetypes, symbols and musical genres to get his point across...a little military march here, a chorale there, even a schtickel Klezmer. Sure he converted to get a better gig, but once a Jew always a Jew, at least that's what Richard Wagner said.

When said trumpets begin to finally relate the whole truth and nothing but the truth the strings tremble in awe but soon rise up to join the goings on as the benevolent universe reveals itself.
Of course, ever the genius, Mahler decides two tympanists should get the honours, pounding out the fundamentals while the rest of the gang jubilate in a major chord.

I love this guy but I also love my readers!

Next post you'll get a little of this action when we discuss the latest revolution in leggings.

Ever the genius, Mahler would've approved.

The Picks Are In!!!!

2010-07-06T01:27:00.004-04:00

Hey there sports fans. The Blob continues it's World Cup coverage with yet another update. Unlike other blogs and news services I like to keep it simple by offering an intro post early on then skipping ahead to the semi-finals thereby leaving out the tournament's meaningless bulk or filler material.

And so, it all comes down today this. Today the proud Uruguayans, South Americas last hope versus the perennial underachieving powerhouse that is the Dutch national squad.

Tomorrow, a titanic struggle between the fiery Spaniards and the ruthless and efficient German team (see: Schindler's List).

Of course, The Blob, with it's full service mandate has been offering sports betting tips and predictions throughout the World Cup through my FaceBook page and yes, I have been consistently wrong about every game of any importance but, those days are done. A computer glitsch was feeding info from my on-line dating profile into my sports prognostication soft ware; SporProg 3000, and this resulted in the steady stream of wrongness. A couple of swift strokes to the side of that whirring, box type thing with a rubber mallet and let the betting begin...it's all fixed!!!

Netherlands vs Uruguay

The smart money in Vegas is on the Netherlands to ride their astonishing upset over mighty Brazil straight into the finals. The smarter money here at The Blob says " not so fast!". Sure the South Americans are prohibitive underdogs and will be without their star striker Suarez but the Dutch are a cocky lot and inside sources tell me that they are already looking ahead. Look for Uruguay to score early and hang on with their tenacious defence that relies in part on tireless coverage but predominantly on struck posts and missed calls by the referee. The Dutch will open up in the second half leaving themselves vulnberable to a counter attack and a possible two-nill deficit.

Here it is then with The Blob guarantee. If you want to make the right bet just remember: "Where there's a will there's a Uruguay!" and remember....you heard it here first!

Uruguay 2 - the Nether lands 1

Spain vs Germany

What is there to say about this one; a classic World Cup confrontation between two international forces....only one will move on and at the end there will be blood, sweat, and tears upon the pitch.
As a Jew this match has been especially difficult to predict...descendants of the Inquisitors or the 3rd Reich, each awash in talent and a historical desire to dominate. One a people of passion and sun light who have cast off the oppressive shackles of Catholicism to embrace corruption and hedonism. The other, former denizens of the middle earth who have emerged with a desire to make amends but who's national cuisine is even worst than England's.

Here it is then with The Blob guarantee. Despite Germany's impressive run, the favoured Spaniards flair and speed will win the day; "Espana über alles!!!"

Spain 1 - Germany 0

World Date UpCup

2010-06-17T08:07:00.005-04:00

(ed. note: We think he meant World Cup Update but he's tired and cranky... didn't have the heart to mention it)

The World Cup of soccer is in full swing. Africa, at long last and to the great joy of her citizens, is now first among equals in the great family of nations.
During the opening ceremonies as we were welcomed back, with open arms, to the source of our origins I couldn't help but get a bit choked up. First Obama and now this...bye bye White guilt and good riddance!!
I watched a short film clip about the vuvuzela, new to me and apparently some kind of indigenous instrument that the locals played with great delight. It looked and sounded almost identical to the plastic blowhorn I had as a kid, but what did I know.
I still remember my last blowhorn; I was 11 years old and brought it to a sparsely attended Expos game. I played it loud and lustily and around the 7th inning a nearby drunk asked to take a look at it. "Sure" I said and watched as he calmy held an end in each hand, broke it in two and handed it back to me!!
Well...there are thousands of 11 year old me's at any given world cup match and the rest of the planet has turned into that ballpark drunk. Infuriated and vengeful but this time with no recourse. Commentators, columnists, and bloggers have raled and foamed at the mouth. FIFA tried to ban the instrument from all stadiums but all to no avail. The horrid, annoying, loud buzzing noise is with us for another 3 weeks, like it or not.

"

This clip is more or less typical of the bitter tone that has characterized the uproar.

"What can they possibly be thinking?" you may well ask. The source of so many of our most engaging and enduring forms of popular music and THIS is what they come up with??

Its like the nerdy, poor kid from a backwards family who's parents finally let him have a party in their basement because they won a 50" 3D plasma TV and everybody wants to come check it out and they serve sardines and cream soda and he pulls the chairs out from under the cool kids as they're about to sit down and cracks up and squirts them with water pistols all night (and cracks up).

That's pretty much how it seems on first glance but here at The Blob we like to scratch below the surface to see what worms of truth we can unearth.

My South African operatives put me in touch with Mbuko Seke Ngolobasele, and elderly gentleman who was there at the beginning of what he calls "the vuvuzela movement".

"The instrument was invented some 10 years ago ... a plastic version of a horn that has been used for many years by the Duduk tribesmen to talk across great distances while tending to their herds. Then we got the World Cup the people in the slums and shanty towns started to talk. "We will get nothing from this " they said "but still, the world will come to our doorstep!" And so it began. We are a poor continent, maybe backwards in the eyes of some, but we understand revenge as well as anybody else. We were all encouraged to buy the vuvuzela, it is not expensive, and in churches and elsewhere we were taught to play it as loud as we could and with the most brittle of tones. After centuries of exploitation at the hands of imperialists...enslavement, rape, pillaging, plundering of our wealth, support of the most bloody and corrupt regimes... No we are not rich and cannot afford many bombs but we would have our revenge!!"

And so the African fans, in a tremendous display of passive/aggressive retribution are ruining our party and clearly delighting in doing so. I guess we deserve it but in 3 weeks it'll be all over, the playing field will be even once again and we will all emerge winners!

EUPH!! 2!!

2010-06-11T01:15:00.004-04:00

The date was July 24th, in the year 2007 and The Blob made special mention of a little show that could on the occasion of its 5000th performance http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/07/landmark-show-reaches-5000th.html

Almost three years later and with legions of fans clamoring for more, producer Burton Scheissman has delivered the goods with a spectacular new musical that is only two weeks away from its official opening.

"Of course there will be lots of euphonium but we've changed the setting to Paris and there is a love story too. I can't give too much away but...have you ever had to choose between the woman you love and an instrument that looks better than she does??!!"

Critics who've seen the preview have raved and tickets are almost impossible to come by after low brass lovers snapped them up in record time.

New songs like the poignant "Oh Papa, (without you I'm but an Oom)", the bluesy tuba feature "You Can't get No Lower", and the boisterous and hilarious "Euphonium Can Can, Can't" will haves fans of the original EUPH!! tapping their toes and lining up yet again for a return visit!!!

While We're on the Subject

2010-06-06T11:24:00.003-04:00

You know how it goes...I post something, a couple of people find it interesting enough to send some related questions my way, and before you know it there's a whole week of Blob on the same subject. I guess it's relationship week:

MARIA CALLOUS writes:

That's great Blob, thanks for clearing all that up. But can you write a post that helps the young unmarried types feel the love? And not the kind of love she can get at the bar any time she wants. The kind of love where she can get off AND have someone do her chores for her. Any suggestions? (nothing expensive neither!)

Well Maria, that's quite the question and you are far from the first to ask it.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qhjmHioPH8&feature=related

My sources tell me that you are an attractive, intelligent young woman and the fun kind of bi-polar. You can either stay the course and wait it out or go ahead and date a much older man. There are benefits and drawbacks to either option.

If you choose to wait it out then you'll be stuck doing your own chores....guys you pick up at bars will not do this. Maybe while you're waiting you can move back in with your parents and they can do the dog walking, cooking, and cleaning for you!

The older, more grounded man will satisfy all your needs but be dead by the time you're 70 leaving you time to take that scultping class you always wanted to try and to go on a cruise. Actually there is no down side to plan B.

Anonymous in Saskatchewan writes:

Dear Blob,

I've got a strange boyfriend related problem and I'm at my wits end. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful guy; romantic, thoughtful, and he does chores but there's a habit of his that is driving me crazy!

We have an active and fulfilling sex life but when he has an orgasm he sort of does this spasm thing and raps me in the head with his knuckles. He swears it isn't so but it feels for all the world likes he's giving me a noogie. If that isn't bad enough he also giggles and points after he cums...this can go on for a few minutes and is extremely annoying!!

I'm being transferred from Regina to Phoenix soon (he giggles when I say either of those places as well :o( and need to know if I should just abandon ship. Thanks for your help.

Dear Anonymous,

Far from the Dickens inspired song I linked to above (Dickens...hehe!!!) you have found love but not without its complications, in this case, medical complications.

The good news is that with therapy and the proper medication your boyfriend can change his ways. I'm not a doctor but I will recommend Gravitrol, the latest in a line of sexual behaviour inhibitors that basically help men with his condition (Immature ejaculatilon) to grow up. There are some minor side effects...abnormal interest in the works of Syliva Plath and Kurt Cobain, inappropriate philopsophical musings, staring meaningfully at inanimate objects, but all the things you are having trouble with will, in time, disappear. Best of luck!

For Ladies Mostly

2010-06-05T10:03:00.005-04:00

For almost 3 years now, The Blob has meant so much to so few. Useless advice and information have been doled out, jokes told, fake products hawked and all free of charge. (don't worry...I'm not about to ask you for money)

With that in mind let's all take a deep breath as we wade into the murky waters of relationships. A subject that perhaps, amidst all the frivolity, I've neglected.

Problems are many and solutions are hard to come by, after all ... people, including women, are involved. I'll now attempt to clear a couple of things up where so many others have made vast fortunes failing.

Back in the day a modest and successful kids show called Romper Room had a segment where the host/teacher would peer out through the TV screen using a "magic mirror". As little kids we were convinced she could see us!

I too have such a device, specifically tailored to look out from behind my computer and into the psyches of my female readership. Doctor Phil would kill for such a thing but again, don't worry... it's metaphorical.

THE PROBLEM

What I see from this vantage point is that women in commited, heterosexual, relationships are by and large missing the boat. The majority who complain of not being loved properly or validated sufficiently need only broaden their scope and look around their own houses. Are their rules being followed by their spouse? ... cabinet doors and drawers closed, clothes picked up, towels rehung etc. etc. If so this is one of the many ways your man is telling you that he loves and respects you. For many men these behaviours do not come naturally.

For your husband, NOT forgetting his used underwear on the kitchen table while he stops by the fridge on the way to the laundry room is every bit as valid a loving gesture as leaving a single rose on your pillow and yet women continuously overlook the obvious.

Why would we put the toilet seat down if it wasn't out of respect for you? Have the stray hairs been cleaned from the bathtub, the beard stubble rinsed from the sink, the very sink that he pees in without telling you??? The floors or dishes washed and any other number of chores completed during the course of a given week? And all this on top of saying he loves you, opening the occasional door and making sure your physical and emotional needs are met....as far as he can tell.

There is so much love going on and you aren't even aware of it. Soon enough and as a consequence, the husband starts to feel invalidated and the downward spiral begins.

THE SOLUTION

The answer of course is to start noticing and embracing these loving gestures, not keying in on the odd fault. That twinge in the pit of your stomach you felt when I mentioned "a single rose left on your pillow" can happen all day long if you choose to notice what is already there and trust me ladies, the twinges compound and build until you feel like exploding. Some women I've spoken to who have adopted this attitude have actually climaxed using this technique. I call it a "choregasm" and according to them it's every bit as good as the real thing!

Does he wash your walls, polish your floors, scrub your carpet, degrease your oven, lather your cat??? He loves you!! Now leave him alone and let him watch TV.

The Blob's Revenge

2010-05-27T08:49:00.005-04:00

Imagine this setting; A sultry Montreal night, 30 or so people gathered in a visual and aural gem of a small chapel to hear artfully interpreted baroque music for 2 violins and guitar, a thoroughly enjoyable 1st half and then, post-intermission, all hell in it's own freakish and maddening way, breaks out.

Someone had taken my seat so I moved across the aisle to a pew who's only occupant was a very attractive woman, unfortunately she didn't return for the 2nd part. Still...a pew to myself, an aisle seat at that and an empty row in front of me. Let the show commence!!

"Not so fast" said God as he sent yet another trial my way, this time in the form of a couple of very-much-in-love, fat cretins. They had been sitting away from me and behind earlier but now they plunked themselves directly in front as the musicians took the stage. I managed to find an acceptable sight line but then the two round, jut jawed, ham fisted (like this guy)

lovebirds started their own show a mere 2 feet from my face.

Whisperings followed by knowing, oily, glances, a fat, raised eyebrow here, a tender rub of the arm or haunch there, a touch to the nose followed by a mimed picking of same nose followed by laughter and an audible slap to the arm, head scratching, incessant program reading (they shared one and it was only one page long), a lull for some hand holding which quickly led to some sort of lover's thumb wrestle.

Changing seats in a such a small and intimate setting wasn't really an option, nor was closing my eyes for an hour. It was technology that rescued me...the powerful combination of my cell phone camera and The Blob's global outreach..... the world would feel my suffering and know of their sinfulness, I would have my revenge!!!

Then I heard yet another voice, it seemed to be coming from the altar!! "Jesus, is that you??" (this guy)

"Yes, my child" answered the voice. "Behold the miracle of love before you. These two lonely, portly souls whom I have joined as one. Look not askance, nor cast ye not aspersions as thou woudst stones unto a sinner for they share with you the mystery and glory of their union. Thou shalt not be given to vengeful acts for that is my Father's dominion and his alone...we have this good cop bad cop thing going!!" "But Jesus" I implored, "come sit a while in my shoes" and at that I felt overcome by a warmth that seemed to radiate outwards from deep within me. (skeptics have attributed this to my Bean 'n' Beef burrito grandé combo) 15 seconds later it had passed and the voice returned. "Jesus??" I asked. "yeah, it's me. On further review, go for it and by the way, my Dad just sterilized her. Up, up and awayyyy!!"

The Perfect Mistake and other Oxymorons

2010-05-26T09:28:00.008-04:00

Mikexxxster said...

Hey, Blobber; HELP!!!

Graham James, the notorious hockey coach/sexual predator, a number of years ago was granted a full pardon by our Federal Government...

Thanks for your question or in this case, cry for helpful advice, Mikexxxster. For those of you who want to read his unedited and lengthy letter please refer to the comment section in the previous post (bring pyjamas!!)

I, along with many other right minded folk, have been pondering this question of late in light of the recent upswing in Catholic church sex scandal news. It seems his holiness Pope Benedict, when it comes to priestly pedophelia, has a history of at best benign neglect and at worse complicit cover-up. This from a man who today we are supposed to see as infallible. Sure the word "infallible" only applies to matters of Catholic doctrine and where in the manual is there a passage that prohibits rogering boys? Where I ask you??

At any rate, maybe he just made a mistake here and there, nobody's perfect.

"Perfect mistakes" do exist of course and should be rightly distinguished form "lucky breaks" and "fortunate errors". Serendipity as exemplified here (check the undoctored name of the Times Berlin correspondent covering the latest Vatican scandal)

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7065824.ece plays a part but it's only part of the story. It's as though the mistake, in confluence with it sorroundings, leads to more than the sum of its parts. Here is a small but perfect example:

At least in Tiger's case there was informed consent and porn stars.

The abuse of power by the clergy is a shameful and ongoing story with a CEO at the Vatican who seems to have little ability or interest in defeating the problem and not enough oversight and quality control over his branch offices.

One man who seems to have found a solution, albeit in the realm of science/fantasy, is noted author David Jerome who's Turd Stuffington boy's adventure series has thrilled readers for almost 20 years. Says Jerome: "It's high time that I dealt with this issue in a way that would educate, entertain, and appeal to my core audience of pre-teen boys. After all, what boy wouldn't want to be rescued from a vile villain by the likes of a dashing astronaut!!" As for the introduction of a new character he continued: "Batman had his ward Robin, Dr. Quest had his associate Race Bannon. It's high time that Turd Stuffington had a sidekick of his own!"

To Hab and to Hab Not

2010-05-25T00:03:00.002-04:00

We Jews llike to tell the Hannukah story once a year...you know...the miracle of the little vial of sacramental oil that lasted eight days when there was only enough for one.

Montreal's beloved Canadiens, the standard bearers for the last viable religion in Quebec, just ripped a page out of the Jewish playbook with a fairly miraculous post-season run. A team that was supposed to last into the first week of April but was still playing in the 3rd week of May has, as of last night, seen its vial run dry!

It's time to move on, go for a bike ride, play a litle golf, maybe even fire up the old barbecue but before we do there is a tradition to uphold. With that in mind let the recriminations begin!!

Pundits, commentators and the like, both professional and amateur, will praise the team and immediately thereafter start the chorus of "that being said". Blame will be parceled out, axes will be sharpened and the miracle will be all but forgotten.

I'm no Jewish ethnocentrist but couldn't we all learn a thing or two from my people (besides philosophy, science, art etc.) and simply celebrate a miracle, as we do even centuries later, rather than dump all over it.

During Hannukah we don't gather every year to bitch about what could have been: "If they'd played it a bit differently the oil could've easily lasted 12 days, like Christmas!! Judah the Maccabee should never have been in charge, I'd have gone with Avrum "the Scythe" Ben Kahan dammit!!"

No, we just eat.

That being said.....
I put the blame squarely at the feet of Les Canadiens' management for not going with a proven winning combination. The Montreal symphony brass have played the national anthems at the Bell Center on several occasions and when they do the team wins...period!
In the playoff run alone they played and the Habs beat Pittsburgh in game 6, they played again and we beat Philly in game 3, they were replaced by little 16 year old rising star, Nikki Yanofsky in game 4 and were soundly beaten.
Sure she's cute and sings well and is cute. In a year and a half she'll be 18, legal, and recording industry weasels will be able to pry her away from her parents guiding hands and finally get her to make slutty naked videos like Rhianna or Christina Aguilera. That's of course, another story.

In this case it's even worse than simply jinxing the team. Let's break it down: When the OSM brass play the anthems people in the stands sang loud and proud because they were being accompanied by a glorious sounding live ensemble, not singing along with someone who made a name for herself during the recent olympics and who many people may have wanted to listen to rather than drown out. The end result was a rousing, crowd stirring OSM anthem that had the house rockin' and home team that came out with fire in their eyes. Not so for Nikki's a cappela rendition. I'll show you the good one of the two....see what I mean??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wvut4Mbhco&feature=player_embedded

A special mention to Blob accolytes and regular comment section participants, Party Bear and Mama Callous for their stunning trombone work and for the former's brilliant arrangement of
O Canada. Take special note of the introduction, artfully and legally lifted from famed dead composer Richard Strauss' fanfare "Stadt Wien".

In Closing

Poor managerial decisions notwithstanding, there's one thing we can all agree on. It's been said before and I'll say it again; Canadiens fans are the most knowledgeable fans in the whole world. Possibly even more than you'd think......

Gulf of Messico

2010-05-22T20:17:00.005-04:00

In the time it takes to type "BP" enough oil to fill your jacuzzi has blasted out of a drill hole on the sea floor. Under normal circumstances the public would be filled with outrage but during the year 2000, in a remarkable display of marketing foresight, British Petroleum changed their logo from a green shield with bold face, capital letters to a sort of green, leafy, salad with small case letters. It has proven more difficult than expected to get mad at this group of humble veggie lovers.

THE CRISIS SO FAR

No contingency plan was in place for for an event such as this, an event that BP officials assured was impossible (see: Titanic) so now the Louisiana wetlands and fishery are threatened and the plumes of oil seep into the loop current that will gradually spread the oil up the east coast.

All attempts at stopping the spewing slime have failed. The heavy encasement that was supposed too cap the well bombed, the detergent (also toxic) used to break up the oil into little beads was just plain stupid and now there's talk of filling the well with old golf balls, chopped up tires and some sort of thick sludge followed by cement. Given the unprecedented nature of this disaster, none of this has been attempted at depth, ever.

The worst case scenario may end up being the best case scenario; everglades and other wetlands destroyed, east coast beaches befouled, ecological and humanitarian crises of a nightmarish degree and THEN maybe the world will become serious about weaning itself from oil and put the proper amount of money and energy into a viable alternative. With any luck tornados and hurricanes will make things even worse, slathering oil , like globs of sunscreen, all over the fat ass of the US, the American south.

THE BLOB SOLUTION

Warning: the following section is graphic and revolting in nature. The young and the squeamish (not to be confused with the ABC soap opera of the same name) should look away.

This is an advice column so now it's time for me to weigh in.

Other well meaning do-gooders have offered ideas: Using human and animal hair to make booms that soak up or disperse the oil http://abclocal.go.com/wtvg/story?section=news/local&id=7455194 is a quaint and somewhat disgusting notion.

One woman has suggested using specially treated tea bags to do the same thing.

I synthesized the two ideas, hair and tea bags,

( Urban Dictionary definition of "teabag": The act of dunking into or pressing against any object, liquid or bodypart using the male scrotum.)

and discovered that the unshaven human scrotum, with all it's hairy folds and recesses, can mop up an oil slick 8 to 10 times larger than its own surface area!! Teams of appropriately large-balled men straddling low lying catamarans should do the trick. The Danes with their reputed testicular mass and boring, often depressing, Danish lives are ideal candidates.

An even better idea involves cutting our losses. Let's face it, the disaster is upon us and there's no turning back but there is a silver lining.

According to the American Oceanographic Institute of the Culinary Arts, the Gulf is naturally wok shaped and by mid-August it will be primarily filled with oil. It also happens to be the largest shrimp hatchery in the world. Do you see where I'm going with this....a tanker or two filled with soy sauce, a squadron of crop dusters loaded up with 5 spice powder, a lit match, an obese demographic with voracious appetites and voila, the largest stir fry in history!! The shrimp don't go to waste, most of the oil gets burnt off and an economically devastated population gets to hold their heads high once again when the Guinness Book of World Records people come to call as they most certainly will!

Sure this blog is here to entertain but every once in a great while duty calls. I urge all like minded citizens to head south, a brigade of hungry, chopstick toting volunteers that we'll call Appetite for Humanity. Tell 'em The Blob sent you.

Oh yeah, guys...you're welcome to try the first idea as well. If you're worried about your own hygiene there are people already on the ground ready to help with the delicate clean up job. You've seen footage from previous spills...brigades of women with soapy, gloved hands gently massaging the thick oil off of baby otters. You do the math!

Wow, They Did It Again.

2010-03-22T15:13:00.002-04:00

Americans, almost despite themselves, have somehow done the right thing again, even when the right thing is a left thing...universal health care. One of the most important and historic pieces of legislation in US history passed yesterday through the senate with all the ease and grace of a pea sized kidney stone.

Of course the really important news of the day was that Tiger Woods granted two short, one on one interviews. The first with the very hot Golf Channel personality, Kelly Tilghman...the second, with some guy.

Tiger has cost the PGA, and anyone associated with professional golf, untold millions of dollars with his philandering ways. When he's not around public interest drops way off and as such the choice of Tilghman as interviewer has the faint odor of revenge. After all, the Golf Channel sending a sexy, very white, woman to interview the straying golfer is like MTV sending a lit crack pipe to interview Amy Winehouse.

To his credit, Tiger managed to hold it together for the first interview but was clearly distracted during the 2nd.

Thanks to The Blob's "thought cam" we can get a better look at what was actually going on.

Man, if ever the "thought cam" fell into the wrong hands, eh??!!

And so Tiger Woods continues on his tortuous path towards redemption as his country, led by another world famous Mulatto (what..is that not the right term these days?), passes a bill that assures that no family will be denied care for their autistic child's pre-existing condition or will be bankrupted (or worse) because of astronomical costs. The crazy right, you know; Limbaugh, Palin, Beck, Hannity, the Tea Partyers etc. are still mightily peeved that they lost the last election and that their fear mongering was soundly repudiated. Now this, and just when they thought they had something going again. The rhetoric and litigious nitpicking will now be ratcheted up and if you're not careful you may be swayed by the lies and vitriol. Watch Jon Stewart and stay the course! http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/#clip276647 (this is a tour de force....Glen Beck will never be the same)

Bishop Responsible

2010-03-16T07:12:00.004-04:00

Peter Graves (AKA Jim Phelps, leader of the Mission Impossible team) died this past weekend at about the same time that serious allegations about Joseph Ratzinger (AKA Pope Benedict XVI, leader of the Catholic Church) and a cover-up of priestly pedophilia were coming to light.

The crack Blob research team has managed once again to find a connection, albeit tenuous, between these two men and recent events. Listen up:

Both men changed their names for professional reasons...Graves from Arness because his brother James was already the well known star of Gunsmoke. Ratzinger to Benedict because of some edict that I was too lazy to look up.

Both men were devoutly Christian

Peter Graves, born in 1926, played a Nazi in Stalag 17 while Ratzinger, born in 1927, played one in the Hitler Youth.

Graves, despite a flagging post MI career almost turned down his most celebrated roll; Captain Oveur in the cult classic Airplane. He strongly objected to the scene in question because it had his character hitting on a little boy beginning with the now famous opening line "ever been in a cockpit before?" Graves was troubled by this but eventually decided to go ahead with the self-parody of the stalwart and upstanding Phelps thereby paving the way for similar star turns by Leslie Nielsen and Al Gore. Watch this YouTube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sp-BYkOGkw at 3:20 - 5:24

The current Pope, born in 1927, may have been responsible for enforcing a secret Vatican vow of silence regarding sex crimes known by its Latin name Crimen Sollicitationis. Watch this disturbing BBC report: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3335354490744010763#

Graves - US Navy. Ratzinger - Nazi anti-aircraft unit. (ok...so he deserted, the war was almost over anyways!)

Two men, born a year apart who's lives took different paths and who made difficult choices in the face of some serious moral questions. We lost a good one yesterday.

Already With the New Sponsors (look at Mr. fancy bigshot!!)

2010-03-13T08:06:00.002-05:00

Only back posting for a couple of days and the sponsors are literally knocking my door down. I'm talking, of course, about the recent incident involving Teddy and Loob Munson (the Munson brothers, and owners of Munson's Bevelled ham..."Better cause it's bevelled!!), a gambling debt, and a home invasion. But that's besides the point, although I could use a delicious, angled slice of that smoky, country ham right about now!

At any rate, if you like video games and are the least bit anal retentive then your day has finally arrived!! An extra $150 bucks and Play Station will provide the exciting reed making module!!
Did somebody say "Say goodbye to going outside??!!??"

If you are looking for something more suitable for the less coordinated and attentive 3-7 year old then hang in there. Sources tell me that the much awaited Euphonium Hero is only weeks away!

A Day in the Life of a Rock Timpanist

2010-02-23T09:33:00.011-05:00

Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton are in town for what promises to be a legendary concert, a local orchestra has been hired for the occasion, and I have been chosen to play timpani.
Come with me won't you, for an exclusive BLOB behind the scene look at how it all went down:

11 a.m. - Arrive at the Bell Centre's massive loading dock to deliver my drums. Huge semi trucks everywhere and one catering van brimming with trays of fabulous food. We got coffee and a tin of cookies (imported ones though!!)

11:15 a.m - Timps now inside, the stage is being set for tonight's epic performance. IATSE members swarm about like paunchy worker bees in preparation. There is an eery sense of anticipation in the cavernous arena.

11:30 - Move timps to small hot rehearsal/dressing room, set up near imported cookies and wait for stagehands to deliver stands and chairs for 12 o'clock call.

12:30 - Stuff finally shows up, music handed out, rehearsal begins. We are so ready to rock!!!

12:31 - Open my folder to check out my parts. Orchestra will be playing 7 tunes with the guitar hero, Jeff Beck. Let's rock!!!!

12:32 - Start with the encore and the only song I play. Puccini's "Nessun Dorma" (considered the heavy metal anthem of it's day)

12:45 - My work here is done. Next call at 3 has now been delayed till around 4:30. Will now go about getting paid while creatively killing time.

1:00 - Food court, newspaper, muffin type thing, coffee, olympics on nearby TV.

3:00 - All done, only another hour and a half to kill...excitement building!!

4;30 - Onstage with the man himself and his kick ass band. Monster drummer Narada Michael Walden comes up to say hi...asks if I was the same guy from their gig the night before in Toronto. I tell him no but reassure him that all of us Canadians look the same..an honest mistake.

4:31 - 5:55 Watch show from on-stage, behind my drums.

5:56 -6:00 Play my 30 seconds, a massive crescendo on the dominant chord leading to an orgasmic resolution. (uh oh...a trap...if I listen to Jeff Beck who plays a certain note too early I'll resolve my chord and change drums prematurely...must relax!!)

6:01 clean -up and supper.

7:30 - Showtime! The Bell Center is full...rock and ROLL!! An hour later it's all over, the trap avoided I pack up and head for home.....another satisfied customer left in my wake.

9:30 - I find this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQHacfW9X1k&NR=1

Watch as the Madison Square Garden timpanist starts at 1:50, falls in the trap at 2:00 and climaxes early,then half-hardedly tries to regroup by going back to the big drum.

Apparently the conductor was kind afterwards, telling him that this happens to lots of guys and that he'd be sure to call him next time they were in New York.

Poor guy, his 15 seconds of shame captured on the MSG big screen and now immortalized on YouTube!

Moral of the story: If you can make it in Montreal you can make it anywhere!

Post #501 - A Blob Fall Testimonial

2009-10-23T15:05:00.008-04:00

It's Autumn and we're rounding the corner and heading for the big post #1000! High time then, that I signed on another new sponsor to provide the life blood of all blogs (and all things of any importance); advertising dollars.

On this occasion I was so smitten by the product that I decided to do the shilling myself! Give a listen:

You know how it is guys, big back yard with lots of trees meets a few cold October days and before you know it you have so much leaf ground cover that even the thought of raking makes you want to shoot youself in the head. For the last few years now I've found the only solution is to tackle the problem with power and lots of it. The BLOWMASTER v.7 is the most powerful and versatile leaf blower on the market and I highly recommend it for any of your blowing jobs. As you can see from the picture , I have an overabundance of fallen leaves so the extra power is appreciated. The entire unit straps on so I can have both hands free to operate the long, carbonite grade, black PVC nozzle. I was so satisfied with the BLOWMASTER v.7 that I won't be going back to the v.6 any time soon...I'm sold on the black, PVC strap on model. The Rolls Royce of leaf blowers!

Check out this "point of view" shot. Here I had it on "Turbo" and would you look how it cleans the lawn right down to the top soil!!

Now, you're probably all saying to yourselves "What the hell does he know about blowing leaves!!" so I've gone right ahead and asked BLOWMASTER spokeswoman and adult entertainer, Jenna Jameson, to talk some sense into you all. Take it away Jenna!

" A special Jenna hello to all Blobophiles, many of whom are no doubt familiar with my body of work! Trust me guys and girls, The Blobster knows what he's doing...you saw what his lawn looked like at the top of the page. Now check out how it looked after he finished blowing it (with the BLOWMASTER v.7). A truly professional job!!"

Thanks Jenna!

And in closing, here's a cheery little number about all the dying leaves complete with lyrics and visuals http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2s2tPORlW4&feature=related. Who knew this song actually had words!!

What's Going On - segment #2

2009-10-04T17:08:00.016-04:00

OK ..where was I? Oh yeah!

When we last left off the wedding was just around the corner, the cake looked like a giant piece of pink sidewalk gum, and I was lying on the couch, post-tantrum, looking for inspiration from afternoon TV. "What would Martha do"? I asked, but the moment a potential solution popped into my head an even more compelling reason for its inevitable failure would emerge in its place. 3 minutes turned to 4 and soon to 6 and still no answer, then it hit me, the one word, the one thing that would save the day: ribbon!!

WARNING: The following section deals with behaviour suggesting an alternative lifestyle. Small children and fundamentalists should leave the room in a quick and orderly fashion.

This of course would require some bold and quasi-gay action on my part but when push comes to shove one does what one must! Now, unlike what many of you typical Blob readers are thinking I didn't **** with a ***** while some anonymous man ****** *** **** in my ****.

Nor did several youngish **** **** me with a *** while *****ing on ** ****!!

What I actually ended up doing was going to a fabric store in search of the proper type of ribbon and carrying with me a piece of the troublesome pink fondant to do some color matching. I was, of course, the only male in the store except for one guy who the sales staff kept referring to as "Cynthia" and I did feel like a straight fish in a gay pond. Just when I felt like chickening out I thought of the bride and how she'd kill me on her special day and this was all the motivation I would need. I found my ribbon, asked some kind and matronly women for a 2nd and 3rd opinion and was on my way. Soon the transformation was complete...the cake that is..... not me.

I didn't start ******* an ***** or ***ing a ***** with a greased ***** just cause I went to a fabric store with a piece of pink icing to buy some red ribbon.

And so it was that the cake was rendered presentable and the wedding saved. The premiere of Quebec, the honourable Jean Charest, never got to taste a piece, opting out of the meal when he learned that a leading mafioso would also be in attendance.

Here he is with the bride and a ridiculously small dog. He shook my hand on the way out so he is now assured of my vote in the upcoming election.

(I'm easily swayed, what can I say??)

The guests ate the wedding cake with gusto and were wholely unaware that the ribbon was covering a multitude of decorative sins.

While I received many words of thanks and a healthy round of applause I mustn't forget to thank my sous-chef (pictured below) and the restaurant staff for all their help.

I also want to thank the mafia Don (pictured below) for getting me that deal on the ribbon and for not having one of his boys nail my hand to the restaurant's kitchen counter after an incident with the raspberry coulis.

And what of the comely "neurosis" of sopranos that some of you (one of you) has been clamoring to know more about?

Well it was hot in the church and as the ceremony wore on and on one thing led to another. You know how sopranos are....(pictured below)

What's Going On? (segment #1)

2009-10-02T09:49:00.007-04:00

2 weeks without a post, without a peep or even a blurt. I suppose an explanation is in order and especially to the loyal Blob readers who, in vain, have coaxed, threatened and cajoled me into providing them with the free diversions to which they've become accustomed. (cheap, needy, bastards!!)

I was thinking of going with a vague hockey type excuse and claim a "lower body injury" but why lie when you can tell the truth? The real story is that I've been busy learning and playing music so difficult and time consuming that it cut into my wedding cake baking and on-line gaming time leaving little room for Blob related activities.

"Wedding cake baking?" you ask and rightly so since this is not something I normally do, especially for a wedding party that includes a leading mafioso, the premiere of Quebec, around 15 comely sopranos (and other voice types who all sang opera choruses), and a narcoleptic chihuahua puppy. At this point you must be wishing I stuck with the "lower body injury" angle but all details and photos are completely authentic, unembellished, and un-retouched. Listen up:

The bride, a voice coach, the husband, a personal trainer. I knew neither but was invited as a guest of a woman who was supposed to bake the cake and then asked me for help. I had a conception which changed when I was informed that the bride wanted a cake that was chocolate AND vanilla and pink!! I would make a 3 layer masterpiece, the middle layer being vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream, the outer 2, dense chocolate truffle cake, all covered in pink fondant; a substance as mercurial and difficult to handle as, well....as a soprano who's planning her own wedding.

It wasn't long before disaster struck and I was forced into doing probably the gayest thing I've ever done, and I say this with apologies to my gay friends and relatives (Uncle Sheldon, you're not fooling anybody!) A day before the wedding, in the AD stage (assembly and decoration) the fondant proved too much for me to handle. I went into a panic, became chair kickingly (see photos below) enraged and then despondant.

It wasn't a pretty sight and there was no time to start over. Premiere Jean Charest would be seated at my table, the mafia king not far away. The bride needed nothing less than a very special cake for her very special day and now there was no time to start over. How could I possibly extricate myself from this impossible situation and how gay of a thing did I actually have to do as part of a potential solution. Come back soon for the 2nd installment!!

Okay, OKAY Already!!

2009-09-14T00:42:00.002-04:00

The wheedling masses have spoken once again and have guilted me into posting when I should be sleeping or watching TV. It's not that I have nothing to say or am out of witty and insightful observations (although I am) but certain things, such as sleeping and watching TV have taken their rightful place after more than 2 years of neglect.
That being said, the internet is a hotbed of humor and the least I can do is point out some well researched video clips and provide the appropriate links. Here's one now : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne0RrK5qJ-k&feature=related
and another: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne0RrK5qJ-k&feature=related (Pause at 1:05, gradually scroll down and read whats on the screen!)
What's this?? another one!! (what were the odds of that??) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd4tugPM83c
Must sleep now.......

A Fresh Start

2009-09-01T08:30:00.006-04:00

The leaves overhead, crisp and brown like a well baked pizza crust, wait to meander lazily towards lawns The lawns themselves, tired of endless mowings, yearn for snow cover. Children nervously waiting for school buses, excited to see old friends and overburdened with expensive textbooks..... and a Dad watches at the front door. He too is tired of endless mowings, overburdened by expensive textbooks and yearns not for snow cover but for pizza. (cheese and pepperoni cover ideally)

In Montreal the coming of autumn means that another winter has finally ended and yet another is just around the corner. It's a period of reflection and here at The Blob it's a chance for a fresh start after a lengthy and not easily explained hiatus.

How to begin though? Maybe it would be best to do so humbly, without bravura and fireworks (the naked lesbian nuns in prison video will have to wait for another day) and what could be more humble than the lowly yet exalted potato.

This past July marked a watershed moment in the history of snack food of which many of us on this side of the pond are scarcely aware. Procter and Gamble was forced to argue in a British court of law that it's Pringles Brand Potato Chips were in fact NOT potato chips in order to avoid a value added tax that would have cost them many millions of dollars. A year earlier they had succeeded in convincing a lower court judge that at only 42% potato content they should be exempt, but here....read:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2009/may/21/pringles-vat-tax-crisps-snacks?commentpage=1 sps-snacks?commentpage=1

As a side note please scan through the comments attached to the article for stuff like this:

Never mind, are pork scratchings still zero-rated?
Pringles are yesterday's snack anyway. The foreseeable future is those jumbo bags of "artisan" crisps with laughably specific "flavours" in weird combinations like Old Spot bacon and Wensleydale.

A nice upshot of the trial is that the word "potato-ness" was coined by a Procter and Gamble lawyer and may very well end up being Blob word of the year. Bottom line: P&G tried to convince a court that Pringles were actually shit but the judge ruled that if it looks and tastes like chip it IS a chip and that Pringles did indeed posess enough of that elusive and ephemeral quality of potato-ness to to be taxed.

You weekend gardeners, toiling away at your potato patches, were too busy to notice. Glad to have been of service.

Trouble in Nerdsville

2009-07-20T08:58:00.007-04:00

troy huber has left a new comment on your post "Alright Already!!":

Anus,

I know you're busy, and we should take whatever posts you give us, and that this one is funny and clever as always, BUT when the hell did you start writing in the voice of your readers' characters?
I honed the Troy Huber brand, I focus-grouped the SHIT out of it, spent months developing it. You can't just say "take it away Troy" and "be" Troy. I'M Troy.

Fuck you.

Troy

My response:

Taint,
I suppose I can understand your rage and sense of betrayal. After all, you did come up with the Troy Huber character, and then proceded to neglect him for months at a time. Pleas by myself and some of my most voluptuous and nubile young readers to "bring back Troy" have time and again fallen on deaf ears.
Of course, this is besides the point. Had you read the fine print on post 1, day 1 of The Blob (we were so young back then!!) perhaps you'd have spared me the bitter invective. http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2006/05/greetings-and-salutations.html
My lawyers assure me there is legal precedent (Letterman-NBC/Intellectual Property) so hows about we just agree to let bygones be bygones.

go bury a hatchet up your ass,
Blob

Funny how everything old is new again. This whole unfortunate episode with Troy reminds me of that legendary night back in the early 60's when the Rat Pack ruled the Vegas Strip and a drunken Peter Lawford got into a tiff with an even more besotted Dean Martin. The boozy crooner had just rammed Joey Bishop, head first, into a lamp post and then stabbed him in the neck with a complimentary Sands Hotel pen (later re-enacted by Joe Pesci in Casino) much to the raucous amusement of the other bad boys.

Lawford was the only one to take exception and immediately called Martin "the asshole of the Rat Pack" which led to the now famous reply "Maybe so, but If I'm the asshole, you're the taint!!" (editor's note: taint refers to the region between genitalia and anus i.e. it taint one nor the other)

Much martini fueled hilarity ensued. Sinatra grabbed a sheet of paper, scribbled down a few lyrics and dashed off to Nelson Riddle's room, interrupting his customary 4 p.m. "nap" and shooing out the showgirls.

A tune was banged out on the piano, an arrangement hastily conceived, and music was ready on the bandstand for the 11 o'clock 2nd set.

So...Troy calls me an anus, I call him a taint, and like I said, everything old is new again.
Here with thanks to the Nelson Riddle Humantarian Foundation is a bit of the infamous song: (a tad on the blue side...kids should leave the room)

I'm an Asshole - (You're the Taint) F. Sinatra - N. Riddle
(medium swing)

I'm an asshole, you're the taint
I'm so useful, you're so ain't
Without me the world would suck
Nowhere to shit from 'n' one less thing to fuck!

( extended trombone solo)

You're a bit of useless skin
nuthin out and nuthin in
From you I get no sensation
You're the bridge 'n' I'm the destination

(trombone section soli)

Let's agree to disagree
You can't crap and you can't pee
Can't get laid, it's plain to see
All in all, I'd rather be me!!

(segue to Sammy Davis: "I Gotta be Me")

Alright Already!!

2009-07-19T09:31:00.004-04:00

The Blob has been experiencing a noticeable dearth of posts of late, possibly due to the convergence of solar flares, solstice related depression and my moratorium in protest of the tiny stickers they put on individual pieces of fruit.
More likely still is the fact that of late I have been experiencing the joys, agonies, and absurdities of the dating world in all their time consuming glory!
What to do then...leave my loyal readership in the lurch (how can I do that to such a nice guy anyways??!!) as I pursue my own interests or find a compromise position where I can experience the thrill of dating without any of the messy inconvenience. Cue my old pal Troy Huber and his latest business venture. Take it away Troy:

We all aspire to hot babes even as we languish comfortably in our parents' basements. There are so many good shows, so little time. DVDs to catch up on, don't even get me started on comics yet unread, and many as yet unfinished PlayStation 3 projects (exploring the mythical land of Tamriel in Elder Scrolls IV for instance...danger around every norklak!!!) So what of the babes and of "getting out there"?? Of course with computer dating many opportunities are today, merely a click away. But to paraphrase SpiderMan "with great opportunity comes great responsibility" so setting up a date involves getting washed and dressed and actually facing the dreaded spectre of rejection. As far as fear goes, battling Mordleegs in the time dungeon pales in comparison!!
Then it came to me, what if I set up a date with a woman so hot, so unattainable, that I could back out at the last minute fully confident that it was the right thing to have done, and what if I set up a site for the millions of guys like me to have and miss the same impossible opportunity!!!??

And so was born my next business venture: Intimi-Date. Simply fill out your profile and peruse the hundreds of women that we match you with...all laughably and completely out of reach. The rest we leave up to you!!!!

The Di-efication of Michael Jackson

2009-06-29T11:52:00.005-04:00

Michael Jackson was first and foremost a superb entertainer. He could sing really well and dance even better and in tandem with the more talented Quincy Jones came up with one of the best pop albums of all time. Second and foremost he was a tragic figure, a nutcase, a drug and alcohol abuser, and a pedophile. There may have been something weird going on with that chimp too.

Now he's dead and though everyone is expressing shock it seemed kind of inevitable. Despite a projected comeback there was really nowhere left for him to go.

We all know the sad tale, we know about the avaricious, abusive dad, hawking some Blue-ray product on the BET Award red carpet only days after his meal ticket had died. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7im37UtGHkA Looney tune times to be sure but what are we to make of the massive outpouring of grief, mourning and reverant celebration? Puff Daddy (P Diddy?) or as my good friend Troy Huber refers to him; Pap Smeary, even went so far as to suggest that MJ had some degree of responsibility for Obama getting elected. I didn't hang around for the logical explanation. (I'm thinking it may have had something to do with chaos theory in which case I too am in some way responsible ).

Anyways, now we are being subjected to the traditional media orgy in symbiosis with the throngs who hold vigils hoping against hope to be asked a question by a TV reporter.

Tha over reaction to Lady Diana's death has now become the gold standard and Americans will seize upon any opportunity to try to better their former colonial masters in the self flagellating, satcloth (CORRECTION!! the previous word should actually have been Sack cloth. "Satcloth will remain in this post only as a reference for the pedantic and self-laudatory comments that followed) and ashes department.

These people are in fact mourning their own lives, a sad sign of the times. back in the day this kind of thing would never have happened, and would be unheard of today if only more people would believe in our Lord Elvis!

Fallen Victims

2009-06-25T21:34:00.005-04:00

Quite a day, quite a week. This may be far from the proper forum for discussion of varying degrees of tragedy but is after all my forum so....let's go!

For people of my generation that's two icons of our youth gone in one day: Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Both in their own way were tragic figures and victims; Jackson supremely talented and troubled, Fawcett supremely beautiful, in the end a surprisingly good actress,the inventor of mall hair, and winner of the Eberhard-Faber "Nippy" Award (for most outstanding nipples) so many years running that they finally decided to can the ceremony and grant her victory "in perpetuity". Propriety prohibits me from providing any links to this natural phenomenon nor would it be wise of me to suggest typing "farrah fawcett nipples" in the search window of an unfiltered Google images. Not today anyways.

You couldn't help but feel bad for both of them...MJ was designed by his abusive dad to be a creature, not of this earth, but of the stage and Farrah, despite bouts of bizarreness, was finally taken seriously in her career only to be felled by cancer.

Tragic yes but the real tragedy is going on in Iran....not time for me to pontificate, just check the internet for reams of brilliant prose, gut wrenching and inspiring images and tales of people martyring themselves for the very things that we take for granted: http://shooresh1917.blogspot.com/

At times like this it's easy to long for simpler, sepia toned days: a healthy Farrah Fawcett, a 10 year old, black, Michael Jackson, and a pre-Mohammedan Persia....maybe somewhere this still exists.

Speaking of tragedy, how about the US Republican party?
Another day, another sex scandal, this one involving South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, a potential 2112 presidential hopeful : http://www.examiner.com/x-3555-LA-Independent-Examiner~y2009m6d25-Mark-Sanford-wonders-how-do-you-solve-a-problem-like-Maria

The same old story you've all heard a thousand times before: head of state goes AWOL telling no one of his whereabouts other than a cryptic "I'm going hiking in the Appalachians", taking off for a 5 day tryst with some hottie in Buenos Aires then sneaking back home only to have is ingenious plan ruined by some nosy bitch of a reporter...ho hum.

There....I got my "Sanford and Sin" joke in 10 minutes before the Daily Show (I think they'll be going in this direction).

(with apologies)

0% Financing and a Guaranteed Spot in Heaven *

2009-06-18T07:24:00.004-04:00

(*subject to life review. based on availability at time of actual entry. good works will not be taken into account. those of the more ancient mid-eastern faiths are ineligible as are residents of Quebec as stipulated in bill 75.2a)

As we are all well aware, the U.S. auto industry is in a shambles and teetering on the brink of catastrophe. The reasons are many: American complacency, Japanese ingenuity, German ingenuity, Korean ingenuity, Swedish ingenuity, Latvian underhandedness, and the solution thus far has been to throw piles of tax payer money at 2 of the Big 3 auto giants, GM and Chrysler.

Indeed, the latter company, now in 4th place among car manufacturers has partnered with Fiat after declaring hubris, I mean bankruptcy, earlier this spring.

Chrylser in paticular has tried all sorts of stop gap measures and gimmicks over the years but those days are gone says Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne; "We are very happy to be back in the US market, so different from Europe but in many ways the same. Nothing the company has tried over the past 30 or so years really ever worked, with the possible exception of the air rifle give away, so we will be instituting a revolutionary policy shift and shall be announcing an important new partnership in the coming days!"

Of course here at The Blob we have sources who do our bidding (yes, the winged monkeys) and I've got my hands on the latest campaign....there will be some major retooling, and in ways that you can scarcely imagine. Here, have a look:

Let's get real. Maybe we here at Chrysler did get a little too big for our britches. Maybe somewhere along the way we got lost and in doing so have only ourselves to blame now that we've fallen on hard times. By teaming up with Fiat and paring down our operations we will be making major strides to remedy the situation but today Chrylser is proud to announce an important new partnership and a rebranding that fits with the American vision. We've gone upstairs, to the big man himself, as almost any troubled soul would do when nothing else seems to work.

Welcome to Christler....pray with us!!!"

Anything You Can do I Can do Bitter

2009-06-04T10:18:00.006-04:00

Experts Recommend Classifying Bitterness As A Mental Disorder

Arlington, VA (AHN) - Mental health experts are recommending the reclassification of prolonged bitterness as a mental disorder.
The mental ailment is described is a pathological reaction to one negative life event like conflict at work, being laid off, divorce, ailment or separation in which the victim views the event as unjust and a violation of his basic belief and values.

Dr. Michael Linden, the German psychiatrist who named the behavior, explained to CanWest News Service, "People feel wronged, humiliated and that some injustice has been done to them... The critical part is this lasting and very intensive emotional embitterment, a mixture of depression and helplessness and hopelessness.... It's a very nasty emotion." http://www.calgaryherald.com/Health/Bitterness+touted+sanctioned+mental+disorder/1649023/story.html

I usually think of bitterness as one of the 4 tastes that we can perceive along with sweet, salty, and sour. The supposed 5th taste or "Umami" is a bogus attempt by the Japanese to assert their self-proclaimed sensory superiority over those of us in the West....or is it?
Umami is produced by Glutamic acid, also known as "xianwei" to the Chinese (literally; "Fresh Flavor"...which just turns out to be the name of 17% of all Deejays) This so called flavor, meaty and savory, actually has specific taste receptors on our tongue.
Big deal!! I bet there are thousands of receptors all over our body that we have yet to discover. Wait!!!...I just invented a new flavor
so now there are 6. It's called Steven and is reminiscent of the flavor of high school gym clothes.(it's a long story which I won't be discussing here, so I was f***ed up in high school...sue me!!!)
Thanks to the discovery of "umami" in 1908, by a Japanese scientist working with seaweed, we now have MSG. Those headaches and that mysterious white rash on your tongue after eating oriental food...thank the Japanese!!

But enough about taste. The bitterness referred to in the article is a whole other story. We all know a bitter person or two and are they fun to be around or what???

Whereas someone like myself may feel that life is too short to harbor this type of resentment the bitter person feels that life is too short because there is not enough time to right wrongs and get back at all those who have caused him harm. This is why the older an embittered person gets the worse the problem becomes. We all know about the biological clock but this is more a psychological timepiece and one of the few human processes that can ripen and mature well into the 80's.
I'm glad bitterness is finally getting it's due and officially achieving recognition as a treatable condition. All those years of languishing in unofficial limbo....somehow I'll never be able to forgive the bastards and assholes who were responsible for this!

Making the Cu t

2009-06-03T08:44:00.005-04:00

Eaton Beaver said...
Dear Blob,

Thank God you're back! I have been trying to talk my girlfriend into getting a Brazillian wax, but she is hesitant and thinks it will hurt way too much. Normally I wouldn't care, but she's Greek you see, and needs some serious bushwackin' if you catch my drift. What can I say or do to convince her?

Yes Eaton, looks like I'm back in the nick of time, heaven forbid you should choke on a pube!!
There's no getting around it; a Brazilian wax job hurts, especially for those women who happen to be members of the more hirsute ethnicities. Take a look at the following video and give pause for a moment's thanks as you watch this parade of intrepid gals taking one for the team.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKRKo113xwA
That being said I do appreciate your concern and have been working overtime to help find an answer. My researchers (a crack team if ever there was one) have come back with what promises to be a virtually painless solution and have found me a new sponsor in the process!!

Intimate grooming has long been a concern for many women and here at Groomsman Inc. we've been catering to your depilation and lawn care needs since 1955. 25 years ago a revolution in miniaturization allowed us to shrink down our basic technology and bring our fine products literally "from the back yard to the front door!"
Now thousands of husbands and non-militant lesbians swear by our products as do multitudes of women who still nurse the scars of Brazilian waxings gone wrong.
You'll turn this:

Into this:

in no time!!!

The Making of "What Was I Waiting For??"

2009-05-31T11:36:00.006-04:00
TROY HUBER writes:

Wouldn't mind knowing the steps that went into that bizarre photoshopping job on your ten commandments illustration

The process or processes involved in tranforming the photo at left into the one on the right are what we in the blogging community refer to
as "trade secrets".

My mandate is to answer any and all questions so despite an almost certain reprimand from the Union I'll come clean.

The effect in question while apparently easy to achieve is actually quite labour intensive.
Here then in note form is how I went about creating yesterday's image:

After sitting for a 2 hour Motion Capture session where dozens of retroreflective markers were glued to my face, a negative 3D casting of my head was made in plaster of Paris.

After realizing we forgot to remove the markers before the mold was made we started over.

After realizing there was no need for the extensive motion capture procedure we went for lunch. (I had the tuna wrap)

With the mold now dry a latex "positive" was made and left to harden.

Once removed and cleaned it was wrapped in a thin fiberglass and resin mesh and shipped off to Madame Tussaud's in London where it was rendered in wax and shipped over to George Lucas' Industrial Light and Magic in California.

Here the beard was formed by painstakingly removing the hair and some skin from a live Mandrill's face and ass (3 weeks from retirement and a fat IATSE pension, R.I.P. Jimmy Mahoney)

The removed materials were then shipped off to Sri lanka where rotating shifts of nimble fingered children completed the Moses beard which was then Fedexed back to I L and M for final touch up before affixing it to the waxen head.
Assembly was done in stages by seperate teams to preserve secrecy and the finished product was emailed to my Mother for final approval.
Believe it or not: Charleton Heston's left hand in the original photo is in the exact position to play the famous chord at the beginning of The Beatle's "Hard Days Night". That's right...the very chord given to George Harrison, in a vision, by God himself!! http://www.noiseaddicts.com/2008/11/beatles-hard-days-night-mystery-chord-solved/

What Was I Waiting For??

2009-05-29T15:25:00.002-04:00

More than 2 months and no new post. "What's up with that?" you may well ask and the more strident among you may even chime in with "Where the f**k have you been, assface??!!??"

Let's just say that with my personal life in upheaval I let The Blob take a back seat and have been waiting for a sign...a way back in. A way to resume the blog which for more than two years has been a source of mirth for 10's of people world wide!!

Today, in a conversation with a virtual stranger we discussed, by pure chance, the Jewish holiday called Shavuot or to us non-Hebrew speakers the more familar Shavuous (pronounced sha-voo-iss)

Having spent many years at Hebrew school I've heard about this holiday but wasn't paying attention when they told us what it was about (every year for 7 years).

My only reall connection with the holiday was in the idiomatic expression of impatience "What are you waiting for...Shavuous???" (always to be said with a slightly annoyed whine)

Well today just so happens to be Shavuous, the celebration of God giving Moses the 10 commandments on Mount Sinai.

Just as Moses left his flock for a time to go off by himself to do some soul searching so have I.

Just as Moses was given the 10 commandments I too recieved a visitation and a special message in the form of a bearded postman with a coupon for Quizno's. That's right Quizno's with it's great sandwiches and "fixins" bar where you can customize your meal with the now famous "10 condiments"(really sorry about that).

So yes.....I was waiting for a sign and yes, I guess all this time I have indeed been waiting for Shavuous.

It's great to be back. Tell your friends: It's Blob time once again!!

It's That Time of the Year Again

2009-03-25T10:15:00.004-04:00

You may have guessed that something was up yesterday with the dick-related post and with yet another one today your suspicions are now confirmed; it is indeed Venezuelan National Penis Week once again (as declared by president for life Hugo Chavez only a few years ago). A quick check of the archives will reveal a mid-December date but the holiday, as decreed by El Presidente, moves back and forth month-wise, between December and March. http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/12/members-only.html

http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/12/venezuelan-national-penis-week-at-blob.html

To celebrate I've unearthed a clip from last February dealing with a beloved TV character....I missed it when it first aired, sort of just slipped through the crack I guess, but thanks to the internet here it is as fresh, relevant, and penisy as ever:

http://www.tvshark.com/read/?art=arc3132

Oh What a Night!!

2009-03-24T23:23:00.005-04:00

Alaska's Mount Redoubt Erupts -- and Erupts and Erupts -- Five Times in One Night

March 23, 2009

Mount Redoubt, Alaska has finally erupted after two long months of teasing with tremors and steam puffs. The first eruption took place at 10:38 pm March 22, 2009. This initial eruption was estimated to have shot ash just below 20,00 feet in the air and rose the alert level from
Orange/Watch which was elevated after a small hiccup last week, to Red/Warning. Mount redoubt has erupted four more times following the first eruption on Sunday evening. The second at 11:02 pm, the third at 12:14 am March 23, 2009, a forth at 1:39 am, and the most recent at 4:37 am. As of yet the highest cloud height has been an impressive 50,000 feet.

So begins the newswire report about the mountain's first eruption in a lengthy 20 year refractory period.

Young in geological terms and virile by any standards, this stud of a volcano put on a show that had many a nearby hillock quaking and shivering in response.

Mt. Redoubt, shown at left enjoying a post eruption smoke, spewed its final load close to 15,000 meters. Mused visiting vulcanologist Spenk Urmler; "That was quite an impressive display....5 times, and such height!! I can go once a night, maybe twice and I'm lucky if I can hit the computer screen!"

(ed. note: Bad Segue Alert)

And while we're on the subject of male sexuality let me invite you to follow this link to an interview by Terry Gross with the actor Jason Segel (pictured below). Terry Gross, of the venerable NPR program Fresh Air, is perhaps the finest interviewer on the continent but she outdoes herself here with what may be the very best question I've ever heard followed by an answer from Segel that is every bit as incredible. This will be well worth your while....trust me (don't worry, it's funny and in no way educational.) http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=102232289&m=102241615

A Whiff of Spring

2009-03-18T08:58:00.003-04:00

It's that magical time of the year once again here in the North country. Hearts hardened by a winter's worth of miserable cold now thaw like the crud covered piles of snow that encase our cities. There's a sense of promise and renewal in the air and also the unmistakeable aromas that accompany this annual transition to springtime. As happy as we are about the return of warm weather just think of how overjoyed our dogs are; dogs, who experience the world through senses that have been honed to a keen edge by eons of evolution. Their noses are 7,000,000 times more sensitive than our own (ed note: possibly an exaggeration) and their hearts at least as big. Imagine then their joy, as a simple walk outdoors becomes a canine version of trolling through FaceBook looking up old pals. The frozen turds of January (turn of phrase available for book or movie. Prices may vary) are warming now as well and as they do they give of fragrant hints of friends who have passed by long ago. If you think we, with our limited sensory capacity, are happy these days just imagine our beloved furry companions.

If only there was a way to give them this joy during the more or less housebound winter months.

Here at The Blob we've scanned the internet and have found just such a product. They've been added to the sponsor list...did someone say "spring is in the air"?

Speaking of dogs here's a little clip that you may find amusing;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJYqMhIYw58

A New Sponsor (yay)

2009-03-11T15:05:00.009-04:00

Satellites colliding, an asteroid coming dangerously close to Earth.....stories in the news of late and stories that will be repeated more frequently, if what trusted scientists and engineers are telling us, is true.

Here at Pro-Techs our goal is not to alarm but to protect you, the consumer, from these impending disasters and with that in my mind we are proud to unveil The ASTRO 3000; the very lastest in space debris and asteroid cranial protection.

Our latest model comes from the factory straight to you with many exciting new safety features including a space age Absorbotron interior and the new LOMS (large object motion sensor) system for maximum comfort and protection.

Leave your house with confidence wearing a new ASTRO 3000!!

The 7 Good Qualities - #3: Tact

2009-03-05T10:25:00.002-05:00

Paradise Girl said:

Ah Maria, if you're going to take the Blob in a contest at least make it a fair one!!! You know he has forsaken drinking booze so choose another talent like a bake off or eating him under the table.

This excerpted comment, courtesy of Turks or Caicos resident Paradise Girl, will help me illustrate Good Quality #3. You see...the Maria she refers to is none other than Blob regular Maria Callous, the young and voluptuous daughter of 2 dear friends, also habitual Blobites.

The comment presented me with a moral dilemma in the guise of a fabulous straight line, i.e. the last 5 words. An innocuous, idiomatic expression sure enough but at just a slightly different angle all sorts of images of another type of interesting contest emerge.

I've decided to take the high road and forsake all manner of crude punchlines because I think of young Maria as my daughter or niece or at very least the perverted, sinful, daughter or niece I never had. In so doing I am displaying TACT, the very quality that seperates us from the wild beasts that populate the land, sea and sky of our fragile planet.

TACT is the art of appropriate behaviour and timing, discernment, and context are its essence.

A chimp, for instance, has no qualms about eating his own excrement in public but most of us wouldn't be caught dead engaging in such a vile demonstration.

I won't take the bait Paradise Girl and any suggestions, even of the "golden straight line" variety, about having Maria "eat me under the table" have fallen on deaf and tactful ears.

Let me be an example to us all!!

The 7 Good Qualities - #2: Reliability

2009-02-28T23:03:00.004-05:00

Gerbil Day: A Lesson in Reliability

Every March 2nd Augusto Munoz, a lonely single man from Onansville, Tennesee, emerges from his apartment with his pet gerbil Pépé carefully tucked into the cleft of his buttocks. At the annual ceremony he squats down in front of the assembled local dignitaries to reveal a sizeable plumber's crack and then the waiting begins. Within minutes the tiny and inquisitive rodent emerges...if the weather is temperate enough it will run away and winter will be short lived. If it is too cold he'll return to his cozy hollow and winter will overstay its welcome.
Spring will eventually follow, as welcome and reliable as Augusto and his gerbil. Seasonal traditions, no matter how vile, and especially those based on folk wisdom, help to humanize us all. Let's remember Augusto and little Pépé as we try to be reliable...the 2nd of the "7 good qualities".

The 7 Good Qualities - #1: Loyalty

2009-02-27T16:06:00.003-05:00

A wise man once said "A picture is worth 1,000 words" and a somewhat wiser man said "Tastelessness is in the eye of the beholder." With those 2 axioms in mind take a look at this picture and let me know what you think.

I've heard that one of my regular readers, Maria Callous, has found God after not drinking for 7 days in a row so apologies in advance. OK then...here it is:

Now Here's a Great Question!!

2009-02-23T21:16:00.005-05:00

Nel said...
Why did I ever stop reading the Blob? It's genius!
As we all know, The Blob is at heart an advice column. It says so in the masthead so it must be true and even though I stray into other areas of commentary and observation I cherish moments like these when a question comes my way....OK, time for my answer.

Few of you know that I spent one summer at the FBI Profiling Camp for Teens. (slogan: We already know who you are) I was very shy and my parents figured that if I wasn't talking to girls at least I'd be able to figure them out from a distance by developing insight into the human psyche and improving stalking and observation techniques. My counselor/trainer was an old FBI operative named Arnold "Lick" Spittleman.
His gruff, world weary demeanor belied a crusty interior and he took me under his wing, teaching me everything that he knew about figuring who people were before knowing them, or without ever getting to know them for that matter.
So....who is this Nel and how can I answer her question:
She's easily distracted, flighty even -enjoyed The Blob yet stopped reading it.
She's college age...I'd say early 20's - the phrase "it's genius!" is a dead give away.
Well educated - most if not all Blob regular readers, even the lapsed ones, are.
Spontaneous and enthusiastic - exclamation mark usage.
Somewhat unsure of herself, insecure but with a healthy sexual attitude - the self doubt inherent in the question and again, her love of The Blob.
Probably a good looking brunette - educated guess/wishful thinking
I plugged these traits plus a few other character elements or "personemes" into my computer's FBI L'il Profiler software and it spat out a few possible examples of what a Nel or Nel-type would look like .
( ed. note: while Blob regular Maria Callous is a good looking brunette, she lacks the appropriate personemes to fit this particular profile)

So, long answer short, Nel is the kind of person who is faithful yet flighty, knows a good thing when she sees it and yet will deny herself pleasure simply because she forgets that she deserves it. Keep on reading The Blob Nel, and Welcome Back!!!

Obama-Valentine's Day-The Interview: Another Blob Exclusive

2009-02-14T21:57:00.004-05:00

Preamble from the President of the United States of America:

Why The Blob? Why Valentine's Day? These are questions that would instantly come to mind and let me assure you that I am well aware of this.

Look...The Blob was one of my many grassroots supporters, a blog that backed me 100% after backing Hillary 100% and jumping ship when it became clear that I'd get the nomination. That being said, I have a few thoughts about Valentine's Day that I need to vent, The Blob has an exceedingly small readership so therefore any damage from my possibly incendiary comments will be minimal. Let's begin the interview.

Bl.- Welcome Mr. President, it's an honor and a privilege to have you here and may I add my belated congratulations on your

B.O.- Let's get on with it please...you've probably heard that I'm rather busy these days.

Bl.- Sorry sir. Ok then...I'm just a bit nervous is all (nervous,muffled laughter).

I've heard tell that you have a problem with Valentine's Day...could you elaborate please?

B.O.- Sure. I'm all for celebrating love but it has to be a 2 way street and these days, well, have you seen the commercials on TV? It's always about the man getting something for the woman, never the other way around. I've had a couple of my staffers researching this and they reckon that it's 100% of the ads that skew this way. What are we being told? That women's affection has to be bought with flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, what have you and on the day that we're told?? I haven't bought Michelle a thing on February 14th in years and she's fine with it...trust me on this one.

(Michelle Obama enters office and pulls up a chair)

M.O.- Good afternoon gentlemen (wry wink).

Happy Valentine's Day to the both of you. Barack honey....check under your pillow....you'll be glad you did.

B.O.- What a surprise dear. We were just talking about this special day! But then again I try to make every day Valentine's Day.

M.O.- Not that cop out again. You know that I expect this day to be special darling and I'm sure you're going to surprise me. It's too early in your presidency to be putting our relationship on the back burner and even though you've been fighting like mad to save this economy of ours I know you've taken a couple of minutes to think of me. I'd be pretty upset if you hadn't actually....I'd turn your stimulus package into a severance package if you know what I mean.

B.O.- (nervous, muffled laughter) Well you realize hon that it's not how much you love the people you know, it's how much you know the people you love.

M.O.-President puhleease!!! Spare me the lofty rhetoric....it won you an election but that's about it. I want a dozen roses or some chocolate truffles, maybe a teddy bear on my side of the bed by 9:30 or you can say goodbye to Hot Toddy (ed. note: pet name for her genital area named after Abe Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd) for the rest of this fiscal quarter. (Michelle turns and makes a hasty exit)

BL- As you were saying sir?

B.O.- There's no need to be a smartass now, is there? This interview is over!

BL.- OK Mr. President...I've got a box of chocolates in my car. I bought them for my Mom then remembered that she's a diabetic...OOPS!! (entire room convulses in riotous laughter) Do you want em??

B.O.- Ummm, yeah...sure.

What an interview, what an honour!! I agree that Valentine's day is a crock of shit BUT just to be on the safe side I'm sending out this song to the one I love. I mean every word that these other people have thought of, written down, and set to music. Phyllis...you're the greatest!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alvEUFJtMw8&feature=related

Happy Birthday Charlie

2009-02-13T00:12:00.003-05:00

Charles Darwin turns 200 today (yesterday actually, according to my watch) and in the 150 years since the publishing of On the Origin of Species his genius and insight into the workings of nature's hand have been proven time and time again. Indeed, it would be years before biologists and geneticists found the mechanism of genetic mutation which allowed for natural selection to take place.
Undenied prescience yes, but Darwin's theory was never able to account for well documented instances of de-evolution. My premise begins with the postulation, supported by a vast amount of research, that drums were the first musical instrument. Rather than launch into a lengthy explanation I'll use a simple illustration to demonstrate my point....you'll get the
picture.

Watch This!!

2009-02-10T22:32:00.003-05:00

Thanks go out to the wonderful composer Robert Jones for this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka-sHA74N40 Words cannot do it justice so just click and enjoy.

In a tangentially related story Muzak Corp. has filed for bankruptcy. The elevator music people once thought to be immune from even the most severe economic downturn may soon be no more. Said company spokeswoman Susan Strepco: "We were as surprised as anyone by the recent numbers...I guess in retrospect switching to an all euphonium format was a bad move."

Where to Begin or: And Baby Makes 15

2009-02-08T18:48:00.007-05:00
By now you've all heard about Nadya Suleman, the single mother of 6 who literally gave birth to a litter of 8 more babies. Since a picture of, or comments by her were unavailable we were left to decide by ourselves where we stood on this issue using only our prejudices as our guide. Which of these females do you think is Suleman??:

If you said #4 then you were right.......I mean #2, so you can put those images of a backwards, peasanty, hijab wearing, woman back in the racist drawer where they belong ! (over there, next to the pantry of iniquity)

She finally gave an interview a few days ago. If you missed it here you go: http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=28485500
Listen and judge for yourselves.....the $165,000 settlement she received from Workman's Comp apparently went for collagen injections in her lips...how she navigates through the rest of her life is anyone's guess. How she breast feeds the little one's is a subject I've been worrying about and I may be able to help, thanks to my friends at Wet Nurses Without Borders.

The wet nurse......no , not that kind of wet nurse you losers (you know who you are!!) practices a time honored tradition that in the west was commonly used by royalty, who had too many babies to take care of themselves. As a result, breast feeding came to be looked upon as something poor people did. Now that the health benefits of mother's milk are beyond question finding a real wet nurse is more difficult...this is where WNWB comes in. Buxom young women in the prime of life volunteer their services for the greater good and those like Nadya Suleman will surely benefit. Failing that there's option B: the Milk Bank. Only one such supplier exists in Canada, out West I believe, which means that the time is ripe for someone...maybe me, to open my own. I think I'm the right man for the job, after all, the prudes at FaceBook recently censored a page that featured breast feeding mother's with exposed boobies. This prompted me, apalled as I was, to start the group "Very Immature Men for the Right of Lactating Women to Bare Their Breasts"
I'll hold milk drives, Red Cross style, and be on hand to oversee the operation, even pitching in with the extraction should need be.. Great plan eh?? I'll get to work 1st thing tomorrow but now it's probably a good idea to sleep on it. G'Night all.....

How Low Can You Go??

2009-02-02T23:58:00.004-05:00

Say it ain't so Michael Phelps. The American olympic wunderkind is all over the news of late with the recently released photo of him and a bong of some sort, allegedly used for the purpose of inhaling marijuana. His gold medal haul made him an instant international idol to adults as well as legions of kids and now his millions of dollars worth of endorsement deals appear to be in jeopardy. No....not because of a harmless toke, that actually shows that he's cool, according to most ad execs The Blob was able to contact.

My sources at the British rag; News of the World, have sent me tomorrow's front page and it's a doozie!! Apparently the college party Phelps was attending had more than its fair share of marching band geeks and the swimming star, blitzed out of his mind, grabbed a euphonium (possibly a baritone...at press time this was still unclear) and made a complete fool of himself.

He already has a look that some say is a bit doofusy and paired with one of the more lame instruments.....well....companies have been jumping off the Phelps band wagon like fleas off a flaming vole.

He has already issued a statement fresh on the heels of yesterday's grass related one and here it is, reprinted for readers of The Blob:

"I admitted yesterday that my marijuana use was a youthful mistake and will not be repeated, unfortunately the same cannot be said for my ill conceived use of a euphonium. In what amounts to a complete lapse in judgement and good taste I now realize that I have let down so many and may have done irreparable damage to my marketable image as a cool, wildly successful, olympian.
I suppose I could blame the whole unfortunate episode on a childhood marred by sexual abuse and alcoholic parents but this would be too easy. Something else is at play here and I will take the next several months to do some serious soul searching before I am ready to return to the public spotlight. Tomorrow you will see a picture of me playing a euphonium and you will
thing that I'm a gigantic dork. I understand...please forgive me."

Rebusing on a Sunday Afternoon

2009-02-01T12:51:00.007-05:00

It's time once again for some rebuses (rebi?) and as always there will be prizes galore for our clever winner. Some of the clues are a tad esoteric but over all these should be a snap. Let's get going then:

It's fun for you and time consuming for me which helps keep me from focusing on the miseries of human existence...enjoy!!

Past winners have included the mayor of Red Deer, Al, young Jeremy Bouw and even younger basement dweller Troy Huber. Good Luck!!

To the Video Tape

2009-01-25T17:04:00.003-05:00

When semi-regular contributor Dixx starts ferreting out gems on the internet I can only sit back and say thank you. He's a kindred spirit, a fellow prospector who, like many of us, enjoys squatting down next to a bubbling torrent of streaming video and panning for those shining nuggets of cyber-gold.
The first clip leads to the 2 he sent for no other reason then that it's first. It shows that people were just as creative and naked in the 80's as they are today:
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=4Rv8fcJeGAU&feature=related

Here are the 2 amazing ones Dixx sent:
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=z46jvbZdP2g
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=rgtN-CtU_BU&feature=related

The final clip deals with Flarf, an intentionally awful form of poetry. Often vulgar, always bad, occasionally Google generated, the term, according to Wikipedia, "was coined by Gary Sullivan in late 2000, when he submitted deliberately bad poems to Poetry.com's poetry "contest" (actually a marketing scheme) as a way of testing Poetry.com's supposed standards for excellence. (It should be noted that the practice of Poetry.com-baiting predates flarf itself; many other individuals, including syndicated humorist Dave Barry, have engaged in similar pranks.)"
Apparently all submissions are accepted at the site but you have to pay to get them printed in their anthology....nice. Anyways, here's an example. If you like the 1st one; "Annoying Diabetic Bitch" then keep on listening. They only get worse.
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=HZI8DsouAK8

Inauguration Eve...It's "Inspiracial"

2009-01-19T16:34:00.003-05:00

This is no time for irony, no time for callousness...... history is about to be made. Haters like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly have cranked up the negative rhetoric but the US voters have spoken and millions will be in Washington tomorrow to bear witness to their own handiwork. Barack Obama is brilliant, full of youthful vigor, insight, and creativity. Our cousins to the south, tired of George Bush and his old school, divisive politics, have overcome centuries of racism to elect an African American and now we wait to see if the promise of greatness will be borne out.

Will there be an economic bailout, will taxes be cut, will there be consensus building, and what of Gitmo, the infamous terrorist detention center that will supposedly be shut down within days.

Hollywood supported Obama all along and now comes news that the TV networks will be tailoring some mid-season replacement shows to be in step with the new zeitgeist.
1st among equals is a new show loosely based on boy terror suspect Omar Khadr, the impressionable Canadian teen with f**ked up parents who has been stranded in Gitmo for years after being accused (wrongly perhaps) of tossing a grenade at a military police officer.
The premise is that he gets released and goes back to high school in the inner city where he is re-introduced to western ways by his prof, the gruff but benign Mr. Hawkman, played, in a brilliant casting move, by a resurrected Donald Rumsfeld!! (he can act too!!) It's a tough school and discipline is a frequent issue...nothing Mr. Hawkman, his associate Hugo and their trusty waterBoard of Education can't handle.

Here's the theme song:

WELCOME BACK KHADR

Welcome back
Obama's shut Gitmo down
Welcome back
to high school in Brooklyn town

You got used to some difficult obstacles
like electrodes attached to your testicles

You can get an education(get an education)
without sleep deprivation (sleep deprivation)

Yeah, he blew up a cop but the charges were all dropped
welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Passing The Reins

2009-01-10T11:03:00.005-05:00
Every once in a great while I'll get a question tossed my way that I won't respond to. Not because I don't know the answer or couldn't make one up in a pinch, but because on that particular day I'm too lazy. Today is just such a day...a warming chinook wind has brought relief to the snowbound countryside and so I will luxuriate for a while on the couch next to the picture window as I pass the reins (she supplies her own whip....nice touch!!) to The Blob's resident expert on etiquette and behaviour modification; Miss DeMeanor.

Dear Miss DeMeanor,

On a recent plane flight I was virtually assaulted by the person either directly behind or in front of me. We were all lucky enough to have 3 seats to ourselves, "lucky" I thought, until I realized that one of my neighbours was passing gas every 10-15 minutes. Honestly, the stench was so vile that I could taste it and it hung in the air for at least a minute. Holding my breath didn't work nor did angling the overhead air nozzles. This was not only rude but also anonymous and as such could have led others nearby to assume that it was I who was the culprit. Miss deMeanor, what is one to do in such a situation??

signed,
Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Dear maggot,

This is indeed a difficult situation but not without a few possible solutions. First is; grow a pair, but we know that's not going to happen so let's move on.

Tighter security since 9-11 means that attaching electrodes to the testicles/labia of the presumed culprit is out of the question (plus, if I read correctly, you couldn't tell who it was) as is bringing a gas mask on board...too likely to evoke suspicion.

Perhaps donning a baseball cap with an appropriate message at just the right time would work, maybe unfurling a small banner......
You'd think that the clients who come to my office/dungeon wouldn't dare fart in my presence and yet they do!! They must be gluttons for punishment but again, this isn't helping at all I'm afraid.
Here's a poem my Grand Dad used to read to me (Shelley, I believe) and these words of wisdom may help put things in perspective;

Hast thou ever loosed a tainted zephyr
from twixt thy southern cheeks
Like cutting into ripened cheese
foul Lucifer, it reeks
Exacerbated asthma
by unleashing a miasma
Killed a flock of lark
passing gas whilst in the park
Felled a herd of oxen
just by hissing out your toxin.....
Humble peasant or our Saviour
Tis' but human, this behaviour
Nature doth compel it
so relax, sit back, and smell it
We are but sweet flowers neath the nose of God.

OK you snivelling piece of crap...that's a lot more answer than you deserve. Gotta run, my 12:30 tabasco enema is here (loser).

The 2nd or 3rd Annual (honestly....who can be bothered to check)Blob Year in Review

2008-12-31T22:14:00.005-05:00

2008 was a difficult and momentous year worldwide and things were no different here at The Blob. A marked decline hereabouts in post production coincided with the international economic meltdown and the growing threat of global warming (and my stint in rehab for an on-line word game addiction didn't help either). Still, I averaged almost 1 post every 3 days which is a lot better than say, the sultry Maureen Dowd with her addictions (I'm hoping sex and over the counter pain medication!!) and I include pictures and The Blob is free!!

The year started off like a house on fire, January coming in with a whopping 14 posts (all quality and some of them golden). The "I Have a Dreamsicle" ad of January 22nd Tastelessness in Advertising was 1st among equals with Honourable mention to Viagra Noodle Man with too much time on his hands and a brilliant idea seeking investors. (Jan.23).

February, with 12 posts was a solid month and the fan favorites were (yes..a tie) from the 12th day titled: The Blob Book Corner and from the 7th:Write if You Get Work
March and a hefty 18 posts!! St. Patrick's Day Tribute!! with it's lovely tale about the origins of the Irish style of dance was a personal favorite.
April...15 posts...winner: Yesterday "T".....Today "A" (happy now??!!??) all praise YouTube.
May...13 posts...How can I not cite the post concerning my past love, Michaelle Jean: Hey Sarkozy; Get your Brie covered hands off of her!!!
June...13 posts...toss up: Setting the Record Straight , Worst Movie Ever!! both featuring Blob regular BoneMikester.
July....way down to 8 posts and winner by virtue of its title: Gneiss Cock!!
August..ouch , only 4 posts (but I was away in Alberta): An Important Message from the Editorial Staff I admitted I was addicted to the word game Scramble and Nan Wilkinson was introduced as guest Blogger
September...a respectable 8 posts...#1: A Dog's Life Nan's swan song.
October...2 posts...let's move on shall we??
November...only 5 posts, but still.... Blob Update - The 1st Fifty Years OK maybe a somewhat self indulgent choice but it's my blog. Bite me!
December...7 posts...not too bad. Those naked Japanese girls playing trombones = No contest: Bush de Noel
Just enough time for some sushi before 2009. Oh yeah, my resolutiuon for the coming year: No more hi fives, celebratory or ironic. The fist bump is more sanitary and will be seen as a sign of solidarity with the Obamas. Happy New Year etc.

Follow the Bouncing Balls

2008-12-30T19:21:00.005-05:00
The end of the year is nigh and it's time to tie up a loose end or two. Recently a Blob regular in the guise of Richie Cunningham's Mom, Mrs. Cunningham, wanted some information on Ponzi schemes, the pyramid-type swindle perpetrated by now infamous Wall St. con man Bernard Madoff, for 30 some odd years and only recently uncovered.

Wouldn't ya know it...I have an answer, but like everything else economy related these days it's a bit convoluted. I urge you to bear with me and hunker down, settle in, sit back etc. as I present the new concept of Conspiridence, (that grey area between conspiracy theory and coincidence) and apply it to the current Ponzi situation in particular and the larger field of sociopathic behaviour, especially as it relates to men entrusted with power and/or our money, who should know better.

Those of us who've never come face to face with a con man imagine a Prof. Harold Hill type from the Music Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI
(the Simpson's "Monorail Guy" for you kids out there http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC56hnyiP_s&feature=related).
A sweet talkin' fellah who could sell you anything, has almost no regard for others and at the core genuinely believes we're all dumb marks just waiting to be taken. These guys (sometimes gals too) have chutzpah to spare or in other words; the biggest balls in the room.

OK...meat and potatos time: When I first heard about Madoff and the Ponzi scheme (named after Charles Ponzi, one of the most notorious conmen of all time) it occurred to me that by combining two beloved Happy Days character names; Potsie and Fonzie, we arrived at the word Ponzi. That was only the beginning. All three of them have thick, luxurious hair and Anson Williams (who played Potsie) was born in 1949, the very year that Charles Ponzi died!!

By combining Potsie's likeability and trustworthiness with Fonzie's charisma and big balledness we get the archetypal conman persona. In fitting with true conspiridence theory this leads directly to the 3 men who displayed the biggest balls of all in 2008. Here's a little chart I put together that should help out:

All three, presented from left to right in order of testicle size, displayed unparalleled hubris:
Edwards by running for president as an earnest defender of the downtrodden while cheating on his devoted, cancer ridden wife.

Blagojevich, by trying to profit from a great moment in history (thereby tarnishing it and Obama in the process), refusing to relinquish power once arrested, and today, after attempts to sell the senate seat backfired, appointing a new Illinois senator despite pleas not to.

Bernard Madoff, by running a scam for 3 decades that bilked billions from reputable charities and trusting investors alike destroying thousands of nest eggs in the process.
In the grand scheme of things Ponzi with his hair and conartistry leads to the combined name and personality of Potsie/Fonzie who channel the hair and callousness on to Blagojevich and Edwards and actual sociopathology and Ponzi scheme itself to Madoff!!
Madoff's flimsy pyramid crumbled because the economy tanked and people wanted to cash in their investment gains. He'd never actually invested anything and was just using new investor's money to pay off other investors. Now, with the stock market in free fall, there were no new investors and he owed billions of dollars which he didn't have. Game over
That's the beauty of conspiridence.....a few baseless inferences, a couple of cobbled together coincidences and you've got yourself a grassroots movement, a book deal and a speaking tour (see 9-11 conspiracy theories). I guess it's true what they say about a sucker being born every minute...now buy my book.

THE BLOB CHANUKKAH SPECTACULAR!!!

2008-12-23T19:30:00.002-05:00
It's here again...the Festival of Lights, the celebration of spiritual renewal made tangible by the rededication of an ancient temple by a hardy band of warriors and the miracle of the sacred oil that burned for 8 days when lo, there wast nary enough for one.
Crank up those menorahs (the candle thingies), fry up some latkes (traditional dish made of equal parts oil, potato, and salt) and bring out the dreidels (spinning 4 sided tops) for a rousing game or two...it's Channukah time again!!! It was the finest story of all until the darn Christians came along like an obnoxious guest at a not too bad party and one-upped us with the so called "greatest story ever told!!" (so they have a better marketing department...big schmeal)
Let's first take a look back in the archives...and you thought dreidels were just for kids!!
http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2006/12/with-chanukkah-fast-approaching-its.html
http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/12/channukah-goes-chai-tech.html

This year the excitement ante gets ratcheted up a peg with news that Nintendo and it's wildly popular Wii console have added a virtual dimension to the traditional game of chance. All the action that we've come to love is still there only now we twist the controller and operate a joystick/thumb lever to spin the small toy. The suspense builds to a fever pitch and the boys in The Blob test lab were up all night waiting to see who'd come out ahead as the top came to a halt...gimmel, shinn, beth, noon...which Hebrew letter would it be and who would collect the wagered passel of cyber-walnuts??!!?? Allergic to walnuts?? Change the option setting to almonds or raisins. It's as easy as tweaking a couple of knobs!!
Buy the premium addition and build and kiln fire your own dreidel on-line. Clay so life-like you'd swear it was the real thing..."I almost plotzed" said Lou Haberman of Haberman Toys Inc.

Bush de Noel

2008-12-22T14:07:00.011-05:00

Christmas wishes do come true and especially so here at The Blob. Only days ago a young girl implored me to return to the source material that had captured the imagination of those like-minded spirits the world over. A while back I'd somehow lucked upon the winning combination of low brass instruments and naked women, generically referred to here as "tits, ass, and euphonium". This, for me, was like finding the mother lode....a rich vein of golden material that magically never seems to get old.
I'll be the first to admit that I've gotten caught up in the geo-political events of the day and have strayed from the very content that attracted most of my readers in the first place. This is all too evident in my recent Blob posts.
As we sit today, perched eagerly on the holiday doorstep, how appropriate then that a young girl's plea for more T, A, and E has made me think once again about the value of tradition. It binds all cultures and religions and is the very stuff that holidays are made of. The Blob has it's holiday traditions too and with that in mind here's that perennial seasonal favorite ; a jaunty march from Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker played by the greatest orchestra ever!!! http://www.flurl.com/item/Naked_Asian_Orchestra_u_202435
It's out of tune, the string section is synthesized, yet somehow these pert Japanese girls make it work. Even as we enjoy this 3 hanky performance we should keep in mind that Tchaikovsky would be turning in his grave; not because it's out of tune or even that the string section is synthesized but mostly because the orchestra is made up entirely of pert Japanese girls.
I've heard tell that this very same ensemble does a wicked version of the Dreidel Song.
If you need me I'll be googling.

Blobophile of the Year - 2008 Edition

2008-12-20T14:55:00.018-05:00

It's hard to believe that another year has come and gone and that the holiday season is once again upon us. It's a special time with that heady blend of good cheer and masochism tinged by nostalgia for a simpler time when people hated each other a lot but nobody talked about it too much.
2008 was a momentous year around the world and here at The Blob it was an important and transitional period as well.
A regular contributor (Mama C.) turned me on to an on-line boggle type game and I ended up in rehab. The reins were handed over to a contest winner named Nan Wilkinson and the tone around here changed to the point where I had to cut short my stay and return to man the fort once again.

While I've not fully recovered (today, for instance, is not such a good day) and post frequency is way down, that shouldn't stop us from celebrating the 1st annual Blobophile of the Year award.

So many people graced these pages in 2008, either as contributors or subjects, that it was hard to make a final decision, but with the help of my editorial staff and the good folks at Tim Horton's (thanks for the extra crullers Saleema!!) we managed to close the deal during the wee hours of the morning.
Our policy is simple: The person or animal, real or fictional, who created the most buzz.
The short list came down to:
BoneMikester....that voice in the wilderness who with his many alter egos, sturdy British sensibilities, and flare for the language of Shakespeare, proved time and again that the study of euphonium in one's formative years should be encouraged.
Troy Huber with his acerbic lethargy.
Maria Callous who added a certain foul-mouthed, busty, drunkenness and always at the exact moment when we needed it most.
Turd Stuffington who is a dependable and stalwart champion of good
Nan Wilkinson; ditto
Barack Obama...(I'm hoping for an invitation to the inaugural ball)
We argued well into the night and when the dust settled we all agreed that there was, at the end, only one real choice.....a man who has battled adversity, faced down the naysayers and who will always remember 2008 and as a year of triumph. I proudly give you the new Blobophile of the Year!!

Bravo BoneMikester!!! Your prodigious accomplishments in the field of prodigiousness have provided ample fodder for posts and opinion and even as we go to press, thanks to you, a raging controversy stirs in the comment section. Tobias Funke would have to agree that whatever you write and no matter how concise or long-winded, you never fail to get a rise out of us (I meant; "make us have an erection" in a metaphorical sense.)

Congratulations again on your well deserved victory!!!!!!!!!

Explicking the Inexplicable

2008-12-08T09:30:00.006-05:00
From the office of Her Excellency the Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, Governor General of Canada

Dear Blob,
Something just happened and I'm still not sure what. One day I'm a figurehead (some would say the "hottest" political figurehead ever!) and the next thing you know I'm whisked away from my usual routine of international travel, ribbon cutting, gala dinners and handing out medals and awards...whisked away I say, and forced to return to Ottawa to decide a constitutional crisis. After more than an hour alone in chambers with Prime Minister Harper I opted for prorogation(?) but I'm still not exactly sure what that is. Blob...did I do the right thing??
Also, I'll be in Montreal for a puck dropping ceremony (or some such thing). No matter how hard I try I can't forget that fabulous weekend we spend some years ago...any chance of a do over?
xox
Mickey J

Michaelle...how wonderful to hear from you once again. I must begin by saying in all honesty that the jury is still out on whether or not you're the hottest GG in our nation's history. The extremely handsome Lord Tweedsmuir caused quite the stir during his tenure in the late 30's and many a wealthy Canadian socialite fell under his amorous spell.

A note from the management: The following half of this post was initially lost due to a technical malfunction and what you will read hence has been painstakingly reconstituted from hazy recollections and fragmentary shards of memory. This has taken a considerable emotional toll on the author.

Don't count me among those in his camp though....I still find you way more attractive (way!)

Now, about your question.
Economic crisis hits yet minority government seems reluctant to make any dynamic moves.

Prime Minister Harper decides to save a few bucks with some hard ball politics; vows to slash a vital source of funding for the already financially strapped, leftist, arts loving, opposition thereby increasing the likelyhood of a majority next time around.

"Not so fast!" say the 3 opposition leaders who threaten to topple the government and form a coalition.(Dion- see: post-nasal drip, Layton-Pinko, Duceppe-separatist....yes, separatist)

This Michaelle, was where you were brought in.
If any good has come of this it is that we have become acquainted with the word PROROGUE, sourced etymologically by Webster's as: PRO - 1866, shortening of professional and ROGUE -
An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal.
...a more than adequate synonym for our Prime Minister but today used to mean putting the government on hold. By opting for prorogation you've more or less butted out and allowed for a little breathing room for all parties concerned. Countries such as Israel are routinely run by coalitions and they end up with a small ultra-orthodox religious party called Shas wielding the balance of power. We don't need Gilles Duceppe and the quasi-religious Shas Quebecois calling the shots here so thanks Mickey, for doing the right thing. Seeing you leap into action like that, even though plagued by uncertainty, kind of got me reminiscing.
Why not give me a call when you're in town. Let's form a coalition of our own....for old time's sake.

This is the Autumn of my Missed Content

2008-12-02T12:30:00.005-05:00
There's some well deserved griping and grumbling in The Blob's comment section and I'll be the 1st to admit that I haven't kept up my end of the bargain, which is that I must provide regular, entertaining posts and you have to do dick all!!

Unfortunately I've had to work and I've also been dealing with a well documented addiction to an on-line word game. Throw in the economic meltdown, global terrorism and warming and you've got a recipe for disaster for a well meaning blogger who's a skilled procrastinator (more about this later).

Now the holiday season is upon us and I'm taking off for Quebec City for 5 computer free days.

Hmmm...looks like David Jerome has another book out just in time for Chrismukkah and an unlikely book it is since it's fictional spokesman is as goyish as they come.
The premise is novel and promising: Turd Stuffington's son, Turd Jr. is now 13 and he is only just learning of such unfamiliar things as sex and Jews. One afternoon Turd Sr. sits his son down for a talk and we're all privy to his words of wisdom. Rather than me explaining the rest, here's a brief snippet:

"What's a Jew??" Why son...I thought you'd never ask.
I guess you could say that a Jew is the same as you or me except they don't believe that Jesus was our Lord and Saviour. That means they can't get into heaven and certain country clubs. The thing that really makes Jewish boys different than you though, besides the dangly bit of skin at the end of your penis, is the Bar Mitzvah; an ancient ceremony where a Jewish boy, at the age of 13, becomes a Jewish man!
As Christians we do this in a very different way and it has a lot to do with what the legal drinking age is where you happen to live.

And so it goes as our favourite astronaut/talmudic scholar (who knew??) delves into the arcane world of Judaism, with it's numerology, dietary laws, lavish post-bar mitzvah spreads, and impressive sweet tables.
You should only live long enough to read and enjoy this book.

Dreidl Boy is coming!

Finally!!

2008-11-25T12:43:00.007-05:00

Jonathan Deere writes:

Dear Blob,

I am a frustrated prairie boy from Winnipeg. I have discovered, from playing hours and hours of Wii, that I am a kick-arse Skier. The problem is that the only ski hill in the area is an old trash pile that has been grassed over. I think they have done a poor job, cause I can't seem to ski worth a gopher's dingle down that thing. I have aspirations of fame, money and many beautiful ladies knocking down my door. I am at a loss, please help me figure out this dilemma.

Bravo Jonathan, if that really is your name and you're not one of my stupid, alter ego posting friends (and by "stupid" I mean excellent). It's been a while since anyone has taken my mission statement seriously. It's there, on the masthead, for all to see and yet it's taken you Jonathan, a fine young man from our nations mosquito capital, to bring us back to The Blob's raison d'etre.
Before I get to the advice part of my response I have some business to attend to:
Apparently gopher dingles are a dime a dozen out there, or so you say. I happen to know a Chinese herbalist who will pay you most handsomely for as many as you can get your hands on. He tells me that back home in the Orient they refer to them as "prairie viagra" and the slogan is "ground Gopher Penis powder.....the new ground Tiger Penis powder!!!
He guarantees that the dessicated gopher dick will "make you lady happy all night!"

OK...skiing in Winnipeg. The short answer is that you should do what most Manitobans end up doing; move to Alberta. Failing that I'd stick with the Wii-ski, but come winter buy a huge LCD TV and open a few windows while you're playing. Thanks again for the question. Now get out there and start harvesting those gopher dingles!

Blob Update - The 1st Fifty Years

2008-11-14T09:15:00.006-05:00

This is my blog and I choose to write about matters that are important and/or of interest which is why I rarely if ever use myself as the main subject of a post. This weekend however I must stray from that policy because the countdown has begun to my 50th birthday, now only 3 days away.
A party will be held in honor of the occasion and for Blobophiles worldwide this will be a veritable gathering of the clan. For starters, the event will be held at the home of Party Bear, his long suffering wife Mama C., and their adorable minx of a daughter, Maria Callous. Add Dixx to the mixx, the prolific BoneMikester (!!!!!) and you've got yourself a party, but get this.....straight from his parent's basement, Troy Huber will be there too, and all the way from Calgary, my GF, the one and only Beneficent Beaver, has already arrived early for what we here at The Blob like to refer to as a "fault-finding mission".
On this occasion and this occasion only I'd like to resort to that journalistic trick shot; the interview with myself...

Blob: 50 years old....wow. There are many who knew you as a teenager who'd never have bet that you'd have made it this far, let alone procreate (and 3 times, noch besser!). How are you feeling as the big day approaches?
Blobele: To be honest up until a couple of weeks ago I was feeling great! Young, vigorous, I really felt the same as I did when I was 20 only with significantly less money.
Blob: Are you saying you're not feeling well now?
Blobele: Well, I was just getting to that. One of the great joys about being a freelancer is the that the "free" refers to the vast amount of time you have to spend with your kids. Time that a regular 9 to 5 type of guy could only dream of. Unfortunately my kids go to school and also have friends that they do stuff with on the weekends so I rarely see them except when they need lifts. I've taken to playing pick-up hockey at the local indoor rink and with this increase in robust, physical activity I've also had an increase in robust, physical injuries....a wrist here, a groin, knee, or ankle there.
Blob: So that's why 50 isn't all that you'd hoped it would be??
Blobele: You like interrupting people don't you? As I was saying....
Blob: sorry....
Blobele: As I was saying!! I've got all these minor twinges and now my GF Phyllis shows up after she's done a few weeks of hard labor putting up fences on her acreage. She's in even worse shape than I am so between the two of us; disabled, rickety, and pain ridden as we are, there are maybe two pages of the Joy Of Sex that we can get through, and one of those is just about talking about sex. The moreBlob: So there are just some positions, in fact most positions, that are too uncomfortable?
Blobele: What the hell did I just say??!!?? Christ you're annoying! If you'd just shut the fuck up and listen for half a second you wouldn't have to ask all these stupid questions.
Blob: Whaddya mean "stupid"? You're stupid for thinking that anyone, even your entertainment starved readers, would care what you have to say about your friggin' birthday. Look outside...see all those people walking aroung out there? They all have birthdays every single year and so do all their friends (ed. note: leap years not incl.). Nobody really gives a shit about your birthday. So their having a party...BIG DEAL!! Why don't you just get back to writing your funny little poems and your hackneyed observations. Maybe it's time for another movie satire. Hey here's an idea; make fun of the new James Bond flick! Just of the top of my head...ummm.... "Quantum of Scoliosis", Quantum of Shoelace", "Quantum of Sol's Ass"...
Blobele: fuck you

Monk See - Monk Duel

2008-11-10T12:46:00.008-05:00
True story: Back in 1971 my folks took my brother and me to Israel. One of our stops brought us to one of Christendom's most sacred sites, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. The place is a claustrophobe's nightmare, reeking of antiquity, the dank stones and crumbling masonry of the entryway were less than inviting, so we decided to stay outside as my parents grabbed a tour guide and disappeared through the narrow doorway.

Ornately clad holy men and heavily armed militia patrolled the area (how Isrealish is that??!!??) as my bro and I looked covetously at the lone chair and then back again at each other. He broke first and I made a mad dash immediately...I grabbed a shoulder, he elbowed my face, within seconds we were a tangled mass of pre-pubescent flesh rolling and flailing away, supposedly on the very ground where Jesus was buried and resurrected!!

A Greek Orthodox monk seperated us just as our horrified parents emerged from the church

Little did we realize that our tussle was merely one in a series that has continued sporadically for centuries and indeed, to this very day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snpeMkBip6U

Check out the beautifully executed "falling crucifix" full body slam, (12 seconds) the signature move of Father Anasthasious "the Meathook" Christopoulos and then watch as he more than lives up to his nickname at 30 seconds with a vicious left to the chin of Father Hadar "the Springform Pan" Tarkmanian.

A little research reveals that in order to achieve peace, an arrangement called "the status quo" was reached in 1852 that split church duties, privileges, and designated areas, between the various denominations. True to the human spirit and especially where questions of religion are involved, this solved nothing. Check out this wikipedia quote: "Establishment of the status quo did not halt the violence, which continues to break out every so often even in modern times. On a hot summer day in 2002, the Coptic monk who is stationed on the roof to express Coptic claims to the Ethiopian territory there moved his chair from its agreed spot into the shade. This was interpreted as a hostile move by the Ethiopians, and eleven were hospitalized after the resulting fracas."

Indeed, the place is in bad need of renovations but since all groups must agree almost nothing gets done. A ladder placed above the entrance in the 1800's remains there to this day (I swear!!)
No one denomination controls the entrance way but in 1192, Saladin, in his infinite wisdom assigned responsibility to two nearby Muslim families...twice each day, a Joudeh family member brings the key to the door, which is locked and unlocked by a Nusseibeh. Problem solved!!

This next video is also very special and no....it's not hi-lites from PyroCon-2006, the annual convention that brings together pyrotechnicians, fire safety experts, arsonists, and pyromaniacs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys8hNr7BZ70 It's actually footage of Christianity's longest running miracle, that of the "Holy Fire": a flame that spontaneously combusts (yet will not burn human flesh) and that does so on the day before Orthodox Easter every year, or at least as so documented since 1106.

Watch as the devout pass their hands through the flames (pulling them away just before they get singed, as fate would have it) and don't let yourself be fooled by tales of white phosphorous. It's readily available in the area and magicians knew of it's ability to ignite when combined with air even back in biblical times. Adding a solvent can delay the reaction by up to half an hour but still...it's a miracle!! Let's not rain on anyone's parade.

As this video attests, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre is a place where, even at the best of times, emotions run high and the suspension of rational thought is an obligation. Hopes of a peaceful rapprochement appeared slim after yesterday's uproar but UFC (ultimate fighting championship) president Dana White has waded into the fray and may have come up with a solution. If all sides can agree then the various disputes can be settled with sanctioned cage matches and all Pay Per View profits will be distributed evenly. White said that he will even spring for the cage.
"The region has a long history of hand to hand combat" said the former Vegas bellhop with a wistful lilt to his voice, "Maybe UFC is finally the way towards peace in the Holy land!"

Ahhhh...That's Better

2008-11-05T12:03:00.004-05:00
The Americans got it right for a change and throngs of jubilant people worldwide are relieved and optimistic that this time the 500 pound gorilla in the room is going to shape up, brush his teeth, and stop taking dumps where ever he feels like.

US citizens, almost despite themselves, have re-opened to the world with a bold and in a sense, subversive gesture. They've voted in a brilliant man who is also black and by doing so have signalled a progressive spirit that augurs well for the rest of us.

Today the half of me that's American is filled with pride and feeling a dizzying and giddy sense of optimism. The half of me that's Canadian could really use a coffee as he sits here typing and nursing some nagging hockey injuries.

In the long run this may not make too much of a difference as far as the economy and foreign relations go but there is one thing that the Obama victory forever changes.

Last night at 11p.m. when Barack Obama was heralded as the president elect, 2 centuries of white guilt were flushed out to sea never to return and oh what a glorious feeling it is!!!!

All across the continent, in exclusive country clubs and at private soirées, white revelers partied into the wee hours of the morning, unburdened by the painful shackles of guilt. Sumner Carrington of Lexington, KY. summed up the overall sentiment: "We couldn't be happier and more relieved. Now, of course, I had nothing to do with the race problems of the past...my great-grandfather may have been involved in the slave trade but that's just something we Carringtons have had to live with. Now we're free...free at last in fact and it truly is a cause for celebration!! Let's just hope the Blacks (that's what they want to be called now...am I right??) can just live and let live, leave us be, and stop asking for handouts. It's a terrific time to be an American!!"
And so it is now up to Obama the consensus builder to bridge the divides in office as he did during his campaign. People of all ages, all 5 genders, and all colours voted in large numbers for him and his renewed vision of America. Indeed 67% of Hispanics sided with the Democrats, as did a whopping 96% percent of African-Americans (I'd love to know who those other 4 guys were who went with McCain!!).
In closing and in that spirit here is a small tribute to diversity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fd-MVU4vtU
followed by a celebratory dance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSJHVmpfojA&feature=related
that features a trombone heavy soundtrack, and a gorgeous, barely clad 18 year old, blonde.....HEY....where'd everybody go???

And Awaaaay We Go

2008-11-04T12:58:00.005-05:00

Twenty one months of campaigning and today it's all over but for the votin' and the countin'. The smell of history is in the air. It's wafted north of the border, escaped into the jetstream and can be detected in far flung corners of the globe. It's that heady mix of excitement, hope, and fear which is exactly what you smell when you're walking around Manhattan (similar to but not quite the same as a combination of subway fumes, roasting chestnuts, and hobo urine).

When the United States has an important election as this, with its singularly engaging cast of characters, then the rest of the world has little choice but to get all wrapped up in the anticipation and dread. At least we don't have to stand in line outside a highschool in Kansas for 6 hours.

Today is the day when all the undecided voters have to come up with the goods and face the grim spectre of having nobody at all care about them for at least the next four years.

2 candidates with diametrically opposed views on vital issues, dozens of debates and press interviews, hundreds of think pieces, thousands of hours of TV punditry and still....this motley assortment of lamebrains and pompous, attention seeking, douchebags can't make up their minds on a choice that is virtually black and white.
Today is also the day when the Walmart Moms will weigh in and possibly decide the fate of the free world. The press has recently dicovered this important voting block which I heard described as lower class, under-educated, women who shop a lot at Walmart. Only in America can a group of fat, stupid women who have no problem with wearing stretch terrycloth shorts in public wield such clout. This is obviously why Palin/McCain have yet to throw in the towel.
I'd put a link to a Walmart Woman article or two but I know how that scares off many of my ADD afflicted readers. Admittedly, lots more words with no pictures is a terrifying prospect!!
That being said I simply must post the following link to a short but enlightnening audio clip (no reading required!!) Now back to toasting myself in front of the warm , historical glow of my TV.
http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=96329339&m=96329321

The Palin Truth

2008-10-27T22:31:00.004-04:00

This particular presidential campaign is historic in many respects and whether maddening, surrealistic, or inspiring it's been a fascinating ride. A good scriptwriter could have come up with an Obama/McCain type scenario and in fact one did during the West Wing's final season where Jimmy Smits played the young , Democrat, candidate of color to Alan Alda's greying, veteran Republican senator and this before Barrack Obama was on anyone's radar. (note to self: possible porn version...The Wet Swing)

Any scribe who tried to insert a Sarah Palin type character into the mix would have been laughed out of the room and yet there she is every day on the news giving her ill wrought opinion and charming throngs of people who genuinely seem to find her inspiring.

There's something important there that has escaped me until just a couple of days ago. Palin and her ilk represent a large, dangerous portion of American society, particularly American I think, in that they are the "stupid driven". Believing in the primacy of the US is one thing, it's a great country and a world leader in many areas, but believing so at the expense of developing an informed world view is more than troublesome. The worst case scenario is an ambitious, not too bright person who combines an unquestioning patriotism with orthodox, mainstream, religious beliefs. It 's the double whammy of self-righteousness and is on display in the following scary video starring Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann (republican, graduate of Oral Roberts U.), a rising star who's facist rant makes Palin look like a friggin' leftist, Rhodes scholar!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mJiF3p0kFw

Her reasoning is so convoluted and flawed, her faith in her convictions so unalterable, that one can readily see how she won a seat in congress by appealing to that vast voting constituency; the even more stupid and somewhat less driven. Here's a nice rebuttal though which saves me the time and effort...many thanks to Gollum look-alike, James Carville: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rj2dMb6fecY&feature=related

And in closing how about giving the last word to Bill Maher:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6khOeOGcxSA

Oh yeah.... as an American citizen I'm registered to vote in Bloomington, Indiana (I voted there as a master's student in 1984, Go Mondale!!). I made the proper inquiries about absentee balloting but never followed up (you know how it is with the TV and the internet...it's a wonder I even clothe and feed myself some days) and as such will not be voting in that important swing state. I suppose I should have known better after what happened in the 2000 US election and this important video details the worst case scenario. Please watch: http://www.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=AkAcpOQJCocSOn1pj.gvwDQ3MzUzNTI-&referred_by=11806231-5rvpwux

PLASMA

2008-10-24T20:22:00.008-04:00
Ed. Note: The word plasma has nothing to do with the following post and everything to do with an offer by Mr. Troy Huber to pay $80 US for its inclusion in the title box. If anyone else out there wants to see their favorite word or words proudly displayed on the masthead a similar deal can be arranged.

"Where the hell have you been ??" you may rightly ask, after all, its been close to a month with no posts and this at a time when the world is spinning out of control and great social and political upheaval is the order of the day. Why did I not weigh in when the Chinese, not happy with using melamine to kill cats and dogs decided to put it in milk and other dairy products? I had to give up my favorite snack; Tsing Pao Bear Pancreas Cracker with 3 Cheese Flavour yet remained uncharacteristically silent.

The short answer is that I was taking my cues from John McCain. "What the f%*k!!" you may well exclaim but here.... let me explain.

When the US economy began its meltdown which led to a global financial crisis Senator McCain did the noble thing and suspended his run for the Whitehouse in mid-campaign until he helped find a solution.

How could I in good conscience keep writing my pithy crap while there was serious work to be done? I made a tough decision and suspended publication of The Blob while I took time out to work out my own answer to the problem. It was the right thing to do and despite the gentle coaxing and some light cajoling by my readers I took the time necessary in order to fulfill the task I had set for myself. I believe I've succeeded!

The Blob Economic Model: Towards a New Beginning

The Problem

Let's first take a look at the problem in a nutshell: The American dream holds that through grit and hard work you can rise up to a higher class than the one you were unfortunate enough to be born into....you can pursue happiness and, with a bit of determination, catch it! Unfortunately
there are millions of hardworking, not very well educated Americans working full time for poverty level wages that were led to believe that they could be homeowners and were given mortgages with no money down and no way of paying for them.

The greedy bankers were not regulated and soon they were selling these worthless mortgages to financial institutions all around the world (something called fiscal derivatives...don't ask, although Phiscal DeRivative works very nicely as a name...I see him in a smoking jacket...but I digress)

Anyways, no one has had the nerve to tell Americans, the world's most prolific consumers and credit pigs, that they were living beyond their means and now the shit has hit the fan.

Financial guru Alan Greenspan only yesterday issued his mea culpa thereby placating many of the pundits and analysts who finally have a bona fide Jew to pin the whole thing on but what has been done to fix the mess?

As best as I can tell they've borrowed from Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe and have begun printing up money and giving it away to prop up the economy. Something tells me this may not work.

Almost a year ago (oct 31, 2007 archives) in what many are calling a stunning act of prescience I published The Blob Theory of Napkin-based Fiscal Responsibility. Please go back and take a look.

I still contend that if we'd all practiced this policy there'd be no mess today but a mess we have, so how to clean it up?

The Answer

The recession is here and since it was greedy/stupid Americans that started it. it only makes sense that they should be the ones to put us in the clear. What is needed is an economic driver so irresistable, so powerful, that the world's banks will stop holding on to their money and begin spending and investing once again.

This driver should be something Americans already do and do well or better than anyone else, it should constitute a basic human need, it should have a proven track record and involve a renewable resource that can be mass produced at little cost but reap great profit. I'm talking of course about porn. It's time to ramp up the sex flick industry and get all Americans on board with a spirit of national unity not seen since the war effort of the 40's or Farm Aid.

From small cottage industry shorts to major studio productions with "A list" actors and actresses, the films that power the internet would now power the global economy as never before. Imagine an Angelina Jolie facial or a gang bang scene in Ocean's 12"!!.....Daniel Craig in "Quantum of Fuck" etc. Are you trying to tell me that there wouldn't be huge theater lineups, ticket riots etc?? Money would be changing hands faster than pancakes and the films would cost almost nothing to make. No CGI effects, no expensive locations, pure profit.

There is a risk that all the extra sex will cause a population explosion at a time when we can ill afford one but worry not. All indicators point to an Obama presidency and if he has his way with supreme court appointments then baby killing will be entrenched in the constitution once and for all (at least according to most right wing radio hosts).

At press time the plan is still in its formative stages and I still need to work out a few kinks (note to self: leave kinks in...niche market considerations).

It's great to be back!!

It's The Stupid Economy

2008-09-26T16:26:00.005-04:00
In 1992 then Clinton advisor James Carville coined the mantra "It's the economy, stupid!" and it was that focus that helped lead to a democratic victory. Now 8 years of the Bush regime is leaving behind such a monumental mess that no catchphrase can hope to narrow the issues down to a singularity.

I have to hand it to both McCain and Obama though...wanting to preside over this is either a sign of great patriotism and leadership or deluded, masochistic, madness.

As always I like to look for the silver lining. It now appears that I, a musician with grade 10 math and no backround in economics could have done just a good a job at running the major US financial institutions as the now disgraced CEOs and their henchmen and from the looks of things I have more than what it takes to be vice president of the world's most powerful nation. Those are couple of pretty nifty feathers in my cap if I say so myself!!

Most of us are dazed by the continuing stream of bad financial news. I wouldn't know a derivative from a T Bill (but I could learn if the money was right!!) so here are a couple of educational clips: http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-colbert-report/full-episodes/#clip93989

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94928783 (click on "Listen now" for the story...warning: not funny but with moments of brilliance)

More troubling still is Sarah Palin and her visit to New York. It was a whirlwind trip with a visit to the UN (including a reporter free meet 'n' greet with several world leaders and a 40 minute interview with Katie Couric on CBS news).

Only a week earlier she sat down at ABC and blanked on the meaning of the term "The Bush Doctrine". I believe that the definition is "government by the doggedly dumb" or a stupocracy and if anything, the Couric stint proves that Palin lives by this philosophy in a way that neo-cons could have hardly dreamed of back when she was just a minor governor/former small town mayor/beauty queen/high school mean girl.
Check out the interview here: (warning: this is extremely painful and may cause gagging)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP12aNzocSc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WkCZV83Cp8&feature=related

Remember that this woman, if elected, will be only a wayward blood clot or a piece of bad chicken (very bad chicken) away from being president. A bold but shortsighted gamble by McCain has failed...watch for Palin to drop out, ostensibly to devote more time to her family.
If they do win watch for tens of thousands of Americans to stream north of the border to escape the stupidity. I for one will welcome these "daft dodgers" with open arms.

A Dog's Life

2008-09-18T18:45:00.004-04:00
My elderly neighbor Lily sent this along and it's so beautiful that I had to reprint it. Lily, pictured here with her dog Garner, is recovering from a hand injury she got while greasing a bundt pan. Garner is always at her side.....

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are Shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"

The Six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
Take naps
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT

Hi....Nan here again and wasn't that beautiful. I cry every time I read it and look who's home!! PAM!! What's the matter honey??...you look a little glum.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Nan Wilkinson has stopped writing mid-post. Apparently the news is not good and unconfirmed reports assert that 16 yr. old daughter Pam is 4 months pregnant. As luck would have it Blob is leaving rehab after completing only 7 of the 12 steps and is prepared to wade back in, so without further ado:

Wow...it's great to be back but frankly, it's great to be anywhwere other than that Godforsaken rehab centre (BTW thanks to all the staff and especially nurse Gretchen for helping me get back on my feet). I'm deeply sorry about this whole Nan Wilkinson business but certain people who shall remain nameless made decisions without asking me first and they have been justifiably let go. So here I am once again and not a moment too soon!!
That dog post almost made me gag.....not that dogs aren't great, loyal, and loving creatures but the internet has way too much of that maudlin tripe flying around. Here are a few of my internet style Dog Rules for a Better Life:

If you can reach your balls with your own mouth, go for it!!
Being rubbed the wrong way is a perfectly good reason to maul a 2 year old.
By all means...eat feces!
Take time to stop and smell people's vaginas.
It's OK if you don't understand anything.
Just because you're tied to a tree doesn't mean you can't chase birds.
If they put you in booties and a sweater don't bother marking your territory...you won't fool anybody.
I'll be back soon to tie up a couple of loose ends that Nan left and then hopefully things will be back to normal

Good Clean Fun

2008-09-14T23:47:00.001-04:00

It's been a long weekend and frankly I'm exhausted from all the disclosing and explaining with regards to my family. I've taken a few minutes to look at The Blob archives and it seems like fun is right up there on the priority list even though there's alot I don't get and a certain amount of off-colored material that I simply hate. Nevertheless I can have fun too and with that in mind I'll tell you about our last vacation.
Jim and I went to the Atlantic City of Germany...Baden Baden, and had a wonderful time!! We saw among other things, Max Raabe and his fabulous orchestra that simply made me swoon. This is great music from the early 40's, the golden age of the German dance hall. Those must've been such wonderful and carefree days to be in Germany.
I also noticed that on The Blob there is a lot of information about the trombone, an instrument that frankly I had never paid much mind to. A while back on America's Got Talent I was amazed and amused by this young man http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=T9G3TPGGomI&feature=related who surely must be the best trombonist around judging by the audience reponse and the panel's reaction! Please notice as well the great botox job on David Haselhoff's (we saw his show in Germany too) upper lip. That man is a dream and a half with talent to spare!!!!
Well...enough fun for one night. I'll be waiting up for Pam who said she's out for a soda pop with her friend Sally (awfully late for a school night if you ask me) and in a few hours I'll be trying to wake Stephan again. Night all.

About the Boy

2008-09-13T01:06:00.004-04:00

It seems there's been a general clamor for information about me from some of The Blob's regular readers. Granted, in my circle of friends I'm known as "the interesting one", but all this attention has got me a tad flustered.

The internet seems to attract the strangest people but I'll have none of it. Still though, that Sarah Palin is so inspiring and if she can come forth will all sorts of info about her family, the joys and sorrows, triumphs and setbacks, then so can little old I.

This brings me to my son Stephan. At fourteen he was an eager highschool freshman, husky and robust with a huge appetite for life and my famous sheperd's pie. He was a starting linebacker for the Saints and had a solid B average. Then came the hip pointer that never really healed. By 10th grade he had to give up football completely and now as a senior...well, things aren't going so well. He kind of got involved with some iffy kids. You know the type, rock music, permissive parents, video games etc. Now we barely ever see him, he comes home from school and holes himself up in his room, doesn't eat, rarely talks to us and when he does insists that we call him "Hunter" of all things!! Jim has taken the belt to him on more than one occasion but even that doesn't do any good. Our pastor says it's just a phase and has had Stephan over to his house for counselling...still no sign of improvement. If any of you out there have had similar experiences and can offer a mother some help it would be most appreciated. Frankly I'm at my wits end.

Jim even got him the manager job on the football team but Stephan would have none of it so in my desperation I let him do some scrapbooking. It's always helpful to me when I'm blue so I encouraged Steph to do a self portrait. I present it to you without comment but with a heavy heart. I get my strength these days from Governor Palin and the Lord. In my book that's a winning combination if ever there was one!!!

Wonderful Woman - Terrible Man

2008-09-09T19:51:00.003-04:00

Before I get to the meat and potatoes of this post I'd just like to thank you all for bearing with me during this hectic "back to school" week. As busy as I've been though I've still managed to set aside some time for scrapbooking. It's an important activity that helps me to chronicle the everyday life of the Wilkinson clan in a fun and artistic way. The local craft store; "Crafty Lady" (don't you just love the name ;o) has all sorts of kits that help me with layouts and ideas. Here's a good example dealing with Pam returning to circus school for her sophomore year.

She's such a wonderful child and as limber as all get out...don't you think?? She always turns heads at Sunday sevices with her blond hair (courtesy of Jim) and her slim waist (thanks to yours truly I guess!!) and is quite popular at school or so I'm told!!

I do go on don't I but if a Mom can't brag about her own children then I don't know what this world's come to.

The real reason I'm writing today is because of how proud I am to be a woman in America after the nomination of Sarah Palin. Now I was as ignorant about her as anyone else just a week ago but she came on like gangbusters at the Republican national convention and her tough mindedness and homespun ways are just what this country needs!

As for the terrible man I mentioned in the title let's just say that staying up past 11 was a mistake. I just happened to flip over to the Comedy network when this Jon Stewart fellow was starting his show. I've seen him in some magazines but can't say that I've ever seen him perform...what a rude and obscene man. Here is a clip of him and let me just warn you that it is vulgar in parts and for adults only. I include it to educate the public about the trash that is out there....beware!!

http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart/full-episodes/september-4-2008/

MMMMM Cold Turkey!!!

2008-09-07T22:38:00.004-04:00

This may have to be brief....the night staff is just coming on and I managed to get into an unused office. Still there will be mentors, janitors, and nurses lurking so let's get right down to it. I'm sorry....there I said it!! I apologize for being weak, caving into temptation and leaving all my readers in the lurch and what's worse, with that Nan Wilkinson creature.

I agreed to be part of that Better Homes and Gardens contest with the honest intention of increasing my readership but then the bad luck hit. You'd think that my editors in tandem with the magazine people would have done a better job at vetting my replacement and get someone who thinks a little more like I do but noooo...they had to get get some right wing Betty Crocker type and there's more. A simple google search would have indicated her German heritage (and I have nothing against the German people except the Holocaust and David Hasselhoff). It took me 30 seconds to find out that her maiden name was Goring, changed from Goerring, and while she was not related to the infamous nazi Hermann I still find it unsettling, especially in my fragile state.

Her grandfather, a traveling vaudevillian, went by the stage name of Baron Von Guggenheimer and performed as part of a comedy duo with the famed Jewish singing cowboy "Tuck" Weiner, so named for the habit of protecting his family jewels on stage after an unfortunate incident with a can-can dancer.
I'm not sure when I'll be able to get to a computer again but rest assured that I'll post. I've been clean for a week now and can go as much as two hours without anagramming in my head. To keep us from thinking about words they show us a lot of porn and give us nachos and it seems to be working!! Maybe I'll have a little look-see at my Facebook page while I'm here...see how my friends are doing....I wonder who's doing well in Scramble since I left??
Anyways....oh shit somebody's coming...gotta g

Another Public Service Announcement

2008-09-03T14:32:00.004-04:00
With the Blobster still in rehab recovering from a scramble/boggle word game addiction relapse perhaps this is a good time to think about the issue. Sure The Blob is all about fun and games but as in all avenues of human pursuit, here too, moderation is the key.

If you find that you can't look at a word without trying to rearrange its letters, if the notion that there is no anagram for the word "sex" turns you off of sex or if the sight or sound of letter cubes give you an erection that last more than 4 hours then perhaps it's time for you too to seek treatment. Let's take a page out of The Blob playbook and take action before it's too late!!

New Beginnings

2008-09-01T12:07:00.004-04:00

Greetings to all. Nan here with my very first post and I couldn't be more excited and more beholden to the good people at "Better Homes and Gardens" for choosing me to replace Blob while he's in rehab. You may have noticed some slight changes to the title area....just sprucing things up a bit with the famous Wilkinson touch (more to come as I familiarize myself with the computer...thanks to my son Stephan for his patient tutoring. An extra brownie in your lunch son!!)

Where to begin? I suppose labor day is as good a place as any and the holiday weekend was quite the celebration! We had the folks (Gramps and Sylvia) over and had our traditional backyard picnic BBQ with my famous One Bean Salad (I find mixing bean types to be extravagant) and enough chicken wings to fly us all to Kansas!! Jim was on BBQ detail as usual and managed to outdo himself once again! He is so deft with a spatula and tongs...it truly is something to see and was one of the reasons I was first attracted to him at the Mt. Pleasant High homecoming rally all those years ago.

Anyways, enough about me. September is upon us and so is a new school year. Stephan will be a senior at Mt. Pleasant and will be managing the Saints...the hip pointer is still bothering him so he won't be suiting up. It's quite a shame since he so loves football but at least he'll still be involved with the team.

Pam will be starting her 2nd year of circus school and her hip pointer is all but a thing of the past!!

On a more serious note the editors at The Blob had warned about certain contributors and their vulgarity. It's always been my philosophy that this sort of behavior is best disregarded...you wouldn't throw away a whole meatloaf just because a fly landed on it now would you?? People such as Maria Callous (Pam says she must be a slut) and the very strange Bonemikester (clearly under the influence of some unsavory beverage or another, probably a simpleton easily swayed towards viceful ways...I'll pray for them both) won't stop me from using this forum to spread good cheer and good recipes. Still though I must try to maintain a semblance of the tone that Blob established to keep his readers happy so here's a little off colored joke to close things out:

Incompatability is the secret to a good marriage...as long as he has income and she is "pat"-able!!

Have a great day!!

An Important Message from the Editorial Staff

2008-08-29T13:47:00.004-04:00

Blobele, Blobbie, Blobster....call him what you will, but today as we go to press the founder of The Blob is a sick man. We've decided on a policy of full disclosure so as Blobbie puts it "this (hits,his sit, its, tis, shit) doesn't happen to anyone else (seel, eels, eel, lee, lees, sel, ess, els,)."

Let's go back about 30 some odd years to a time when Blob would spend hours every day in close fought Boggle battles with his brother Barry. Days turned to months, school work and social skills suffered as he'd even practice alone when his brother was off becoming a doctor.

You see, Blob was a boggle word game addict and it was only a cold turkey situation brought about by 2 years away at school in the States that saved him. For more than three decades he's avoided the game and has lived a fulfilling and productive life but fast forward to the present and things have changed for the worse.

A well meaning friend and Blob contributor; Mama "the enabler" C, invited him to play a game called Scramble on Facebook. Little did he know that this was their version of Boggle. This explains the lack of posts of late as his addiction returned immediately and with an unexpected ferocity.

Earlier his morning after a family intervention he was carted off to a treatment center babbling an incoherent stream of anagrams. When he is fit to return only time will tell but fortunately our "Write A Blob Post" contest in last month's Better Homes and Gardens has found a winner and we've talked her into taking over for a while. The tone and content may be different than what blobophiles are used to but a little change never hurt anyone. Let us now present to you our contest winner from Wilmington, Delaware...Mrs. Nan Wilkinson!!

The latest from Nan is that she'll be posting as soon as the cakes are done for the bake sale (rotarians first!!) and then she has a bit of scrapbooking to finish up. We're all looking forward to it Nan!!

Medal Mayhem (screw you Togo!!,take that Uzbekistan!!!)

2008-08-18T20:22:00.004-04:00

Little Known Blog Spurs Canadian Medal Haul

CP Aug. 18-Beijing

An obscure blogger known only as "Blob" has apparently done what no amount of goodwill and encouragement could and the Canadian olympic team is the better for it.

In a scathing post earlier this week The Blob rebuked Canadian olympians for their lackadaisical display while lauding Togo for their bronze in kayak.

"We regularly monitor the blogs" said chef de mission Sylvie Bernier "including those censored by the Chinese government....that's where we came across The Blob and quite frankly we were appalled, especially when we traced it back to Canada!"

Said Blob spokesboy Troy Huber; "Whatever...it was true what we said and now they have 9 medals. Figure it out. Can you move??? You're blocking my new 47 inch LCD....Ma-aaa!!"

Ed. note: While we in no way claim responsibility for the recent Canadian successes it does seem a bit strange that they should come hot on the heels of the last post. Coincidence or direct consequence? Figure it out.

The Blob Olympic Update - Way To Go Togo!!

2008-08-13T13:19:00.004-04:00

As many Blob readers are already aware I possess dual citizenship and stand astride two great nations. One leg is metaphorically in the United States, the other firmly planted in rich Canadian soil, the genitalia sway gently, directly above the border.
It is therefore understandable that today I'm of two minds about recent events at the Beijing Olympiad.
While I swell with pride at the exploits of Michael Phelps et al I conversely shrink with woe at the plight of the Canadian team.
Heres a quick look at the medal count to date:

TOGO-1
CANADA-0

Togo???? Are you kidding me!!??!! A tiny sliver of a country ridden with poverty and disease, average male life expectancy; 56, population less than 6 million, principal exports:millet and typhus, and yet their countryman's bronze medal performance in the kayak event gave me more olympic-style shivers than anything that Canada has come up with to date.
What are we doing with all those sports targeted tax dollars I ask you. We'd be better served diverting some of that cash to the arts, classical music in particular and me in extra special particular!! I think most Canadians would be proud of me (and so does my Mom).

Trouble a Brewin' Out Back

2008-08-03T19:28:00.002-04:00

Call it what you will; deja vu, flashback, sort of remembering something, but the goings on in the comment section since my departure some 2 weeks ago has me recalling similar events of last summer.
Last year, without my guidance, several habitual Blob readers started bickering amongst themselves but eventually peace was restored (this coincided with a return to more regular posting...hmmm).
Today I logged on after successfully tarping down some 180 bales of hay (Bethany Hartman's boys, Dale and Hyram, delivered it on a flat bed truck and stacked it artfully....good work guys!!). I was sorely disappointed to see two Blob mainstays, Dixxx and Mikexxster, going at it tooth and nail in the comment section with Dixxx even telling Mikexxster in Latin to, and I quote; "bite me old man!!"
The issue is a Blob slogan and each has submitted a worthy candidate for placement in the masthead. I precipitously chose Dixx's and incurred the jealous wrath (cleverly yet passively yet aggressively concealed as warm-hearted benevolence) of Mr. Mikexxster. I feel partially to blame for this mess and must find a Solomonesque solution (and fast!!!) lest the storm clouds of enmity obscure the blazing radiance of their friendship.

....and Nothing but the Spoof

2008-07-26T09:37:00.005-04:00
After a successful transition I'm ready once again to make contact with the outside world. We'll soon be heading off to the weekly Millarville Farmer's Market with it's heavy Mennonite (Prairie Hassid) representation. If we get there early enough we may even get our hands on some world famous Mennonite green onions....you've no doubt already heard the catchy slogan; "Until you've tried a Mennonite Green Onion, you don't know from green onions!!"

Anyways, being separated from the rest of humanity has it's good points but posting on this crude and archaic computer hook-up is a true challenge ("Pedal faster honey, we're losin' the connection!!") Nevertheless, I've managed to keep abreast of world events and here's something that's caught my eye in the wake of the whole Obama/Blitt/New Yorker cover brouhaha.
Radovan Karadzic, the former 1st president of Republika Srpska has been caught after 13 years in hiding. While a fugitive he worked at a private clinic in Belgrade under the alias Dr. Dragan David Dabić. In 2007 he lived in Vienna under the name Petar Glumac posing as the Croatian seller of herbal solutions and ointments and is now fighting extradition on the charges of war crimes and the unlicensed selling of ointments, both punishable by death.
The upcoming trial will be a difficult affair for world court prosecutors. Karadzic is crafty and well informed. Aware of the New Yorker controversy he has chosen a novel defence and will claim that he was merely satirizing Slobodan Milosevic, himself a war criminal and ex-president of Yugoslavia. "What...you don't get it!!??!! It was satire I tell you!!" he exclaimed to the press minions as he was being escorted to a holding cell. Now comes word that holocaust denier Ernst Zundel will be using the satire defence to win Canadian repatriation so here on the home front I've decided to get in on the fun and have been satirizing the loathsome behaviour of your typical lazy, patriarchal, boor (oh, how I hate them!!). For four days running I haven't lifted a finger and have done much bellowing of orders from the comfort of a large sofa. My behaviour is so over the top that Phyllis, a clever woman, is surely in on the joke even as she stoops to pick up my haphazardly strewn underwear or prepare me another meal (more bacon you bitch!! LOL).
Phyllis is out back near the tool shed cleaning up a mess I made earlier (oops!! LOL)...looks like she's sharpening the pick axe and talking to herself. Maybe I'll have her split some logs for a romantic fire this evening. I'm so glad she understands satire!!

Alberta Bound (and Gagged)

2008-07-21T14:31:00.007-04:00
For Blobophiles the summer is always a double edged sword*. The early days are a bonanza marked by my lack of gigs and the consequential bounty of posts. Then comes August and my annual pilgrimage to Alberta where I have access to the internet through an archaic dial-up connection. This coupled with the fact that I'll be spending a lot of time catering to the varied whims of my girlfriend means sporadic posting at best.
Of course this is all very exciting for yours truly as expressed by Blob mascot Slimy (the dog vomit slime mold) but after months spent building my readership I can't help but feel a tad remorseful.

Taking a cue from Larry King who is often absent from his own CNN show, I invited Troy Huber to guest host The Blob and had him send in a test post as a kind of audition. He decided to do a send up of the Katy Perry hit song "I Kissed a Girl", (recently skewered on these very pages) and sent along this:

Thanks Troy but I'm sorry, I don't think this is going to work out. Besides, with all the camping you do (outside theatres prior to summer blockbuster releases) they'll be precious little time left for you to devote to The Blob. I'll just have to do what I can from afar.
Farewell and, in my absence, if any of you want to do a complete renovation of my home......just a thought. If you do though, feel free to help yourself to any of the condiments in my fridge (mi catsup es su catsup....sorry).
*Double edged sword: As I wrote that metaphor it occured to me that it didn't make any sense in that the definition; something that can be good on the one hand but bad on the other, didn't seem to apply to a sword that could do harm with either edge.
Of course, this being the internet age, the answer was only a click away and others had voiced similar concerns. The answer lies in the fact that there is a rare second layer of meaning. The double edged sword "cuts both ways" and with that I was satisified and went on about my day.

2008-07-17T22:12:00.003-04:00

Maria Callous says:

How is it that we've been spending so much time on T & A (and politics, for some reason), that we've forgotten completely about E!! I hate to be the one to bring this up, but there's a significant lack of Euph(onium) around here.

True enough, with all the goings on I've neglected the euphonium and low brass in general....the very element that has made The Blob such a hit in Bavaria and the stupider parts of Great Britain.

As luck would have it I've got an in with controversial illustrator Barry Blitt who sent me a rejected New Yorker cover that was seen as way to incendiary by editor in chief David Remnick: "The low brass lobby is very powerful and not very subtle when displeased, frankly I was terrified of the consequences of going with this image so we agreed that a Bin Laden/burning flag substitution would be less problematic."

Here's the rejected cover Maria...happy??

Blitt's Krieg

2008-07-14T20:28:00.005-04:00

Walk by any newsstand today and you'll see the latest edition of the NewYorker with it's controversial cover art by friend and Blob contributor (under numerous aliases), Barry Blitt.

This is my blog, I don't have to pull any punches soooo...anybody with half a brain can look at the drawing and see that Blitt is satirizing the ridiculous, insidious attacks on the Obama's that have been ongoing for months. It's over the top and funny (to me at least).
These images and rumors have made it to mainstream media so we're not talking about the blatantly racist lunatic fringe that would show Obama with a noose around his neck or as a monkey...old, disgusting, images that are even too vile for FOX News. Instead we've gotten insinuations based on nothing: His name, carefully enunciated on right wing talk radio is Barack Hussein Obama (they love the Hussein part!!) so he's a Muslim, the fist bump with his wife was a terrorist gesture, she used the word "whitey", he doesn't always wear a flag lapel pin (where does his allegiance really lie??), he wore a traditional African costume in 2006 (SEE....he is Muslim!!). Blitt puts it all there on the cover and is now in the center of a raging shit storm recieving hundreds if not thousands of hate emails and the occasional threat. Just google blitt-obama or some variation on that theme and see for yourselves. It's fascinating and disturbing to see the very wide spectrum of (mostly negative) opinion and amazing to see all the ink this is getting in the States at a time when there are about 10 issues of vital importance that should be getting a lot more scrutiny than this drawing.
I think Americans love this shit because it gives them a chance to divert their thoughts and actions away from the painful truth.
For Barry Blitt the shit is hitting the fan today. For the rest of the nation, content to quibble over meaningless minutiae, that day is not far off.

Oh yeah.....I'm thinking of setting up a series of safe houses for him and his family and call on all Blobophiles to chip in. He cleans up after himself and can be sociable with the proper medication.

Curiouser and curiouser

2008-07-12T08:29:00.005-04:00

The title of this post (borrowed from Alice in Wonderland) refers in this case to this video entitled "I Kissed a Girl", a current smash hit by somebody named Katy Perry. I'm afraid that poor Alice, for all her fictional mis-adventures, would be hard pressed to navigate through the strange, real world that young girls and boys inhabit today.

While the song and accompanying video are clearly a blatant attempt at titillation, boundary pushing, and cashing in on the whole faux-lesbian chic craze, the affair leaves a bad taste in my mouth (GOD you guys are so immature...you know what I mean!!).

I'm of two minds on this issue but first let's take a look at some of the lyrics:

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

The party pooper in me is getting all bent out of shape by the poor grammar and ridiculous message, telling young girls that changing sexual identity can be a fleeting kick, like trying on a new pair of shoes or a nifty strap-on. It also helps if this behaviour is alcohol fueled (your "out" position) and at a party or club (major league attention!!).

The typical guy in me (with apologies to author and Analrapist Tobias Funke) can't believe that women have fallen for this once again. It's clear that men have financed and encouraged this song and are overjoyed that our fantasies are becoming acceptable and commonplace. If girls continue to believe that it's OK to get naked and/or make out with each other in public then who are we to complain. This is some kind of golden age...perhaps it's best to just sit back and ogle, to blithely enjoy the spectacle as civilization implodes. And talk about product placement......Cherry Chapstick sales have gone through the roof!! Company execs are tickled pink and are already cashing in.

Remember guys; Mum's the word!!

The Yellow Menace

2008-07-08T23:07:00.005-04:00
Quebecers finally get their yellow margarine

MONTREAL -- Quebec is about to become a little less distinct. Le Soleil reports that the provincial cabinet has quietly killed a longstanding regulation that prohibited margarine manufacturers from colouring their product a buttery yellow.
The province had been the last front in Canada's margarine wars, which pitted a protectionist dairy industry against canola farmers and multi-national margarine manufacturers. For margarine consumers here, it has meant starting their mornings with an unappealing white spread -- think lard on toast.
Ontario repealed similar restrictions in 1995, but Quebec had stubbornly resisted. In 2005, margarine manufacturer Unilever Canada Inc. lost a Supreme Court challenge of Quebec's ban. Unilever had argued in part that prohibiting yellow margarine infringed on its "commercial freedom of expression." etc.etc.

With the stroke of a pen the 100 year old, sometimes acrimonious, always ridiculous battle between the Quebec Dairy lobby and the rest of the world has come to an end....or has it??
For ages we've heard the arguments: Consumers will be confused by yellow margarine and buy it when they in fact meant to buy butter, thereby reducing dairy sales which would have a devastating socio-economic ripple effect throughout the province.

Today, finally, some of our elected representatives are trusting that we, the fat buying population of Quebec, aren't total cretins and will be able to tell the difference. I feel like I did on that wonderful day when my parents first gave me the car keys and let me go (minutes before I scraped against the illogically placed mailbox).

I've already zipped off my idea for a new ad campaign, a twist on the famous "butter scene" from Bertolucci's Last Tango in Paris (watch it here if you must)http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=yNjF8otfUQs
and I'm hoping to hear from my pals in the margarine biz real soon.

Unfortunately this is Quebec and while I remember having to grow up in a world where, for a time, my dingy white spread came with a little packet of yellow food dye that we were supposed to mix in (I still recall my Mom sitting me down to explain the dye after I asked her about it and the sting when she told me the truth about how we were different) there are many other people with even better memories. For these people who want Quebec to be a seperate country, allowing our margarine to look like the margarine in the rest of Canada is yet another step towards cultural annihilation, greasing the skids and making a slippery slope that much more slippery.
Tomorrow, in the national assembly, some opportunistic, podium pounding, politician will rise and make an impassioned plea for a return to grey oleo. Don't ask where today's patriots are...they're right here in Quebec making sure we don't mistakenly put margarine on our "beignes Juif" (Literally "Jewish donuts" * the official translation, courtesy of the Office de la Langue Francaise, of bagels)

*Ed. Note - The O.L.F. suggested that translation during a more radical phase of it's existence. It has since softened it's stand and now accepts the more reasonable but still quite silly "baguel".

Helping Kids Cope

2008-07-04T11:30:00.006-04:00
This is another post in The Blob Scholastic Outreach series that has been so popular with adults and kids alike.

Children today have great difficulty (perhaps moreso than at any time in history) negotiating the treacherous minefield that is their parent's lives. Not only are divorce rates skyhigh but alternative sexual lifestyles are becoming almost normalized, at least here in the West.

A sensitive child may be well aware, on some level, that there are problems in the home but only has remedial understanding of what are often complex issues. More certain still is the fact that that he/she doesn't yet possess the coping strategies and that's where the Scholastic Outreach series hopes to be of help. We've already dealt with bedwetting and homosexuality so let's move on.

Just yesterday, as you'll see in this link, a "man" now named Thomas Beatie gave birth to a cute little baby girl. He'd been a woman who had a sex change operation and kept the womb but.....just watch the video:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2247089/Pregnant-man-Thomas-Beatie-leaves-hospital-after-birth.html

Transgenderism is today accepted as a fact of life, just another stop along the continuum that is human sexuality, but how to explain this to our children. Prolific author David Jerome (you may know him from the Turd Stuffington adventure books) has penned an insightful, gentle, an truthful recounting of one family's journey from mom, dad, and child to sort of mom, dad, and child after Theresa (the mom in question) had gender re-assignment surgery to become a male.

It's compelling reading and treats a difficult subject with a sensitivity that will be most beneficial for those of all ages.
Whether you're dealing with the transgender issue or not this is a fascinating story and will make a worthwhile addition to your home library.

Gneiss Cock!!

2008-07-01T23:55:00.007-04:00

Granite slab with image of Jesus to be donated to church
12:00 AM CDT on Saturday, June 28, 2008
By DAN X. McGRAW / The Dallas Morning News

John Ganster has watched cars creep, crawl and park in front of his East Dallas stone company as their occupants try to catch a glimpse of a granite slab stained with what some think is an image of Jesus.
"Some customers and people have just wanted to take a look for themselves," said Mr. Ganster, a co-owner of Verona Marble Company.

At first, no one at the company noticed the image, Mr. Ganster said. Then a customer called and asked about buying the "Jesus slab," a 1,000-pound hunk of granite that comes from Brazil.
"We said, 'What are you talking about?' " he said. "We went to see for ourselves."
The stone had been in the company's Tulsa, Okla., store. It was moved to the Dallas office in December, after builders in the Tulsa area kept passing on it because of cosmetic imperfections.
"That's kind of ironic," Mr. Ganster said. "Christ said that he would build his church on the stone that the builders rejected."
The company hopes to donate the stone to a Catholic church in Oklahoma. The church could then use it as a fundraiser or as part of a building.
"This came to us for a reason," Mr. Ganster said. "I don't know why, but it did."

For a video look at this fascinating story that is more about the power of suggestion than anything else have a gander at this:

http://www.dallasnews.com/video/index.html?nvid=258565

These images are always Rohrschach inkblot tests but on a larger, more public scale. People make of them what they will and religious figures are often at the top of the list. When I look at the section of granite which I have reprinted, cropped from the original larger slab, but otherwise competely untouched (I swear!!) I can just make out a Jesus -like figure or maybe Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes, perhaps it's a medieval knight clad in chainmail or a British judge in wig and robe.
Whatever the case, all these images have one thing in common; look back up top....there....right in the middle...that thing that looks like a huge dick. Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't it seem almost impossible to miss?? I mean, it's right there, clearly delineated and even appears to have balls. And it's not just a penis but an erect one...rock hard (sorry) and, contrary to those who believed that Jesus had a liberal bent, it's quite clear that he leaned to the right.
If you want to be mean you'll tell me that you see no such thing, that I'm phallicly obsessed and should seek counseling but I'd spot such a cruel prank a mile away. Anyways, If it is Jesus it looks like even he has decided to cash in on the whole internet porn thing. Look for church attendance to rise in the next little while. Jesus: prophet....perhaps, son of God....who knows, marketing genius....definitely!!

There's a Thirsty Sucker Born Every Minute

2008-06-30T23:04:00.012-04:00

I've long been suspicious of bottled water. As a kid I remember the exotic, salty Vichy Celestin and the ubiquitous, fizzy Perrier. I liked neither and never understood what all the fuss was about. Not too long a go all hell broke loose and, well....read this article and then we'll talk:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/29/AR2008062901872.html?hpid=topnews

Sure, at certain times the convenience factor can be a major selling point and bottled water has been a real life saver in some of those places I've visited that have a tainted and dangerous supply: Mexico, certain areas of South America, my Aunt Miriam's etc.

Dasani, or filtered tap water, is bad enough but how about BlingH2O mentioned in the article. Have a look at their website and then we'll talk some more: http://www.blingh2o.com/

The good news is that this wasteful and moronic tide may be turning. The green movement is having it's say and people are finally starting to pay attention. The recent U.S Mayors meeting saw a motion passed that would seek to put the genie back in the plastic bottle and ban all municipal use of this product. Here at The Blob though, money talks, and I'd be hard pressed to turn down another sponsor. As such I've accepted an offer from a company who's ad campaign, and consequently their water, is the most palatable. Remember; I am not a hypocrite, I'm a human being!! (who could use the money)

Opportunity Knocks (up)

2008-06-29T12:35:00.008-04:00

Gloucester Girls Gone Wild

The latest what's-the-matter-with-kids-today story comes from Gloucester, Mass., and it's a jaw-dropper. According to Time, a group of 15-and 16-year-old girls at Gloucester High School made a "pregnancy pact" -- an agreement that they would all get pregnant and then raise their kids together.
Later reports have cast doubt on whether the girls actually made a spoken pact, but what is indisputable is that Gloucester has itself a little teen mommy explosion, with at least one of the baby mamas choosing a 24-year-old homeless guy as her co-parent.

No doubt this is a titillating story and sure enough the Gloucester chamber of commerce wasted little time trying to cash in and lure some badly needed tourist dollars to a depressed local economy ("Why go all the way to Thailand??").

Here at The Blob we look for the story behind the story and have uncovered an interesting tidbit in the process. Apparently the homeless population in Gloucester has doubled in little more than a week! Said one of the migrant vagrants identified only as Murph: "Sure Chicago was great but when I read about the pregnant chicks out here I decided it was time for a move...basically it was a quality of life issue."

This, of course, got me thinking. More than a roof over their heads or a full belly, these homeless men need love but have a hard time finding it. Surely Gloucester can't be the only place where comely coeds are looking to get impregnated by hobos!! "Eureka" I exclaimed and shared with Murph my idea for an on-line dating service that caters to those whom society has forgotten (the homeless, the mentally ill, most Blobophiles etc.)

Welcome to BlobLife.Com!! Here's Murph's profile...feel free to sign up and send in your own!!

SWM with own shopping cart looking for woman who enjoys the outdoors. Please, no Serbians.

Setting the Record Straight

2008-06-24T15:29:00.004-04:00
Maria Callous said...
"What a fag."

This recent quote from the comment section was in reference to my most prolific contributor; Mikexxster. While The Blob is an open forum for free thinkers and the immature I cannot stand idly by and let a friend be slandered even if it is my young and foul-mouthed muse, Maria Callous, who's doling out the calumny.

Before I come to his defense there is a general priciple that I should address....entrenchment.

As we grow older, we, or at least those of us who are so inclined, try to hone our lives; eliminating the dross, turning redundancy into efficiency, identifying and living according to our core values etc.

If we get too deeply into this process before we have found a husband or wife then our prospects diminish significantly. Firstly our stock as a breeder becomes devalued because we've aged but second and most importantly we've become so entrenched in our ways that finding a partner who's just the right fit is almost impossible.

As an example let's take ummm...I don't know....OK, let's take Mikexxster. He's every inch the heterosexual male as his next lady friend will no doubt find out but as each and every year passes, he becomes more and more particular. He has honed and refined his life down to a razor's edge and at this point there may actually be no room for anyone else save for a one in ten million long shot. Still, every 17 years or so Mikexxster, like the cicada (see photo), metamorphoses and seeks a mate.

It's those in between times when he isn't pursuing the opposite sex that give rise to comments such as Maria's.

Living the life of a confirmed bachelor is one thing and his uncanny imitation of the barely closeted Tobias Funke(from TV's Arrested Development) is another but his acting career and in particular his choice of roles is probably the cause of most of the confusion. "Mike of Arabia" was a mistake to be sure but what is one to make of this yet to be released opus.

Take my advice Mikexxster and get yourself a new agent...I'll take a 7% cut off the top and half of all bobble head profits.

First Cyd Charisse now This!!

2008-06-23T14:50:00.002-04:00

Moonless In Montreal

2008-06-18T20:24:00.005-04:00

Giant moon illusion expected in tonight's sky
June 18, 2008 5:00 PM
PORTSMOUTH — If the moon looks especially huge tonight, fear not: It’s all in your mind.
According to the Web site of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, the full moon will hang low on the horizon and look unusually large this Wednesday night. Though it may appear to be huge, it’s actually an optical illusion.

....and so, spurred on by a snippet of news I went looking for the moon only to return home disappointed. Maybe it was hiding behind a cloud or a hill, who knows, but I was finally moved today to try to answer the question; "why does the moon sometimes look gigantic when it's close to the horizon?" To my great surprise the official answer is; "Nobody really knows." It's not atmospheric refraction nor is it the wonderfully named Ponzo Illusion best illustrated by an actual picture (it's a real photo, I swear on the life of my favorite kid) of me lying on a train track in St. Emilion, France (don't ask!). I cut and pasted my image further down the track......which one is bigger??? Wrong!! They're both exactly the same.
Anyways, everyone who's wrestled with this puzzle, from the ancient Sumerians to Da Vinci and now me agree that it's our faulty perception, and nothing else, that is the root cause.
If our brains are convincing us that an illusion is reality then that opens up a whole can of worms that maybe we shouldn't be dealing with. This has got me all off balance. I guess I'm just going to keep repeating "seeing is believing" and enjoy the simple life......professional wrestling is fake though, right??

Peace in Our Time

2008-06-15T21:37:00.007-04:00
What better Father's Day present than the news that I post today, for the eons old battle of the sexes is over and women and men everywhere can relax and accept reality!!
When Hugh Hefner (pictured at left with two of his three comely wives....if you've seen their reality TV show then you'll know that they share Hef and a single brain)
helped kickstart the sexual revolution in the early 60's, he couldn't have imagined that monogamy would be so bruised and battered by the turn of the next century.

Yet here we are in 2008 and marriage is our most embattled social institution. Within it's confines men and women have been going at it tooth and nail (and lawyer) in a perpetual power struggle where men put up with being told they're not good enough in exchange for sex and women pick up dirty underwear in exchange for babies.

Now comes the following interview with Griffin Hansbury, a self decribed, post-feminist, female to male, trans-sexual who relates her/his experience in such a way as to end the debate. After listening you will have no choice but to admit that the very nature of men and women is just that....nature. All the social conditioning and religious repression in the world haven't and won't change this very fact. The audio segment in question occurs at 15:15 of the show. Allow it to load for a minute or so and then slide the cursor to the aforementioned time...Happy Father's Day!!!
http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/player/CPRadio_player.php?podcast=http://www.thisamericanlife.org/xmlfeeds/220.xml&proxyloc=http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/player/customproxy.php

Ute 'R' Us

2008-06-13T22:45:00.003-04:00

Ute 'R' Us is what I'd call my base of operation if I were a gynecologist, but I'm not, so someone else can have the name. I've been thinking about this because in a little more than a week my girlfriend will be going under the knife for some relatively minor surgery on her woman parts.

As a sensitive partner I'll be making the trip out west to be by her side......not during the operation or painful convalescence but three weeks later when she is all better and the area in question could use some intensive conditioning and physiotherapy.

As always, surgery, (including surgery "down there") presents certain risks but also certain opportunities. Now let me just say at the outset that my GF has excellent muscle tone, you don't win Kegel Queen at the Millarville County Fair 6 years running without it!! Still though, with a stitch here and a stitch there a skilled surgeon can work wonders and with that in mind I mailed off a crisp new 20 dollar bill to her Ob-gyn, Dr. Ersek, with a little note that said simply: "Surprise me!!"

As a general primer on the subject you may want to take a look at this educational clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c39sirXOad4

and then revisit this must see video for further insight: http://oxygen.feedroom.com/?fr_chl=1e2039ffe65a8155cf73b19ad333d4a7b2457076